Political Satire

[basilio]

Could this possible be true ? That a key element of the electorate that votes the Liberal Party into power does so because they quietly recognise the PM is on their side ? Just the old tap on the side of the nose trick.

“The PM is definitely racist,” Liberal party says in desperate attempt to lift poll numbers

Looking to shore up the Coalition’s vote at the upcoming election, Liberal Party strategists have reassured Australians that the Prime Minister is definitely racist, after some questioned the accounts of Michael Towke and Concetta Fierravanti-Wells.

“There’s been some conjecture about whether the claims made recently are true, and we just want to reassure the average Australian voter who is terrified of having their job being stolen by a brown person, that they definitely are,” a Liberal Party operator said in a statement.
“If you’re scared about people on boats, if you don’t like the idea of getting served a coffee by someone with a funny accent, then we hear you”

“The PM is definitely racist,” Liberal party says in desperate attempt to lift poll numbers

"We just want to reassure Australians that all the allegations are true"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

On the other hand of course there is the absolute determination of the PM to establish his non racist credentials. He has been adamant that he hasn't a racist bone in his body (Fact Check. Does he actually have any bones ? ) Should this be enough to lay all the bad mouthing to rest ?

Some of my best friends aren’t racist”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has strongly rejected claims he undermined a rival candidate on the basis of race in his 2007 preselection battle, saying it is simply not possible given he has several friends who are not racist.

“It’s simply not in my character. Not everyone is aware of this, but I actually know a lot of people in the non-racist community. Some of them I consider close friends,” he said.

“Just last week I had coffee with someone who isn’t racist, so I think it’s fair to say I know this community pretty well”.

Asked to name some of these people, the PM was dismissive. “Look, I’m not going to provide a list of people for you right here and now, that wouldn’t be appropriate. But they do exist and I’m happy to sign a statutory declaration at a later date to confirm that they do”.

“Some of my best friends aren’t racist”

"I know several people in the non-racist community"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Again Political Truth masquerading as a joke.

Liberal Party enacts ‘Bring out John Howard in case of emergency’ procedures

Out of options and uncertain of what else to do in the face of an onslaught from independent candidates, Liberal Party MPs have smashed the glass and removed the little John Howard that sits on a wall at Liberal Party headquarters in Sydney.

“Emergency! Emergency!” deputy leader Josh Frydenberg shouted, being careful not to get Howard’s eyebrows stuck in the glass as he pulled the little guy out of the box.

Frantically reading the instructions as he held Howard in his hand, Frydenberg used a small key to wind up the former Prime Minister, aimed him towards the campaign trail and watched him spring to life and immediately run off to a media event to say something sexist.

“It’s incredible how quickly he’s ready to go. Wind him up, let him spray bull**** everywhere and he immediately takes everyone back to the 1950s”.

A party spokesperson said the emergency procedures were used sparingly. “This is something we definitely only use as a last resort once every federal election and at every state election and three to four times a year when we can’t think of anything else to do”.

Liberal Party enacts ‘Bring out John Howard in case of emergency’ procedures

"Quick! Smash the glass and pull him out!"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

The election results are all wrong. One needs to take an overall perspective as this analysis provides.

Coalition ‘clear winner’ (when using carryover credits from previous elections)

The Coalition won the 2022 election in a landslide, if you use an accounting method that allows you to add votes from previous elections, Sky News presenter Andrew Bolt has explained.

In a media conference this morning former Environment Minister Sussan Ley echoed Bolt’s analysis, saying the Coalition would be continuing on in Government, based on the calculations she had made.

“At the last election we received 51.5% of the vote – an additional 1.5% over and above what we needed. In the 2016 election we received 50.36%, that’s 0.36% in surplus. And at the 2013 election 53.49%, well above the target rate.

“So when you add those carryover credits together, that gives us an extra 5.35% of the vote, pushing this year’s two party preferred vote to 53.35%. I think you’ll agree that that’s a pretty decisive victory for the Coalition”.

Coalition ‘clear winner’ (when using carryover credits from previous elections)

"We're well above the required target"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Voldemort demands Tanya Plibersek apologise for ‘hurtful’ comparisons to Peter Dutton

Lawyers for the Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort have demanded an ‘immediate and full’ apology from Tanya Plibersek after the Labor MP compared their client to former Defence Minister Peter Dutton.

Plibersek made the comments during a radio interview yesterday, noting the similarities between the terrifying villain and the Harry Potter character. Voldemort’s lawyers say the comparison was hurtful and unnecessarily cruel.
“How would you feel if you were compared to a man who has locked away small children, jokes about a country being devastated by climate change and who boycotted the apology to the Stolen Generation? Our client is not just going to sit back and take this”.

The ruthless practitioner of the dark arts was unavailable for comment. So was Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort demands Tanya Plibersek apologise for ‘hurtful’ comparisons to Peter Dutton

"It was unnecessarily cruel"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Outstanding opportunity for John "Pork Barrel" Barilaro to highlight exactly why he is most suited to this gilt edged job he created.

Inquiry into Barilaro’s New York posting to be conducted by John Barilaro

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has confirmed that, after an extensive global search, the person to lead an inquiry into why former deputy premier John Barilaro was chosen for a $500,000-a-year job created by former deputy premier John Barilaro, will be former deputy premier John Barilaro.

The role was initially awarded to an impeccably qualified woman within the public service, but the offer was later withdrawn after John Barilaro said he wanted the position.

In a media conference this morning, Perrottet said it was important that the person leading the investigation had an intimate understanding of the issues. “John both established the New York role, and was successful in securing that role, so I don’t think there’s anyone more qualified to investigate this, frankly”.

Opposition MPs have strongly condemned the inquiry appointment, saying there is a clear conflict of interest. Perrottet says he will take their comments on board and has asked John Barilaro to prepare a report on any potential conflicts.

Inquiry into Barilaro’s New York posting to be conducted by John Barilaro — The Shovel

"He's highly qualified for the role"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[Knobby22]

Outstanding opportunity for John "Pork Barrel" Barilaro to highlight exactly why he is most suited to this gilt edged job he created.

Inquiry into Barilaro’s New York posting to be conducted by John Barilaro

View attachment 143174
NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has confirmed that, after an extensive global search, the person to lead an inquiry into why former deputy premier John Barilaro was chosen for a $500,000-a-year job created by former deputy premier John Barilaro, will be former deputy premier John Barilaro.

The role was initially awarded to an impeccably qualified woman within the public service, but the offer was later withdrawn after John Barilaro said he wanted the position.

In a media conference this morning, Perrottet said it was important that the person leading the investigation had an intimate understanding of the issues. “John both established the New York role, and was successful in securing that role, so I don’t think there’s anyone more qualified to investigate this, frankly”.

Opposition MPs have strongly condemned the inquiry appointment, saying there is a clear conflict of interest. Perrottet says he will take their comments on board and has asked John Barilaro to prepare a report on any potential conflicts.

Inquiry into Barilaro’s New York posting to be conducted by John Barilaro — The Shovel

"He's highly qualified for the role"

www.theshovel.com.au

Why does the NSW need an ex state polly in New York anyway?

 

[SirRumpole]

Why does the NSW need an ex state polly in New York anyway?

We don't.

 

[basilio]

Why does the NSW need an ex state polly in New York anyway?

Because John Barilaro created the position and then asked for the job . Pays $500k a year. Lot's of Pork there..

 

[basilio]

How to spend $25m on an aboriginal flag.

 

[sptrawler]

There is only one thing funnier than satire, reality.
A year is a long time in politics and politics has a lot to do with how people see an issue. The more things change, the more they stay the same.?
10 months ago it was just an anti renewable Govt that wants to pay coal and gas to stay available. Now it is a Green Govt that wants to do the same, shock horror.
Not only wants to, but has to.

BAD GOVT
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-08...lor-subsidies-coal-gas-power-plants/100410770 26 August 2021
The Federal Minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction, Angus Taylor, is battling to get support from the states and territories for his plan to get electricity retailers to pay coal and gas-fired power generators to keep operating.
The federal government wants to introduce a Physical Retailer Reliability Obligation (PRRO) to ensure there is enough energy available in the National Electricity Market (NEM) at all times to fill gaps when wind and solar power cannot meet demand.


GOOD GOVT
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-06-20/capacity-mechanism/101166480 20 June 2022
A draft plan for a new "capacity mechanism", aimed at ensuring stability in the national electricity grid, could see coal and gas generators paid for reliable power supply.
The federal government's Energy Security Board (ESB) has been tasked with designing the new mechanism, which would pay generators through an auction process for the capacity they can provide.
The new system would also pay for generators to be available when needed.

The ESB said introducing such a tool by mid-2025 was going to be vital to ensuring much more capacity enters the grid in coming decades, and a smooth transition to net zero emissions by 2050.

 

[Knobby22]

There is only one thing funnier than satire, reality.
A year is a long time in politics and politics has a lot to do with how people see an issue. The more things change, the more they stay the same.?
10 months ago it was just an anti renewable Govt that wants to pay coal and gas to stay available. Now it is a Green Govt that wants to do the same, shock horror.
Not only wants to, but has to.

Except the same people as per the original are still against it. The Vic Govt and the Greens.
Bit of convincing to do and that requires a long term plan rather than just what Taylor offered at least to get the the Victorian government on side.

 

[basilio]

Murdoch divorce settlement: Jerry to get Australia

Rupert Murdoch’s recently estranged fourth wife Jerry Hall will take over control of Australia as early as next week, after the two came to an agreement over their divorce settlement this morning.

Under the agreement, Mr Murdoch will retain control of the United States and Britain, with the ‘scraps’ – as one Murdoch ally described it – going to Hall.

Hall – 65 – said she needed a hobby and had always wanted to run a small-to-medium sized country in the Asia-Pacific region. “I’m really excited about getting to know more about this important part of the company,” she said in a statement.

Hall said she’ll make an announcement on the country’s Prime Ministership “in due course”.

Murdoch divorce settlement: Jerry to get Australia — The Shovel

Jerry Hall will take over control of Australia, after the two came to an agreement over their divorce settlement.

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[sptrawler]

Except the same people as per the original are still against it. The Vic Govt and the Greens.
Bit of convincing to do and that requires a long term plan rather than just what Taylor offered at least to get the the Victorian government on side.

The problem is, as was proven with the latest energy issue over East, it is one thing saying you have a plan.
It is completely different, when you are shown you don't have a plan you have a hope and a dream and how you are going to make it a reality no really have no idea.
Labor are saying they are going to do this that and he other, but in reality it is waffle and fluff, even the experts aren't sure how this is going to go.
That's where making a commitment to a reduction number pulled out of thin air, becomes a real issue, because you will be held to it even if it is unachievable in the time frame despite your best efforts.
I ordered a car on 1st of March and I want it now, but the manufacturer can't even make a guess when it will be ready and they're making the thing.

 

[basilio]

Pointing out the obvious. I cannot see how insurance companies are going to continue insuring against "natural" disasters at this rate.
So what happens when areas become uninsurable ?
NSW residents facing fourth once-in-a-hundred-year event since last January

As flood waters continue to rise across the state, residents of New South Wales are weathering their fourth once-in-a-lifetime event since the start of last year.

Penrith resident Helen McMannis said she would be telling the grandkids about the floods of 2022, after she’d finished telling them about the floods of 2021, and the floods and bushfires of 2020.

I haven’t seen a weather event of this scale during a Sydney summer since summer,” she said.

Jude Johnson, whose property was burnt down two years ago before being covered with a dust storm, then flooded, then overtaken by mice, said his street was underwater yesterday.

“I remember the last once-in-a-hundred year event like it was just last year. You won’t see something as bad as this again, until something worse comes along in a few months,” he said.

NSW residents facing fourth once-in-a-hundred-year event since last January — The Shovel

"I remember the last once-in-a-hundred year event like it was just this year"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

So how well do we really know Peter Dutton ? Is it possible there is a kinder, gentler man underneath that head kicker persona ?
Let's consider the facts.

“Having only been in Parliament for 21 years, Australians haven’t had the chance to see the real me yet” by Peter Dutton

“Now that I’m Opposition Leader, Australians will finally have a chance to see the real Peter Craig Dutton. After all, I only joined federal Parliament in 2001 – barely twenty years ago. Voters simply haven’t had a proper opportunity to get to know who I really am.

It’s pretty hard to expect people to judge me on the eighty or ninety times I’ve used asylum seekers as a political tool, or the four-hundred or so times I’ve made disparaging comments about various minority groups in this country. That was just a two-decade phase I was going through. It’s hardly a reflection of my true character.

How can people know me? They haven’t had the chance to see or hear from me. Sure, the radio interview I have with Ray Hadley might be on one of the highest rating radio programs in Sydney, but it’s is only once a week. And it’s with an interviewer who is entirely on-side with my political values. Not exactly a window into my soul.

Some desperate lefty Twitterarti losers think Australians already know me. But those idiots haven’t seen my softer side. I mean, for goodness sake, I’ve only held a senior government ministry for the past nine years. It’s hardly enough time for people to get a sense of who I am. I’m much more caring and compassionate than you think. And if you disagree, I’ll sue you.

People might think my act of walking out during the Sorry speech to Parliament said something fundamental about my character. But I’ve since made the calculation that it is not favourable to my prospects as Prime Minister and so I now regret it. End of story.

As I’ve always said, ‘Judge a man on his carefully crafted persona when he’s vying to be Prime Minister, not on the words he’s said, the things he’s done, the people he’s supported, the causes he’s stood up for, or the people he’s disparaged in the past’.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a photoshoot for the Telegraph of me holding a puppy in a countryside meadow”.

“Having only been in Parliament for 21 years, Australians haven’t had the chance to see the real me yet” by Peter Dutton

"I’m much more compassionate than you think. And if you disagree, I’ll sue you"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Boris Johnson resigns to spend more time figuring out who exactly his children are

British Party Liaison Boris Johnson has confirmed that he will be stepping down from his position, saying he was looking forward to finally being able to spend some quality time working out just how many women he has impregnated, and how many of those have given birth to his children.

In a speech today, Johnson thanked the millions of Britons who might be his children, as of 2022. “Thank you for being part of what may be the biggest Conservative majority since 1987. I’m immensely proud of the achievements of the House of Commons under my leadership.” It is understood the ‘House of Commons’ is the nickname he has given to his testicles.
Johnson has agreed to stay on as caretaker party liaison, despite not being actively discouraged from doing so, until a new liaison can be found. People are scrambling to look under couches, behind the fridge, and in the No. 10 bins to find a replacement of suitable prowess so the former liaison can get on with the important work of not getting his public stink on the rest of the party.

The process of determining exactly who Johnson’s children are is expected to be a lengthy process as there are no clear frontrunners and few are willing to step up and openly confess to being in the position.

Boris Johnson resigns to spend more time figuring out who exactly his children are — The Shovel

"I'd like to thank the millions of Britons who might be my children"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[Knobby22]

Boris Johnson resigns to spend more time figuring out who exactly his children are



View attachment 144014
British Party Liaison Boris Johnson has confirmed that he will be stepping down from his position, saying he was looking forward to finally being able to spend some quality time working out just how many women he has impregnated, and how many of those have given birth to his children.

In a speech today, Johnson thanked the millions of Britons who might be his children, as of 2022. “Thank you for being part of what may be the biggest Conservative majority since 1987. I’m immensely proud of the achievements of the House of Commons under my leadership.” It is understood the ‘House of Commons’ is the nickname he has given to his testicles.
Johnson has agreed to stay on as caretaker party liaison, despite not being actively discouraged from doing so, until a new liaison can be found. People are scrambling to look under couches, behind the fridge, and in the No. 10 bins to find a replacement of suitable prowess so the former liaison can get on with the important work of not getting his public stink on the rest of the party.

The process of determining exactly who Johnson’s children are is expected to be a lengthy process as there are no clear frontrunners and few are willing to step up and openly confess to being in the position.

Boris Johnson resigns to spend more time figuring out who exactly his children are — The Shovel

"I'd like to thank the millions of Britons who might be my children"

www.theshovel.com.au

I will miss him though.
An entertainor and erudite but not with qualities suiting the position e.g. ethics.

 

[SirRumpole]

How to spend $25m on an aboriginal flag.

View attachment 143191

Pretty expensive tokenism.

 

[basilio]

Back to the Future. Peter Dutton reports from Gilead.

Dutton returns from Gilead study trip with new ideas to revitalise Liberal party

Federal Opposition Leader Peter Dutton arrived in Canberra yesterday ‘rejuvenated and re-energised’ after two weeks touring Gilead strongholds in the South and Midwest.

Dutton met with some of Gilead’s top officials and said he took inspiration from their work. “They’re doing a lot of interesting stuff over there – with education, with religion, in the way they’re pushing women’s issues into some exciting new areas.

“Denigrating woman has been a strength of the Liberal Party’s for some time of course, but you can’t become complacent. I’m looking forward to sharing what I’ve learnt with the broader team”.

He said the Liberal Party could learn a lot from Gilead. “It’s obvious to me that we lost the last election because we became too woke. What Gilead taught me is that we need to get back to focusing on fundamental issues that are important to Australians, like protecting women’s sport from trans people and overhauling our Marxist education system”.

Dutton returns from Gilead study trip with new ideas to revitalise Liberal party

"They're doing a lot of exciting stuff over there"

www.theshovel.com.au