CanOz
Home runs feel good, but base hits pay bills!
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You didn't actually believe that story did you...??
Actually i did...
He is a politician after all!
Clean jokes
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Actually i did...
He is a politician after all!
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Couldn't resist this joke.
Enjoy!!
____________________________________________________________________
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," ....Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pours the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him......
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I'm positive I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..........
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
Enjoy!!
____________________________________________________________________
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," ....Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pours the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him......
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I'm positive I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..........
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
pixel
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explod
explod
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About time we fired up some humor around here, so:-
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
explod
explod
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Something to remember as we get older....
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
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A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
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^ Yes, blonde MEN are so stupid, aren't they? (just trying to save you from bring labelled as mysogynist, old mate).
Anyways...apparently, people living in Dubai don't like watching the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!
Love and kisses,
Bruce.
Anyways...apparently, people living in Dubai don't like watching the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!
Love and kisses,
Bruce.
Dona Ferentes
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Dona Ferentes
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The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is that one of them is not an elephant.
Dona Ferentes
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When addressing a person accused of excessive comma usage, the judge said the community expected a very long sentence.
Dona Ferentes
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Elton John got a treadmill and weights for his pet rabbit.
It’s a little fit bunny.
It’s a little fit bunny.
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I thought this funny enough to include here.
Kmart confirms they moved check-out to centre of store just to ducking annoy you
Kmart says there is no scientific reason why all of its checkouts are now 50 metres from the store entrance, confirming it is simply just a fun little thing they did because they were bored.
“We analysed a lot of shopper data and matched it with footfall information, and what we realised was that by far the most logical place for a check-out is at the front of the store. And so we moved them to the centre in all 324 Australian stores just for a laugh,” a spokesperson for the company said.
https://www.theshovel.com.au/2023/03/01/kmart-confirms-they-moved-check-out-to-centre-of-store/
Kmart confirms they moved check-out to centre of store just to ducking annoy you
Kmart says there is no scientific reason why all of its checkouts are now 50 metres from the store entrance, confirming it is simply just a fun little thing they did because they were bored.
“We analysed a lot of shopper data and matched it with footfall information, and what we realised was that by far the most logical place for a check-out is at the front of the store. And so we moved them to the centre in all 324 Australian stores just for a laugh,” a spokesperson for the company said.
https://www.theshovel.com.au/2023/03/01/kmart-confirms-they-moved-check-out-to-centre-of-store/
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Looks exactly like my KMart.
Dona Ferentes
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Texan flies into Sydney, gets in a taxi and asks to go to his hotel in Manly, so they have to go through the city and across the Sydney Harbour Bridge (They could take the tunnel, but that’d muck the joke!)
As they’re driving towards the city, the texan sees the Sydney tower, and asks the taxi driver “What’s that?’ Taxi driver says “Mate, That’s Sydney Tower!” Texan asks ‘How long did it take to build it?” Driver says “Dunno! I think about a year”! Texan says “Back home in Texas I own a construction company, and my boys could’ve done that job in 6 months, tops!” Driver nods, impressed!
A bit later the Texan sees the Sydney Harbour Bridge. “Hey Fella, What’s that?” Driver says “ Sydney Harbour Bridge, Mate!” ‘How long did they take to build that?” Yeah, Not sure! I think it took about 2 years!”. Texan says “My boys could’ve knocked that up in under a year, Maximum!”
As they’re driving onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, The Texan looks out his window and sees the Sydney Opera House, he asks the Driver ‘Hey Fella, that white building down there, What’s that?”
Driver says ‘Blowed if I know mate! It wasn’t there this morning!’
As they’re driving towards the city, the texan sees the Sydney tower, and asks the taxi driver “What’s that?’ Taxi driver says “Mate, That’s Sydney Tower!” Texan asks ‘How long did it take to build it?” Driver says “Dunno! I think about a year”! Texan says “Back home in Texas I own a construction company, and my boys could’ve done that job in 6 months, tops!” Driver nods, impressed!
A bit later the Texan sees the Sydney Harbour Bridge. “Hey Fella, What’s that?” Driver says “ Sydney Harbour Bridge, Mate!” ‘How long did they take to build that?” Yeah, Not sure! I think it took about 2 years!”. Texan says “My boys could’ve knocked that up in under a year, Maximum!”
As they’re driving onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, The Texan looks out his window and sees the Sydney Opera House, he asks the Driver ‘Hey Fella, that white building down there, What’s that?”
Driver says ‘Blowed if I know mate! It wasn’t there this morning!’
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Is this a clean joke ? Nah. But it is very funny.
Dona Ferentes
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The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he playfully decided to test the dog:
\- I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.
The dog went to one of the secretary's desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the router and the computer, in total tranquility. The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
\- I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.
The dog quickly opened Excel, grabbed a stack of papers, and started scanning names and contacts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
\- I need a bilingual secretary!
The dog replied:
\- Meow
\- I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.
The dog went to one of the secretary's desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the router and the computer, in total tranquility. The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
\- I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.
The dog quickly opened Excel, grabbed a stack of papers, and started scanning names and contacts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
\- I need a bilingual secretary!
The dog replied:
\- Meow
Dona Ferentes
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