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ASF joke thread

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got 0% the first 2 times but 100% on the 3rd...
 
Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported
his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery, concluding with this case study:

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana
and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now she's Deputy Prime Minister of Australia."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Postal Service Recall

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Kevin Rudd.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a
special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
 
Man's right of reply

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
A bloke is sitting in the bar in the departure lounge at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leaned across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

Then he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Jetstar'
 

nice one. got 100% five times in a row. apparently I am a master right and left brain something or other. anyone got any problems in ther life that need to be solved, maybe riddick could be your answer?
 



A blue chisel. i like these games.
 
Diary of a Perth Summer.

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise **** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my **** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ****, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my **** out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*cking kidding me!!
 
Diary of a Canadian winter.

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I absolutely love it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I really do love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I really love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F*cking snow plough!

Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry F*cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*cking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That f*cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f*cking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f*cking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that f*cking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada.
 
I remember my merchant banker mate telling meon the phone from London the lastest in jokes during the credit crunch last year'ish.........


1-What's the capital of Iceland? reply NIL!

another vague one .....

2-Who can leave a deposit on a brand new Ferrari ...a merchant banker , Stockbroker or a pidgeon?
......reply.....
A pidgeon leaves a full deposit everytime......
 
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did"?
 

I dont get it
 
The chicken is dead in the fridge waiting to be cooked how would you feel if you were the parrot
 
The chicken is skinned, decapitated, had stuff shoved up its ***, feet chopped off...
Now that parrot would be quite scared
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Blonzville. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the fourth
row stands on her chair and starts shouting:


"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ****
on your knee."
 
Scottish short joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv inny books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
 
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