Clean jokes

[joea]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well now Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse .

joea (well it's pretty clean).

 

[burglar]

...

joea (well it's pretty clean).

You forgot to mention the sand ...

 

[joea]

You forgot to mention the sand ...

??

joea

 

[CanOz]

This is a true story

WIFES DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long.
So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what as wrong:He said "Nothing".
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it was nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it..
On the way home, I told him I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving..
I cant explain his behavior. I dont know why he didn't say "I love you too".
When we got home,I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted,and that his thoughts were somewhere else..
He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.







HUSBANDS DIARY

A four putt.......who the ---k four putts?

 

[joea]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied t he boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....

 

[johenmo]

BACKGROUND: The Higgs Boson particle is being called the God particle. It's currently considered the elementary particle with out which, matter cannot exist.

JOKES for Geeks:
The Higgs Boson enters a Catholic church. The Priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here". The Higgs Bososn says "But you can't have mass without me!"

Breaking news: Apple takes out patent on Higgs Boson particle. Sends a case-and-desist letter to the universe.

also, consider this....

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A blonde walks into a bar. She say to the barman "Give me a double entendre." So he gave her one.

 

[MrBurns]

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

* "He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

*"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


* "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow


* "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


* "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas


* "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain


* "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde


* "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


* "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ....if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.


* "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop


* "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright


* "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb


* "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson


* "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating


* "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand


* "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker


* "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain



* "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West


* "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


* "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


* "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

 

[StevieY]

A man goes up to a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Do you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[burglar]

A headmistress was wanting a proper Latin motto for the school.
The English one read "Listen Look Learn".
Imagine her surprise when she read the sign painted in huge letters.

Audio Video Disco

 

[MrBurns]

A failed Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, and a Communist walk into a BAR.

Bartender asks....













"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"

 

[Joe Blow]

Sometimes ASF's traffic spikes on random days for mysterious reasons. It did so on January 23 and 24 this year and a quick scan of our website statistics revealed the reason. This thread was listed as one of the "Top 10 Australia Day Websites" by the YOURLifeChoices Australia website.

Congratulations to all the contributors! Let's keep the thread going with many more clean jokes that everyone can enjoy!

 

[Purple XS2]

One morning before sun-up, station manager says to one of the boundary riders:

"want yer t' cruise the eastern ranges - come back in a couple of days ...".
Boundary rider says " ... " (nuthn)

"and you, go with him..."

2 boundary rider says "..." (nuthn)

They saddle up: first boundary rider looks to the eastern dawn; says

"t's gunna be bloody 'ot tday..."

2nd rider says "..."

They ride through the day. Early afternoon, sun high in the sky.
1st rider looks up & around, squints at the sun:

"t's bloody hot tday..."

2nd rider: "..."

Come early evening, they dismount near a waterhole, unstrap their swags.

1st rider says "was bloody hot tday..."

2nd rider looks at him, shakes his head, re-packs his swag and mounts up.

1st rider: "what's your problem...?"

2nd rider: " too much bloody talk around here..."

 

[macca]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?


A cloud

 

[Gringotts Bank]

Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus. I've been Googling like crazy and no luck. She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public. A bit like a female Borat.

Thanks

 

[pixel]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?


A cloud

What do you call a dog with no legs?


Doesn't matter what you call him. He won't come.

 

[pixel]

Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus. I've been Googling like crazy and no luck. She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public. A bit like a female Borat.

Thanks

Julia Morris

 

[Gringotts Bank]

Julia Morris

Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris. Has her own TV show. Long hair, quite nice looking.

 

[pixel]

Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris. Has her own TV show. Long hair, quite nice looking.

try here: http://www.entertainoz.com.au/entertainers/comedians/female-comedians

 

[DocK]

Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris. Has her own TV show. Long hair, quite nice looking.

Catherine Tate or Jennifer Saunders???

 

[Gringotts Bank]

Catherine Tate or Jennifer Saunders???

Thanks but niether of them!

I don't think she does stand up routines pixel.