Political Satire

[basilio]

Hard nosed prelates at the Vatican refute profound miracle.

Vatican dismisses miracle claim after blind man sees right through Boris Johnson ​

Vatican officials have moved to dismiss claims of a divine miracle after a blind man claimed to see right through prime minister Boris Johnson.

A team of British ophthalmologists were perplexed when Simon Williams, who has been blind since birth, was able to offer an almost complete description of the current leader of the country and the motives behind his every move.

The Vatican-appointed Miracle Commission were informed of the ‘miracle’ and launched an immediate investigation into the circumstances surrounding the case.

“Sure, Mr Williams gave a pretty good description of Boris Johnson, but upon questioning, we quickly clarified how that information was obtained,” a Vatican spokesman told convened reporters.

“This man is living in a council flat consisting of two bedrooms when he himself was the sole occupant of the residence.
“He is also unemployed and on disability benefits.
“His flat is on the 22nd floor of a high rise block, whose lift is working about as often as a recent 2:2 graduate.

“So, when Mr Williams tells you that Johnson is a vainglorious fascist of deplorable merit, whose sole goal in life is to destroy the last vestiges of civilised society by surrendering the needy to a life of lonely poverty and starvation, he is only at the beginning of his detailed articulations.”

The spokesman said as a result of the investigation they had now identified a miracle of a very different type for consideration.

“It was clear to us that there was only one miracle at work here. The ungodly one that saw the Tory Party re-elected in 2019.

“That means we are one miracle short of the Canonisation of one Margaret Thatcher.

“Jesus Christ.”

Vatican dismisses miracle claim after blind man sees right through Boris Johnson

Vatican officials have moved to dismiss claims of a divine miracle after a blind man claimed to see right through prime minister Boris Johnson.

newsthump.com

 

[basilio]

And to back up the non-miracle.

‘There was no way to predict this’ explains man to nation full of people who predicted this​

Boris Johnson has spoken of his regret at the 100,000 lives lost to coronavirus in the UK, insisting that there is no way anyone could have predicted this happening, seemingly unaware of the fact that millions of people predicted that precisely this would happen.
“I’m very sorry for the loss of life, but this is not something anyone could have predicted,” explained the prime minister to the nation, before thousands and thousands of people began pointing to their predictions from almost a year ago saying that this was precisely what would happen if the government response continued being completely xhit.

Office worker Simon Williams told us, “I do accounts for a living, and I knew nothing about PPE or viruses twelve months ago, but by the middle of March it was clear to even me that if the government continued ballsing up the acquisition of PPE and avoiding the lockdown measures that were clearly necessary, then tens of thousands of people would die unnecessarily.

“Then, as cases started rising again in the Autumn, it became obvious to anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the principle of cause and effect that waiting too long to lock down for a second time would once again lead to thousands of unnecessary deaths.
“Then myself and millions of other people said any talk of relaxing the rules over Christmas would lead to thousands of unnecessary deaths, but they did it anyway.

“Then shortly after Christmas we pointed out that sending kids back into schools to mingle with each other while cases were so high would lead to thousands of unnecessary deaths – fortunately they realised their mistake, just 24 hours too late. Though on the plus side at least they are getting quicker at recognising a xuck up when they implement one.

“So yes, when they say no-one could have predicted this, I would politely point out they are talking out of their arses.”

'There was no way to predict this' explains man to nation full of people who predicted this

Boris Johnson has spoken of his regret at the 100,000 lives lost to coronavirus in the UK, insisting that there is no way anyone could have predicted this happening, seemingly unaware of the fact that millions of people predicted precisely this would happen.

newsthump.com

 

[basilio]

Rambling, Deranged Florida Man Claiming To Be President Of United States

A Florida man, believed to be in his 70s, has been telling passers by that he is the leader of the free world.

As authorities were called to the scene, witnesses say the man was erratic and anxious, at one point claiming he had been robbed. “He kept saying ‘They stole it from me. They stole it from me’,” one witness said.

“I just assumed he was talking about his wallet or his phone. But it turns out he was referring to an election. It was very odd.

“I asked him if perhaps ‘The Election’ was the name of his cat or dog, and where he had last seen it. But then he started ranting about the size of his inauguration crowd, and his television ratings, so I decided it was probably best just leave it. I gave him a few dollars and asked if he had a place to stay tonight”.

Authorities say they tried to contact the man’s friends but none were available.

Rambling, Deranged Florida Man Claiming To Be President Of United States

News you can believe in

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[dutchie]

Would not put it past the Democrats.

In Mail-In Impeachment Vote, Senate Convicts Trump 8275 To 3

February 10th, 2021

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic move, the U.S. Senate decided to switch to voting by mail for Trump's second impeachment trial. After all the votes were counted by an intern in a back room with no cameras, the Senate ruled to convict President Trump of incitement to violence by a vote of 8275 to 3.

"Our holy democracy has spoken," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "Do not ask any questions or you are a blasphemer against the sacred sacredness of our vote. Everyone can go home now!"
A couple of troublemaking Senators attempted to overthrow the Constitution by bringing up the point that there are only 100 Senators, making it impossible to arrive at a tally of 8275 to 3, but they were quickly removed from the Senate Chambers and condemned for "attempting to suppress the votes of people of color."
The Senate then moved on to other business, passing universal healthcare by a margin of 320,000 to 4.

 

[basilio]

Just my observation.

Political satire consists of presenting real information in a humorous way to make a point. And of course it is used when regimes forbid political discussion and making a pointed joke of the (real) situation still manages to highlight the issue.

Creating impossibly fictitious scenarios like Dutchies previous contribution (from Babylon Bee I guess) ?) is just dumb, nasty xhit.

Anyway back to political satire. I think we do need to be far more sensitive and understanding of people who have fallen for the most outrageous conspiracy theories that currently circle the globe. And there is QAnon Anonymous support groups out there with a message.

Check it out.

 

[basilio]

Lest we forget

 

[orr]

The QAnonamous vid Above is excellent Bas; But it gave me a terrible flashback to Sen Sprog Patterson's suggestion to sell 'Blue Poles' to pay down Government debt... equally as insane as 'trickle down' I guess...

And sadly understanding Satire like irony is unfortunatly an intellectual hurdle to far for some...It is our collective burden to carry these benighted souls, to help and guide them as best we can. Your work in this regard above is appreciated. This can also apply to poor 'Sprogger's'...

 

[basilio]

The Q Anon Anonymous story has, IMV, a number of layers of subtlety and political irony.

Yes Q Anon and fellow travelers have absolutely crazy and quite poisonous views on Satan worshiping cabals, lizard people running the planet and the evil empire of George Soros etc.

But the touche at the end is just as pointed. On any rational basis the relentless over exploitation and damage of the planet leading to certain environmental degradation is a very real example of a shared fantasy. Yet our economic system is based on continuing this practice until we fall off the environmental cliff. The belief in trickle down economics as somehow a real way of improving the lot of people in poverty is equally bizarre - but widely shared.

Food for thought ?

 

[dutchie]

It's time to short Starbucks et al.

New York Times Calls For Banning Coffee Shops After Learning People Can Have Uncensored Conversations There
February 17th, 2021

"We must ban coffee shops, as people can have conversations there that journalists are unable to fact-check," wrote Taylor Lorenz in a piece for the Times this morning. "I went up to a group in a coffee shop just the other day and sat down with them so I could record their conversation, fact-check, and dox them. They told me to 'go away' and that 'you're really weird and kinda scaring us a bit, lady' -- is this the future of democracy? People participating in free speech without any journalists around to monitor them?"

New York Times Calls For Banning Coffee Shops After Learning People Can Have Uncensored Conversations There

NEW YORK, NY - The New York Times has called for the banning of coffee shops after learning that people can have 'unfettered conversations' in them.'We must ban coffee shops, as people can have conversations there that journalists are unable to fact-check,' wrote Taylor Lorenz in a piece for the...

babylonbee.com

 

[bellenuit]

 

[basilio]

Nadal Knocked Out Of Australian Open By 5G Tower, Facebook Reports

World number two Raphael Nadal has been bundled out of the Australian Open by a mobile telephone tower, Facebook is reporting.

According to the social media site which no longer allows news, the Spanish champion won the first two sets, but began to lose concentration after chem trails were sprayed over the court early in the third. The distraction allowed the 5G tower to take control of the match, spreading COVID-19 throughout Melbourne Park, before winning the final three sets easily.
Facebook reported that there was controversy late in the fifth set when the chair umpire – who was called Q – began to share secret government intel about the coming awakening.

After the match, Nadal spoke of the up-and-coming 5G tower as a genuine threat to the competition. The 5G tower said it was just happy to be able to get through to the next round and encouraged people not to get vaccinated.


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Nadal Knocked Out Of Australian Open By 5G Tower, Facebook Reports

"Nadal lost concentration when chem trails were sprayed over the court early in the third set"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[dutchie]

To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don't work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It's in the Proverbs somewhere.


That's why we're announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire.

We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can't be satirized. He's doing all the hard work for us with statements like "You ain't black!" and, of gun violence, that "150 million people have been killed since 2007."

 

[basilio]

A clever joke ? A comment on the required qualities of public figures ?

 

[basilio]

As the Morrison Government and Christain Porter rail against the suggestion that the "recent unpleasantness" should be grounds for an independent investigation... consider this.

Christian Porter Forced To Stand Aside After Allegedly Gifting Cartier Watches To Staffers

Federal Government Minister Christian Porter has been forced to temporarily stand down from his role as Attorney General after claims he had given expensive watches to staff members as part of an office rewards scheme.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he was appalled by the accusations and that Mr Porter’s actions, if true, were immoral, potentially illegal and out of step with the public’s expectations.

“I am appalled by this. This is disgraceful. Let’s let the legal process run its course. But we simply cannot have a government minister accused of these types of things remaining in this position.

“He has been instructed to stand aside. If he doesn’t wish to do that, he can go,” Morrison said before Mr Porter agreed to comply with the request.

An independent investigation into the alleged conduct will be launched immediately.

Christian Porter Forced To Stand Aside After Allegedly Gifting Cartier Watches To Staffers

"He has been instructed to stand aside. If he doesn’t wish to do that, he can go"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Plus. The updated version of the Governments Ministerial Code of Conduct and behaviours that warrant standing down.

Government Releases Updated Ministerial Code Of Conduct — The Shovel

The code includes the full list of unacceptable behaviours for government Ministers.

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

Couldn't resist this after the utter baloney from ScoMo and Porter about not bothering to actually read the allegations repeatedly put to them.

ABC Says It Doesn’t Have Time To Read The Defamation Proceedings Launched By Christian Porter

The national broadcaster says it unfortunately doesn’t have time to read the defamation action launched by Attorney General Christian Porter.

“It just doesn’t seem relevant or important,” a spokesperson for the ABC said.

“If we took every accusation from every werido out there seriously, we’d never get any work done”.

Mr Porter has been on extended mental health leave, taking the time-out he needs to get support from qualified legal professionals. (Hmm) His legal team sent defamation proceedings to the ABC, which the national broadcaster says they are vaguely aware of.

“There’s a letter from Christian Porter’s legal team sitting on my desk, but I haven’t seen it and the claims are clearly false,” a senior executive said.

“We’re innocent. Surely that’s the end of the matter”.

ABC Says It Doesn’t Have Time To Read The Defamation Proceedings Launched By Christian Porter — The Shovel

“It just doesn’t seem relevant or important"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

“I Don’t Use A Desk, Mate”: Scott Morrison Refuses To Take Responsibility For Latest Sex Scandal

Scott Morrison has distanced himself from the latest scandal at Parliament House which saw a male staffer perform a sex act on a female MP’s desk, with the Prime Minister claiming ‘I don’t use a desk, mate’.

In an interview with Sky News Australia, Mr Morrison said, “I know Australians understand this; they know that I don’t sit at a desk doing work all day. That’s just not something I’ve ever done. Working is what other people do. I pose for photographs in sports guernseys and build cubby houses for my teenage kids.

https://www.theshovel.com.au/2021/03/23/i-dont-use-a-desk-mate-scott-morrison-responsibility/

 

[basilio]

This riposte from Fiona Patten on her election into Parliament was brill..

Patten's candour was on show from her first speech to the Victorian Legislative Council when she announced she was "the first former sex worker to be elected to a parliament anywhere in Australia".
She recalls a silence deepening and settling across the rococo chamber "like a low-pressure trough".

Her follow-up, however, was the zinger of a practised provocateur and humorist: "I am sure that the clients of sex workers have been elected in far greater numbers before me."

'I hadn't had a lot of sex lately': Fiona Patten, from sex worker to politician

The politician has just released a new book, called Sex, Drugs and the Electoral Roll.

www.smh.com.au

 

[basilio]

New-Look Morrison Promises To Cover Up Rapes More Respectfully From Now On

An emotional Scott Morrison says he has listened and learned and will be more respectful when covering up sexual assaults that take place in his workplace from now on.

“We all have to do better on how we cover up crimes,” Mr Morrison said at a special press conference yesterday.
“We need to think about the language we use. Is there another way of saying ‘get the office steam cleaned immediately and make sure this never gets out’? Is there a more courteous way to background against a victim’s partner? We need to ask these tough questions of ourselves”.

He said women are sick and tired of being ignored. “We need to listen to what they have to say and only then begin the process of suppressing and diverting attention away from their issue. We owe them that.

“I know all this because I have a mother”.

New-Look Morrison Promises To Cover Up Rapes More Respectfully From Now On — The Shovel

“We all have to do better on how we cover up crimes"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[basilio]

When one remembers the criminal, vicious. lying stuff served by by Scumo Ministers and SFA consequences this piece hits it's mark.

Christine Holgate Starting To Wish She’d Just Taken A Photo Up A Man’s Trousers

Former Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate was kicking herself today, saying that she should’ve just taken an unsolicited, sexually inappropriate photograph of a stranger rather than awarding four executives a bonus watch.

“What was I thinking? If only I’d hid in a bush and taken photos of a woman in public without her knowledge, I’d still have my job right now. But instead I had a brain-snap and gave a corporate gift,” she said.

Ms Holgate, who was forced to stand aside from her job after pressure from the Prime Minister, said if she’d had her time again she would’ve paid $26.7 million too much for land next to an airport, owned by Liberal Party donors, rather than spend $20,000 on four watches.

“I mean that’s obvious now, but at the time I just didn’t think of it. But if I’d done that, the Prime Minister would never have called for my resignation. I’d still be in a job. Probably promoted.”

The former Australia Post chief said she made the grave error of rewarding people rather than bullying them. “Now that I’ve had time to reflect on the situation, I can see that I should’ve called those executives lying cows, or at the very least relentlessly bullied them on Facebook. I’ve still got a lot to learn”.

Christine Holgate Starting To Wish She’d Just Taken A Photo Up A Man’s Trousers

"If I had my time again I would’ve paid $26.7 million too much for land next to an airport, rather than $20,000 on four watches. I'd still have a job right now"

www.theshovel.com.au

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