# Dealing with a death in the family - specifically your child



## kincella (28 April 2012)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dSPWTBRh8&feature=related

i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement. There were no air bags in the old car she had borrowed. But air bags would not have saved her. Her  car hit a tree, the tree impacted into the driver area of the car.
I had built up a huge investment for her future.  Now it all means nothing to me.
now that she is gone.
I believe I will donate all my assets , that I accumulated for her, to a charity of her choosing. She did not leave a will, but animal rescue  was a theme that was paramount in her life.
I am just wondering, can you imagine, firstly having to bury your child, and then reflecting  on your life goals and dreams, and where do you go from there, what changes you make for the future, after burying the absolute love of your life.


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## MrBurns (28 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dSPWTBRh8&feature=related
> 
> i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement. There were no air bags in the old car she had borrowed. But air bags would not have saved her. Her  car hit a tree, the tree impacted into the driver area of the car.
> I had built up a huge investment for her future.  Now it all means nothing to me.
> ...




Oh hell I can't express my condolences strong enough.
You must try to work through this as best you can, I don't know if I could but you MUST

You will  go through stages of grief, just take it head on and deal with it as best you can.

I'm thinking of you tonight.


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## Glen48 (28 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

The words to describe the pain have not been formatted yet and it will be with you for ever what if etc.. just shows how life is uncertain and you never know what you will be dealt with.
 Sound like she was a caring child and loved animals so will be a good idea to donate... some how move on and pick up the pieces.
Be strong for the family.


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## MrBurns (28 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dSPWTBRh8&feature=related
> I am just wondering, can you imagine, firstly having to bury your child, and then reflecting  on your life goals and dreams, and where do you go from there, what changes you make for the future, after burying the absolute love of your life.




I cant and dont want to imagine that but I imagine you would re assess your view of life, it's temporary for all of us but you have been dealt the ultimate lesson in how fragile life is.

From there I would just proceed forward as best you can, it depends on what family you have around you.


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## medicowallet (28 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dSPWTBRh8&feature=related
> 
> i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement. There were no air bags in the old car she had borrowed. But air bags would not have saved her. Her  car hit a tree, the tree impacted into the driver area of the car.
> I had built up a huge investment for her future.  Now it all means nothing to me.
> ...




I offer my most sincere and deepest condolences. I shall say a prayer for you and her tonight, and I wish you peace for the coming moments.

Take care,
MW


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## So_Cynical (28 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement.




My sincere condolences Kincella.

Often that's all it takes, just a moment in time to change everything.


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## MACCA350 (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement. There were no air bags in the old car she had borrowed. But air bags would not have saved her. Her  car hit a tree, the tree impacted into the driver area of the car.



So sorry to hear Kincella, my heart felt condolences to you and your family.

Sincerely,
MC


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## McLovin (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



kincella said:


> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dSPWTBRh8&feature=related
> 
> i recently lost the love of my life, she was my first born child, she was killed in a single vechicle accident. In a second and  she was gone. A country road, no speeding, a simple error of judgement. There were no air bags in the old car she had borrowed. But air bags would not have saved her. Her  car hit a tree, the tree impacted into the driver area of the car.
> I had built up a huge investment for her future.  Now it all means nothing to me.
> ...




I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the pain you and your family must be going through.

If you need help getting through it, there are people who you can talk to. I had something fairly bad happen in my family a few years ago and being able to talk to someone made a huge difference. Just don't bottle it up inside.

ETA: I really hope you don't take this as being at all "preachy", it isn't my intent at all.


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## wayneL (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Oh Kincella! There are no words, but I am so sorry for your loss.


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## DB008 (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Kincella, my deepest condolences, so sorry for your loss. There are no words to describe your pain. 

This also happened to a very close friend of mine (2 in the car). Heart breaking.


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## Tink (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Kincella, I am so sorry to hear that.
My prayers are with you and your family

Off Topic - this should be moved to its own thread.


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## explod (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Kincella our hearts go out to you.

Deepest sympathy to you and your Family from my wife and I.


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## moXJO (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

I am so sorry for your loss kincella.


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## Knobby22 (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

I too am so sorry for your loss.
Just awful.


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## kincella (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

I appreciate all your kind thoughts and condolences. Thank you


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## StumpyPhantom (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Kincella - I'm very very sorry for your loss.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers


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## Julia (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

I've just caught up with this thread, Kincella.  I'm so very sorry.  I'm also aware of how banal and useless that sounds.

Losing a child must be unimaginably devastating.  It is out of the natural order of things.

I hope you have friends and family with whom you can share the grief which must be overwhelming.

I'll be thinking of you.

Julia


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## qldfrog (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

my thoughts are with you.
Words can not help much but if I can: try to talk it out with genuine friends.Do not keep pain inside.


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## kincella (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

I appreciate your kind thoughts and advice....
I am going through this surreal journey, of taking the time, to actually recall and remember almost every memory , every moment that I can recall, of our journey through life together, that I had with  my gorgeous daughter.
I feel, think I need to stamp it in my memory, and record it all over again.
This is not something I am ready to share with the other members of my family.
We had a beautiful bond, a love and respect we shared together. That bond was unique to us as individuals. Other members of my family had different characters, with different memories of her.
I believe her soul only lives on, with the people she came into contact with in her life.
I used to believe in another life in heaven, but after losing my mother before I was 18, my father at 26, my darling brother 4 years ago, and now my first born child, I now believe their souls only survive with the living.
So whilst I am alive, and all the people who knew her, her soul will live on. but when all of those living souls pass on, so too will her soul.
I am also torn with my Christian beliefs. That god only takes the ones he loves for a reason. Or to stop their suffering.
At the end of the day, there is nothing in my life, without my beautiful child beside me.
All the hard work, ambitions and goals, which I achieved, mean absolutely nothing to me now.
But at the same time, all of her hard work, ambitions and goals meant everything to me.
It truly is a traumatic journey, that the loss of  a child takes you on.
I would give everything ,every worldly asset I hold in this world, to have her here with me, alive again.


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## Glen48 (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

Keep talking we are all listening and sharing, your life will never be the same from now on the left on light switch means nothing any more.
Those of us who have been though a divorce know the pain of seperation and the only prescription is time.


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## StumpyPhantom (29 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

We're with you Kincella.  We're with you.  Strangers though we may be, we see your pain and we want to take some of your burden, if only the sound of my heart breaking could do that for you.

I sense that your purpose in life will come to you through this process, and it will revolve around your beautiful daughter.  You are courageous beyond words, and you will need to be in days, weeks and years to come.

But please know that your daughter would be supremely proud of her Daddy.


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## CanOz (30 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*

You are in my thoughts kincella, I'm so sorry for your tragic loss.

Bless your heart...

CanOz


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## kincella (30 April 2012)

I am not sure if this is a topic that will interest this forum.
I recently had to bury my first born child. It has devasted me.
We all expect to bury our parents, and older members of our families, we just do not expect to have to bury our children.
I posted the news over on the property forum, only because that is the only forum I have ever posted on, on this site.
I have seen a couple of requests that my sad news be removed from that thread.

I had done what a lot of parents do, I made investments for my childrens future. Long term investments to benefit them, and for later on, after I passed on.
I also invested a lot of time in educating and teaching my first born child , all about my business, and investing. She recipricated, and was a model learner. She helped me in my business, she was learning the ropes, she would take over one day.
Does this sound familiar to most.

The last thing I expected was to lose her. That she would not be there with me for the journey.
I am planning on donating the assets allocated to her, to a charity, one that she would approve of. It is early days yet, so maybe I am not in a good frame of mind. I am not  about to make any sudden decisions, I have, I assume plenty of time to sort it out. But I do need to make changes to my will, and trusts to record her passing, and to sort out her legacy.
It is a huge jolt, it is life changing, to have to think about, my loss of direction in my life now.
I had all these plans, it was possibly what drove me for so many years.
I feel I have now lost the drive and direction, that held me together for so much of my life. Where do I go now, what do I do.

So many young ones die on the roads today, so there must be a lot of parents like myself out there. I think Victoria had recorded 45 road deaths, in the first 6 weeks this year.
There is nothing much we as parents can do to avoid a lot of these unnecessary deaths. We had her taught advanced driving techniques, when she first started driving. She was a bit of a car freak when she first started driving. She bought herself an old GT Falcon that had been done up. She was a careful driver, not a hoon. Who knows what happened that fateful day, it seems we will never know. We think another car came around the bend on the wrong side of the road, and she swerved to avoid it. There were no witnesses that came forward.
Air bags have a very limited capacity to save lives. When the car is impacted into the interior of the car, like the car hitting a tree, there is almost nothing that will save them. Air bags will not save lives in that situation..
Roll bars may have saved her, but they are not the norm for the family car.
In just a few seconds, less than a minute and she was gone.
I am still finding it hard to accept, that I will never see her again.

I am posting my story here, because we all seem so driven, and caught up in the hectic race in life. We are all concerned with so much, so many things, that drive us. Our plans and goals, our dreams, careers  are all wrapped around our family, and to provide for them, and ourselves for the future.
I watched with her with so much pride and joy, all her plans and goals, her achievements, her zest for life, her hard work to achieve everything she set her sights on. I was so proud of her, but at the same time, it is what I had expected of her, and she never let me down.
I did not live my life through my child, as some parents do. You know the "do as I say, not do what I do scenario".
But I did bet everything on the premise, that she would be around as long as I would be.
I led by example, and she followed, but with her own personality, and unique character, quirkiness , added in to the equation, that made everything she did, just so exciting. She excelled at everything she took on. Her achievements are a whole,   another story. 
What is the point of this post, ?.
I guess, what I am trying to say, is the saying 'you dont know what you have lost, until you lose it'
What you take for granted, as the normal, a life expectancy with a loved one, a special person, can be taken away from you in an instant.
And then, what on earth do you do with your life without them, by your side.
as in the song,  by Guns N roses, 

Where do we go now ?

At her funeral, we played Guns N Roses, Sweet child of Mine ,then  Phil Collins, You'll be in my heart, and  finally Israel Kamakawiwo’ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow, as tributes for her life, her memorial.


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## kincella (30 April 2012)

*Re: The future of Australian property prices*



StumpyPhantom said:


> We're with you Kincella.  We're with you.  Strangers though we may be, we see your pain and we want to take some of your burden, if only the sound of my heart breaking could do that for you.




Yes,    I can you hear the sound of YOUR  broken heart, And your grieving for me, AND I appreciate you kind thoughts, whilst I am  grieving for the the Absolute Love of My life
I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
BUT ....MY BROKEN HEART.
IT CAN NEVER BE ...UNBROKEN, 
I will have to live with this loss, forever, 

 A BROKEN HEART, CAN NEVER BE UNBROKEN.

**That is one of lifes most important lessons

It is a lesson, I had never previously envisaged, or contemplated, or was part of my life 
plans, nor goals. I had just never considered, that the Absoulute Love of MY life, MY First Born Child, would be deceased, would die in a horrific accident.

Her life would be taken from me, stolen within an instant.
And I would have no say in it, I would have no input. 
And there was nothing that I could do to save her.
I was not aware of any warning signs.

The cold reality of the Police arriving at my door, asking me to go to a Funeral Parlour, to formally identify the body of THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, WILL LIVE WITH ME FOREVER.


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## StumpyPhantom (30 April 2012)

Kincella - how are your other children (child) coping?


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## Joe Blow (30 April 2012)

I have moved all the relevant posts from the property thread into this one so we can keep both discussions separate.

My sincere condolences to Kincella.


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## basilio (30 April 2012)

Just devastating... So sorry to hear it.. so much pain and so much loss.

Take care.


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## skc (1 May 2012)

Kincella,

Sorry for your loss. Your daughter's memory will live on, but in time I hope you find the strength and courage to gather yourself and focus on other aspects of life. 

As a new parent I really didn't want to read or post in this thread. But I am glad I did as your words make me re-think what is truely important in life.


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## BradK (1 May 2012)

Kincella, 

My deepest condolences. Your grief has stopped everyone here in their tracks - giving pause to think about their own loved ones, the fragility of life and to appreciate what they have. 

I sincerely hope you find the strength rebuild your life. It sounds like you had a special relationship with your daughter, and the memory of her will be a great source of strength for you. 

Brad


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## breaker (1 May 2012)

Sorry for your loss I dont know how you would ever get over it.

Life isn't fair when there are so many gruby kids around who do not contribute.


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## Tink (1 May 2012)

Kincella, I cant even imagine how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. 
The loss of a child would have to be one of the hardest things to deal with.
Its good to see you talking in here.

My cousin lost her son when he was 13yo, he was the same age as my daughter at the time, that was 7 years ago, and it was just devestating. There was not a dry eye at the funeral from start to finish.
She and her husband seeked counselling and it helped them both immensely.
People grieve differently and it was something that they both felt they needed. 

Thanks Joe for moving this thread.


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## wayneL (1 May 2012)

I lost my only sibling in a freak accident when I was 19, and he was my folks' first born as well.

Yes it was devastating and changed the course of all our lives.

Kinc, I can't even tell you how we got through it, because I don't know how we did it. 

I think by confronting your loss as you seem to be doing is the best way. Although I did grieve, I bottled up the deepest part of my grief for years and it all came out years later.... judging by my emotions as I write this, probably still have difficulties truly confronting it even now 31 years later.

I can't advise anything helpful, but in my own case, I just wished I would have grieved deeply, properly, sooner. It might have helped me.


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## kincella (1 May 2012)

StumpyPhantom said:


> Kincella - how are your other children (child) coping?




My other, only daughter is naturally devastated. She is a busy mum herself, with 4 children of her own. There is a bond between them, between brothers and sisters that can never be broken.

When I lost my own mother before I was 18, I grieved and mourned for 10 years or more.  I did the same thing then, recalling and recording almost every memory I had of her, to stamp it all in my memory, so her memory would not be lost. I found that to be a great source of comfort in all the years following. My mother was a great role model for me, and I believe she would be proud of me today.
My daughter that died, was very similar to my mother. They both had  very similar souls, personalities, characteristics.
So too my dearest brother, who was taken from us 4 years ago. The soul within is like a gene, or DNA, that lives on , while it is nurtured and loved, by those left behind.

My mothers, baby sister is still alive, in her 80's now. She is the last living link to my mother, from her family. We can touch, and hug and love my aunt, she is so real for us.

Memorising my departed family this way, allows me to picture them, I can see them as clearly, as if they were here today. A memory is triggered, and I can recall watching my father training the horses, or my mother with her prized stud cattle, my brother winning the races, and then all of us celebrating later. I have millions of vivid memories of their every day life.

I can recall any of my memories of them at will. 
I find this recall system helps me, keeps me going, keeps their memories alive for the future.
When my parents died, their siblings took all their photographs, and I was left with very few. They did not leave photos of me or my siblings, nor did they ever offer to send us copies.
With my children, I took thousands of photos of them. I took photos almost weekly, whilst watching them grow, and blossom.
For the past 5 or more years I embarked on a project to transfer all of my childrens and my family photos onto media sticks, so each of my girls would have their own copies, photographic records of their life, and also of all of my  few, small collection I hold,  of my families history.
I have done the same for my brother and sister. The next step I need to take, is to take a portable scanner to the homes of other relatives, to get copies of photos they hold of my family and their families.
I have a scanner that reads negatives, so even if I only have the negatives, I can recover the photographs. I also have a scanner that copies the old photos. Taking photos today with the new digital cameras, makes all that old system obsolete.

I am thinking now, it was probably the loss of my families, and my childhood photographs, that made me deliberately recall, and record forever in my  memory, the living pictures I now hold of my family.
By exposing my thoughts in this massive, tragic event in my life, I hope it may help other people who are still coming to terms with the loss of their loved ones.


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## Timmy (1 May 2012)

So sorry Kincella. 

Be gentle on yourself. One day at a time for now. The pain lessens a little. Never, ever, goes away.


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## Logique (1 May 2012)

Sympathies Kincella. If your loved one had a message for you now, what do you think it would be?


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## MrBurns (1 May 2012)

Kincella,

I identify with a couple of points you made earlier, that those who have gone live on in us, not in heaven, it's a glint in the eye, a mannerism, the way they talk or think or move it's all there , your daughter will live on through her sister and her children, there's no doubt about that, she's not gone Kincella she is still there in them.

The other was the sense that nothing matters any more, all the work you did or were doing just doesn't matter any more nothing matters any more, I felt that same thing when my marriage finally failed, all of a sudden , in an instant, nothing mattered any more, a very strong feeling.

It will get better, a friend of mine who marriage failed after 30 years was completely broken, he went to a psychologist and is now OK, worth considering, but it's your call, certainly can't hurt to try it.

In 06' my wife left and within 2 months of that I lost my best friend and brother both to cancer.

There is no greater wake up call than losses of this kind and the loss of a child would be as bad as it gets.

My deep felt philosophy is that we are here to help others not to make as much money as we can, we are here almost as a test to see if we will help those less fortunate, there are many who have given it all up to devote their lives to this, such as Scott Neeson 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Neeson 
I haven't gone that way yet , one day I still might.


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## kincella (1 May 2012)

Mr Burns,                                             
I watched Scott Neesons story only a couple of weeks ago, a truly admirable person.
I believe most of us want to give back into our society, like we are all in this together.
I also believe charity begins at home, whereby you look after your own extended family first, so they do not become the homeless and needy, and then you look after the other members of society as best you can.
I prefer the motto, teach a man to fish, rather than just feed him fish, so he can become self sufficient.
I have been looking after my 2 brothers for many years now, when both ended up in unfortunate circumstances.
 I am now more focused towards helping the animals. I had been involved in rescuing  animals many years ago, and that is something my daughter was also involved with, it was close to her heart.

Logique
the message my daughter might send me ?
She loved me, she was proud of me, proud of my achievements, so I would think she would not like me to give it all up...
ie my thoughts, that nothing matters any more, now she has gone.

I know exactly what her message might be....ask the car makers, to design a roll bar, or some device, where the interior of the car can withstand an impact with a tree, or another car. Instead of crumbling like cheap plastic on impact. Or make better air bags, to save lives under those collisions. She had an interest in inventions, and finding answers to common problems, difficulties people faced.

She was fiesty at times. Strange things happened leading up to her funeral, 3 cars in the immediate family circle, all had  flat batteries, and one had a big electrical problem. My battery was flat after we came from viewing her body, the others on the day of the funeral. I dont believe in ghosts, but my daughter thought it was her sister's influence, that she did not want to be buried, or to leave this earth.
I will go and talk the the Reverend who conducted her service, for guidance. (he is a big animal lover, person, just like she was)


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## MrBurns (1 May 2012)

kincella said:


> Mr Burns,
> She was fiesty at times. Strange things happened leading up to her funeral, 3 cars in the immediate family circle, all had  flat batteries, and one had a big electrical problem. My battery was flat after we came from viewing her body, the others on the day of the funeral. I dont believe in ghosts, but my daughter thought it was her sister's influence, that she did not want to be buried, or to leave this earth.
> I will go and talk the the Reverend who conducted her service, for guidance. (he is a big animal lover, person, just like she was)




Not that long after my mate died, I got a hole in one at the golf club, we played together twice a week, I'm not a great golfer, I reckon it was a message from him.


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## kincella (9 May 2012)

The loss of a loved one, can bring about an awareness, with their memories, intertwined, into a daily habit of renewal, to recall their loves, their soul, and what was important to them.

I had purchased a house for my daughter, she loved the location, it was an  old Calafornian Bungalow, in a beautiful Elm, tree lined street, but  most importantly it had the most beautiful old garden. A blend of a traditional English style garden, with the most beautiful trees, hedges, and roses.

The house was built in 1918, and the garden had many old plants, some dating back 80 years or more, including the majestic beautiful old Japanese Maple, together with some very old roses.The Japanese Maple died about 4 years ago, we were heartbroken. I had a tree expert looking after if for the past 10 years, trying to save it. I had subsequently planted another Japanese Maple to replace it, but some mongrels stole it.

I went through the heart wrenching exercise of  removing all her belongings from her house, in order to rent it out. I will not sell it. There were too many of her memories, her loves, goals, plans tied up in that house. I live next door now ,moved back here a year ago.
  I am planning on selling my current home at some stage in the future, and will extend and renovate her house and live there. I will keep her memory alive as long as I can.
 I will be replacing the Japanese Maple at her house. The balance of the garden is thriving, together with the most beautiful dark red roses, with a heavenly scent, that bloom most of the year round. I think they are a 1940's era, but further research is needed.
On a sad note, a gorgeous english box tree, that she gave me, many years ago, that survived many years, in a pot,  on a balcony in Toorak, suddenly died this year, just after her death.
This week I spent fixing and restoring, and adapting a couple of bird baths, and garden ornaments from her garden. She had a very old bird bath, that we had purchased many years ago, but the column, or stand had broken. It was made of concrete. I could not find a matching stand, but I did find a  bird bath, that was remotely similar, and made some modifications, that I think she would be pleased with. The original bird bath was new, but a replica of an antique style, that I had difficulty finding today.

I am working on doing as much as I can, to continue her dreams, her goals, her plans she had for the place she called home.
The idea to bring her plans to fruition, is helping me to cope , in this most difficult time.


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## MrBurns (9 May 2012)

Do whatever it takes to get you throught this, she will always be with you, regardless of any physical memories you preserve.

We dont know you but we're with you kincella, you'll be ok.


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## StumpyPhantom (9 May 2012)

+1 Kincella

And keep sharing with us.  It may or may not (sometimes) lighten your burden.  But sometimes the fact that we're not known to you will help, other times not.

Through all of the pain that you're feeling, try and also find "peace" for yourself.  Slowly at first, moment by moment.  You're still very much grieving at the moment, and so inner peace is probably the last thing on your mind.  But know it's there for you to grasp.


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## Julia (9 May 2012)

Kincella, in all that you write about your daughter and your feelings for her, what especially comes through to me is how incredibly lucky she was to have such a father.

Her life has been tragically cut short, but it's very clear that in the time she was here she enjoyed a paternal love that few achieve.


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## MrBurns (9 May 2012)

Julia said:


> Kincella, in all that you write about your daughter and your feelings for her, what especially comes through to me is how incredibly lucky she was to have such a father.
> 
> Her life has been tragically cut short, but it's very clear that in the time she was here she enjoyed a paternal love that few achieve.




Well said Juiia, good observation.


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## kincella (9 May 2012)

MrBurns said:


> Do whatever it takes to get you throught this, she will always be with you, regardless of any physical memories you preserve.
> 
> We dont know you but we're with you kincella, you'll be ok.




I appreciate all  your kind thoughts, and advice from all of you...

I have never cried so much in all my life

Big men dont cry...?
phoohey


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## MrBurns (10 May 2012)

kincella said:


> I appreciate all  your kind thoughts, and advice from all of you...
> I have never cried so much in all my life
> Big men dont cry...?
> phoohey




Men who don't cry have a problem, you must release to grief until it subsides and to cry is only natural and will help.


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## satanoperca (10 May 2012)

Thanks Kincella for sharing your feelings, it has made me reflect on the time I spend with my son and making sure that I spend as much quality time as possible with him because you never know when it may end.

I hope you pain lessons over time and your memories of your daughter remain bright.

Cheers


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## VeryGreen (10 May 2012)

kincella said:


> I appreciate all  your kind thoughts, and advice from all of you...
> 
> I have never cried so much in all my life
> 
> ...





We do cry. As a matter of fact, as a bloke thats larger than life I can honestly tell you reading this thread I've let go. I can not begin to understand how painful this experience has been for you. All I can do is offer cold comforts in the form of sympathetic catch phrases which I am sure you've heard a lot of.

My heart's broken for you today my friend. All I can do is thank you for sharing your story as it makes me appreciate those around me. 

Take care and work through it one day at a time.


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## kincella (13 May 2012)

Mother's Day, is a cause for celebration, for the living. But spare some thoughts for all the mothers out there, who have lost a child. For them, it is a day of grieving.
There is a child, who for the first time, cannot call home, cannot say I love you mum.
So for their mother, it  is not a celebration, but a day for  grieving.

So to the children, who have lost their mothers. It is not a happy day for everyone.
Where do they go, what do they do, they grieve, and mourn their mothers.

This post, is to express my condolences, to all the mums out there, and the children, who for them, this is not a celebration....but a day of memories, and mourning, their loved ones.


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## kincella (16 May 2012)

my whole life has changed...
everything that I planned, from the day she was born, 
all the promises I made to her...
I kept most of those promises...well, the majority of them
I fell down sometimes, as we all do...stumbling, then recovering,
then getting back on track

it was those goals, and plans, I made in my life, the promises I made to her

that kept me alive, motivated, all these years...


and now I feel lost....

where do I go now ?,
it is a struggle, to absorb this realisation, that my life, as I knew it, has been changed forever


dont get me wrong, I am satisfied with my own personal goals and achievements

but it was the whole picture, that motivated me
the goals, and plans, to ensure our children live on, beyond us
for our children to achieve their goals and plans,
for them to achieve whatever inspired them
and for them, to pass on the same inspirations, to their   off spring

and then, it was all changed, in just one fateful day....
in just a few seconds
and I would never see her again....
I , who was the fixer, the one that could fix anything....
and I suddenly, had no control over the situation, it was out of my control

she was my best friend, my confidante, my protector, my staunchest critic,
we argued, we laughed, we enjoyed so many common interests...
we also debated many subjects, including politics...


some of you may be interested, there is a site. ...
www.imorial.com
where you can set up a memorial site, for a loved one...


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## awg (17 May 2012)

I know a man whose children were both taken from him tragically early.

His wife died, his brothers and sisters.

Somehow he has retained his humanity. 

He even laughs. I wish I knew how he gets the strength

strength be to you


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## MrBurns (17 May 2012)

kincella said:


> my whole life has changed...
> ...




Mine did too after divorce though. 
You spend your life looking after someone. every decision you make is with that person in mind......suddenly they aren't there, it takes away your reason for doing everything the way you used to.
Very empty, very debilitating........you just have to go forward and eventually is sorts itself out, I really do think counseling would speed things up (note to self)

Be very careful not to run the whole thing through your mind every day for years, I think that could be very damaging.


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## Glen48 (17 May 2012)

Know how you feel Mr.B. you think of something and think I must tell the wife then realsie she is with some other man.
 Mine was collecting C/Support  from me while she was undercutting my business in opposition and stealing my customers.

We lost about 2M between us and she now lives with a cat.
 But you have go push on as there is no way back like a tooth ache you do some thing about it or suffer the pain or lessen the pain as it never goes away, time is a good healer.
Move away from the memories like a captain of a damaged submarine  who has to close the bulkhead door to save the boat and doom those on the other side of the door it hurts.


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## kincella (17 May 2012)

I appreciate your support and help. I am trying to move away, not torture myself with thinking about her so much. I have been busy in the garden, I dont really enjoy gardening, but I like a manicured formal garden. She was the gardener. 
I do have help, I have a group, who do the lawns, and had a gardener/landscaper in last week to work on a problem area. Too much rain in the past year, and I discovered a drainage problem. Hopefully that problem is now resolved.

Trying to keep busy now is the problem. I need to find other interests, whether I go volunteering or something.

I would like to rescue animals, but that will require a larger property, to house them.
It is an option, but will require a whole re-think and changes from where I am at.
I used to rescue the horses when I was younger, but I dont believe I am up to the fitness level, one would require, to do it again.

They say divorce is on a similar scale of 1;10 compared to a death.

I went through a divorce over 30 years ago, we have stayed friends.
I believe we were good friends, who should never have married.

I  empathise with all of you who have lost a loved one.
Cheers


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## Glen48 (17 May 2012)

Maybe you should tell us your family situation so we have a better understanding if you live alone now we know how hard it must be.

Got a few animals on ASF you can collect.


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## kincella (17 May 2012)

I have lived alone for 20 years, my preference, once bitten twice shy.

I was especially close to this daughter. My other daughter lives in another state, and has a big family, with her own committments thereto.
I moved back to the country a year ago, in semi retirement. We had adjoining houses next to each other. So we spent a lot of time together.
She used to visit me in Melbourne on a regular basis, for weeks on end. She did all my books, and accounting work. She was learning the property business. 
I was mentoring her to take it over, be in charge of it one day. We also had a lot of common interests that we shared.

I do have many close members of an  extended family close by, and a good network of friends. Some of my friends go back to my first year at school.

Truthfully I find it hard  to see my family and friends, and I believe it is vice versa.
Like many people on these sites, they find it confronting, not something they want to address, or to deal with. I would have done the same.

I am starting to get in touch with them again, and am planning on a get together soon.

There is an elephant in the room, she was larger than life, and my family and friends knew how close we were.
cheers


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## MrBurns (17 May 2012)

kincella said:


> I have lived alone for 20 years, my preference, once bitten twice shy.




I can relate to that.

Sounds to me like you will be ok, but it's heartbreaking.
Once you're back with friends and family and talking about it, it may be easier.
You'll never forget ...but one day you'll get a chance to help some kid ...and that will be something that you will do for your daughter and yourself.


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## Julia (17 May 2012)

Kincella, just a suggestion for something useful to do which you might find fulfilling:
many schools, both primary and secondary have a mentoring program where volunteers from the community, after a period of training, work to support individual students who are considered at risk, whether because of their own personality/adjustment difficulties, or more commonly because of their disadvantaged home background.

Seeing a young person gradually acquire confidence and give up some of their destructive behaviours can be immensely rewarding.

It might not be your thing at all, but you do sound like the kind of person who would admirably fill such a role.


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## kincella (17 May 2012)

Good idea Julia,
I am actually mentoring a pair of young ladies at the moment....they are both 20 years of age, and I have given them my daughters house to rent.. 
One of the girls came to me, through a family friend, when she was 15, for work experience, and I have apparently changed her life for the better since then.
I have not had very much personal contact with her in the past 5 years, but her family,  have kept me informed of her progress. 
So when she came looking for help to branch out on her own, and seeking my assistance
in finding a rental property, and her, being aware of my daughter's death, knowing it was a big ask on her part, I  took my time to respond, but we agreed, I would give her the opening she needed, the start required.
I have done everything by the book, and will hand the job over to a real estate agent, to give her the start, record  required,  to establish her as a good tenant, for her future reference requirements.

I have also taken 2 young boys under my wing, they are new neighbours of mine. The parents are a mother with her two boys , in a newly established relationship , just one year old, with a rather aggressive male partner. Both boys, aged 12 and 16 were showing very anti social behaviour, in the first month they arrived here. 

I am showing the boys, there is an alternative response, outlet, answer,  a whole new world out there just waiting for them, if  only they can  see it, experience it...

Both exercises are a work in progress, and so far, I am seeing some great results.

Its all about just caring for your community, your family, friends, and neighbours.

We are all the same, are we not, just digging in, helping out, as best we can.


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## kincella (21 May 2012)

I understand if most of you may find this thread depressing, but some may read it out of curiosity, or interest, or compassion.,
I expect to go through a series of emotions, new emotions I never expected to experience in my lifetime.
I was always a confident, happy go lucky, positive person. My life and goals were mapped out, I had plans, for each decade of my life, with goals to be met, and achievements ticked off.
Then the last phase, the retirement period, when I would be able to indulge in my hobbies, and giving back to society.
Hard work was rewarded, so that I could afford to do the things dearest to my heart, in my later years. 
I figured I would retire by 60, and then look forward to another 30 years, another lifetime, to do all the things I really loved to do, but either could not afford, or had the time, whilst building that career, and earlier life.

Don't get me wrong, I  do not believe I am depressed.
But I had always pictured my beautiful daughter, being there with me, in my freedom, and  retirement years.
Currently at this time, I am trying to keep busy, doing all sorts of things I do not normally do, to keep busy, to stop me thinking about my loss, her absence from my life.

Maybe it is early days, and it will eventually pass, but I currently have no interest in my future now. I feel no desire to live another 30 years, without her by my side.

I am not contemplating suicide.

There is a  big difference. I have suddenly experienced, pessimism, instead of optimism, and its a whole new world to me.

I am no longer excited about my future. I feel I have nothing to look forward to.
I no longer care about my future.
Apart from living for my little dog, who is just 5 years old, with a lifetime expectancy of 15 years....I feel nothing else interests me, nothing else is important.

All the things that mattered in my life before, all that I strived for, that was so important to me, for my family, my loves, hobbies, is all gone, disappeared, in those few seconds, when her life ended in a seamlessly innocent mistake, driving on a country road.
It is an amazing transformation. It is not an experience most of us would expect, to have to experience in our lifetime.
The majority of us , do not expect to bury a child, it is the other way around.
we expect to bury our parents, who would have lived a fulfilled and happy life.

I am feeling almost skitso at the moment, at this time,  and at different periods each day.
It seems surreal.
I am despondent, and then at the same time, I can get excited by the fact that I have discovered that there are in fact, tiny glider possums living in my location, including some wombats. 
Whereas up until last week, I was knocking my head against a brick wall. I could have sworn that I had the tiny glider possums in my back yard, but all the google research indicated it was not possible. Now I have discovered  a group of scientists have confirmed those tiny possums live within 2 klms of my home.
One retirement plan was to rescue wild life, wombats, foxes, etc, all those beautiful animals, one sees on the local road, killed or maimed by cars
I sought a local wildlife group who told me there are no wombats in this area....but they are wrong...I found another group, scientists who have confirmed they do live here, in very limited numbers.


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## Glen48 (21 May 2012)

You will find you do thing's that you never thought you were capable of doing, feeling, emotions, thought wants you never knew existed in your life.
You have entered new world that has a high entrance fee.
 You will feel like a zombie in some one else's world like trying to shout in a vacuum and no one can hear you.


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## kincella (21 May 2012)

Glen48 said:


> You will find you do thing's that you never thought you were capable of doing, feeling, emotions, thought wants you never knew existed in your life.
> You have entered new world that has a high entrance fee.
> You will feel like a zombie in some one else's world like trying to shout in a vacuum and no one can hear you.




amazing, you are spot on...
how did you come to that world ??

and I feel empathy for all those people, all those lives lost, destroyed, we hear about every single day, on the evening news
its as if we live in a different world,  or universe....
a world, where only our children die, and our life is changed forever...


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## Glen48 (22 May 2012)

A marriage dying is the teacher.


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## kincella (22 May 2012)

My experience of my  'dying marriage' was like a long ,slow, drawn out, death sentence...
There was time to adjust, time to fight it, time to say sorry, and time to avoid it...then when it appeared inevitable, there was time to seek answers, take another road, time to search for an alternative.

on a scale of one to ten at the time, it was up there, at a high level

However in retrospect, in hindsight, after the death of my child....
the death of a child is a no. 10 on the scale of 1:10
and the marriage breakdown, in comparison is  now a 5:10

The difference maybe, is my child was a part of me, she had my genes, my DNA, she was like my right arm...

there is a different level of love, in the parent child relationship
it is a different love, to the partner cum marriage relationship

That is the only way I can explain it, at this time
I had more than enough experience with the deaths of significant people in my life, before my divorce. I lost my mother before I was 18, my father at 25, plus other family members in between.
Then I lost a very significant person just 4 years ago, my dear brother, we were so close. He was only 62, he had been very ill for over 10 years, but I actually believed, as sick as he was, that I could have saved him from death, and he could have lived a meaningful and happy life, without too much pain. I tried my hardest to get him the best care, to save his life. But that result, was out of my control. I truly believe he acquired the worst hospital born superbug, almost from the moment he entered the hospital, the very hospital that was supposed to save his life.

The death of my daughter, my first born child, has been the most traumatic of all. 

I had no warning, there were no signs, no alerts, there was nothing I could do to save her.
A single vehicle accident, and she was dead within seconds.

Maybe it is my personal problem, with who I am, my perceived role in life, that now has to change.

Up until now, I have always been the 'fixer', the saviour. I have prided myself
on the fact that I can fix and save my family, from whatever they need, fixing and saving from. I took on the role of the family  protector.

I can usually fix most problems for my family. That is if, I have some warning,or indication, that there is a problem, that needs fixing.

We cannot wrap our loved ones in cotton wool to protect them.
We can only love them, and then  care for them.
And then pray to god, we are not the ones left there, to bury them.
That is the hardest task any parent should have to endure.


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## noirua (28 November 2021)

Mr Motivator has announced that his 12-year-old granddaughter Hadassah has died after a five-day battle against meningitis.





__





						Mr Motivator announces death of his granddaughter, aged 12
					





					www.msn.com


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