ASF joke thread

The record companies must have made a firtune selling the same song to us 10 times firts it was Vinyl 33 1/3 or 45 , reel to reel/ Cassettes / 8 track/cd/ mp3/ itunes and other down loads.

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What are all those clocks."?

St.Peter answered,"Those are lie clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth
has a lie clock. Every time you lie, the hand on the clock move.

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that."?

Thats Mother Teresa's, replied St. Peter. The hands have never moved.
Indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that.
St Peter responded "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.

Where's Julia Gillard's clock?. asked the man.

St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He is using it as a ceiling fan".

This mouse is in a bar when a Miss Giraffe walks in the mouse slides over and goes to work and off they go the next night the mouse in back in the bar eyes hanging out, only just able to walk ,compltly worn out , the bar asked you must of had a good night
the mouse replies between the kissin' and f**" I must have run about 100 miles.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25... IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD!

Glen48 said:

25... IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? ...

Click to expand...

Nah, you just use split screen!

Hi Glen48,

Luv this stuff,

Thanks

99... How many syllables are there in the word monosyllable?

joea said:

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What are all those clocks."?

St.Peter answered,"Those are lie clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth
has a lie clock. Every time you lie, the hand on the clock move.

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that."?

Thats Mother Teresa's, replied St. Peter. The hands have never moved.
Indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that.
St Peter responded "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.

Where's Julia Gillard's clock?. asked the man.

St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He is using it as a ceiling fan".

Click to expand...

Well I thought somebody may have asked where wayne swan's clocks is.
Well they are still trying to find bolts big enough to attach it to the ceiling.

Swishing>>
Ladies, now don't get offended - trust in your doctor!

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes
to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with water.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
> How does the water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water does f**k all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

burglar said:

Nah, you just use split screen!

Hi Glen48,

Luv this stuff,

Thanks

Click to expand...

Yes Glenn48 .. got me smiling.

Here is one I found and thought okay.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Wysiwyg said:

Yes Glenn48 .. got me smiling.

Here is one I found and thought okay.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Click to expand...

GROOOAAAAANNN!

That's even worse than the spoonerism I was reminded of today, on Liz Windsor's 85th birthday: "Three cheers for our queer old Dean!"

Hey trainspotter,

Q. How do you tell if a railway employee has died on the job?
A. You wait till knockoff time!

USA Senator to Larry Flynt your a bottom feeder!!
Larry Flynt: Agree lbut ook what I found.

Hey Glen48 kamusta ka mate ... how's the heat there?
April sure is a tough month.


Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?

A. It isn't hard.


kabayo

"A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a***hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half'.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Queensland, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Queensland,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but *****s and rugby league players up there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Queensland!'

The boy replied, "No ****??? Who did she play for?'"

ajjack
yes nice and hot but the night are tops Dead horse 1.50 a Litre and what you don't drink you can use for white ant killer.

Worked out if they have Black hair good chance they are scammers.

Man goes in to see the Dr with a wind problem so the Dr sold him a kite..
no the man walks in to the Dr office bbrrb bbrrr with every step
tells the Dr his problem the Dr goes to the cupboard and come back with a long stick with a hook on the end the mans eyes light up in panic he asks the Dr what are you going to do with that??

open the windows it stinks in here Dr replies..

Two caterpillars were muching on a few juicy leaves when a Butterfly goes over head , one Caterpillar looks up and says to the other you will never get me up in one of those things..

The 2011 World Submarine Racing Championships held in Newfoundland , Canada ...

I was just on the Aussie Property Forum thread.. and there was a real Estate Link to Egypt
I checked it out thinking it might be Pyramid Selling.

(sorrie one two many easter skotches)

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Rockingham (could be any local lower socio economic suburb close to you) flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously

Torrential rain hit Rockingham in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Rockingham Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Read St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Skye-Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.' The water rushed in the front door and out the back – it was amazing, the place has never been so clean!”

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots, hoodies and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Sarah Lee Frozen Cheesecakes, Chips, all Fizzy drinks, Wagon Wheels, Tim Tams, Coco Pops and Fruit Loops. No Diet Coke

Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter and cans of Jim Bean to calm the nerves of those affected.