Clean jokes

[bellenuit]

This is a bit from left field mate, the captain of the Costa Concordia wants to know if you need any help with your boat policy?" the Triple M announcer said.

"Well, that was one boat that did get stopped, wasn't it," Mr Abbot replied

ABC News Radio this afternoon. "Abbott tried to link the sinking of the Costa Concordia to his asylum seeker policy...."

What BS. The above accurate quote, from what I remember, clearly shows that it was the radio announcer who made the link in an off-beat humorous fashion.

Albinese (sp.) was on the radio saying he wouldn't dignify Abbott's remark with a comment. That's all Labor have been doing all day. Commenting on a non-issue.

 

[Eager]

Eager, will pay that one.

Just told it at the RIH Public bar, and old Souvlaki has had an ambulance called he was laughing so much, we think he's burst his hernia.

gg

Cheers,

It did the email rounds at work this week, if it's a newie I'll expect that it will spread pretty quick.

 

[Eager]

A big, strapping, but very cocky young bloke on a large building site was sprouting off to anyone within earshot how good, smart and strong he was. Fig jam was his middle name.

An old geezer, small but wiry, challenged him. "Betcha $100 that whatever I put in that wheelbarrow over there, I can push to the boundary fence, but you can't push back here!"

"You're on!" said the tyro, obviously thinking he couldn't lose.

Grabbing the handles of the wheelbarrow, the old bloke said, "Hop in!"

 

[Glen48]

Friday Funnies
Understanding Unemployment

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right, 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%. [Except according to John Williams, it's about 22%]

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: Wait a minute. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are out of work!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are all out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why the government's unemployment figures are improving!

Magic Numbers

Speaking of suspect numbers, I have no idea how these things work, but they do. Cut and paste the URL in your browser window and follow the instructions. I guarantee (most of) you will be flummoxed.

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

A Newfie

Hailing from a small town in an isolated corner of the Big Island of Hawaii, I have zero understanding of the basis for most intra-national, or intra-cultural humor. For instance, why the New Zealanders and Aussies are always making fun of each other. Or why it is that a number of our Canadian subscribers like to send us jokes about people from Newfoundland (which, I am assuming, is the origin of the word "Newfie"). Even so, the following struck me as somewhat funny, in a juvenile sort of way, so I'm sharing it here. (If you are a Newfie, feel free to send me back something that makes fun of folks who hail from Toronto, whence the sender of this particular joke emanated.)

A Newfie had two red ears and so went to the doctor. The doctor asked the Newfie, "What happened to the ears?"

"Well, I was ironing me shirt and the phone rang... and instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up me iron and stuck it to me ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But that doesn't explain the other red ear. What happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

The Golfing Nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green - and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the goddamn putt, didn't you?"

 

[bellenuit]

Two men in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an aircraft of the cheapest of the cheap airlines ever, where the Chief Executive is renowned for his cost cutting. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

 

[dutchie]

Two men in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an aircraft of the cheapest of the cheap airlines ever, where the Chief Executive is renowned for his cost cutting. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

How do they land?

 

[rumpole]

How do they land?

Very badly

 

[Glen48]

Once only.

 

[joea]

Satnavs.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a drivers friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's 6o klm an hour", it says
"And your doing 65".

It tells me when the light is red
And when to use the break
And tells me it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies the gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives advice

It fills me up on counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed

joea

 

[Glen48]

There was a ragged, old, retired Chief Diver who shuffled into a water front bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Salt, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try. The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.
By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Dacks, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight" said the old Chief Diver after he took a long pull from the beer.
The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched to the heads.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your d#@k is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "I wrote it!!!"

 

[joea]

Little Asian kid walks into a bar...
He has the most amazing and colorful parrot on his shoulder...
The barman says "Wow!!! That's awesome, where did you get it?"
"China, there's freaking millions of them!", replied the parrot.
joea

 

[joea]

Australia mate

I remember the cheese of my childhood,
and the bread that we cut with a knife,
when the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed an ice chest,
and the bread was so crusty and hot,
the children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the billy,
with the yummy cream on the top,
our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks,
just a game with our mates in the paddock,
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of lollies was sold
do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic,
or is it....I'm just getting old?

I remember when the loo was the dunny,
and the pan man came in the night,
it wasn't the least bit funny
going out the back with no light.

The interesting items we perused,
from the newspapers cut into squares,
and hung on a peg in the outhouse,
it took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds
but the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's duds

I remember the slap on my backside,
and the taste of soap if I swore
anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed
we ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.

cheers joea

 

[CanOz]

Little Asian kid walks into a bar...
He has the most amazing and colorful parrot on his shoulder...
The barman says "Wow!!! That's awesome, where did you get it?"
"China, there's freaking millions of them!", replied the parrot.
joea

ROTFLMAO!!

 

[Glen48]

Further to Joea:
While these restrictions are limited to a few states, the effect of the legislation has been widespread, such that retailers often carry products that are compliant even outside of these regulated areas...
"'The cost of not complying with this can be extraordinary, as Ace Hardware learned a few years back. In the state's largest settlement, Ace was forced to hand over $850,000 to California's Air Resources Board for selling blends that exceeded state limitations."
​

Frustrated about the regulations that diluted his windshield wiper fluid to the point of uselessness, Joel took it upon himself to find a solution:

"Unable to find what I needed in the physical world -- the world controlled by the state -- I began searching online, and to my never-ending joy found that Amazon offers myriad products and concentrated formulas for windshield wipers.
"So the solution to such madness is simply to mix your own wiper fluid with the concentrated formula at a higher rate than the packaging suggests. In the winter months, you can add a little antifreeze to your wiper fluid as well. These two fixes will roughly return the wiper fluid to its pre-adulterated state, ensuring clean and ice-free windshields for safer driving."
​

 

[waza1960]

Just seen this list on another forum............

 

[joea]

Just seen this list on another forum............

+1 This referred to your previous post.
joea:bananasmi

 

[Boggo]

This is an extract from the Elizabeth (suburb north of Adelaide) version of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill the lonely hours between Jerry Springer and Days of our Lives.
As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of his Nike vest, his smile told me that it was dole day and I knew that my velour track suit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight.

As I stood in line at the job centre,... thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, sweat and Lynx Africa! I turned and there he was, DWAYNE, with his pants half way down his ****, our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Woolies.
He had already tied his Staffy to a post in the alley way so we would not be disturbed, there was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery.

I knew then that this was love and my life would never be the same again.

I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.

 

[CanOz]

Good grief Boggo....

 

[joea]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

joea

 

[CanOz]

For those problem solvers amongst us...