ASF joke thread

[treefrog]

on the highway from broken hill to sydney is little topar - a small refuelling pub. as is the practice around here at such locations various jokes, cartoons and interesting one pagers are pinned up for amusement - the following story ticked my fancy

careful its R rated

7yo son saunters up to the front gate after school deep in thought. dad is painting the front fence on his rdo and greets the lad.
"Hi son, home already; what did you do in school today?"
"Dad, we did sex today"
"wow, was that interesting?
Long pensive silence.
Dad, what's a vagina like before sex?
dad's turn for reflective thought but then advises "son, before sex, a vagina smells sweeter than a perfect red rose; it looks more beautiful than a great sunset; and it feels softer than black velvet."
"Wow, dad. then what's it like after sex?"
dad's turn for reflective thought again but eventually responds, "son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

ps, so many jokes here, have only checked about half so maybe this one has already been posted.

 

[Buddy]

Speaking of 7 year olds, well maybe a little older...

A boy is walking down the side of the road, and a man in a car pulls up alongside him opens the window, and says "hey son, if I give you a bag of lollies will you hop in the car for a ride?". The boy ignores him and continues walking.

A little further on the car pulls up alongside the boy and the man says "hey son, if I give you a bag of lollies and take you to the shop and buy you an icecream, will you hop in the car?" The boy ignores him and continues walking.

A bit more down the road the car stops alongside him again and the man says "Ok son, if I give you a bag of lollies, and an icecream, and take you to the movies, will you hop in the car?". This time the boy stops and turns to the man, with his hand on his hips, and says "look dad, how many times to I have to tell you I am not riding with you while you're driving a Volvo!"

 

[noirua]

"The Idiot Weekly", 1958-62 radio comedy series by ABC: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Idiot_Weekly

 

[2020hindsight]

.......... an email just in

 

[2020hindsight]

Bloke goes to the hardware shop obviously pissed
"say mate, hic - you got any metho there? I'll have a dozen bottles"
"No way" says the bloke behind the counter - "you look like you'll only drink it"
"no no hic - I'm just painting the loungggeroom, and I need it t clean the brushes!!"
"No way"
"Lishen, now I think about it, it's only a small room, I probly only need three bottles - you got hic three bottlesl? "
" ahhh ok - here's your three bottles"

...
mm "got any cold bottles mate?"

 

[Boggo]

This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Ireland farmer in reply to an income tax demand.


Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before.
You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.

Well, here are the reasons:
In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.
In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed.
One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda.
A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I bad to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the f*****g eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children`s allowance).

I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife **** the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the f*****g knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house.
I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his **** on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep,
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog`s ******** with a red hot needle.

I'm praying for a cloud of cat **** to pass your way in the hope that it will fall on you and the rest of the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

 

[2020hindsight]

....

 

[yachty7]

ITALIAN MATH TEST

A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a little math test. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers,' the Italian said. 'Datta easy.' He proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked. 'Have you got no brain?

'Tree and tree and tree makea nine,' said the Italian.

'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each ofa DA trees isa dirty now. So, it'sa dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this Italian, so he said, ' Al l right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, 'Ere you go. Onea hundred.'

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!)

The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little doga comea long and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. Datta makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?'

 

[noirua]

Child: Why must I be quiet in church? Adult: Because most people are sleeping.

Child: I'm just going to say my prayers, does anyone want anything?

 

[Buddy]

Scottish Humour at it's best:-

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. ' nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heeds.'

 

[2020hindsight]

some cartoons for the girls...

 

[kolonel]

The Vicar's Salary !!​

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said,

'Fu@k the Vicar'.

 

[kolonel]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

 

[2020hindsight]

reminds me kolonel
this one - never could understand it.

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to Heaven.
St Peter asks the first nun "have you ever had contact with a pen1s?"
she answers "I touched one with my finger".
"Well" says St Peter, "dip it in the Holy Water then!".

He asks the next nun , who replies " I fondled one once"
"Put your entire hand in Holy Water then" says St Peter.

Suddenly there's a commotion and a nun pushes her way to the front of the queue.

St Peter asks "What's up?"

She replies "Well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water ...
I want to do it before Sister Florence sticks her a*** in it"

PS I think that a*** = arms btw

 

[jman2007]

Lol, an oldie but a goodie 20/20,

Here is something that I found a while ago, and could absolutely not resist sharing, enjoy lol

 

[Edwood]

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

 

[Trader Paul]

Kiwi condoms

Condom factory burns down in N.Z.


Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,is awoken at 4am by the
telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency!!!
I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to

the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms

will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: "SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?"

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches
long and eight enches thuck!! That way they'll continue to respect the all

blacks!"

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds
condoms;

10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small
writing on each one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA
- SIZE: MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie... Oy Oy Oy



=====

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - good one - got the accint down pat too.
this one from 100 years ago . Still some of you might have forgotten it

Big black guy goes to chemist -
got any condoms?
yep
what sizes you got?
why, small medium large
got any extra large?
yesI believe we have a few of them as well.
I'll try some
comes back (and in deep resonating bass voice says)
rubber no good, rubber no good
how so
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, rubber go pow.
mm
maybe you could try these, they are 5mm thick rubber used in the dairy industry
ok
comes back (and in deep resonating bass voice)
rubber no good, rubber no good
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, rubber go pow
mmm
long shot
but maybe these stainless steel ones used in the metal industry
ok
comes back (voice much subdued and more timid)
.....
rubber no good, rubber no good
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, left ball go pow, right ball go pow.

 

[mayk]

``Thank you for calling Buy-a-Bank,'' ``Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed.

For Mandarin, press 1.

For Arabic, press 2.

For takeover of Bear Stearns, press 3.

For Lehman Brothers, press 4.

For any monoline insurer, press 5.

To purchase residual assets of defunct hedge funds, please stay on the line and an operator will assist you.''
``Please enter the first three letters of the bank you are interested in buying,'' the Buy-a-Bank phone line might say. ``Or try again later. Our menu items are changing on a daily basis.''

source bloomberg

 

[Julia]

Thanks Mayk.
It would be pretty funny if it were not entirely possible!