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Wonder woman hasn't actually got a cape,
She just turned her apron around
She just turned her apron around
Clean jokes
- Thread starter resourceboom
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- clean jokes jokes
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I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained.
"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the f**k have you started speaking Italian?"
"It's a migraine," he explained.
"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the f**k have you started speaking Italian?"
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: `Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?`
Maria :` Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.`
Wife : `Who says you iron better than me?`
Maria : `Your husband said so.`
Wife : `Oh ?`
Maria : `The second reason is that I`m a better cook than you.`
Wife : `Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?`
Maria : `Your husband did.`
Wife : `Oh.`
Maria : ` My third reason is that I`m a better lover than you.`
Wife : (really furious now): `Did my husband say that as well?`
Maria : `No Senora... the gardener did.`
Wife : ` So how much do you want?`
The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: `Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?`
Maria :` Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.`
Wife : `Who says you iron better than me?`
Maria : `Your husband said so.`
Wife : `Oh ?`
Maria : `The second reason is that I`m a better cook than you.`
Wife : `Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?`
Maria : `Your husband did.`
Wife : `Oh.`
Maria : ` My third reason is that I`m a better lover than you.`
Wife : (really furious now): `Did my husband say that as well?`
Maria : `No Senora... the gardener did.`
Wife : ` So how much do you want?`
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What do politicians use for contraceptives?
Their personalities
Their personalities
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You Know You're A Redneck When..
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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Apparently Gary Coleman had been at death's door for quite some time before he died.
Poor little bloke just couldn't reach the handle.
Poor little bloke just couldn't reach the handle.
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A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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Subject: Socceroos
I know why the Socceroos are performing so badly at this World Cup......
They are playing soccer while the rest of the world is playing FOOTBALL
I know why the Socceroos are performing so badly at this World Cup......
They are playing soccer while the rest of the world is playing FOOTBALL
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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Subject: England
If only John Terry had had an affair with Robert Green's wife.
If only John Terry had had an affair with Robert Green's wife.
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Can't be an Australian study.
But if he was a POM and if he went to the pub each day then the pub would be about 1.23 miles away and he'd only drink half a pint a day.
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Did you hear about the new box office hit coming out in Australia?
"A Dingo Slapped My Baby!"
"A Dingo Slapped My Baby!"
Wysiwyg
Everyone wants money
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~ Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4000 per month.
~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 quid. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 quid. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Wysiwyg
Everyone wants money
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Granny thinks this kid is telling fibs.
Glen48
Money can't buy Poverty
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Whats the ideal weight for a lawyer?
about 6kg including the urn.
about 6kg including the urn.
pixel
DIY Trader
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On his long marches through India, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot; the rough soil gave his feet blisters on the blisters.
As he travelled through desolate areas, where meals and dental hygiene were few and far between, he became quite emaciated; he also suffered from bad breath.
But his mental abilities were Legend.
That is why he is fondly remembered as the super-calloused fragile Mystic, plagued by halitosis.
As he travelled through desolate areas, where meals and dental hygiene were few and far between, he became quite emaciated; he also suffered from bad breath.
But his mental abilities were Legend.
That is why he is fondly remembered as the super-calloused fragile Mystic, plagued by halitosis.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian and a Swiss went into a night club.
The doorman says,
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
The doorman says,
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
pixel
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It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010 :
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one..
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun..
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010 :
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one..
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun..
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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Pixel, those awards were so outrageous that I thought I would search on Google to see if I could locate the original stories concerning the lawsuits.
It appears that they are all fakes. Not surprising.
pixel
DIY Trader
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I just took them as funnies, without bothering to check their veracity.
But thanks for the follow-up.
