# ASF joke thread



## Joe Blow (16 April 2005)

I'm a big believer in laughter. I like to laugh and I like a good joke. I've also noticed we have a few amateur comedians on board here. I got an unexpected giggle or two from the Domino's Pizza thread, amongst others!

So in an attempt to inject a little non-seriousness into Aussie Stock Forums I've decided to start a joke thread. We can keep all the funny business in here and leave the serious business to the rest of the forums. When the market turns against you and things are looking grim, you can always pop into this thread and have a laugh.

Feel free to add a joke to this thread.... just keep it fairly clean! There are ladies and children present!

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


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## doctorj (16 April 2005)

Heard this oldie on the radio the other morning.

Q: Why do they call the area between a woman's breasts and her hips a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.


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## dutchie (16 April 2005)

Currently.....

There are two types of traders:

- those who cannot forecast stock prices, and 
- those who do not know that they cannot forecast stock prices.



PS That's me at the moment!


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## dutchie (16 April 2005)

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Sydney to Perth.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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## GreatPig (16 April 2005)

An oldie, but one of my all-time favourites:

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic agnostic?

A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

GP


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## Mofra (17 April 2005)

A client and their broker were eating dinner, as the main course is delivered the client knocks the steak knife off their plate and it falls towards the broker's foot.  The broker just watches it fall until it stabs him in the foot, prompting the client to ask, 'Why didn't you move your foot?'  The broker replies, 'I was waiting for it to go back up'


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## Fleeta (18 April 2005)

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get back to his computer to keep ramping ZFX and BPC...


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## doctorj (18 April 2005)

Best one yet!


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## The Barbarian Investor (18 April 2005)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


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## The Barbarian Investor (18 April 2005)

Topical Joke?


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## The Barbarian Investor (18 April 2005)

ooops 'slipped'..


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## Fleeta (19 April 2005)

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down 
by a bus and killed.  Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her: 

"Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem...you see, 
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and 
we're not really sure what to do with you." 

"Oh I see" said the woman.  "Can't you just let me in?" 

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're 
 instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then 
you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity." 

"Actually I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. 

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the 
downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out 
onto a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club, 
around her were many past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy and 
cheering for her.  They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. 

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country 
club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.  She met the 
Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling 
jokes and dancing.  Before she knew it, it was time to leave, everyone shook 
her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator.  The elevator 
went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. 

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. 

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the 
harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. 

At the day's end St. Peter returned. 

"So," he said, "you've spent a day in hell, and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two." 

The woman thought for a second and replied:  "Well, heaven is certainly 
lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell.  I choose hell." 

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back 
down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself 
standing in a hot desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.  She 
saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. 
The Devil approached and put his arm around her. 

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "yesterday I was here 
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we 
danced and had a wonderful happy time.  Now all there is here is just a 
dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." 

The Devil looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."


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## DTM (19 April 2005)

Ha ha ha ha ha LOL....  I know that one too well!!!!


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## RichKid (19 April 2005)

Some great stuff there folks, keep it up! The HR joke reminds me of some of the big professional firms that roll out the red carpet to entice young grads desperate for a job during the summer apprenticeship periods- once they're on the fulltime payroll it all changes.



> posted by Fleeta
> Why did the Chicken cross the road?
> To get back to his computer to keep ramping ZFX and BPC...




Fleeta's reminded me of an old email that did the rounds some time ago, here it is, all chicken jokes for your pleasure:



> WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
> 
> PAT BUCHANAN  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
> 
> ...


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## Investor (25 April 2005)

In the book "The Essays of Warren Buffett", on page 190;

"Ben Graham told a story 40 years ago that illustrates why investment professionals behave as they do: An oil prospector, moving to his heavenly reward, was met by St Peter with bad news. "You're qualified for residence", said St Peter, "but, as you can see, the compound reserved for oil men is packed. There's no way to squeeze you in." 

After thinking a moment, the prospector asked if he might say just four words to the present occupants. That seemed harmless to St Peter, so the prospector cupped his hands and yelled:

"OIL DISCOVERED IN HELL."

Immediately, the gate to the compound opened and all of the oil men marched out to head for the nether regions. Impressed, St Peter invited the prospector to move in and make himself comfortable. The prospector paused.

"No," he said, "I think I'll go along with the rest of the boys. There might be some truth to that rumour after all."


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## Investor (26 April 2005)

Wall Street has a saying:

"Do not mistake a bull market for brains".


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## Investor (27 April 2005)

To buy or to sell, that is the question?

I used to be indecisive. Now, I am just not sure.


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## tech/a (27 April 2005)

"A fool and his money are easily parted"

Yeh fine what I want to know is-------

"Whats a fool doing with money in the first place??"


"Where there is a will there is a benificiary!!"


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## GreatPig (28 April 2005)

Investor said:
			
		

> I used to be indecisive. Now, I am just not sure.



Ah yes... there's a pile of them.

I used to be apathetic, but now I can't be bothered.

I used to be a quitter, but it all just became too hard.

I used to be inattentive, but... um... what were we talking about again?

I used to be submissive, but now I'm allowed not to be if I ask nicely.

I used to suffer from Alzheimers, but I forget what became of that now.

And the all-time classic: I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooowwwwww! (you really have to hear this one told )

Cheers,
GP


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## sam76 (25 June 2005)

A nice clean one to reignite this thread!  


Q:   What's E.T. short for?



A: Simply because he's got little legs!


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## Battman64 (25 June 2005)

Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the telephone directory?

A. Its 'cause they all have telephones.  

(The silly ones are the best)


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## tech/a (25 June 2005)

Ever wondered what gets said between the Control Tower and the Cockpit. Apologies for the Basil Fawlty humour. 
Read on!


While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. 
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" 
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" 


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." 


Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" 
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" 
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" 


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247" 
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." 
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers" 


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206": 
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." 
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop." 


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." 
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." 


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: 
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" 
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." 
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in 
Germany Why must I speak English?" 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 
"Because you lost the bloody war!" 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. 

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) 
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on backorder. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what they're for. 

P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 

END


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## malh786 (27 June 2005)

The Top 10 ways you know your a hopeless procrastinator:

1.


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## RichKid (28 June 2005)

This is turning out to be one of my favourite threads on ASF,  must be my sense of humour!! Those last few posts were tops, I liked the Frankfurt jokes tech/a! 

Not sure if this link to a short movie counts as a joke, but if you are not laughing at the end of it you must work for Monsanto!!

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html 

http://www.themeatrix.com (a bit shorter and more serious)

Remember to turn up the volume!! A broadband connection is best.


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## Battman64 (29 June 2005)

"I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It
was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her, well
you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll
give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9


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## sam76 (29 June 2005)

one for the lads out there....

*23things that make you feel like much more of a man..... * 

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 

3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West?  A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle? 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. 

Noisy destruction = MAN. 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh." 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When sheilas have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it look like?" 

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 

11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms." 

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling. 

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 

18. TAKING OUT $600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike sheilas, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Kings Head it is then. Seven. See ya." 

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver. 

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, girl?"


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## tech/a (29 June 2005)

Bloody beeudifull mate!!

Dont forget putting out your fag with a pinch from fore finger to thumb.
Going to the footy by yourself.
Backing the trailer in one go.
Going to Bunnings --- because you can.
Hogging the remote.
Getting home very late from a boyz night out.Better still not getting home.
Having a Shane Warne pinup in your bedroom---what a guy!
You only order pints.---of anything!
You use words no one can understand--even you!


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## RichKid (29 June 2005)

sam76 said:
			
		

> one for the lads out there....




Have to hand it to you for that one Sam! bout time you got yourself a blokey avatar- maybe a pic of a pint or ute will do?  While we're on the topic, it's a shame they don't make the beer ads the way they used to.


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## bvbfan (30 June 2005)

sam76 said:
			
		

> 20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.




I do believe the F1's have a reverse gear, its not used much and can't be in the pit lane or track 
But I stand to be corrected


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## Hanrahan (30 June 2005)

There are 10 types of people:

Those who understand binary, and those who don't!


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## tech/a (1 July 2005)

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
 she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone
could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was to o much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your
behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!


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## sam76 (1 July 2005)

Q: How do so many traders make a small fortune on the market?

A: Start with a large one!


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## dutchie (3 July 2005)

Today's Stock Market Report 

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. 

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. 

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. 

Hiking equipment was trailing. 

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. 

Weights were up in heavy trading. 

Light switches were off. 

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. 

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. 

The market for raisins dried up. 

Coca Cola fizzled. 

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. 

Sun peaked at midday. 

Balloon prices were inflated. 

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. 

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market... 




and one of my favourites:

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


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## RichKid (13 July 2005)

Thought I'd share a blonde joke, more are sure to follow, let's just keep em clean. Enjoy!

*Ice Fishing*
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. 

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"


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## excalibur (14 July 2005)

Here is naughty one:

A man went to a tattoo shop and said to the dealer:
I`ll give you 1000 Dollars if you tattoo a 100 Dollar bill on my penus...
The dealer: Why in heavens name would you want something like that?
The man: Well for 3 reasons...
First; I love playing with my money.
Second; I love to see it grow.
Third; While I know that my wife blows out a hundred bucks every day, I thought she could try it out on me... :bananasmi


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## Hanrahan (14 July 2005)

We have an aptly named company in town: Down To Earth Demolitions.


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## haunting (14 July 2005)

Numa Numa by Gary Brolsma
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

Flash videos - requires broadband. There are quite a few funny ones if you want more: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com


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## wayneL (27 August 2005)

ROFL


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## phoenixrising (27 August 2005)

Once upon a time a great sporting team took all before it.
In recent times the media wrote that no one would ever get near them.
And then they travelled to a foreign land far away to defend their most treasured prize and.....................................................................


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## Joe Blow (31 August 2005)

This one made me giggle...


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## DTM (6 September 2005)

And now from the news in Iraq.

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic952.htm

Enjoy


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## canny (6 September 2005)

Subject: TRUE TRUE


A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... If you read this without laughing 
out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to 
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) 
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. 
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football 
team 25yrs ago,

I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called 
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, 
who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for 
athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club 
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the 
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek 
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo 
Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that 
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her 
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she 
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, 
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already 
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of 
coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back 
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My 
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. 
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the 
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I 
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't 
try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the 
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY 
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on 
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate 
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help 
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help 
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda 
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me 
on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic 
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move 
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to 
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents 
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs 
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. 
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the 
choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, 
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made 
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the 
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight 
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can 
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, 
my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root 
canal or a vasectomy.


----------



## krisbarry (7 September 2005)

BLONDE JOKE

A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to First Class and sits down. 

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and
she will have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this
blonde girl that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He walks back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney"


----------



## krisbarry (7 September 2005)

And on a different note...

Princess

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks. 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be just super".

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, b****."


----------



## keebab (19 September 2005)

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
here in our country.

There's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.  Our oil is located in the
Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A.

Our dipsticks are located in Canberra


----------



## Bronte (24 September 2005)

We have just lost the flag (WCE) and now this..... 

BILLY was at school this morning in the *outback* and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. 
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." 

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. 

"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."


----------



## canny (25 September 2005)

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes," and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."

They gained 10 pounds. Satan smiled.

Then God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-IslandDressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fries and steak so big it needed its own platter.

Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. Instead, Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. Man gained more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its $1.50 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied"Yes! And super size them!" Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Queensland Health System.

Thought for the day ..........

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a larger elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutelyno recollection of what to do with them............


----------



## Julia (25 September 2005)

canny said:
			
		

> In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
> 
> Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes," and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."
> 
> ...




Canny

Thanks for a good laugh - really funny.  Only tempered by the scary truth contained in the joke

Julia


----------



## brerwallabi (26 September 2005)

Considerate or what? 



It is important for men to remember that, as women 
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain 
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were 
younger.   
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some 
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an 
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the 
situation with my wife, Kerrie. When I took "early 
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Kerrie 
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and 
for the health benefits that we needed. 
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was 
beginning to show her age. 
I usually get home from the golf course about the 
same time she gets home from work. Although she 
knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she 
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts 
dinner.   
I don't yell at her.   
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake 
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally 
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the RSL club so 
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some 
home cooked grub when I hit that door... 
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished 
eating.   
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the 
table for several hours after dinner. 
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her 
several times each evening that they won't clean 
themselves. 
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem 
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to 
bed. 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.   
For example, she will say that it is difficult for 
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her 
lunch hour.   
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I 
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to 
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way 
she won't have to rush so much. 
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now 
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I 
mean). 
I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs 
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she 
was only half finished mowing the yard. 
I try not to make a scene.   
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, 
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and 
just sit for a while. 
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she 
may as well make one for me too. 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way 
I support Kerrie. 
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration 
is easy. Many men will find it difficult.   
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better 
than I do how frustrating women get as they get 
older.   
However, guys, even if you just use a little more 
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because 
of this article,   
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. 
After all, we are put on this earth to help each 
other... 
Signed, 
Ron 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday July 26. 
He was found with an extra long 50-inch Big Bertha 
Screw Driver II rammed up his backside, with only 2 
inches of grip showing... 
His wife Kerrie was arrested, but the all-woman Jury 
accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down 
on it very suddenly.


----------



## chansw (26 September 2005)

This is a joke that I heard from my colleague.

It was about the boss of W$cro5oft, Bill $ates. The story is started when Bill $ates died, he went to the heaven. He was living in a very very very small house. Guess what, he was not happy. One day, he saw another guy in the heaven living in a big castle. He went to see God and asked "Why that guy can live in a big castle and I only live in such a small place?". God said to him "Go to ask that man what he did before".

Bill $ates went to that castle and ask that man "Could you tell me what you did before, sir?". That guy said "I was the captain of 'Titanic'". Bill $ates went to see God again and said "He is only the captain of 'Titanic'. I was the boss of a company which made the world's most popular software". Then, God said to Bill $ates "At least, 'Titanic' only crashed once"


----------



## brerwallabi (30 September 2005)

Seeing its Grand Final Time in the real game, thought I would recall this gem.

"A True Aussie Bloke" 
A man had great tickets for the Grand Final.(NRL of course) 
As  he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is 
sitting in the seat next to him. 
No", he says. "The seat is  empty". 
“That is incredible!"  said the man. "Who in their right mind 
Would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest 
sporting event, and not use it?" 
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs  to me. My wife was 
supposed to come with me, but she  passed away. This is the 
first Grand Final we haven't  been to together since we got 
married." 
“Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's  terrible. But couldn't 
you find someone else, a friend  or relative, or even a 
neighbour to take the  seat?" 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."


----------



## RichKid (18 November 2005)

Brer, that's a top joke, your last one!! Hard to beat.

Heard this about the Wallabies coach Eddie Jones recently after his recent misadventures:

------
Q: What's the difference between Eddie Jones and an arsonist?

A: An arsonist wouldn't lose his last seven matches.
------


btw, that was 'six matches' when I first heard it, let's hope it doesn't get much worse!


----------



## dutchie (18 November 2005)

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". 

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


----------



## sam76 (18 November 2005)

apologies before the gag here. 

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.  The bartender replies "sorry, we don't serve food in here"

boom boom!


----------



## GreatPig (9 December 2005)

I don't know how this will read, but it was funny when I heard it said 

A man is at a party and meets a pair of Siamese twins, joined at the hip. The two young women are absolutely gorgeous, and after spending some time talking to them, takes them back to his flat for the night.

He spends a long time making passionate love to the first twin, while the second recites erotic poetry accompanying herself on his old ukulele. Later he rolls over and starts making love to the second twin. The first twin sees his trombone beside the bed and starts playing Dixieland jazz on it while the man is occupied with the other twin.

Eventually the night comes to an end and the twins leave.

A year later, the same Siamese twins are walking down a street and recognise it as the street where the man had his flat. The first twin says to the second:

"Hey, there's Jack's place. Do you think we should go in and say hello?"

The second twin replies:

"Oh... I don't know, it could be a bit awkward. Do you think he'll remember us?"


----------



## RichKid (31 January 2006)

Heard about this recently, it was traced out by finger on a dusty beam at a construction site, no doubt by one of the workmen:

"I wish my girl was this dirty"

apologies to anyone who's offended, a clever little line.


----------



## wayneL (9 February 2006)

*Aussie Funny Forums*

Things I have notice while watching movies........

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit  level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. 

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 



4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. 

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this. 

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. 

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 

15. All single women have a cat. 

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. 

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. 

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. 

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. 

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. 

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. 

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. 

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. 

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


----------



## wayneL (9 February 2006)

*Re: Aussie Funny Forums*

The following is an update on international military readiness and posturing again terroristic threats:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in World War II when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly' and Excitedlyto 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The German also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is the headquarters of NATO pulling out of Brussels.


----------



## wayneL (9 February 2006)

*Re: Aussie Funny Forums*

:headshake



> How do these people survive?
> 
> ONE     Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied.  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"  "That's right."  So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
> 
> ...


----------



## Nick Radge (9 February 2006)

*Re: Aussie Funny Forums*

Quiet day mate?


----------



## sam76 (9 February 2006)

Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended. 

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS​

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his e*&^8n.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

33.	When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

34.	Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

35.	Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.  We know this beverage as Red Bull.

36.	Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

37.	Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

38.	Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

39.	To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

40.	The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

41.	Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

42.	Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.

43.	When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

44.	Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

45.	A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

46.	Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

47.	Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

48.	Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

49.	Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

50.	Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

51.	Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

52.	The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

53.	Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the &%$& out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

54.	Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the *^&%^ out of little kids.

55.	Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

56.	One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

57.	edited

58.	Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

59.	After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

60.	If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

61.	Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.


----------



## dutchie (9 February 2006)

I got a chuckl(le) out of that, especially No. 30 & 44.


----------



## wayneL (9 February 2006)

*Re: Aussie Funny Forums*



			
				Nick Radge said:
			
		

> Quiet day mate?




Are they THAT bad?  :


----------



## wayneL (9 February 2006)

Anyone who grew up or has lived in LA etc would appreciate this one:

Math 1950-2005

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.  The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.  She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.  I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.  While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.  Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:


1.         Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?


2.         Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?


3.         Teaching Math In 1970
His cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?


4.         Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. &n       Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?  (There are no wrong answers.) 


6.         Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.  El costo de la producciones es $80.


----------



## sam76 (10 March 2006)

ONE LINERS !
 1)  I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
 Thyroid problem?'


 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
 realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
 him to forgive me.


 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
 swimming.


 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
 on with my real ladder.


 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
 ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
 Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
 But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break
 my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
 was sticks and stones all the way.


 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
 why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.


 9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
 a good hand.


 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
 said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'


 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
 meat?


 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
 give the wrong answers.


 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.


 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
 things they don't understand, such as working for a living.


 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
 I've forgotten this before


  UNIVERSAL TRUTHS


 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when Your
 pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
 fire in your back garden.
 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
 the first given opportunity.
 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
 through and then raced against the flush.
 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
 their arm broken by a swan.
 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
 wood specifically to stir paint with.
 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
 in a fruit salad.


 SOME GREAT QUESTIONS 


 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
 undressed?
 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
 core of the earth?
 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
 stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
 centuries' have a 'use by' date?
 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible
 crisp no one would eat?
 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
 squeeze these dangly things here and drink         whatever comes out'?
 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
 point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
 vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
 stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
 paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
 Kind regards,


----------



## Julia (10 March 2006)

Sam

Thanks a lot - that was really funny, especially the Universal Truths and the Great Questions which  truly are just that.  It's good to laugh at some of the silliness that's a part of most of us.

Julia


----------



## brerwallabi (10 March 2006)

Something for a Friday afternoon. THE CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this story without tears rolling down your cheeks then there is no hope for you!
Please read this slowly if you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have visited Texas you may have come across Chili cook-offs, when the Rodeo comes to town the cook off takes up a major portion of the Astrodome carpark. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas from Australia.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge in a chili cook-off. A judge had called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer tent when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili  would not be all that spicy and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”
Here are the scorecards from the chilli  cook-off event.

Chili 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge 3 – (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 – Exciting barbeque flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 –(Frank) Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 – A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 – (Frank) Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I am getting pissed from all the beer.

Chili 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge 1””Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2””Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? The barmaid  was standing behind me with fresh refills, the 300lb bitch was starting to look HOT . . .  just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili n aphrodisiac?

Chili 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayonne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2””Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her chili gave me brain damage. The barmaid saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really psses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1””Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2””The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3””(Frank) I chit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclines to stand behind me only that kinky barmaid. Can’t feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my arse with a snowcone.

Chili 7 Susan’s screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1”” A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I would not feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, thye will know what killed me. I‘ve decided to stop breathing it’s too  painful.Screw it I am not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili 8 Tommy’s Toe Nail Curling Chili
Judge 1 –The perfect ending, this is a nice  blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?


----------



## RichKid (18 April 2006)

Try this for some great photos and captions, for those into heavy rigs and  mining toys: http://www.minebox.com/pic.asp


----------



## Strw23 (18 April 2006)

A Bear and a Rabbit were both having a **** in the forest. The Bear turned to the Rabbit

"Do you have problems with **** sticking to you fur?"

"No" said the Rabbit

So the Bear wiped his **** with the Rabbit


----------



## twojacks28 (21 April 2006)

loved it sam!!!!! lol nice and simple however effective


----------



## professor_frink (1 May 2006)

Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Q: what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell

Q:What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bbq?
Aatty

Q:What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
A: Dusty 

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
A:Skip

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
A:Matt

Q:What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
A:Jack

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
A: Doug

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
A: Douglas

Q:What do you call a cat with no legs?
A: Dogfood

Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
A:Bud


----------



## RichKid (1 May 2006)

Nice on frinko,


> Pilot Joke
> 
> A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles, looking for a landmark. After an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very  nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
> 
> ...




Now isn't that the truth?? Reminds me of Comsec support (although the tech dvlpt team are a bit better).


----------



## RichKid (1 May 2006)

sam76 said:
			
		

> Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended.
> 
> CHUCK NORRIS FACTS​..........




Sam (aka "banned"), 
that has got to be one of the funniest things I've read, I didn't know ol' Chuck was the subject of such wrath, did they mention the size of his belt buckle in there?  Loved the one liners too, bet you keep your mates in stitches for hours, just this thread alone makes ASF worthwhile imo....You're giving Fleeta and baglimit a run for their money as 'resident comedian' on ASF!!


----------



## RichKid (1 May 2006)

wayneL said:
			
		

> .............
> 5. &n       Teaching Math In 1990
> 
> A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?  (There are no wrong answers.)
> ......




Yes, very typical to try and teach science via politics (or vice versa?), you end up not learning anything properly- a public policy? Maybe we should have a similar joke for the evolution of English too...


----------



## GreatPig (1 May 2006)

professor_frink said:
			
		

> Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...



...hanging on a wall?
A: Art

And in a slightly different vein:

Q: What do you call a man with ten rabbits up his bum?
A: Warren

GP


----------



## RichKid (1 May 2006)

sam76 said:
			
		

> ----
> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
> core of the earth?--------




emmm, generally it's: _Cujus Est Solum Ejus Est Usque Ad Coelum Et Ad Inferos
_ "To whomsoever the soil belongs, he owns also to the sky and to the depths",  but there are many exceptions nowadays (mineral rights, air space, space). I'll leave it to Wayne to explain the exact latin.... Sorry to make this a serious post!!


----------



## professor_frink (1 May 2006)

And one more for GP!

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
A: Kurt n' Rod

And finally, my sister's fav(and possibly the worst joke of all time!)
Q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: a carrot.
So bad it's good


----------



## yogi-in-oz (2 May 2006)

..... stolen from another trading forum ..... 

-----

Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the next day he 
drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Kenny replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Kenny said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Kenny said , 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Kenny said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Kenny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?'

Kenny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

-----

happy days

  yogi


----------



## keebab (17 May 2006)

*For the Bond fans*

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. 
He gives the woman a quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch. 
The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies. "Q's just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was 
testing it out."

Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond coolly explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically."
The lady says, "So what's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers…" says Bond.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing 
knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


----------



## x2rider (17 May 2006)

Here's one for yah

FEMALE PRAYER 
Before I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man, who's not a creep, 
One who's handsome, smart and strong, 
One who loves to listen long, 
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed, 
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, 
Massages my back and begs to do more. 
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, 
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" 
I pray that this man will love me no end, 
And never attempt to hit on my friend. 
And as I pray beside my bed, 
I look at the clown you sent me instead. 
Amen. 

MALE PRAYER 
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs 
who owns a liquor store. Amen. 


Chers martin


----------



## x2rider (17 May 2006)

Just one more please 

We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. 
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping
 Cheers martin


----------



## dutchie (17 May 2006)

Classic stuff


----------



## sam76 (17 May 2006)

x2rider said:
			
		

> Just one more please
> 
> We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
> Now here are the rules from the male side.
> ...




This should be a part of every man's wedding vows..


----------



## sam76 (17 May 2006)

along the same lines...   

If the World was fair to Guys...​
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers
for the sex' would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-**** answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop: 'Do you know how
fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all
over the place.' Cop: 'Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per
year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball
goes out of play.

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to 'I love you.'

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public
ugliness ordinance.

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it
would work every time.

21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone driving under that
would be fined.

22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would
be settled by a fight to the death.

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to
the opposite sex.

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two
Swedish milk maids.

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get
to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Does
my bum look big in this?"


----------



## x2rider (17 May 2006)

I hate to say it , but I am single at the moment  and I don't know why  :horse: 
 Cheers martin


----------



## Julia (17 May 2006)

Well, guys, as a woman I could pretend outrage and rant feminist stuff all over the page.

Instead, I'll say a big thanks for a good laugh and the grudging acknowledgment that you've all just done a pretty accurate job of describing our many foibles.  

Ah, but would yah hate to be without us then?

Cheers
Julia


----------



## RichKid (18 May 2006)

x2rider said:
			
		

> I hate to say it , but I am single at the moment  and I don't know why  :horse:
> Cheers martin



Cheer up mate, help is at hand, ASF is a one stop shop providing all your trading and relationship solutions, under Joe's inspired leadership we have created a proprietary advice service with priceless tips dished out freely by our resident experts, you'll be Bachelor of the Year in no time... (NB as this is a free service we cannot make any guarantees) https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2031


----------



## x2rider (18 May 2006)

Thanks for the help Richkid 


 O and by the  way applications are now being taken and all offers considered for the position of live-in Girlfriend . All stock portfolios are to be presented at time of application and will be all considered for there diversification and weigthing  


But here is something that might balance the tables a bit. Could be worth a small position,  WO , Womanium

 TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. 

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
 Cheers Martin


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## StockyBailx (21 May 2006)

*I see there really is a Joke thread?

W*hy are laywers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has got one then the otherside must have one. Once launched they can't be recalled. When they land they screw up everything forever.

:jump::jump: Stocky.....


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## emma (6 June 2006)

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision 
to get married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and 
on the way they pass a Chemist. 

Jacob suggests they go in. 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers "Yes". 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 
Pharmacist: "All kinds." 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" 
Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jacob: "How about Viagra?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course." 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!" 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for 
Parkinson's Disease?" 
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" 
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there 
something I can help you with?" 

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as 
our Bridal Gift Registry."


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## Julia (9 June 2006)

Buzzing knickers make shopper faint!

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.
The kinky 33 year old housewife was wearing a pair of battery operated Passion Pants bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid, The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales. Her black imitation leather knickers were still buzzing when paramedics arrived.
They took them off her before an ambulance transported her to hospital. The woman, whose identity has been kept private, sufferd no long lasting ill effects.
As she left hospital, her Passion Pants were given back to her in a plastic bag by a paramedic.
A spokesman for the supermarket chain told The Sun...."We like to think that shopping with us is exciting enough already"!

Apparently this actually happened.

Julia


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## Happy (9 June 2006)

If this is no ‘Bull’, this is best proof that size doesn’t matter.


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## emma (11 June 2006)

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, by stopping, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof””and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## Plan B (11 June 2006)

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a
huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers,
"You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a
carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .........So does she.

--------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS -

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
" No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so
he'll be looking for me now.!!!!!!!!


-------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him At 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where
he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------

The Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money
from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found
an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple
of million pounds or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies,



*


*


*


"My second wish was for a tall bird with a big xxxx and long legs who agrees
with everything I say."


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## professor_frink (12 June 2006)

Bedroom Golfing etiquette


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.


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## pacer (28 June 2006)

How about this one
.....

Nuenco is a well managed company and Anthony Cain is a saint...........


----------



## noirua (20 July 2006)

I noticed the following sign at a local bar, " Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of customers as they leave."


----------



## nelly (20 July 2006)

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass"
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Three woman are having lunch discussing their husbands. The first says her husband is cheating on her because she found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and that they weren't hers.
The second says that her husband is cheating on her because she found a packet of condoms in his wallet, so she poked them full of holes with a sewing needle.
The third woman fainted.

Did you hear about the bloke who walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only cling film pants?
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mum on top of his Dad bouncing up and down.
The Mum see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son see's his Mum and asks "What were you and Daddy doing?"
The Mum says "Well you know your Dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time." says the boy
"Why is that?" asks the Mum, puzzled
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there the husband tells the wife. "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resisit, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him staisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too........"

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. They decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving into men.
All the men started clapping...............

If you want a commited man......look in a mental institute.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. Ispend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I watch T.V. I think about women. When I shower I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks, he condescendingly asks, "So? How do you like second hand merchandise?"
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"

Cheers


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## nelly (20 July 2006)

To my Dear Wife..
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, at your age,with a 54 yr old body can no longer supply, I am happy with you and value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr old secretatry at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

My Dear Husband
I received your fax and thank you for being honest. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 yrs old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18, therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow!!!
Love
Your Wife

Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message.....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside!"
"Hows that?"
"Don't you start!"

Cheers :bier:


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## dutchie (11 August 2006)

Friday joke of the day.

To help kick start your weekend.




*Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin* 

     A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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## Julia (18 August 2006)

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture. 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty 

Julia


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## Bronte (22 August 2006)

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant? 

Angus McCoatup


----------



## GreatPig (22 August 2006)

What do you call a Scotsman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shay


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## dutchie (26 August 2006)

Fridays joke on Saturday morning.

havagoodweekend!

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes. 
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. 

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. 

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. 

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''


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## x2rider (26 August 2006)

Here's one to stir the pot 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." 

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. 

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

cheers Martin


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## x2rider (26 August 2006)

LOL

when a tourist coach passed through a small country town in Australia 
one of the passengers 
noticed a sheep tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street. 
"Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre"


Cheers Martin


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## rub92me (4 September 2006)

Old long joke, but still quite funny..

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream  channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.	A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. 

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.  My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS


----------



## bunyip (7 September 2006)

Subject: Fw: "Air travel .... an executive proposal !"
Airline travel...
In an effort to bolster the American airline industry's decreasing 
patronage and reduced corporate profits, the following strategy plan 
has been proposed:
 Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers! 
What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They 
don't even serve food anymore, so what's the big loss?
 The strippers would cause double, triple, perhaps quadruple the 
in-flight alcohol consumption and create a "party atmosphere" in the 
 cabin while airborne.
And, of  course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would 
 soon start to fly again, hoping to see wild and naked women parading 
 lively about the cabin.
  Muslims, as a result, would become afraid to get on the planes for fear 
of seeing naked women.
 Hijackings and the threat of such would come to a
screeching halt, with the entire travel and airline industry
again seeing record revenues.
"Why the hell didn't President Bush think of this?"
Why do I still have to do everything myself?"

Respectfully submitted,
Bill Clinton


----------



## bunyip (7 September 2006)

Four men meet early each Sunday morning to play golf. One of them gets a job transfer to a new city. Next Sunday his three mates are going around the course and discussing who they can get to replace their mate.
A woman golfer overhears them and asks if she can join their group. They're a bit dubious about having a woman in their group but they agree to let her play with them next Sunday to see if they get along with her.
She says 'Great, I'll be here at 7AM  next Sunday.
Next Sunday she plays with the men and they get along famously with her. Not only that, but they find she's an excellent player. She plays left handed and breaks the course record.
Naturally they invite to play with them again next Sunday morning.
Again she says 'Great, I'll see you at 7AM next Sunday.
Next Sunday she again proves to be great company, and she plays another sizzling round of golf. This time she plays right handed instead of left handed, and breaks the course record again.
So she becomes a regular in this group of three men. Sometimes she plays left handed, sometimes right handed, and always plays well.
One day one of the men asks her how she decides whether to play left handed or right handed.
"Well", she says, "it's like this. My husband always sleeps in the nude. Every Sunday morning just before I head for the golf course, I pull back the bed covers and look at his member. If it's pointing to the left I play left handed. If it's pointing to the right I play right handed".
One of the men asks her "How about if it's pointing straight up in the air"?
The woman smiles and says "In that case I'll be here at 7.30 instead of 7AM."


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## noirua (29 September 2006)

The jogger shock:  http://video.aol.co.uk/video-funny/1716060


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## blueroo (29 September 2006)

Queenslander...

A Queenslander is drinking in a New South Wales Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "Isnt that normal in NSW?? That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says........

"Had him circumcised!"


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## Julia (29 September 2006)

Thanks, Blueroo, still laughing.

Julia


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## mswiggs (29 September 2006)

http://grouper.com/video/MediaDetails.aspx?id=497932&ml=o=7&fk=gay+bar&fx=&


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## nioka (29 September 2006)

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dog fight. They would give each other 5 years to breed the worlds best fighting dog and who evers dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the worlds meanest dobermans and mated them to the meanest of wolves.When the day of the big fight arrived Uncle Sam showed up with the strangest looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up the Dachshund came out of it's cage and waddled towards Osama's dog who snarled, leaped out of it's cage and charged the american dog - but when it got close the dachshund opened it's mouth and swallowed Osama's dog whole.Osams said "WE don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years breeding the meanest dogs to the meanest wolves." Uncle Sam said "That's nothing,we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog".


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## macca (13 October 2006)

Earl was 95 and lived in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner
Earl would go to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder
his accomplishments through his long life. One evening Mildred, 87,
wandered into the garden.
They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed.
After a short lull in conversation, Earl turned to Mildred and asked,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
"What?"
Earl replied, "Having sex."
Mildred exclaimed, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know, but it would be nice just to have a woman hold it."
"Well, I can oblige you that," said Mildred as she gently unzipped his
trousers, removed his manhood, and sat there and held it.
They continued to secretly meet each h night ! in the garden, where
they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Earl's member in her
hand. Then one night Earl didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred looked for Earl to make sure he was OK. She walked
around the home, and finally found him sitting by the swimming pool
with another resident, Ethyl, who was holding Earl's manhood.
Furious, Mildred shouted, "You two-timing old creep... what does Ethel
have that I don't?!"
Earl smiled and replied, "Parkinson's.


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## 2020hindsight (18 October 2006)

Then there was the one about the inmate of the asylum who escaped through a window in the laundry - on the way through, he had his way with a couple of the women who worked there.   Next day the newspaper headlines read "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"


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## nioka (18 October 2006)

Two men in the post-op ward at a country hospital. One asked the other what he had done as he seemed to be in a lot of pain. His ward mate said "castration". "Gee", said the other, " no wonder you are in pain, I feel sore enough and I was only circumsized"

 "Bloody hell" said the first " that was the word I meant to use."


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## 2020hindsight (18 October 2006)

2020hindsight said:
			
		

> Then there was the one about the inmate of the asylum who escaped through a window in the laundry - on the way through, he had his way with a couple of the women who worked there.   Next day the newspaper headlines read "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"



Then there was the OTHER one about the dwarf clairvoyant who escaped from jail - Next day the newspaper headlines read       
 "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE !!"  (ok ok ok - its not that funny - BUT at least it's clean !!! )


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## 2020hindsight (18 October 2006)

Lol, my friend relates this story :-  A lady walks up to him- never seen her before - a complete stranger - and asks him "what's better than a rose on your piano?"  .. "tulips on your organ"  ...and just as quickly disappears.  - Like two ships passing in the night lol.


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## bunyip (29 October 2006)

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but never listening to them.


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## 2020hindsight (5 November 2006)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? "The  greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 
PS - Makes you think what it would be like to be blind doesnt it


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## Bronte (6 November 2006)

Went to buy some camouflage trousers on the weekend.....
Couldn't find any


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## insider (6 November 2006)

Here is a kazhaki joke i'll translate it for you..."There was a chair and it had legs... and it was walking down the street"...   The funny part was lost in translation


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## rusq (6 November 2006)

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.  When I feel like this, I go to my wife and I tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say boss and I feel great. I be at work soon........., you got nice house."


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## 123enen (6 November 2006)

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. 

The demon asked, "Why so glum?" 

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" 

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" 

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." 

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, rum, vodka and cola. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" 

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." 

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. 

"You better believe it!" 

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" 

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" 

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." 

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." 

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" 

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." 

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" 

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" 

The demon said, "You gay?" 

"No." 

"Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"


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## 2020hindsight (8 November 2006)

Ok children, (said Miss Peach to her kindergarten class), I'd like you to say a word, and then  ... I'd like you to make up a SENTENCE with that word - beaming smile...

"Miss Miss" said shirley ..."yes - shirley - what's your word ? more smiles!.  "NICE, miss".  And what's your sentence, shirley ? " I think you're NICE miss!!" - smile index just goes off the radar!!!

well, who's next? yes - wendy?" "BEAUTIFUL miss".   "I think you're BEAUTIFUL miss"  " well THank you wendy "

anyone else ? - yes tommy?
"URINATE miss".  - mild panic in Miss Peache's breast!!   y-y-yes Tommmy , and what's your sentence then ??"

"my dad says that URINATE miss, but , if you had bigger ti*s, you'd be a 10 !!"


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## 2020hindsight (8 November 2006)

George Bush visits Burke school whilst touring Western NSW..
"OK children" says the teacher - "aren't we lucky to have President Bush here with us today  well, are there any little questions you'd like to ASK  President Bush?"

pregnant pause,  Smithy's hand shoots up.

"Yes Smithy?" 

"Mr Bush" says young Smithy, "I've got 3 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad ?" - 

Dubya looks uneasy, but fortunately the bell rings for recess. "ok says the teacher - recess!" 

Returning after 20 mins, the teacher again invites questions.  "Yes Thommo?"

"Mr Bush" says young Thommo, "I've got 5 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad  - ........4. why did the recess bell ring 5 minutes early,  and 5. ........what's happened to  Smithy??"

Oldie  but those with dementia probably forgotten that they've heard it 18000 times.


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## 2020hindsight (25 November 2006)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiK0djXFHeY =teddy kennedy tells his favourite irish joke


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## trading_rookie (28 November 2006)

Got this one emailed to me today, I like it! 

Harold,  the Computer Guy

            I  was having trouble with my computer.
            So  I called Harold, the computer guy, to come  over.
            Harold  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the  problem.
            He  gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

            As  he was walking away, I called after him,
            "So,  what was wrong?"
            He  replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
            I  didn't want to appear stupid, but
            nonetheless  inquired, "An ID ten T  error?
            What's  that, in case I need to fix it again?"

            Harold  grinned...."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error  before?"

            "No,"  I replied.

            "Write  it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it 
out."
            So I wrote  down. I D 1 0 T




            I  used to like Harold


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## x2rider (28 November 2006)

hi Folks

 On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.     Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"     For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.     Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.     He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.     No one moves.     The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.     He removes his shirt.     Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
 Cheers Martin


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## tybutler (29 November 2006)

Thanks rider [Martin]....that made me laugh. Nothing like a good laugh to fall asleep to....



			
				x2rider said:
			
		

> hi Folks
> 
> On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.     Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"     For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.     Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.     He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.     No one moves.     The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.     He removes his shirt.     Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
> Cheers Martin


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## tybutler (29 November 2006)

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: We better get some support up in here or people are going to think we're nuts...


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## 2020hindsight (1 December 2006)

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage48_3.html 
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage57_3.html
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage66_4.html - some ideas for xmas lights on the house
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage6_5.html  and YET MORE IDEAS lol - well it saves on the energy bill 

PS - just go there and click "random videos" above the picture - some good ones (and some lousy ones as well.)


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## 2020hindsight (10 December 2006)

1.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ_8eL00oYI polish guys fighting (ladies please note, noone was actually hurt ok!!)

2. This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came 
out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight 
pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight." 

Note - version for polish people ...
This Australian guy ordered a pizza with everything  ...


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## x2rider (14 December 2006)

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope ”” talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign - until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, lookedback at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."


 Cheers Martin


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## Sultan of Swing (14 December 2006)

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing ... DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


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## Sultan of Swing (14 December 2006)

Here is one for all us Consultants out there.


A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know jack about my business.

" Now give me back my dog."


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## insider (14 December 2006)

The secret to being funnier is keeping a straight face... never laugh at your own jokes period...


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## noirua (17 December 2006)

I usually tell other peoples jokes, so, I'm allowed to laugh as I tell them then, cheers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyscq8azYWM


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## x2rider (20 December 2006)

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does, " answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."'

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see." replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

 Cheers martin :santa:


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## x2rider (20 December 2006)

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

 O no !!!!!!


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## Sultan of Swing (20 December 2006)

A friend of mine asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas?

After a  little thought she said, 'I'd like something that goes from 0 - 100 in 2.5 seconds flat!'

My friend bought her a set of bathroom scales.


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## Bronte (22 December 2006)

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" 
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" 
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" 
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the  eye." 
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 
First, you have a dirty mind. 
Second, you didn't read your homework. 
And third, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!!!"


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## Julia (22 December 2006)

That's very cute, Bronte.  I've sent it on to a few of my female friends who will appreciate it.

Julia


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## tech/a (19 January 2007)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment  on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!
*(Stay with me.)*


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim! 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

*NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..*

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to *24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.*

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!


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## spitrader1 (19 January 2007)

A man and his three friends were moseying along somewhere in the American midwest when one of them says

"Hey, that looks like a bacon tree over there"

They talked about it and decided it was.

The first one said "Well, I really fancy a bacon sandwich, so I'm going over there, I'll see you shortly" and off he goes on his horse.

A couple of hours pass and the two remaining friends are getting worried, because that tree wasn't very far away, when their friend comes staggering back into sight, his hat full of arrows.

"What happened!!!" they cried.

"It wasn't a bacon tree after all", he said "It was a hambush"


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## nomore4s (19 January 2007)

This story appeared in the local paper in here in Darwin.

A 18yo female with the help of her Father purchased her first car from a sencond hand dealer for around $5000.00, later that day she went to a fast food drive thru, but couldn't get the window to wind down. So the next day she took the car back to the dealer and complained that the windows didn't wind down, the dealer gets in the car and winds the window down with the MANUAL window winder.

Don't know if she was blond or not.


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## nomore4s (19 January 2007)

Q: What's pink and fluffy?




A: Pink fluff

Pretty poor I know, but it's late


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## x2rider (24 January 2007)

A kiwi arrives at the passport control at sydney airport hoping to immigrate to        Australia .
  The Passport officer says " Whats you business in Oz ? "
  "I wish to immigrate"  says the Kiwi 
  The customs officer then says  " Do have have any criminal convictions "
 The Kiwi replies  " I didn't think you still needed them 


 Cheers martin


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## x2rider (24 January 2007)

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is
bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."


----------



## x2rider (24 January 2007)

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


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## constable (24 January 2007)

nomore4s said:
			
		

> Q: What's pink and fluffy?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



nearly as sad as....
Q: What's brown and sticky?


A:A brown stick! hahahahahaha


----------



## Bronte (24 January 2007)

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is !!!!


----------



## Bronte (26 January 2007)

An  85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a  sperm count as part of his  physical examination. 
The doctor  gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,  which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 
The doctor  asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I  tried with my right hand, but nothing. 
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 
Then I asked  my wife for help. 
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still  nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
We even  called up Mable, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,  then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still  nothing. 
The doctor  was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?" 
The old man  replied, "Yep. None of us could get the damned jar open."


----------



## insider (26 January 2007)

constable said:
			
		

> nearly as sad as....
> Q: What's brown and sticky?
> 
> 
> A:A brown stick! hahahahahaha



That's funny!!!


----------



## PureCoco (26 January 2007)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


----------



## 2020hindsight (26 January 2007)

or maybe "whats brown sticky and sits on a piano stool?"

Beethoven's last movement.


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## 2020hindsight (26 January 2007)

x2rider said:
			
		

> Two drovers standing in a bar. .." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."



like the bushie who thought that "alternate route" meant the sister in law.


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## Bronte (27 January 2007)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


----------



## wayneL (27 January 2007)

Tony bLIAR launches his pop career:

http://www.whydidigowrong.co.uk/?p=489


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## wayneL (27 January 2007)

The 'Four Yorkshiremen' sketch by the Monty Python team...an oldie but a goodie  

**************************

Yorkshireman I (Eric Idle): Very passable, this, eh? Very passable.

All: Ay, oh ay.

Yorkshireman II (Graham Chapman): Nothing like a good glass of Chbteau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah?

Yorkshireman III (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.

Yorkshireman II: Ay.

Yorkshireman I: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chbteau de Chaselet, eh?

All: Ay, ay.

Yorkshireman IV (Michael Palin): Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

Yorkshireman II: Ay! A cup of cold tea!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: Without milk or sugar!

Yorkshireman III: Or tea!

Yorkshireman IV: In a cracked cup and all.

Yorkshireman I: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!

Yorkshireman II: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Yorkshireman III: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

Yorkshireman IV: Because we were poor!

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"

Yorkshireman I: He was right!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof.

Yorkshireman II: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh!

Yorkshireman I: Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!

Yorkshireman II: We were EVICTED from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a lake! There were 15 of us living in a cardboard box in the middle of the road!

Yorkshireman IV: A cardboard box?

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: You were LUCKY! We lived for three months in a newspaper-lined septic tank! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Yorkshireman II: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at mill, for twopence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle... IF we were lucky!

Yorkshireman III: Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the cardboard box in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!

Yorkshireman I: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay mill-owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!

All: No, no they won't!


----------



## noirua (28 January 2007)

Hi wayneL, I'm not sure that's how a Yorkshireman speaks. Cricketer, Fred Trueman was, and Geoff Boycott is, a Yorkshireman. Very funny anyway. 

A bit of Yorkshire: 'Ear all, see all, say nowt, Eat all, sup all, pay nowt,
And if ever tha' does owt fo'nowt, Allus do it fo' thi sen. Weeya'st tha bin, Gee us some spice, Oss thi sen, Gee o'er, Fancy leckin footy? Tha gret 'apeth! ! A seh, will tha gee o'er wazzin' cobs? 

This one is called "Funny", so I suppose it must be:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bPMwAHdJCg&mode=related&search=


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## 2020hindsight (28 January 2007)

some ads - some funnier than others
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvTU0rlhBVw&mode=related&search= commercials
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S9eOhUFuPo&NR beer suntan oil
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ5SWx2Wuro&NR beer pale ale
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1t1GBYM4Zws&NR waking up


----------



## x2rider (29 January 2007)

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

 Cheers Martin


----------



## constable (1 February 2007)

Every morning at 6am, a jewish milkbar owner in Caulfield would swing open his doors, put out his sign and pick up his newspapers. He had been doing this for years open and shut ,open and shut, day in day out.. One morning he felt so disheartened with his lot in life he raised is arms at the sky and yelled out "Lord please let me win tattslotto so i can get away from all this". Of course nothing happened but every morning he kept raising his arms at the sky shouting the same request.
This went on for several months until finally one morning the clouds parted and huge voice boomed down at the little man "SON CAN YOU HELP US OUT BY BUYING A TICKET".


----------



## tech/a (6 February 2007)

*Two mates in a bar:-* 

Mate 1 " Seems its over I've decided to leave my wife."

Mate 2 "Why?"

Mate 1 "She hasnt spoken to me in 6 mths!!"

Mate 2 "Hell mate I'de seriously re consider ---wives like that are hard to come by!!"


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## Bronte (10 February 2007)

*Breeding Bulls*

 A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,

said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow?"

NOTE: _The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery just in time for the
divorce proceedings ._


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## BIG BWACULL (10 February 2007)

husband goes to doctor: "doctor doctor my wifes trying to poison me"
                                  doctor: ''Hang on let me have a word to her and try                                    
                                              sort this out"
                Doctor to husband  : "Look i have been chatting with your wife for                     
                                            the last three hours I suggest you take the          
                                            poison"


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## x2rider (12 February 2007)

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.


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## BIG BWACULL (12 February 2007)

x2rider said:
			
		

> Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
> 
> A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.




I can carry 3 dozen donuts


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## BIG BWACULL (12 February 2007)

A horse walks into a PUB and the bar tender says 
"why the long face"


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## BIG BWACULL (12 February 2007)

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.


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## BIG BWACULL (12 February 2007)

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! 

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! 
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know... and thats not my finger!!


----------



## insider (12 February 2007)

Schapelle Corby... LMFAO


----------



## pacer (13 February 2007)

*Dont read this one if you are easily offended....



Why don't vampires have steady girlfriends.....?
They can only get it once a month.....
*


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## justjohn (14 February 2007)

A grasshopper entered a bar to order a drink 
The barman said to the insect "we have a drink named after you"
The grasshopper replied "what Gary''


----------



## Bronte (15 February 2007)

*Subject:  How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast*

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the
bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - I Love you!!"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."
"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...
....'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".


Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!!!!


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## Bronte (15 February 2007)

*The Husband Store*

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.


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## constable (15 February 2007)

Bronte said:
			
		

> *Subject:  How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast*
> 
> Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
> on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
> ...



brilliant!!! i must try this!


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## constable (15 February 2007)

Talking about valentines day and relationships, here's some absolute pearlers from an actual washington post competition asking for a 2 line rhyme with the most romantic first line , but the least romantic second line. 
Well here they, be warned dont attempt this at home!!   

- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, 
   Marrying you screwed up my life.

- I see your face when I am dreaming,
  That's why i always wake up screaming.

- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
  This describes everything that you are not.

- Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
  But i only slept with you because i was pissed!

- I thought that i could love no other.
  that is until I met your brother.

- Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
  and so are you.  But the roses are wilting, the violets are
  dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

- I want to feel your sweet embrace;
  But don't dare take that paper bag off your face.

- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

- My love, your take my breath away.
  What have you stepped in to smell this way?

- My feelings for you no words can tell,
  Except for maybe "Go to hell."

- And last but not least

- What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (16 February 2007)

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "That doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his A hole?"
And the zoo keeper says, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth!"


----------



## misterS (16 February 2007)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
- Sold his soul to Santa


----------



## drmb (16 February 2007)

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For  example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of paracetamol, Tenormin is Atenalol, etc. The  Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful  consideration by a team of government experts huddled out at Symonston (that's a Canberra sheep paddock), it recently announced that it  has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were  Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Thought  for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


----------



## Royce (16 February 2007)

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. 

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."



Royce


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## Bronte (21 February 2007)

*The afterlife * 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no

afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word

he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the

golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much

all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late

at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Perth."


----------



## 2020hindsight (21 February 2007)

lol, top joke, Bronte.     :bunny:
here's one that no doubt everyone has read, (and not as good as yours) but what the hek.


----------



## mrWoodo (22 February 2007)

Looking through the premiumdata website, came across their 
alternative market glossary.

From there, a few I like : 

*Analyst recommendations: –*
Strong Buy – Buy
Buy - Hold
Hold – Sell
Sell – It’s too late.

*Daytrading:* - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods of employment.

*Institutional investor:* - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or two after you’ve bought it, for no apparent reason.

*Zero-sum game:* – a game in which the players slug it out and the broker wins.


----------



## Flathead Flick (23 February 2007)

Anyone else feel like this from time to time?

http://www.grudknows.com/inanemutterings/fs_mad_keybd.asp


----------



## Royce (23 February 2007)

A grief stricken woman walks into a veterinary clinic with a very dead parrot in her hands.

She gently lays the dead bird on an examining table in front of the vet who looks at the woman quizzically.  "There is something wrong with my parrot" the woman exclaims.  The vet looks at the dead parrot, and pokes it with his finger. The bird does not react. He looks at he woman who's on the verge of tears, shakes his head and says "Its dead"
"How can you be sure! All you did was poke it, perhaps it could be in a coma." The woman exclaims.

The vet rolls his eyes and walks out the back. He shortly returns leading a Labrador dog on leash, he motions the dog up onto the table with the bird. The dog sniffs the bird over and looks at the vet, lowers his ears and whines as it shakes its head.

The vet takes the dog away and comes back with a cat. Places the cat in front of the bird. The cat sniffs the bird up and down, looks at the vet, gives a short meow and shakes its head hops off the table and runs out the back.

"See!" the vet says to the woman. "Your parrot is dead."
The woman begins crying as reality dawns on her.  The vet writes out the bill and gives it to the woman who quickly looks at it.

"$1500 dollars, but you didn't do anything".
The vet just looks at her and says  "If you had taken my word for it, it would only cost $20 bucks, but with the lab report and cat scan....."

Royce


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## Bronte (28 February 2007)

*Petrol*

A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."  "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog. Surprised, her Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl says, Dad "She ran out of petrol about halfway, so another dog is pushing her home."


----------



## 2020hindsight (3 March 2007)

"how do you do, how do you do   
"what did you say your name was again?
"Brian Bourke...
" oh shinbone - looks like I'll be resigning fist thing Monday - rats !!"


----------



## Bronte (5 March 2007)

A young blonde woman in Perth was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?  Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece 
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. I get food and
free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. - "this is the Rottnest Ferry


----------



## Sultan of Swing (7 March 2007)

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sandton was recently faced with a unique problem.

Many students who were 12-year-olds were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would have to remove them and the next day they would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called them all to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show
them how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and proceeded to clean the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!!

There are teachers.... and then there are educators


----------



## mrWoodo (7 March 2007)

One for the bulls (attachment included)


----------



## tech/a (13 March 2007)

*Classic*

> Subject: FW: Things People Said In Court
>
>
>
>>>>These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken 
>>>>down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while 
>>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>>>
>>>>___________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>>>>WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>>ATTORNEY: What year?
>>>>WITNESS: Every year.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
>>>>forgot?
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thin g your husband said to you that 
>>>>morning?
>>>>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We both do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You do?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his 
>>>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>>
>>>>___________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>>>
>>>>_______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh....
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: By death.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a 
>>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on 
>>>>dead people?
>>>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you 
>>>>go to?
>>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing 
>>>>an autopsy on him!
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>>WITNESS: Huh?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check 
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when 
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>
>
>
>


----------



## nizar (13 March 2007)

tech/a said:
			
		

> >>>>
> >>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
> >>>>for a pulse?
> >>>>WITNESS: No.
> ...




Gotta love that last one


----------



## Bronte (13 March 2007)

Yes, excellent tech/a
Thanks for the laugh


----------



## 2020hindsight (13 March 2007)

yep - lol - gr jokes t/a, and gr8 joke of yours too Bronte - I've just had to adapt it to the Manly ferry 
PS Are you sure jumping off the narrows bridge is harmful lol?


----------



## imajica (14 March 2007)

The New Maths


This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? 

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. 

How about achieving 103%? 

And what makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

PLUS, look how far a.ss-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close;

and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh.it and As.s-kissing that will put you over the top! 


So, HAVE A NICE DAY AND CONTROL THAT A.SS-KISSING


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 March 2007)

lol - good one, imajica
and I notice, for the big money, you need  CORRUPTION - gets you almost 150% ! (149)   

Also when you have a HANGOVER , yuo're at 90%   - speaking of which , wish I'd sold yesterday  - anyone know where I can buy a bottle of vodka for $1.50?


----------



## bvbfan (15 March 2007)

what is an a-s-s?

We are Australia it should be a-r-s-e shouldn't it which is an extra 4%


----------



## Bronte (15 March 2007)

*Desert Island*

A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To  
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To 
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found 
himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only 
bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most 
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the  island. I landed here 
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You  were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with 
you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material 
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I 
wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a 
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On  the south side of the 
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is  exposed. I found if I 
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it  melted into ductile iron. 
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of  rowing, she 
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls 
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow 
painted  in blue and white.  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an 
expertwoven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As 
theywalk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it  
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he  blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop 
of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you 
like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man  accepts and they sit down 
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged  their stories, the woman 
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you 
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom 
cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in 
the cabinet, a razor made  from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed 
to a hollow ground   edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel 
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically 
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit 
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to 
him,  "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something 
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what 
he's hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly   and tears start to form in his 
eyes. Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here"


----------



## bvbfan (16 March 2007)

If I was 40, I would BE that man


:silly:


----------



## nioka (21 March 2007)

A 90 yr old man went to the doctor for a check up. He was asked how he felt and replied "great I am now married to an 18 yr old and we have just come up with a new son. How is that?"
 The doctor thought for a minute then said " I have a friend who was going hunting and mistakingly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When confronted with a huge bear he pointed the umbrella at the bear and it fell down dead. What do you think about that?
 The old man replied " I think someone else must have shot the bear".
 Exactly said the doctor.


----------



## Bronte (22 March 2007)

*THE LODGER*

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out  to  darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.  She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.

Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (22 March 2007)

Bronte said:
			
		

> "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"



Rofl, Bronte , you get some beauties , lol


----------



## Bronte (23 March 2007)

Glad you enjoyed the joke 2020


----------



## 2020hindsight (24 March 2007)

Bronte if I ever get into a darts team - you can be there for the joketelling lol.

You know the one about the Irish carpenter ordering 4 beers?


----------



## Kauri (24 March 2007)

One for Chicken...


----------



## 2020hindsight (24 March 2007)

good one, kauri, rofl.


----------



## chops_a_must (26 March 2007)

Q. What's the best thing about being Ben Cousins right now?

A. It's just one more sleep to go until Easter.


----------



## constable (28 March 2007)

now if your the slightest bit pollitically correct i take no responsibility!
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less than his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Even my mrs found the funny side to this ( after she slapped me)!


----------



## TheAbyss (29 March 2007)

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few


----------



## 2020hindsight (31 March 2007)

Miranda rights ... the ones about "you have the right to remain etc etc ..." taken to the nth degree


----------



## Freeballinginawetsuit (31 March 2007)

The West Coast Eagles in conjunction with thier major sponsor Hungry Jacks is proud to announce the 'Ben Cousins Meal Deal'....... 

No Burger or Fries, just Coke and Ice.


----------



## Realist (31 March 2007)

NEW PAKISTAN CRICKET COACH ANNOUNCED:

Pakistan have just announced their new coach, Gladstone Small. 

On introducing him to the side, Pakistan's cricket head said, 

"OK, lets see if any of you blokes can choke this guy!!!"


----------



## constable (31 March 2007)

Realist said:


> NEW PAKISTAN CRICKET COACH ANNOUNCED:
> 
> Pakistan have just announced their new coach, Gladstone Small.
> 
> ...




now thats funny


----------



## Bronte (19 April 2007)

*Beautiful Wife*
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. 
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each 
other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Fremantle, but I worked both sides of the river."


----------



## Julia (19 April 2007)

Bronte said:


> *Beautiful Wife*
> A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
> She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
> He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
> ...




Hey Bronte, that's funny.  Thanks.


----------



## Bronte (19 April 2007)

Julia said:


> Hey Bronte, that's funny.  Thanks.



You are welcome Julia. 
Pleased you enjoyed the joke.
A great way to start the day...


----------



## 2020hindsight (19 April 2007)

bronte 
I think your jokes are disgraceful!  and I cant wait till this reputation rating thing comes in, and I can post my opinion of your jokes - 

and that goes double for all those other people who even suggest that there are any other positions than missionary , and ...

thought for the day .. I wonder what the Armish would call their position(s) - "genesis position?"


----------



## Bronte (19 April 2007)

You are a lot of fun 2020  
Great to have you around


----------



## BIG BWACULL (19 April 2007)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (19 April 2007)

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


----------



## BIG BWACULL (19 April 2007)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"


----------



## Bronte (20 April 2007)

*Duped*  
Thought this was a great read....


----------



## BIG BWACULL (20 April 2007)

SUPER LOL What a classic


----------



## Captain_Chaza (20 April 2007)

Crikey!
I just saw a 6 year old girl walk up to a footballer who had a man's tattoo on his arm and say
"He looks like the man I slept with last night!"


----------



## BIG BWACULL (20 April 2007)

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem so she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"


----------



## nomore4s (23 April 2007)

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
    distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in
    the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly
    under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
    such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
    undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf  
Clubs 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
    crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
    problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate

    .................................................................... 
..

    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and
    try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
    update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
    then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers  
3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
    to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

    Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
    Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus
    in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
    system resources).

    Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
    are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
    memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
    buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

    We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support


----------



## Bronte (26 April 2007)

Subject: *Grandmas*

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing Home.  About then, an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can!  Just drop your under shorts, and we can tell your exact age."  Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.  The Grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"  "How in the world did you guess?"  The old Grandmas snickered and laughed, slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, 
"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!"


----------



## justjohn (27 April 2007)

Whats grey and has a trunk
A mouse going on holidays
Whats brown and has a trunk 
A mouse coming home from a holiday
SORRY:


----------



## BIG BWACULL (27 April 2007)

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her. 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring Pizza & Beer.


----------



## Bronte (28 April 2007)

Very funny BIG  
Just had to share this one:


----------



## josh82 (28 April 2007)

Q. What do you call an impotent aardvark?

A.  a Vark


----------



## 2020hindsight (28 April 2007)

the bushie who goes to town - meets a city girl - takes her out on first date.
she sees a mink coat - "oohhh isn't that nice" so he grabs a brick, throws it through the shop window, bang, she gets her mink "oohh thank you aren't you a sweety"

couple of shops further down " oohh isn't that a nice handbag"   bang, she gets her handbag

few shops further down  " oohh isn't that a nice pair of shoes"  
he replies "YOu think I'm MADE of bricks !!??


----------



## drillinto (28 April 2007)

HUMOUR: New Scientist's Feedback Column
28 April 2007

Just send your bank details...

GOOD news for dupes of the infamous Nigerian spam frauds who sent money to "419" scammers but never received their promised rewards. We've been told that the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission is going to make it up to you.

Feedback has just received a letter from one Bello Ahmed of "EFCC Prohibits Office" telling us, "The Nigeria Government has set side for your compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist this duped character." Just tell Ahmed all the information you used in sending money to the scammers, and the Nigerian government will give you $150,000.

In case past losses have left you wary, Ahmed thoughtfully provides a link to the commission's website,


----------



## BIG BWACULL (4 May 2007)

HE HE HA HA


----------



## BIG BWACULL (4 May 2007)

AHH CRIPES  WHew lucky its only friendly fire DOH!!


----------



## BIG BWACULL (4 May 2007)

Bronte said:


> Very funny BIG
> Just had to share this one:



Least its not a toadstool LOL


----------



## BIG BWACULL (4 May 2007)

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (5 May 2007)

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"    

Good Night


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 May 2007)

ya mad Bwacull lol
good one


----------



## x2rider (10 May 2007)

Hi folks 
Dear Technical  Support, 

18  months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates  4.2, which 
I  had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently 
conflicts between these  two products and the only solution was to try and 
run Girlfriend 1.0  with the sound turned off. 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0  is incompatible with several other 
applications, such as  LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. 
Successive versions of GirlFriend  proved no better. 

I tried  a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a 
virus in my system, forcing me to  shut down completely for several weeks. 
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend  1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same 
time, only to discover that when  these two systems detected each other 
they caused severe damage to my  hardware. 

I  eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that  this product 
soon had to be upgraded  further to Wife 1.0. While Wife  1.0 tends  to use 
up all my available resources, it does come bundled  with FreeSexPlus and 
Cleanhouse2005. 

Shortly  after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very 
unstable and costly to run. Any  mistakes I made were automatically stored 
in Wife 1.0's memory and could  not be deleted. They then resurfaced months  
later when I had  forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic 
Diary, Explorer and  E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch 
TurboStrop and  Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and  
I have to try to  guess what the problem is. 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0  needs updating regularly, requiring 
ShoeShop Browser for new  attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to 
be reinstalled every  other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my  
Saab 93  Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. 

Wife 1.0 also comes with an  irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which 
can't be turned  off. 

Recently I've been tempted to install  Mistress 2005, but there could be 
problems. A friend of mine has  alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to  delete all of your Money before 
uninstalling  itself. 


Cheers martin


----------



## BIG BWACULL (15 May 2007)

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mum. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."


----------



## BIG BWACULL (15 May 2007)

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in HIH

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.


----------



## smoothsatin (15 May 2007)

Now an oldie, but still a goldie,


What do ice and Tasmanians have in common?

They both f*ck cousins!


----------



## insider (15 May 2007)

smoothsatin said:


> Now an oldie, but still a goldie,
> 
> 
> What do ice and Tasmanians have in common?
> ...




I don't get it  ... ICE?


----------



## nomore4s (15 May 2007)

insider said:


> I don't get it  ... ICE?




The drug ice maybe, I think it refers to Ben Cousins. Took me a while to get it too.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (17 May 2007)

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


----------



## BIG BWACULL (17 May 2007)

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.


----------



## rico01 (21 May 2007)

Thought this was suitable for the current mob                                   


 Subject: Quick Check for Alzheimer'sThe following was developed as a 
>mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard 
>University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud 
>without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do 
>it!  1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat.  4. This
is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6.
>This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is 
>busy cat. 10. This is for cat.11. This is forty cat.12. This is seconds 
>cat.Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I bet'
>you cannot resist passing it on


----------



## Bronte (21 May 2007)

*Down at the pub*
This young fella was down at the pub the other night, 
he had already had a couple of sherbets when he noticed this good looking sort walk in,
bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by 
unnoticed. So he ambled over and chatted her up with his normal suave: 
"G'day - wanna midi of suds?”
Anyway, he got chatting and seemed to be getting on OK, turns out 
she was 57, but nevertheless they chatted and laughed and joked a 
bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you. 
She asked him if he had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know, 
a mother and daughter threesome. He thought to himself  "Struth mate, 
you've hit the jackpot here." So he said, (nonchalantly) 
"Nah..never had one of them..." 
So they had a couple more beers and she said 
"Tonight's your lucky night!" before heading off back to her place.
She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled 
upstairs.....

"Mum, you still awake?"


----------



## Wysiwyg (21 May 2007)

> *Down at the pub*
> She asked him if he had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
> a mother and daughter threesome. He thought to himself  "Struth mate,
> you've hit the jackpot here." So he said, (nonchalantly)
> "Nah..never had one of them..."



And then................?


----------



## Bronte (22 May 2007)

Bronte said:


> *Down at the pub*
> This young fella was down at the pub the other night,
> he had already had a couple of sherbets when he noticed this good looking sort walk in,
> bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by
> ...


----------



## Royce (24 May 2007)

Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. 

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". 

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 

The conductor took it and moved on. 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. 

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. 

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".


----------



## Boyou (24 May 2007)

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. 

The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. 

Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. 

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was ashamed and remained silent.. 

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. 

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (28 May 2007)

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## 2020hindsight (28 May 2007)

Great jokes Boyou, Bwacull, Royce, Bronte (as usual lol) 


Boyou said:


> In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
> ... It's called the Triple Filter Test."
> 
> The first filter is Truth.
> ...



Presumably Rotarians wouldn't be interested in that news either lol.


> http://www.rotary.org/aboutrotary/4way.html The Four-Way Test
> From the earliest days of the organization, Rotarians were concerned with promoting high ethical standards in their professional lives. One of the world's most widely printed and quoted statements of business ethics is The Four-Way Test, which was created in 1932 by Rotarian Herbert J. Taylor (who later served as RI president) when he was asked to take charge of a company that was facing bankruptcy.
> 
> ...Adopted by Rotary in 1943, The Four-Way Test has been translated into more than a hundred languages and published in thousands of ways. It asks the following four questions:
> ...




I would propose a 5th test ....
Listen open-mindedly to the story irrespective ....  and then ask "Does it involve anyone I know?"


----------



## alphman (29 May 2007)

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well", Granny snickered.  "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

:bananasmi


----------



## Boyou (29 May 2007)

20 20,glad you liked Socrates.Interersting stuff about the Rotarians too.
Heres another from my joke cupboard.

Cheers Ya'll 

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.              



 EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT           
 HELICOPTER."                                                               
 ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS $50    
 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."                                   



 A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID,        
 "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT    
 NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."                                                 



 ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS $50 DOLLARS AND $50       
 DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."                                                   



 THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.     
 I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE 
 RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU. BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 
 $50 DOLLARS."                                                              



 MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF   
 FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS     
 OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.                                 

 WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID    
 EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!" 
 MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,  
 BUT $50 DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."


----------



## drillinto (30 May 2007)

There was a joke that went around about Kerry Packer dying and going to heaven, which went like this: Packer is standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting to be let in when an old man with a beard jumps the queue. Packer marches up to St. Peter who is guarding the gates to ask what the hell is going on. Oh, says St Peter, "that's God, the bloke who owns the place."
0h, yeah ? asks Packer. "Well how come he doesn't line up like everybody else ?"  Ah well, says St. Peter, "we have to humour him because he's got a bit of a problem. You see, he thinks he's Kerry Packer."

in "The Rise and Rise of Kerry Packer"
by Paul Barry, Bantam Book, 1993


----------



## 2020hindsight (30 May 2007)

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. 

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. 

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! 

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. 

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."


----------



## 2020hindsight (30 May 2007)

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." 

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. 

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." 

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. 

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." 

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"


----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 June 2007)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 June 2007)

What kind of crimnal has moral fibre? 
 A cereal killer


----------



## BIG BWACULL (6 June 2007)

DOH!!


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 June 2007)

lol - good one as usual bwacull 

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up. 
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?" 
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 June 2007)

The Three Stages of a Man's life   :-
1. Before Marriage
2. After Marriage
3. After Divorce


----------



## 2020hindsight (20 June 2007)

pilfered a couple from another chatroom 



> A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
> The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
> Anything you say will be held against you."
> The drunk replies, "Breasts."






> The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
> 
> "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
> 
> ...





> Why'd the dinosaur cross the road?
> Chicken's weren't invented.
> 
> Why'd the robot cross the road?
> Chicken's were extinct.



one for you Bwacull 


> Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
> She didn't want one for the night.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (22 June 2007)

Thanks, yeah i got a PM radio lol
Dunno if i have posted this but worth a look again  anyway heh heh 


> There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> Some of these are excellent ...
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> ...


----------



## Wysiwyg (27 June 2007)

My poor drover friend...


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 June 2007)

Hello,.....and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant,please ask someone to press 2 for you 

If you have multiple personalities,press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid,we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.

If you have low self esteem,please hang up.All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde,don't press any buttons,you'll just screw it up.


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 June 2007)

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! 

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"


----------



## Wysiwyg (27 June 2007)

2020hindsight said:


> Hello,.....and welcome to the mental health hotline.
> 
> If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly
> 
> ...




 2020....I tried all those numbers and every time the message 

"this call could not be connected , please try again later."


----------



## LetItRide (27 June 2007)

An american and an australian go out duck shooting on the darling river. a duck comes round the river bank, and they both fire at the same time.
AM; i done got that mother, whoop , whoop.
AUST: i think i got it.
AM: WHAT? look at my huntin' gear compared to yours. i got the best under and over shotgun, no reloads, and long don't get your feet wet waders you all ever seen. and you? a single barrelled shot gun, reloads, and a pair of thongs.
Aust: well we are in australia. lets settle this aussie style.
AM: o.k. sounds fair. what we do?
Aust: well. we kick each other in the balls. whoever stands up for the longest wins.
Am: Ok. i'm a visitor in your country, you kick first.
with that the aus. runs up and lands a beauty. the american drops to his knees, groaning in agony. with tears in his eyes, he slowly raises to his feet. "good shot there you aussie. my turn now.
to which the aussie says, "Nah. keep the duck"


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 June 2007)

hey wys - see if you feel the same about personal hi-jean after this one lol. 

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 June 2007)

dont know if anyone's done the City2Surf lately, but lol, they have these giant jars of petroleum jelly at the Ambulance pitstops - for chaffing - and everyone gets to dive in with three fingers of grease, -  and hand down the trousers - liberally applied to crutch and other "nether regions" - then to the next station -  another jar, another dollop   
(maybe you had to be there lol)


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 June 2007)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c**k tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn c**k tail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his bestfriend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".


----------



## LetItRide (27 June 2007)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!–This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police"


----------



## Wysiwyg (27 June 2007)

LetItRide said:


> A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!–This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police"




Very good ride.....I would have fallen for that one.:bunny:


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 July 2007)

old bloke goes to the doc for his checkup - just turned 90.  

Doc asks " g'day old mate,  so how are you travelling harry?"
"actually I'm a bit of a mess doc"
"ahhh.... sorry to hear that harry - what's the problem?, you having trouble peeing ?"
"oh no way, every morning at 5.30 I have this gigantic pee - plenty of pressure - could go three foot in the air"
"ok ok , well is it that you're constipated?"
"oh no way, every morning at 6.00 I have this giant bowel movement, regular as clockwork - boom" 
"well I'm confused  ... what's the problem then harry ?"

"well doc you see , well kinda, well...
.... 
well it's just that I dont wake up until 6.30 "


----------



## 2020hindsight (26 July 2007)

drmb said:


> Thought  for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



lol- gotta be a classic there drmb lol


----------



## nomore4s (27 July 2007)

A man walks into a small pub and orders a beer. The barman puts a cold beer on the bar and says "that'll be 10c thanks".
The man thinks 10c, thats alright, so he decides to order a meal "I'll have your biggest T-Bone with chips and salad and another beer with it, thanks." 
The barman takes his order and says "50c thanks"
"50c, what's going on here, how come everything's so cheap? Are you the owner of this place?" he asks.
The barman replies "Nah, I'm not the owner, he's upstairs doing to my wife what I'm doing to his business"


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 July 2007)

One day, mother nature was walking through her nature reserve when she found god giggling to himself.

"what's so funny?" she asked, and god replied, "I just invented man!"
"Yes, so?"
"I gave him a brain!", god went on to say

Perplexed, mother nature motioned god to continue with his story.

"I gave him a pen1s!", god blurted out, trying to hold in his hysterical laughing fits.

"Look, this is all very well and good, but I fail to see whats so funny!" mother nature said in a commanding voice.

God screamed out in obvious delight of his accomplishment, 'I ONLY GAVE HIM ENOUGH BLOOD TO USE ONE AT A TIME!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 July 2007)

OK - here's a clean one ....(to make up for the last one ) 

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

One 

----

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window ?

Cause it didnt work

(well that'll teach you to complain lol)


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 July 2007)

Blonde Joke (one for bwacull)  :-  One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. 

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. 

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 July 2007)

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! 
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. 
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. 
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

"The funeral director?," suggested his wife.


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 July 2007)

...


> A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
> The woman sneezes, Takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
> The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
> A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
> ...





> Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
> 
> So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and
> sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so
> ...


----------



## Wysiwyg (30 July 2007)

A Parrot Which Never Talks...


There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.

"Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file it's beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says "the parrots dead". Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?".

Ex-parrot owner says "**** no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!"


----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 August 2007)

:couch 
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 August 2007)

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 August 2007)

There's been a lot of talk about computer games having a subliminal effect on players, affecting their behaviour in real life.
Such talk is, of course, unfounded. The most popular computer game is Pacman. If Pacman had a subliminal effect on anyone they would be running around in darkened rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music.


----------



## nioka (18 August 2007)

Time to revive this thread.
 A group of students were discussing who made man.
Mechanical engineering student."Must have been one of us, look at all the joints"
Electrical engineering student."No way. One of ours. Look at all the nervous system with all the electrical connections.
Chemical engineering student."Definitely a chemical engineer. Imagine all the chemical reactions taking place all the time.
 The gardener had overherd all this and commented " It was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewerage drain through a recreational area."


----------



## 2020hindsight (18 August 2007)

couple I found in cyber space..


> A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
> 
> Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.   He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
> 
> ...



dare the blokes out there to tell this one to the missus  :-


> A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
> Mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
> 
> The Mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
> ...






> Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Cairns for a vacation.
> 
> When one of the fleas arrived in Cairns last year, he was shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, " Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea said, "I rode up here from Hobart in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle."
> 
> ...






> Desperate for a Sunday afternoon quickie, Bill and Marla decide that the only way to distract their ten-year-old son long enough is send him out onto the balcony of their flat to report on all the neighbourhood activities.  The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.  There's a car being towed from the parking lot, he says, after few minutes. and now an ambulance is driving past.  There’s a moment’s quiet, before the amorous couple hear his narration again: looks like the andersons have company, he calls out.  Matt from no.8 is riding a new bike … and the Coopers are having sex. Mum and Dad shoot up in bed. How do you know that? asks Bill, startled. Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too, his son replied.


----------



## springhill (18 August 2007)

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To visit his flat mate


----------



## Yeti (18 August 2007)

Apparently copper wire was invented by two Dutchmen fighting over a Penny...


----------



## Wysiwyg (20 August 2007)

Not into politics and not into voting so this could be the politician of your choice.It happens to be Howards turn but I think the end line is the funny bit.

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies, because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." 

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ...but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down .....all the way to Hell. 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries, who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there .......everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. 

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. 

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!" 

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly. 

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" 

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes, like himself,  and pulls hilarious nasty pranks - kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises. 

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. 

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward. 

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. 

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-**** joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! 

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!" 

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this --I mean, Heaven has been beautiful; but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. 

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage & toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian Outback. 

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags......They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder..... 

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila..... 

We lazed around and had a  great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and  everybody looks miserable!" 



The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,...... 


"Yesterday, John, we were campaigning;... today you voted for us!" 

--


----------



## Woodchips (20 August 2007)

A bear and a rabbit are out taking a crap in the woods. As they both finish, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him "Doesn't your sh-it ever stick to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "Nope"
So the bear wipes his arrse with the rabbit.

WC


----------



## BIG BWACULL (20 August 2007)

Woodchips said:


> A bear and a rabbit are out taking a crap in the woods. As they both finish, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him "Doesn't your sh-it ever stick to your fur?"
> The rabbit replies "Nope"
> So the bear wipes his arrse with the rabbit.
> 
> WC



You should have substituted the rabbit for Johnny H  lol


----------



## Absolutely (20 August 2007)

One doing the rounds at the moment. Apologies to our asian friends.

CHINESE WEDDING  NIGHT 

A young  Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.  Truth be told, he  is a virgin too, but she doesn't know  that.   

On their wedding night, she  cowers naked under the sheets as herhusband undresses in the  darkness.
He climbs into bed next  to her and tries to be  reassuring. "Mydarring," he whispers,  "I know dis you firss time and you berryfrighten. I pomise you, I give you  anyting you want, I doanyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?"  hesays, trying to  sound experienced and worldly, which he hopeswill impress her. 

A thoughtful silence  follows and he waits patiently (andeagerly) for her request. She eventually  shyly whispers back,  "I want to try someting  I have heard about from other girls...
Numbaa 69." 

More thoughtful silence,  this time from him. Eventually,in a puzzled tone he asks  her...
"You want... Garlic  Chicken with corrifrowa?"


----------



## 2020hindsight (21 August 2007)

absolutely - good one lol - then there was the aussie equivalent ...
bloke meets a girl in bar in outback - takes her home, she suggests a 69.
Has to explain it to him because he's never tried it. 
Anyway, she has a flatulence problem this particular night, and after a couple of attempts he jumps up and storms out - saying - 
"You've gotta be kidding lady!! I mean, I've never tried this 69 thing before, but no ways am I sticking around for another 67 of them!"


----------



## BIG BWACULL (21 August 2007)

2020hindsight said:


> absolutely - good one lol - then there was the aussie equivalent ...
> bloke meets a girl in bar in outback - takes her home, she suggests a 69.
> Has to explain it to him because he's never tried it.
> Anyway, she has a flatulence problem this particular night, and after a couple of attempts he jumps up and storms out - saying -
> "You've gotta be kidding lady!! I mean, I've never tried this 69 thing before, but no ways am I sticking around for another 67 of them!"



SUPER LOL LOL LOL :beat:


----------



## BIG BWACULL (21 August 2007)

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"


----------



## dutchie (21 August 2007)

Hey BIG BWACULL

My names John and I'm going to Amsterdam in September.

Can you tell me where that nudist colony is because I have the same problem and I want to make sure I don't go there.

Cheers

Dutchie


----------



## Jockstar73 (22 August 2007)

A guy walks into an army disposal store and says to the guy behind the counter "Hey do you have any camouflage pants"

And the guy replies "yeah we do, but stuffed if I can find them"


----------



## black_bird2 (22 August 2007)

http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3


----------



## 2020hindsight (1 September 2007)

Spike Milligan 
lol - what an idiot


----------



## BIG BWACULL (4 September 2007)

2020hindsight said:


> Spike Milligan
> lol - what an idiot



Bloody idiot lol 

*The Evolution of Shark Intelligence...*


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2007)

lol - you and those blonde jokes.
Mind you - there's a moral to that cartoon - 
like ....  if a wolf wants to creep up on Red Riding Hood's granma - presumably it pretends it's a wolf pretending to be Red Riding Hood pretending to be a wolf? 

http://www.june29.com/HLP/lang/pidgin.html

what was that Lert posted back there ....
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=196287&highlight=lik#post196287

bikpela welpela dok e wankain (same same?) lik lik red pela hat e wankain bikpela welpela dok , e hukim olpela grey mari 

bit of bullsh1t at the end the day - coming into happy hour lol 

imi kamap long hamamas aua :bier: 

(at least after I drive home lol)

good - gut, gutpela
   good afternoon - apinun
   good day - gude, yu stap
   good morning - moning
   good night - gut nait
   good worker - man bilong wok

gossip about - tok baksait
grandparent(s) - tumbuna
grapes - ol pikinini bilong rop wain
greet - tok gude
group - lain
grow - gro
guard (vb) - sambai long
guest - pasindia
buy - baim
guidebook - buk em i soim rot
inside of - insait long

So Joe could say to new arrivals .. something like 


> "apinun, pasindia, kam insait long haus he tok baksait trading .. baim buk em i soim gutpela rot"


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2007)

> "apinun, pasindia, kam insait long haus he tok baksait trading .. baim buk em i soim gutpela rot"



talk - tok, toktok
     talk about - toktok long
     talkative person - man bilong toktok
tall - long
tall tale - tok gumi
exhaust pipe - eksospaip
throw away - rausim, troimweim
behave oneself - stap isi , stap gut
behaviour, manner - pasin
behind - bihain long
believe - bilip, bilipim



> "emi tok tok eksospaip bilong bulla-ma-cow, emi nogot strap isi, emi nogot gudpela pasin , .... mi rousim!, yupela bilipim mi tru"


----------



## greenfs (5 September 2007)

There was a magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot. 
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick. 
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to be rid of it. 
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician. 
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time. 
"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"


----------



## Edwood (5 September 2007)

Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his  dad
giving his mum one.. His dad smirks & throws a pillow at  the
door saying " get outta here you little sh"t"
a couple of hours later dad hears a commotion coming  from
johnnys bedroom.. he goes up to find johnny giving his  grandma
one... johnny smiles....."  not so funny when its your mum is it.. ? "


----------



## Woodchips (5 September 2007)

Bloke comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers in his hand. His wife rolls her eyes and says: "OK, so now I suppose you want me to spread my legs for you?". 
Confused the bloke replies: "Why?... Don't you have a vase?"

WC


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2007)

like that ad they used to have for Leggos... 

"Does YOUR husband come home tired and depressed after a day at the office ... well then ... cheer him up ...  do what hundreds of wives are doing .. open up the Leggos !  and.... etc


----------



## disarray (5 September 2007)

what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

cancer


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2007)

what do they call a kangaroo that gets higher than its mates ?
Joey


----------



## Edwood (6 September 2007)

disarray said:


> what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?
> 
> cancer




  :bad: not funny


----------



## spooly74 (6 September 2007)

Lighter side


----------



## 2020hindsight (16 September 2007)

so there's a train going from Moscow to Vladivostok, 
in one of the carriages sit two peope , facing each other a metre of so between them  in one of the logues - a gentleman and a lady. 

the trip across the wastelands of Russia and Siberia takes three days.   they watch the snow outside , and nothing said for almost the entire first day .  

then mid afternoon the man reaches out and touches the lady toget her attention.   He says in a slow deliberate voice " I .. like.. your.. hat"

"why zank you" says the lady slightly bushing.

then about mid afternoon on the second day he reaches out again , gets her attention, and says , again very carefully " I ... like.. your.. scarf.."

"why zank you" more blushing.

then on the third day - and only about 3 hours out of Vladivostok by this stage - he reaches out , gets her attention... " Enough.. of .. zis .. small.. talk... let's  .. **** ".   (party? go for a walk?  I never did see the real word there. )

here's youtube of the song of the vulgar boatman to  set the mood
actually I saw this blokes face while going through some russian music youtubes, and I recalled this joke.

 Volga boat song (Les bateliers de la Volga) -- Yvan Rebroff


----------



## 2020hindsight (26 September 2007)

Due to a mixup, Luciano Pavarotti goes to Hell.
but the Devil sends him up to Heaven (where he obviously belongs btw )  , and calls out to God ..
"here's that tenor I owe you " 

(caw , they don't get any weaker than that one)


----------



## BIG BWACULL (27 September 2007)

The 3 tenors are now known as 20 quid 
(Just as bad )


----------



## brilliantmichael (27 September 2007)

x2rider said:


> Just one more please
> 
> We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
> Now here are the rules from the male side.
> ...




Haha classic!


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 September 2007)

lol - ripper
btw, I'm sure everyone has heard this one - but what the heck
wait for the sound track to catch up

http://humor.beecy.net/menwomen/mansong/


----------



## nomore4s (28 September 2007)

A Father asks his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds & the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"
Confused the Father asked what was wrong.
"Oh, Dad" the boy sobbed. "When I was 6, I got the  'there's no Santa' speech. At 7 I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. At 8, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy speech' . If you tell me that grown ups don't have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."


----------



## nomore4s (28 September 2007)

Another one.

A little boy and his Dad are standing in line at the supermarket behind a rather large lady. 
The little boy says "Hey Dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son she'll hear you."
"But Dad, look how big and fat she is!"
"Don't say that it's not nice!"
Then the lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out Dad, she's backing up!"


----------



## Edwood (28 September 2007)

September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on back of US Sub Prime collapse.The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up. 

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches. 

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song. 

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. 

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal


----------



## Edwood (5 October 2007)

*“$500k”  Gold Digger Gets Slammed*

By BankersBall on Oct 3, 2007  in Emails &  Diversions, Girlfriend!
Note to all girls out there looking for/dating wealthy  men: continue pretending you like them for who they are, not what they’re worth.  We were forwarded an ad that appeared on CL by a proclaimed hot, young thing  looking for a “middle class” guy that makes at least $500k. Below is the ad and  the reply. Anon writer, claim your kudos!
Frankly I think the  poster was doing a bit of trolling. And who wants to bet she got some serious  responses?
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””–
*THE AD*
_What am I doing wrong?_
_Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a  beautiful__
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m  articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a  guy who makes at
least  half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in  mind
that a million a  year is middle class in New York City , so I don’t think
I’m  overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board?  Any wives? Could
you send me  some tips? I dated a business man who makes average  around
200 - 250. But  that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t  get
me to central park  west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was  married
to an investment  banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty  as
I am, nor is she a  great genius. So what is she doing right? How do  I
get to her  level?
Here are my questions  specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me  specifics- bars,
restaurants,  gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you  won’t hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m  25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on  the upper east
side so  plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who  have
nothing to offer  married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop  dead
gorgeous girls in  singles bars in the east village. What’s the  story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer,  investment
banker,  doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do  they
hang out? Where do  the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am  looking for
MARRIAGE  ONLY
Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there  in an honest
way. Most  beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up  front
about it. I  wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I  wasn’t
able to match them  - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping  a
nice home and  hearth.
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””–
*THE RESPONSE*
PostingID: 432279810
Dear  Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought  meaningfully
about your  dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your  predicament.
Firstly, I’m  not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits  your
bill; that is I make  more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is  plain and simple a
cr@ppy  business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what  you
suggest is a simple  trade: you bring your looks to the party and I  bring
my money. Fine,  simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and  my
money will likely  continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very  likely
that my income  increases but it is an absolute certainty that you  won’t
be getting any more  beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I  am an earning
asset. Not  only are you a depreciating asset, your  depreciation
accelerates!  Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay  pretty
hot for the next 5  years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins  in
earnest. By 35 stick a  fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading  position, not a buy
and  hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business  sense
to “buy you” (which  is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In  case
you think I’m being  cruel, I would say the following. If my money  were
to go away, so would  you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.  It’s
as simple as that.  So a deal that makes sense is dating, not  marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about  efficient markets. So,
I wonder why  a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly  beautiful”
as you has  been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard  to
believe that if you  are as gorgeous as you say you are that the  $500K
hasn’t found you,  if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own  money and then
we wouldn’t  need to have this difficult conersation.
With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the  right way.
Classic “pump  and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into  some sort of
lease, let me  know._


----------



## CanOz (5 October 2007)

Thanks for a great Friday afternoon laugh Edwood!

Cheers,


----------



## BBand (8 October 2007)

Quick lesson in Chinese?

Thats not right...................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP......................................Kum Hia
Stupid man.........................................Dum Fuk
Small horse.........................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach.........................Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table......................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift......................Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here..............................Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet....................Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone..........................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.....................Wa Shin Ka
Great...................................................Fa Kin Su Pah

Peter


----------



## 2020hindsight (9 October 2007)

The Scottish Three Kick Rule

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the left side of the lawyer's bum, .... the second to the right side - by this stage he's dropped to his knees.

When the farmer's third kick sent him three feet in the air,  the lawyer almost gave up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiles and says,

"Nah, I give up, You can keep the duck.  :viking:


----------



## 2020hindsight (9 October 2007)

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours' dog barking.  It had  been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"


----------



## professor_frink (12 October 2007)

*Why men aren't allowed to write advice columns*

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. 

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Norma Melia

Dear Norma:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 I hope this helps. 

Walter


----------



## 2020hindsight (12 October 2007)

A gendarme in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approached the car window and said "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action which may leave him short of breath."
The gendarme said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the officer said : "Right I need a urine sample then."
The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for Australia, please don't take the piss out of him."


----------



## bigdog (13 October 2007)

*Growing Old*

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old!  

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. 
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

"For fast relief."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, share this with a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.


----------



## bigdog (13 October 2007)

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
: )  means a smile and
: (  is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
 
:-(

Well, how about some "A_SE-ICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular a_se

(__!__) a fat a_se

(!) a tight a_se

(_*_) a sore a_se

{_!_} a swishy a_se

(_o_) an a_se that's been around

(_x_) kiss my a_se

(_X_) leave my a_se alone

(_zzz_) a tired a_se

(_E=mc2_) a smart ****

(_$_) Money coming out of his a_se

(_?_) Dumb a_se

You have just been e-mooned!


----------



## BIG BWACULL (14 October 2007)

bigdog said:


> We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
> : )  means a smile and
> : (  is a frown.
> 
> ...



I just thought of one (_????_)A Real big dumb ar_e
Speaking of which

Speeding Ticket
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


----------



## doctorj (19 October 2007)

Real personal ad posted in New York.........Female seeking Male with reply from Male !!!!!! 
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. 
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? 
Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
-Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
-Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER


Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. 
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.
That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity....in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.
It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. 
So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. 
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


----------



## nioka (25 October 2007)

A duck walked into a bar; "got any grapes" said the duck. "No' Said the barman. The duck left.
 The next day the duck walked into the same bar, got the same answer and left.
 The following day the duck walked into the bar and asked the same question. " do you have any grapes?". The barman was getting a bit tired of this. " I don't have any grapes. I had no grapes yesterday or the day before. I won't have any grapes tomorrow and if you come in here and ask for some I'll nail your feet to the floor." he said.
 The next day the duck returned and said to the barman "do you have any nails. The barman answered "No".
 The duck said "do you have any grapes? " 
(Compliments of an 8 year old relative. There is hope for the next generation. It got us off politics.)


----------



## BIG BWACULL (25 October 2007)

*Blonde Coffee Drinker	* 

 A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''


----------



## BIG BWACULL (25 October 2007)

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"


----------



## cuttlefish (25 October 2007)

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bar tender looks at him in amazement and say's  "Your a duck!"

The duck casually replies "Well thats very observant of you, now can I get a beer or what?"

The bar tender keeps looking at him stunned "But you can talk!?!"

The duck replies a bit impatiently "Well it appears your ears are working too then, now how about that beer 'eh?"

The bar tender shakes his head and wanders off and grabs a beer for the duck.

Anyway over the next couple of weeks the bar tender gets used to the talking duck who becomes a bit of a regular visitor.

One day the circus is in town and the ring leader from the circus comes into the bar for a beer.  The bar tender says to him:  "You know - we've got a duck that comes into this bar sometimes - he can talk and he drinks beer!".  

The ring leader is amazed and say's to the bar tender that if the duck comes in again send him down to the circus because he might have a job for him.

Anyway the next night the duck come's into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bar tender say's to him "you know the ring leader from the circus down the road was in here the other night and say's he might have a job for you".


The duck looks at the bar tender a bit quizzically and scratches his chin.
"hmmm ... I wonder what the circus would have for a plasterer?".


----------



## BIG BWACULL (25 October 2007)

A guy walks into a bar and says "AHHHH ****, that hurt)


----------



## Sultan of Swing (4 November 2007)

I went to the cemetery yesterday and 

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself : 'These buggers have lost the plot.' 



Sorry, that was bad!!!! .... but I liked it! :


----------



## qmanthebarbarian (5 November 2007)

doctorj said:


> Real personal ad posted in New York.........Female seeking Male with reply from Male !!!!!!
> What am I doing wrong?
> Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
> I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
> ...




laughing my ar$e off!!! classic!!!


----------



## Happy (5 November 2007)

Maybe coincidence, but number of casual jobs is on the rise too


----------



## nioka (8 November 2007)

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks" What's the problem officer?"
 Officer: "You were doing 75 in a 50 zone."
 Man: " No sir I was doing only 55"
 Wife: "Oh, Harry you were doing at least 80." ( Man gives wife a dirty look).
 Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for a broken tail light".
 Man: "Broken tail light. I didn't know I had a broken tail light".
 Wife: " Oh Harry you know it's been broken for weeks". (Man gives wife another dirty look).
 Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing a seat belt".
 Man: Oh I just took it off as you were walking up to the car".
 Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt".

  The man turns to his wife and shouts " SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH"

  The officer turns to the woman and asks " Ma'am, does your husband often talk to you like that".

  "Oh no" she replied. "Only when he's drunk".


----------



## nioka (27 November 2007)

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE;(SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY).

George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going to bed when his wife told him he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does that sound familiar.)
 George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
 He phoned the police who asked" is someone in the house?" and he said "no". Then they told him that all patrols were busy, that he should stay in the house and lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay", hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
 "hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
 Within 5 minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red handed.One of the police said to George : "I thought you said you had shot them!"
 George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 I love it. DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!


----------



## Whiskers (27 November 2007)

nioka said:


> A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks" What's the problem officer?"
> Officer: "You were doing 75 in a 50 zone."
> Man: " No sir I was doing only 55"
> Wife: "Oh, Harry you were doing at least 80." ( Man gives wife a dirty look).
> ...




The wife wasn't blonde by any chance.  



> HOW TO CALL THE POLICE;(SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY).
> 
> George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going to bed when his wife told him he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does that sound familiar.)
> George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
> ...




No that's proctive thinking... like they say, don't get mad, get even.


----------



## 2020hindsight (27 November 2007)

lol - brilliant jokes these nioka  
just what we all needed I'm sure lol


----------



## bvbfan (27 November 2007)

nioka said:


> "hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
> Within 5 minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red handed.One of the police said to George : "I thought you said you had shot them!"
> George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"
> 
> I love it. DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!




Yeah typicall of the police here, you'd probably still get done for making a false report


----------



## AndrewM123 (29 November 2007)

For Christmass, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. 
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" 
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $280,000 mortgage & no bike!
__________________


----------



## AndrewM123 (29 November 2007)

I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet
again. 
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an 
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in 
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way 
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply 
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here, that practically everyone in the line was by 
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, big guy who was 
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and scratching myself, when a 
car hit me !


----------



## Julia (29 November 2007)

That's funny.  Is it true?  You really said that?  It would be a justifiable response to someone who asked if you had a dog when you were buying dog food.

On a more serious note, heard today about a dog who found an open bag of cement powder and had a good lick of it (god knows why), then proceeded to have a drink of water.  The cement set hard in his stomach.  He died.
Good reminder to keep such products well sealed from curious canines.


----------



## Whiskers (29 November 2007)

Hey Julia, you didn't read the other joke above the dog one?

As something of an expert exponent of conflict resolution as well as the english language, how do you suggest the father explain things to his kid?


----------



## AndrewM123 (30 November 2007)

Julia said:


> That's funny.  Is it true?  You really said that?  It would be a justifiable response to someone who asked if you had a dog when you were buying dog food.
> 
> On a more serious note, heard today about a dog who found an open bag of cement powder and had a good lick of it (god knows why), then proceeded to have a drink of water.  The cement set hard in his stomach.  He died.
> Good reminder to keep such products well sealed from curious canines.




No I didn't really say it,   just thought it funny when sent to me,

As to cement eating dogs........What a stupid dog!!!!  I have never ever thought to keep cement locked away from my dog, BUT I always make sure that I never buy meat flavored cement to be on the safe side..


----------



## AndrewM123 (30 November 2007)

Whiskers said:


> Hey Julia, you didn't read the other joke above the dog one?
> 
> As something of an expert exponent of conflict resolution as well as the english language, how do you suggest the father explain things to his kid?




Just get the kid a bike ???


----------



## AndrewM123 (6 December 2007)

*from another forum...but thought it funny*

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began 

his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder 

on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first 

ever bass over 11 pounds when his mobile phone rang. 

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a 

terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and 

that he'd be there as soon as possible. 

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to 

be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of 

more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the 

rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never 

seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. 

He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. 

Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll now be her caregiver!" 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. 

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. 

She's dead. What'd you catch?"
__________________


----------



## 2020hindsight (6 December 2007)

Jacky Jacky was left in control of the station while the boss went to the big smoke to sort out a bit of business.

As he drove back to the front gate, the boss was surprised to see Jacky Jacky waiting there for him.   
"G'day boss" he called.
(The boss thought he detected a hint of panic) 

"Howdy Jacky Jacky - how did things go while I was away ?"
"well boss, there's some bad news and some good news  - 
"oh boy - what's the bad news Jacky-"  
"ya see, boss, Blue died..."
"Blue died !! - ahhh nooo - what a great dog he was -  why, what, how did that happen, Jacky?"
"well boss the horse fell on him" 
"the HORSE fell on him -  ahh poor old blue 
but how, I mean why would the horse ..."
"well boss, he was running away from the fire 
the fire !!? - what the, where when ?"
"well boss the barn caught fire and the horse  bolted"
"gee whiz the BARN  .. sheesh - 
but how.."
"we think it was a spark from the house "
"FROM THE HOUSE - wha ...?"  
(by this stage the boss is fast approaching punchdrunk with the string of revelations) 
"what - why would the house burn dow.. "
"well boss one of the cadles fell over"
"candles  ?? WHAT candles ??"
"the ones beside the missus coffin boss..."
"the missus - you mean the love of my life is d d dead?

"hey boss - don't take it so hard !!"
"dont take it so hard ?! - you tell me all this and you say - don't take it so..."

"but boss - look on the bright side - "
"bright side ? "  he asks incredulously

"yeah boss - see -  the heat from the flame made the dahlias bloom a week early !!  "


----------



## 2020hindsight (6 December 2007)

http://homepage.eircom.net/~nobyrne/jokes1.htm
Irish Logic
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.

"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."

"Logic" replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" said Pat.

"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"

Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.

An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?". 

Pat: "Logic!"

Shamey: "And What's Logic?"

Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"

Shamey: "I Do!"

Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (6 December 2007)

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. 

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." 

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. 

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me  ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."


----------



## 2020hindsight (7 December 2007)

Probably posted already, in which case here it is again 

The moral of auntie sharon: 
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" 

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."


----------



## AndrewM123 (10 December 2007)

*GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:*

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


----------



## AndrewM123 (10 December 2007)

*GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:*

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


----------



## AndrewM123 (10 December 2007)

*GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD*

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


----------



## Kauri (10 December 2007)

Why there is a Fairy on top of Chritmas trees.

Just before Christmas Santa and Mrs Santa were having a hard time sorting out everyones Christmas wishes, sourcing all the presents, and fitting it all into the sled. On top of that, the weather forecast was for unseasonally warm weather, and Rudolph had taken his crew off on the grog. A knock on the door and a happy elf with a beautifull Christmas tree, asking poor frazzled Santa where he wanted to put it.
 To this day, there is always a Fairy firmly planted on top of Christmas trees.
Cheers
..........Kauri  :drink:


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## 2020hindsight (10 December 2007)

*Re: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:*



AndrewM123 said:


> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.




......


----------



## jman2007 (11 December 2007)

A mushroom walks into a bar and goes up to the bar to get served. The barman glares at him, "We don't serve mushrooms around here" he growls, to which the mushroom replies, "What's the problem?..I'm a fungi".


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## jman2007 (11 December 2007)

Shortly after the mushroom, a peanut walks into the bar. The barman looks at him suspiciously, "We don't serve peanuts in these parts" he barks. "I know" says the peanut, "But I've been assaulted".


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## Uncle Festivus (12 December 2007)

French Military Victories

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html


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## 2020hindsight (12 December 2007)

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.


----------



## 2020hindsight (12 December 2007)

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


http://homepage.eircom.net/~nobyrne/jokes1.htm


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## AndrewM123 (13 December 2007)

Saturday Morning..  
My wife was sleeping peacefully; I got up early, put on my long trousers, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 80km/ph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that **** ?"


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## 2020hindsight (13 December 2007)

lol - ripper, andrew


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## 2020hindsight (15 December 2007)

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school. 


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 -  Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in  prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.


----------



## 2020hindsight (15 December 2007)

Apologies if this has already been posted..

One day the old poodle starts  chasing butterflies and before long, 
Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
  Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
  with the intention of having lunch.

  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing 
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew 
on the bones with his back  to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard 
is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one 
delicious leopard! I wonder if there
  are any more around here?"

  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look 
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", 
says the leopard,
  "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a 
nearby tree, figures he
  can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
  leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the 
leopard with
  great speed, and figures that something must be up.

  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and 
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, 
monkey, hop on my
  back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his 
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, 
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't 
seen them yet, and just when they get  close enough to hear, the old 
poodle says...

  "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me 
another leopard!

  Moral of this story....

  Don't mess with the  old dogs...age and skill will always overcome 
youth and treachery!
  Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.


----------



## 2020hindsight (15 December 2007)

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100-years-old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come
along."


----------



## ithatheekret (15 December 2007)

2020hindsight said:


> Probably posted already, in which case here it is again
> 
> The moral of auntie sharon:
> A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
> ...







Now that cracked me up ......... bonza , absolutely bonza !


----------



## AndrewM123 (1 January 2008)

The Annual Pennsylvania State Fair.
> 
> MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY
> YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
> ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
> DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS". ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO
> THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
> HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE". ESTHER REPLIED
> "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS". THE
> PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. "I'LL
> TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE
> AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU. BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD IT'S 50
> DOLLARS". MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS
> OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS
> OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT
> TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO
> YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!" MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL I WAS GOING
> TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS" !!.
> 
>


----------



## BIG BWACULL (5 January 2008)

Just a couple of pics


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 January 2008)

lol
ripper bb 
these are pretty tame by comparison 
http://www.comics.com/creators/wizardofid/archive/wizardofid-20071216.html


----------



## 2020hindsight (6 January 2008)

..........  one for you people on calorie counters


----------



## AndrewM123 (8 January 2008)

*I like this thread near the top !!!*

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he
> saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
> driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
> He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
> "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
> "We HAVE TO eat grass."
> Immediately the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house
> and I'll feed you!"
> "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
> that tree."
> Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
> Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too." The second
> man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
> "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
> Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
> you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you"
> Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
> You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
>


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 January 2008)

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector  to  audit  the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he  turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
 "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
 the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free Box of candles."
 "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious  way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the  crumbs?"
 "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was  trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and  send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a Free  box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he  could fluster  the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do  with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you  perform?"

 "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is  save  up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once  a  year ..
 they send us a complete pr1ck.”


----------



## treefrog (14 January 2008)

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*** Remember ... they walk among us! ***


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## 2020hindsight (14 January 2008)

treefrog said:


> Here is the glorious winner:
> 
> 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
> James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



tfrog, yep lol - this one is a true story for sure ...

There was a study into accidents with tractors when I was a student.  Damned things roll real easy etc. 

Anyway, they had to include all miscellaneous accidents.

The "winner" - as you call it - was one where a bloke had lost the cap of his petrol tank - and needed to look down the spout to check the level.   Trouble is it was getting on late into the evening, and pretty dark - so -  as he was peering down the tube , he lit a match for a bit of light on the subject 

(he lived btw - never did it again I suspect )


----------



## nioka (16 January 2008)

A police officer on a routine patrol, parked outside the local bar, noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could hardly walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for some time with the officer quietly observing.
 After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys in several vechiles he finally opened one and fell into it. While he was doing this quite a few of the pub patrons left in their vehicles completely ignoring the poor fellow. The officer was quitely observing. The man finally drove off slowly down the street where he was eventually pulled up by police car, flashing lights,siren and all. Given a breathalyser test, the driver showed a nil reading. Dumbfounded the officer said" I'll have to take you to the station, the breathalyser equipment must be broken". "I doubt it" said the man "tonight I'm the designated Decoy".


----------



## 2020hindsight (17 January 2008)

Garfield on the oil crisis...



> A  lot of folks can't understand how we  came
> To  have an oil shortage here in our  country.
> ~~~
> Well,  there's a very simple answer.
> ...


----------



## jman2007 (17 January 2008)

Hehe...

Not really one for blonde jokes, but this one is an absolute screamer!!

The president of the Nth American Blonde Society finally decided that it was high time to dispel the myths and stereotypes surrounding blonde women once and for all, and decided to hold a blonde rally for all the world to see.

50,000 blondes packed into a sports arena, and the president called up one of the members of the crowd onto the stage. "Ok" says the president to the girl, "to show the world just how far we have come, let's start with a simple question.  What is 2 plus 1?".  The blonde girl fidgets for some time, and sheepishly replies "....4?"

The president winces, "That's ok, that was just a warm-up question". Meanwhile, the 50,000 blondes erupt in a huge cry, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!...GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!".  "Very well" cries the president, "for your next question, can you tell me what 3 plus 2 equals?".  The blonde girl ponders this next question, and after an age confidently replies " ...the answer is 6!"  A collective groan escapes from the audience.

Sensing disaster, the president tries one more time, "Ok, for the sake of all blonde women in the world, can you tell me the answer to 2 plus 2?".  The blonde girl looks around desperately hoping for some kind of help, but eventually nervously replies "...is the answer 4?". The president cannot believe it, "Yes!!" she cries, "4 is the correct answer!!"

The crowd of 50,000 blondes erupts in a huge cry, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!...GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

jman


----------



## 2020hindsight (17 January 2008)

Lol - ripper jman

reminds me of Dan Quayle 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Quayle


> His most famous blunder occurred when he corrected a student's correct spelling of "potato" to "potatoe" at an elementary school spelling bee in Trenton, New Jersey, on June 15, 1992.[13] According to his memoirs, Quayle was uncomfortable with the version he gave, but did so because he decided to trust what he described as incorrect written materials provided by the school. He informed student William Figueroa that he had misspelled the word "potato", when in fact Figueroa had spelled it correctly. *Quayle then had Figueroa add an "e" making it incorrect, being spelled "potatoe". Quayle was widely lambasted for his apparent inability to spell the word "potato." *Figueroa was a guest on Late Night with David Letterman and was asked to lead the pledge of allegiance at the 1992 Democratic National Convention. The event became a lasting part of Quayle's reputation.






> As Vice President, Quayle was the first chairman of the National Space Council, a space policy body reestablished by statute in 1988. Shortly after Bush announced the Space Exploration Initiative, which included a manned landing on Mars, Quayle was asked his thoughts on sending humans to Mars. His response was stunning for the number of errors he made in just a few short sentences. "Mars is essentially in the same orbit [as earth]....*Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe*."[12


----------



## 2020hindsight (17 January 2008)

POTATOE 

 Lloyd Bentsen puts down Dan Quayle

 wisdom of Dan Quayle



> If Al Gore invented the internet , then I invented spell check !"



lol roflmao
*strongly recommended viewing lol*


----------



## jman2007 (17 January 2008)

Lol, nice one 20/20!...

Lloyd Bentsen's takedown was pretty legendary, I might have to watch that one again!

jman


----------



## black_bird2 (18 January 2008)

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


----------



## AndrewM123 (20 January 2008)

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?' 

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,  you d*ckhead?' 

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'


----------



## Kauri (21 January 2008)

True story... unfortunately..
  Went with my wife shopping for her new car, was looking at a Mazda2 when a well spoken Indian salesman approached and asked if he could help. My wife promptly said "no, wrong colour", whereupon he surprisingly walked away. Another salesman, australian, approached and asked if he was the right colour!! After apologising profusely to the Indian gentleman we beat a hasty retreat.
Cheers
.........Kauri


----------



## Miner (21 January 2008)

This is not a joke but probably a metaphor.
Any way sharing with you all 
*
 WHY WORRYING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION IS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE..IGNORE THEM*


_The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so     pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won    again. The local paper read: *PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT*

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the   pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local    paper headline read: *BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS*. 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the   donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next    day: *NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.*
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of    the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:    *NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10*
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the   donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the    headlines read: *NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE *

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring   you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and    enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot
happier and live longer!_


----------



## AndrewM123 (25 January 2008)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.  



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!  



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.  



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 


------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies. 

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## sassa (30 January 2008)

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


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## 2020hindsight (31 January 2008)

ripper sassa lol


----------



## AndrewM123 (6 February 2008)

Just received from a Mog (Morgan owner)friend serving in Basra

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) 

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)  

To: All Commands 
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts 

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K All commanders promulgate upon receipt. 

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East: 


a. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions] 
b. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.] 
c. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]  
d. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions] 
e. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]  
f. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions] 
g. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version] 
h. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]  


The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message: 


a.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'  
b.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?' 


All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt


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## treefrog (7 February 2008)

on the highway from broken hill to sydney is little topar - a small refuelling pub. as is the practice around here at such locations various jokes, cartoons and interesting one pagers are pinned up for amusement - the following story ticked my fancy

careful its R rated

7yo son saunters up to the front gate after school deep in thought. dad is painting the front fence on his rdo and greets the lad.
"Hi son, home already; what did you do in school today?"
"Dad, we did sex today"
"wow, was that interesting?
Long pensive silence.
Dad, what's a vagina like before sex?
dad's turn for reflective thought but then advises "son, before sex, a vagina smells sweeter than a perfect red rose; it looks more beautiful than a great sunset; and it feels softer than black velvet."
"Wow, dad. then what's it like after sex?"
dad's turn for reflective thought again but eventually responds, "son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

ps, so many jokes here, have only checked about half so maybe this one has already been posted.


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## Buddy (7 February 2008)

Speaking of 7 year olds, well maybe a little older...

A boy is walking down the side of the road, and a man in a car pulls up alongside him opens the window, and says "hey son, if I give you a bag of lollies will you hop in the car for a ride?".  The boy ignores him and continues walking.

A little further on the car pulls up alongside the boy and the man says "hey son, if I give you a bag of lollies and take you to the shop and buy you an icecream, will you hop in the car?" The boy ignores him and continues walking.

A bit more down the road the car stops alongside him again and the man says "Ok son, if I give you a bag of lollies, and an icecream, and take you to the movies, will you hop in the car?".  This time the boy stops and turns to the man, with his hand on his hips, and says "look dad, how many times to I have to tell you I am not riding with you while you're driving a Volvo!"


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## noirua (19 February 2008)

"The Idiot Weekly", 1958-62 radio comedy series by ABC:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Idiot_Weekly


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## 2020hindsight (22 February 2008)

..........  an email just in


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## 2020hindsight (22 February 2008)

Bloke goes to the hardware shop obviously pissed
"say mate, hic - you got any metho there? I'll have a dozen bottles"
"No way" says the bloke behind the counter - "you look like you'll only drink it"
"no no hic - I'm just painting the loungggeroom, and I need it t clean the brushes!!"
"No way"
"Lishen, now I think about it, it's only a small room, I probly only need three bottles - you got hic three bottlesl? "
" ahhh ok - here's your three bottles"

...
mm "got any cold bottles mate?"


----------



## Boggo (22 February 2008)

_This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Ireland farmer in reply to an income tax demand. _


Dear Sirs, 
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before.
You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. 

Well, here are the reasons: 
In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. 
In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. 
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. 
One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda.
A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I bad to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the f*****g eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children`s allowance). 

I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife **** the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the f*****g knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house.
I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his **** on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep, 
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog`s ******** with a red hot needle.

I'm praying for a cloud of cat **** to pass your way in the hope that it will fall on you and the rest of the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.


----------



## 2020hindsight (23 February 2008)

....


----------



## yachty7 (26 February 2008)

ITALIAN MATH TEST 

A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a little math test. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 

'Withouta numbers,' the Italian said. 'Datta easy.' He proceeded to draw three trees. 

'What's this?' the boss asked. 'Have you got no brain?  

'Tree and tree and tree makea nine,' said the Italian.  

'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'  

The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'  

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 

'Each ofa DA trees isa dirty now. So, it'sa dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99.'  

The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this Italian, so he said, ' Al l right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'  

The Italian stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, 'Ere you go. Onea hundred.' 

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'  

(You're going to love this one!) 

The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little doga comea long and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. Datta makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?'


----------



## noirua (29 February 2008)

Child: Why must I be quiet in church?  Adult: Because most people are sleeping.

Child: I'm just going to say my prayers, does anyone want anything?


----------



## Buddy (29 February 2008)

Scottish Humour at it's best:-

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. ' nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heeds.'


----------



## 2020hindsight (4 March 2008)

some cartoons for the girls...


----------



## kolonel (5 March 2008)

*The Vicar's Salary !!*​
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 

'Fu@k the Vicar'.


----------



## kolonel (5 March 2008)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. 

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"  

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. 

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't 
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says. 

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 March 2008)

reminds me kolonel 
this one - never could understand it. 

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to Heaven.
St Peter asks the first nun "have you ever had contact with a pen1s?"
she answers "I touched one with my finger".
"Well" says St Peter, "dip it in the Holy Water then!".

He asks the next nun , who replies " I fondled one once"
"Put your entire hand in Holy Water then"  says St Peter.

Suddenly there's a commotion and a nun pushes her way to the front of the queue. 

St Peter asks "What's up?"

She replies "Well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water ...
I want to do it before Sister Florence sticks her a*** in it"

PS I think that a*** = arms btw


----------



## jman2007 (8 March 2008)

Lol, an oldie but a goodie 20/20,

Here is something that I found a while ago, and could absolutely not resist sharing, enjoy lol


----------



## Edwood (12 March 2008)

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 
"Really," answered the neighbour "What kind is it?" 
"Twelve thirty."


----------



## Trader Paul (13 March 2008)

Kiwi condoms

Condom factory burns down in N.Z. 


Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,is awoken at 4am by the
telephone. 

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency!!! 
I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to

the ground.   It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms

will be gone  by the ind of the week! 

PM: "SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!" 

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?" 

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!" 

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?" 

PM: "I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches
long and eight enches thuck!!  That way they'll continue to respect the all

blacks!" 

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds
condoms; 

10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small
writing on each one... 

MADE IN AUSTRALIA 
- SIZE: MEDIUM 

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie... Oy Oy Oy 



=====


----------



## 2020hindsight (13 March 2008)

lol - good one - got the accint down pat too.
this one from 100 years ago .  Still some of you might have forgotten it 

Big black guy goes to chemist - 
got any condoms?
yep
what sizes you got?
why, small medium large
got any extra large?
yesI believe we have a few of them as well.
I'll try some
comes back (and in deep resonating bass voice says)
rubber no good,  rubber no good
how so
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, rubber go pow.
mm
maybe you could try these, they are 5mm thick rubber used in the dairy industry 
 ok
comes back (and in deep resonating bass voice)
rubber no good,  rubber no good
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, rubber go pow
mmm 
long shot 
but maybe these stainless steel ones used in the metal industry 
ok
comes back (voice much subdued and more timid)
.....
rubber no good,  rubber no good
left ball go uummph, right ball go uummph, left ball go pow, right ball go pow.


----------



## mayk (18 March 2008)

``Thank you for calling Buy-a-Bank,''  ``Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed. 

For Mandarin, press 1. 

For Arabic, press 2. 

For takeover of Bear Stearns, press 3. 

For Lehman Brothers, press 4. 

For any monoline insurer, press 5. 

To purchase residual assets of defunct hedge funds, please stay on the line and an operator will assist you.'' 
``Please enter the first three letters of the bank you are interested in buying,'' the Buy-a-Bank phone line might say. ``Or try again later. Our menu items are changing on a daily basis.''

source bloomberg


----------



## Julia (18 March 2008)

Thanks Mayk.
It would be pretty funny if it were not entirely possible!


----------



## 2020hindsight (28 March 2008)

Warning - seriously politically incorrect - in the event you have South African or Kiwi mates , only tell this joke if they are REALLY GOOD mates 



> Aussie goes to a bar and joins a round with a South African and a Kiwi
> 
> The Sth Af finishes his beer, throws his glass in the air, produces a pistol, shoots the glass, ....
> glass flies everywhere, bullet ricochets round the room, women and kids crying - lodges in someone's leg....
> ...


----------



## The Ferret (28 March 2008)

Q) What's the most popular pick-up line in a gay bar?

A) Mind if I push up a stool?


----------



## dutchie (28 March 2008)

classic


----------



## 2020hindsight (28 March 2008)

just googling ok?

http://linesthataregood.com/lame.html
pickup lines...
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! 
Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock! 
etc 

http://www.humorsphere.com/sms/pick_up_lines.htm
Be unique and different, just say yes. 
etc

http://www.seductionbase.com/pickuplines.htm
Spontaneous is the best... pick up lines are lame, some are funny but mostly lame. just introduce yourself or offer to buy her a drink. one that never fails is if a guys asks if he can buy me a beer, but don't overwhelm the girl with all your friends... go by yourself to start and if it's a group of girls hell yeah break the part the seas and talk to the one you want 

note...   a bloke I used to know used to say ...
"honey if you're feeling the same way about me as I'm feeling about you, we should be back in my room" ... etc  - I'll let you guess on his success rate.


----------



## Kauri (29 March 2008)

OK... who just emailed me this???..   
Cheers
...........Kauri


----------



## sam76 (6 April 2008)

Mens Golden Rules 

1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

(2) It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss' car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth

(3) Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

(4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

(5) If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

(6) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

(7) No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

(8) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

(9) When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

(10) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

(11) It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

(12) Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

(13) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

(14) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

(15) Women who claim they "love to watch sport" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sport watchers.

(16) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

(17) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.... that's just mean.

(18) If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

(19) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours... except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

(20) Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a)Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

(21) Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both queuing, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

(22) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

(23) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

(24) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

(25) Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

(26) The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation, end of story


----------



## sam76 (6 April 2008)

more updated Chuck Facts.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. 


There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. 


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 


The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. 


There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist. 


Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. 


The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. 


Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 


Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. 


Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. 

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!) 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. 

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. 

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. 

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. 

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. 

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. 

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. 

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. 

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. 

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. 

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. 

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. 

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. 

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. 

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. 

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. 

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. 

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. 

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" 

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. 

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. 

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. 

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks. 

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. 

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. 

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. 

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. 

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. 

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.


----------



## sam76 (6 April 2008)

There are millions of these!!

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

Chuck Norris invented the apple. 

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade. 

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick. 

Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands. 

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone.  Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone.  What's that?  You say there's no such thing as half a stone?  The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow. 

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral. 

Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond. 

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car. 

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris. 

As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

Chuck Norris does not dance.  He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit. 

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap. 

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won. 

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

See spot. See spot run.  See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Chuck Norris sneezes electricity. 

Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself. 

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces. 

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life. 

You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle. 

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off. 

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

Chuck norris invented the corndog.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain.  Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now.  Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU. 

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Chuck Norris belives the hype. 

Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself.  The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.


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## Edwood (8 April 2008)

well theres 999,999 too many of them imo Sam76.

credit crunch taking its toll on the essentials....


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## 2020hindsight (8 April 2008)

lol - good one Edwood. 
in the eye of the beerholder as they say. 
PS no man would be brave enough to say that surely


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## Buddy (9 April 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> lol - good one Edwood.
> in the eye of the beerholder as they say.
> PS no man would be brave enough to say that surely




Chuck does.


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## Edwood (9 April 2008)

Buddy said:


> Chuck does.




lol Buddy


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## sam76 (9 April 2008)

President Bush was receiving a daily briefing on the war when one of his advisors announced "Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in a roadside bomb attack today." 

"Thats horrible!" say Bush, a stunned look on his face. 

Unable to comprehend, he turned to one of his aides and whispered "How many is a brazilian?"


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## Birdster (9 April 2008)

sam76 said:


> President Bush was receiving a daily briefing on the war when one of his advisors announced "Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in a roadside bomb attack today."
> 
> "Thats horrible!" say Bush, a stunned look on his face.
> 
> Unable to comprehend, he turned to one of his aides and whispered "How many is a brazilian?"




I hope I make a "Brazilian" on my next spec! 

Nothing wrong with a "brazilian" look.   LOL


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## rub92me (9 April 2008)

Another one for our American friends 

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. 

A Message from John Cleese 

To: The citizens of the United States of America: 

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). 

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. 

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. 

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are@#$%&and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. 
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. 

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. 

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup. 

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. 

God save the Queen. 

Only He can.


----------



## Romano (9 April 2008)

*Re: Lifeline*

I was feeling depressed tonight,
So I called Lifeline
Got put throught to a call centre in Pakistan
Said I was feeling suicidal.
They asked me if I could drive a truck!


----------



## refined silver (16 April 2008)

Evolution of Teaching Maths in Australia


1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? 


2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit? 


4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. 
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. 
He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation -----after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ افكسجف تبٍغ حكنفم شاحلة كل افخشب كل اجف 100 دنفار. صاحب تفة افالتاج كل افثكل. كا من افربح فم؟


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## Bushman (17 April 2008)

Useful financial definitions: 


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, 
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God.


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## Julia (17 April 2008)

That's pretty funny, Bushman.  Thanks.


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## refined silver (17 April 2008)

Tongue twister. Can you say it fast?

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
'cause the pheasant plucker's running late.


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## 2020hindsight (17 April 2008)

refined silver said:


> Tongue twister. Can you say it fast?
> 
> I am not the pheasant plucker,
> I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
> ...




  The Pheasant Plucking Song... Goes Wrong!


> Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man
> I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
> But sometimes in an evening I feel a trifle dim
> All alone, I'm plucking pheasants, when I'd rather pluck with him.
> ...


----------



## 2020hindsight (26 April 2008)

http://www.llerrah.com/dogforsale.htm

http://www.llerrah.com/agooddeed.htm

http://www.llerrah.com/golfingpreacher.htm

also this one
Redhead goes to the doctor , waits her turn , then goes in ...
"doctor, I've got all these problems - 
if I press on my arm it hurts! ouch!
if I press on my leg it hurts! ouch!
if I press on my chest it hurts! ouch!
if I press on my head ....

ok ok says the doctor - I think I know the problem !
You're not a redhead are you - youre a blonde!
she shyly admits yes. then asks "how did you know!?" 

just a hunch he says...
and by the way - you've got a broken finger


----------



## sam76 (28 April 2008)

Bovine Economics 

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour. 

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk. 

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk. 

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you. 

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away... 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income. 

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped
dead. 


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States ,
leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull. 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them. 

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows. 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide. 

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves. 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch. 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them. 

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them. 

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad. 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


----------



## Kauri (29 April 2008)

My wife and I were watching "_Who wants to be a miilionare_" in bed tother night...
  I asked her.."Do you want to have sex"?..
  She said "NO!!"..
  I asked her if that was her final answer..
  She said "YES!!"
  I told her I was going to phone a friend..
  That is the last thing I remember...

  Cheers
...........Kauri


----------



## 2020hindsight (29 April 2008)

Kauri said:


> My wife and I were watching "_Who wants to be a miilionare_" in bed tother night...
> I asked her.."Do you want to have sex"?..
> She said "NO!!"..
> I asked her if that was her final answer..
> ...



Kauri - guess it could have happened on Boy's Poker night  - 
 and you could've said "well can I ask the audience then !? "


----------



## 2020hindsight (29 April 2008)

:topic 
but if you want to make a few bucks, try 2 handed poker - 
take out 3 aces, 3 kings, a queen and 3 jacks. 
= 10 cards total
and challenge someone to a game of 2 handed poker. 

Spread the cards out. 

Try to remember where the queen card is. let each player pick up 5 cards - you will be the only one who knows where the queen is.  

then you will know that the hand with the queen will lose ( every time) - and bet accordingly 

Hell, even if you don't remember where the queen was  - you'll know to fold every time you get the queen. 

reason is that 3 of a kind (eg 3 jacks) will beat 2 pair ( eg aces and kings + queen high)

and also - just swapping the queen around- full house will beat 3 of a kind etc .  

(PS  3 aces, 3 kings, 3 queens and a jack also works).
also 3 aces, 3 kings, 3 tens and a nine etc.


----------



## 2020hindsight (29 April 2008)

PS I still reckon Bronte has some of the best jokes here 

https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=136976&highlight=darts#post136976

https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=130222&highlight=screwing#post130222


----------



## Timmy (3 May 2008)

What a great thread!  Pheasant Pluckers .... 2 cows ,,,, love it.


Stupid riddle (I laughed my head off)...

What's black and white and goes up and down?

Answer below .........









A penguin in a lift.


----------



## BIG BWACULL (24 June 2008)

*Yell for Help*
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."


----------



## 2020hindsight (25 June 2008)

another cyber-joke doing the rounds...

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,  "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.   Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****."


----------



## pointr (25 June 2008)

this was sent to me yesterday, it may strike a chord with forum members


LIVING WILL 
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'




She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


----------



## sam76 (5 July 2008)

Sorry to bombard you all with more Chuck, but there are some absolute corkers in this group!!!!  

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.


----------



## spartn (5 July 2008)

hI gUYS

Got two jokes I found off the ZOO magazine.

*Joke 1 - My Favourite *

What are the similarities between a 'Tornado' and a 'Marriage'

*At the start there is 'sucking' and 'Blowing'. And in the end you lose your house. HEHE*

*JOKE TWO 
*
Once there was blonde who saw on TV a sport called 'ICE FISHING'

She really enjoyed watching it, and decided to go to the library to learn all about the sport so she could go do some ice fishing herself. So she went to the library read all the books about it, then she went and brough all the necessary equipment to start.
Thinking she new everything about it she decided to go to where she knew some ice was. She unpacked the big drill and started to drill a hole through the ice, all of a sudden she heard a voice above her head say "Their is no fish in the ice". 
A bit startled she stops and moved the drill a bit further down the ice and starts drilling again, she hers the same voice again say "Their is no fish in the ice". so she moves further on and starts drilling again wondering where the voice is coming from.
Again she hears the voice "The is no F*^king fish in the ice". The blonde asks "are you God". "NO" the voice says, "I AM THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK"

hahah

Spartn

:viking:


----------



## subaru69 (14 July 2008)

It's funny 'cause it's true....


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

     The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,  building and improving his house and laying up supplies for thewinter. 

     The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays  the summer away.

     Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

   THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION

    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,  building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays  the summer away.   

    Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.   A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed tobe warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper,are cold and starving.

    The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering  grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortablewarm   home with a table laden with food.   The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed  that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to  suffer so while others have plenty.   

    The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper  Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's  house.   The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda  with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'WeShall  Overcome'.

    Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the  squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an  immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'and  increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the  Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactiveto  the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,  for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for  contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

    The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house,  financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to  ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and  re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the  grasshopper.   Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his  newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize andstart  building a new home.

    The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a  temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to getto   Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.   On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of  Australians' apparent love of dogs.   The cats had been arrested for the international offence of  hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released becausethe   police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.   Initial moves to return them to their own country were  abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.   The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's  credit cards.

    A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of  the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while theHousing  Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn'tbothered   to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.   Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug  'Illness'.

    The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their  treatment since arrival in Australia.

    The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a  burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned butreleased  immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.   Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched Roby.   A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and  state the obvious, is set up.   Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme  for grasshoppers.   Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

    The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the  government for failing to befriend the cats.

    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

    The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of  government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.   They call for the resignation of a minister.

    The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.   The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and Robies have to pay an additionalpercentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased topay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

   THE END


----------



## seamisty (15 July 2008)

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage 

 Bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and 
 Every once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. 

 Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling 

 Out of that bag..." 

 "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can 
 Still find some. Thanks for the warning!" 

 "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop "How did you get all that money? 
 Did you steal it?" 

 "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the 
 Parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of 
 Fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" 

 "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each 
 Time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: '$20 or 
 Off it comes!'" 

 "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's 
 In the other bag?" 

 "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
::::: Have a good day all, Seamisty


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## sam76 (22 July 2008)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year 
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to 
come over. 

Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was 
walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? 


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T 
error? 

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' 


Braden grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 
'No,' I replied. 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' 

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T... 

I used to like the little ****.


----------



## nomore4s (22 July 2008)

sam76 said:


> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year
> old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
> come over.
> 
> ...




lol, thank god, I thought it was going to be more Chuck Norris jokes:


----------



## Birdster (22 July 2008)

sam76 said:


> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year
> old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
> come over.
> 
> ...





Ahh...and the others are;

Problem is a P.E.B.K.A.C. (prounouced; "peb-cack")

Stands for "*P*roblem *E*xists *B*etween *K*eyboard *A*nd *C*hair.

or...

P.I.C.N.I.C

Stands for "*P*roblem *I*n *C*hair *N*ot *I*n *C*omputer.


----------



## sam76 (28 July 2008)

Not really funny, but it's still a joke. 


A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses. 

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses.


----------



## Naked shorts (29 July 2008)

sam76 said:


> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.




ROFL LMAO LOL!
Your jokes have been good so far sam!
I liked the ford one to:

Here is one from me:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. 
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!  There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts 
and low cut blouses. She would regularly slowly bend down when in front of me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

          One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."  I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## korrupt_1 (30 July 2008)

Classic


----------



## impala_group (30 July 2008)

Voted the best joke in Ireland.....

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'


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## nioka (30 July 2008)

Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.


----------



## Naked shorts (31 July 2008)

nioka said:


> Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.





"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."
Dale Carnegie


----------



## fordxbt (31 July 2008)

go gordon, i want you in my workplace you ****a


----------



## 2020hindsight (31 July 2008)

korrupt_1 said:


> Classic



:iagree:


----------



## cuttlefish (31 July 2008)

Four posts in a row without a joke.  Very f******g dissappointing.


----------



## korrupt_1 (31 July 2008)

nioka said:


> Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.




lol... Nokia, you make me laff you old stiff... loosen up... he swears just for the ratings... If you worked where i use to work in a machine workshop - some of the guys makes Ramsey look well educated and tamed... your ears would bleed.

Anyway,... another Gordan Joke

Q: What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a Knife?

A: One is a kitchen tool, the other is just a tool in the kitchen!


----------



## JTLP (31 July 2008)

What do you call a Gay Dinosaur?

Mega-Saur-Ass 

SCHWING


----------



## nioka (1 August 2008)

Naked shorts said:


> "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."
> Dale Carnegie




We are all fools in the eyes of someone. The answer lies in the eyes of how MANY others. I used to swear like a trooper. Worked on a whaling station with no females around. One day an old maori chap who had never been to school said to me that I should have had enough education to be able to express myself without swearing. It made me think about it. I thanked him, stopped swearing and I think I am now less of a fool than I was in the past. 

 Constructive criticism never hurts regardless of whether Dale Carnegie says it does or does not win friends and influence people. I doubt if he would have said to swear will win friends and influence people.


----------



## Naked shorts (1 August 2008)

nioka said:


> Constructive criticism never hurts regardless of whether Dale Carnegie says it does or does not win friends and influence people. I doubt if he would have said to swear will win friends and influence people.




Well here is some constructive criticism for you: if you don't find a joke funny, don't go out of your way to insult the person telling the joke. 

time to bring back the happy vibe


How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.


----------



## 2020hindsight (1 August 2008)

oldie but a goodie (imo  ) 



> Seamus walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
> 
> So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
> 
> ...




PS the joke about Gordon Ramsey's Omelette appeals to me , precisely because it's full of swearing - but I would no sooner consider watching him on TV than flying to the flaming moon.  

(or to the F***ing moon I guess    )


----------



## Bronte (1 August 2008)

A doctor was addressing a large audience...... 



"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.

"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

"Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

" High fat diets are disastrous.

"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water,"

said the doctor.

"But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one

of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes

the most grief for years after you eat it?"

An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked,

“Is it wedding cake?"


----------



## Bronte (1 August 2008)

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"


 Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
 The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Maria: "Your husband said so."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
 Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Maria: "Your husband did."
 Wife: "Oh"
 Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
 Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
 Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."


----------



## 2020hindsight (1 August 2008)

lol - good ones nakedshorts and bronte...



> A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
> 
> "Why of course," comes the reply.
> The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
> ...






> Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
> Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."



lol - sounds like blackmail to me


----------



## Whitsy (1 August 2008)

What is the difference difference between LIGHT and HARD ????

You can sleep with the light on but......

 I crack mysself up


----------



## 2020hindsight (1 August 2008)

lol

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

(Sh1nbone - that one must be 30 years old plus)


----------



## nioka (1 August 2008)

My friend Tom told me that if he insists on going fishing each weekend his wife will leave him.

 God he'll miss that woman.


----------



## 2020hindsight (1 August 2008)

lol



> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"  "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"  The priest looks at the bottle and says,  "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


----------



## ZzzzDad (2 August 2008)

nioka said:


> My friend Tom told me that if he insists on going fishing each weekend his wife will leave him.
> 
> God he'll miss that woman.




Nioka - sounds like the Brad Paisley country song :

I'm Gonna Miss Her lyrics

Well I love her
But I love to fish
I spend all day out on this lake
And hell is all I catch
Today she met me at the door
Said I would have to choose
If I hit that fishin' hole today
She'd be packin' all her things
And she'd be gone by noon

Well I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
That I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Now there's a chance that if I hurry
I could beg her to stay
But that water's right
And the weather's perfect
No tellin' what I might catch today

SO I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
YEAH I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, ANOTHER bite

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite


----------



## sam76 (5 August 2008)

If the World was fair to Guys... 

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it. 

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would onlyoccur in leap years. 

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking. 

5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.' 

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.' 

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless. 

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-**** answer you respondedwith would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop: 'Do you know howfast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer allover the place.' Cop: 'Nice one, that's $20 off.' 

10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style again. 

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards peryear. 

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ballgoes out of play. 

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptableresponse to 'I love you.' 

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO. 

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excusefor absence and/or poor time keeping. 

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance. 

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards. 

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra. 

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and itwould work every time. 

21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone driving under thatwould be fined. 

22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire instrippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks. 

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to yourwife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!' 

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work. 

25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements wouldbe settled by a fight to the death. 

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive tothe opposite sex. 

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver twoSwedish milk maids. 

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd getto slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone 

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Doesmy bum look big in this?"


----------



## Wysiwyg (5 August 2008)

They`re funny Sam.Unfortunately the woman was emotional and vengeful.According to her mother `breaking up is hard to do`.She wanted a fight and thats what she got.



> 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it.


----------



## sam76 (11 August 2008)

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. 

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant


----------



## sam76 (11 August 2008)

A rather amusing ebay item up for sale.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI...sid=m37&satitle=250280309940&category0=&fvi=1


----------



## nomore4s (11 August 2008)

sam76 said:


> A rather amusing ebay item up for sale.
> 
> http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI...sid=m37&satitle=250280309940&category0=&fvi=1




lol @ 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.


----------



## nioka (11 August 2008)

Naked shorts said:


> Well here is some constructive criticism for you: if you don't find a joke funny, don't go out of your way to insult the person telling the joke. .



 Why not. For some people, swearing is an insult to their own intelligence. (And certainly offensive, especially in mixed company.)


----------



## nomore4s (11 August 2008)

nioka said:


> Why not. For some people, swearing is an insult to their own intelligence. (And certainly offensive, especially in mixed company.)




Why is it any different swearing in mixed company? 

Bit old fashioned don't you think?

I personally found the joke quite funny, don't think it was the swearing that made it funny more the play on how Gordon Ramsey carries on.


----------



## nioka (11 August 2008)

nomore4s said:


> Why is it any different swearing in mixed company?
> 
> Bit old fashioned don't you think?
> 
> I personally found the joke quite funny, don't think it was the swearing that made it funny more the play on how Gordon Ramsey carries on.



And what is wrong with being a litte old fashioned about some things that matter.


----------



## 2020hindsight (11 August 2008)

nioka said:


> And what is wrong with being a litte old fashioned about some *things that matter*.



then again nioka
you don't have to swear to turn an intended joke into an insult..
ask Alex Downer, (and you won't find anyone more old fashioned than him) -  about that joke that cropped his political career ... with his "things that batter"   "joke" etc


----------



## nomore4s (11 August 2008)

While we're on the subject of swearing:

Swearing at Work

Dear Staff


It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.    Try Saying:     I think you could do with more training.
       Instead Of:     You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.    Try Saying:     She's an aggressive go-getter.
       Instead Of:     She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch.

3.    Try Saying:     Perhaps I can work late.
       Instead Of:     And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.    Try Saying:     I'm certain that isn't feasible. 
       Instead Of:     F*** off a*se-hole.

5.   Try Saying:     Really?
      Instead Of:     Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6.   Try Saying:     Perhaps you should check with...
      Instead Of:    Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.   Try Saying:     I wasn't involved in the project.
      Instead Of:     Not my f***ing problem.

8.   Try Saying:     That's interesting.
      Instead Of:     What the f***? 

9.   Try Saying:     I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
      Instead Of:     No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying:     It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
      Instead Of:    Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying:     He's not familiar with the issues.
      Instead Of:     He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying:     Excuse me, sir?
      Instead Of:     Oi, f*** face.

13.  Try Saying:     Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
      Instead Of:    Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.


----------



## 2020hindsight (12 August 2008)

Budweiser swear jar


----------



## sam76 (13 August 2008)

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!




Man's penis stuck in park benchBy staff writers
August 13, 2008 04:24pm

A MAN is lucky to still have a penis after he stuck it in a metal park bench and became stuck, doctors say.

At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused. 

According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench, UK’s The Telegraph reported. 

Unfortunately for Mr Xing, news crews descended on the park to film the rescue effort:

Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail. 

Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him. 

They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis.

www.news.com.au


----------



## nunthewiser (13 August 2008)

LOL gotta be an anciant proverb in that one!

man who stick dicky in holy seat, end up with splinter in meat ?


----------



## creditscore (13 August 2008)

wow...LOL..love your joke..


----------



## 2020hindsight (19 August 2008)

lol - knew an old lady who had a dog like that once. -  very prim and proper she was - taking the dog for a walk in the park with as much grace as she could muster - meanwhile it was humping everying in sight - including trees , park benches, you name it .


----------



## 2020hindsight (19 August 2008)

one of the oldest jokes in the book but what the heck.. Kinda relevant, given discussion on Bible thread etc on the 10 commandments .. 



> There's a pastor delivering a sermon to his congregation about the Ten Commandments. He begins by listing them off, in case the parishoners didn't quite remember them all. When he got to "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he marked that a man in the front row became very uncomfortable, fidgeting around and looking very conspicuous.
> 
> He thought nothing of it, not wanting to judge, and continued his sermon. But as soon as "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" left his mouth, he noticed the same man smile, then sit back relaxed. This gave him some reason for concern, so after the mass, he approached the man.
> 
> ...


----------



## white_goodman (19 August 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> one of the oldest jokes in the book but what the heck.. Kinda relevant, given discussion on Bible thread etc on the 10 commandments ..




i dont get it


----------



## skint (19 August 2008)

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. 
He  smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl  was. 
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 
Suddenly  she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. 
He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
'Daddy, what  are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 
'They're  mating,' her father replied. 
'What  do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 
'That's  a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl  asked. 
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs. 
'The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 
'Well, we're not having any of that p**fter sh*t in our garden' she said.


----------



## Speewha (19 August 2008)

Hello 

This gut was on Denton last night made me smile. He did his first video just for fun. He got sponsored by Wriggly the chewing gum company they now pay for him to dance his way around the world.

Regards 
www.wherethehellismatt.com


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## 2020hindsight (19 August 2008)

white_goodman said:


> i dont get it



ahh white, when you get to my age and you've heard it a few hundred times, the penny will drop 

(PS I'm not pretending it's a good joke btw)



			
				skint said:
			
		

> daddy long legs x 2



lol - oh my hat - as my uncle used to say


----------



## white_goodman (19 August 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> ahh white, when you get to my age and you've heard it a few hundred times, the penny will drop



still dont get it...is it funny cos its random?


----------



## 2020hindsight (19 August 2008)

white_goodman said:


> still dont get it...is it funny cos its random?



I'll say yep - mainly because that joke is such a senior citizen, it would be disrespectful to explain it 

PS these links might help 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commandment
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umbrella
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adultery


----------



## nomore4s (19 August 2008)

white_goodman said:


> still dont get it...is it funny cos its random?




rotflmao

Does anyone else find it ironic that someone who has admitted they have trouble staying faithful doesn't get this joke?


----------



## Buddy (19 August 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> I'll say yep - mainly because that joke is such a senior citizen, it would be disrespectful to explain it
> 
> PS these links might help
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commandment
> ...




Actually twenty twice, your explanation (or should I say , how to interpret) is funnier than the joke.


----------



## white_goodman (19 August 2008)

is this like an old timer joke where im jsut missing something, doesnt seem that funny to me, is there a punch line?


----------



## 2020hindsight (19 August 2008)

hey white
I'm not meaning to be difficult here 
I just assumed you were taking the piss 
You obviously didn't go to Sunday school lol - maybe that's it 
peace bro


----------



## white_goodman (19 August 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> hey white
> I'm not meaning to be difficult here
> I just assumed you were taking the piss
> You obviously didn't go to Sunday school lol - maybe that's it
> peace bro




i went to a private catholic boys school for 8 years... im not catholic tho, but yeh i still dont quite get it, let me re-read it...


----------



## korrupt_1 (20 August 2008)

Got a giggle from this one... 

WARNING for you 'STIFF' types... Contains sexual innuendos 




> In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
> 
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
> 
> ...


----------



## bankit (20 August 2008)

*My nursing home.*

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back. 

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". 

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week). 

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? 

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. 



ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge


----------



## roland (20 August 2008)

Computer Error.



Old Harold. I called Harold the computer guy, to come over and fix a problem. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem and billed me for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?' Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out. ' So I wrote down: 

I D 1 0 T       I used to like Harold.....


----------



## Prospector (20 August 2008)

Just read this on the Yahoo7 (after posting there about showing 2.5 hours of softball)

These are hilarious!!!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Olympics that they would like to take back

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .. Oh my God, what have I just said?"


----------



## CoffeeKing (20 August 2008)

bankit said:


> *My nursing home.*
> 
> About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
> 
> ...




raflmao on this one - book me in 2, except on these ships 
 -


----------



## cuttlefish (21 August 2008)

I've seen the second one before - but its awesome footage isn't it - it would have been a wild ride on board that one.


----------



## finvik (21 August 2008)

dutchie said:


> A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Sydney to Perth.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



I think i have heard this before. anyways i enjoyed it
vik


----------



## bankit (22 August 2008)

_*Seniors moment. *_

_Thank Heavens I'm not this bad - yet._

_An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives_

_went into the kitchen and the two elderly gentlemen were talking and one said,_

_"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I really_

_recommend it." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The_

_first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his_

_companion,"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you_

_love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no, the other one." His friend_

_offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "No," growls the man, "You know the one_

_that is red and has thorns". "Ah," said his friend "You mean the rose". "Yes_

_that's right," he says and calls out to the kitchen, "Rose, what was the name of_

_that restaurant we went to last night."_


----------



## James Austin (22 August 2008)

http://www.myspace.com/cooljobs

I direct your attention to the video, right side of screen


** and i thought intraday index trading was stressful,
at least i dont have to photocopy


----------



## James Austin (1 September 2008)

the store owners cannot work out why they are continually raided by the local police


----------



## James Austin (1 September 2008)

*I wouldn't tickle this one*


----------



## roland (2 September 2008)

Two blondes decided one Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree.  So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree.  

They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blonde.  They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats.  They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car.  Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched.  They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do.

They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind.  Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore.   I give up!   

There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here.  Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (2 September 2008)

ha good one roland. 
a senior's joke :-

An old couple invite another old couple to dinner.
After the meal, the two ladies retire to the kitchen, and the men are left to chat alone by the fire. 

One says "we went to this lovely restaurant recently ..."  stares at the fire. 
Pause . The other says " oh really , what was its name?"
"mmmm ,  say what's that flower again?"
"er daisy"
"no no no ... "
"mmm hibiscus"  
"no no..."
"mmm frangipanni "
"NO NO - you know, the red one ,.....   with the thorns"
"ahh you mean Rose !!"
"AHHH yes - "  and he calls out to the kitchen ..
"hey Rose , what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other day !?"


----------



## cuttlefish (2 September 2008)

I think you might be having your own seniors moment 20/20 - look back up the thread five posts prior to your post above ...


----------



## 2020hindsight (2 September 2008)

LOL - thought it sounded familiar 
(I also got it in an email lol).

How about this one then ...

Lill Johnny asks his Granddad "say granda, do you and gran still have sex?"
the old bloke replies (after a pause) "only oral sex, Johnny"
... "oral sex, what's that Granpa?"
"well, I tell Gran to f*** off,  and she turns and tells me to f*** off too"


----------



## Calliope (2 September 2008)

Some years ago a baby boy was born in a Brisbane hospital. The parents and the doctors were distressed when it was discovered that he had no eyelids. A plastic surgeon was called in and he explained to the parents that he thought the problem could be fixed by a skingraft from his foreskin to his eyelids. The worried mother said;

"But Doctor, won't that make him cockeyed"

And the surgeon said;

"Well yes. But he will have wonderful foresight"


----------



## Sir Osisofliver (5 September 2008)

I've been told I have to tell a joke.... I have kids...you have been warned.




Why do gorilla's have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!!


----------



## Calliope (5 September 2008)

Sir Os. Here's one for the kids.

Why did Miss Beetroot blush?

Because she saw Mr Greenpea over the fence.


----------



## cuttlefish (5 September 2008)

Calliope said:


> Sir Os. Here's one for the kids.
> 
> Why did Miss Beetroot blush?
> 
> Because she saw Mr Greenpea over the fence.




And I always thought it was because she saw the salad dressing ...


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2008)

Sir Osisofliver said:


> I've been told I have to tell a joke.... I have kids...you have been warned....



Lol - next we get the knock knock jokes.

Knock Knock! Who's there?  
Aardvark.  
Aardvark who?  Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.  

Knock Knock! Who's there?  
Wendy.  
Wendy Who?  Wendy Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbing' Along... 

Knock Knock! Who's there?  
Dexter.  
Dexter who?  Dexter halls with boughs of holly.  

Knock Knock! Who's there?  
Olive.  
Olive who ?  Olive you! 

Knock Knock! Who's there?  
Hawaii.  
Hawaii who?  I'm fine, Hawaii you?  

groan etc 
http://www.knock-knock-joke.com/knock_knock_001.htm


----------



## Buddy (5 September 2008)

2020, why did you ask him to tell a joke?  That's gotta be about the worst thing you have ever done on this forum.
OK if we have got down to this level (worst joke of the year) then how about this:-

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in 
an argument, though... 

"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said. 

"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's 
pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... 

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband 
abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that 
we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. 
Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'" 

"This is Havaii," the man replied. 

"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you 
never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As the began to walk 
away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!" 

"You're Velcome!!!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2008)

Lol
reminds me of the old one...
the three old hunters in the very English Club in Colonial India ...
"it's WOMBB!"
"no it's not it's WOOMB!"
"no it's not, it's WOOOMMBBB" says the third.

A visitor leans over and interrupts " Sorry But I'm an Oxford graduate, and I  have to set the record straight here ... it's WOMB!"

They stare at him, whilst he aristocratically turns and leaves their company very pleased with himself. 

Hey , says the first, "how would he know the sound of a water buffalo farting under water anyway."


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2008)

bit like this one.. (cripes these are old ) 

Like the two old blokes in the English club...
"mmm, mmm You know Wotheringtonthwaite, mm I was in India once.."
" oooohhh, that must have been exciting, mmm " 
"mmm yes, and I went tiger hunting once, mmmm"
"'ooooh, "
"out in the jungle we were ..."
"'ooooh, "
"and just as we came around the corner ... RRROOOAAARRRR!!"
"'ooooh my GOOdness - what happened", 

.."mmm I made a mess of my pants, mmm"
"I don't blame you I would have too,,, mmm"
" no, no , mm, I don;t mean then , - I mean just now when I went RRROOOAAARRRR!!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 September 2008)

Buddy said:


> ..."You're Velcome!!!"




Knock Knock! Who's there? 
Tank. 
Tank Who? You're welcome...


----------



## Buddy (5 September 2008)

Ooorrrr mate. Now you are scraping the barrel.
I'm not going to try to outdo you on that one.  Ah, what the heck, I'll give it a go.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front door step?
Matt.

It's all your fault Sir O.
Can someone save us here, and post a decent joke.


----------



## CoffeeKing (5 September 2008)

What do you call a guy with a paper bag over his head...
Russel

2 fish in a tank
1 says to the other
you drive, I'll man the guns


----------



## seamisty (6 September 2008)

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from himl eaned over  and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'He replied, 'No. I work for a condom Company.These are customer complaints


----------



## Sir Osisofliver (8 September 2008)

Buddy said:


> Ooorrrr mate. Now you are scraping the barrel.
> I'm not going to try to outdo you on that one.  Ah, what the heck, I'll give it a go.
> 
> What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front door step?
> ...






Bwahaharr I said you'd been warned!!!!!  


My youngest told me this one on Fathers Day.


What do you call a man with a rabbit shoved up his bum?

Warren.


----------



## Wysiwyg (12 September 2008)

Some people are alive because it`s illegal to kill them.

I don`t suffer from insanity; i enjoy every minute of it.

You`re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness; that annoying gap between sleep.


----------



## refined silver (12 September 2008)

white_goodman said:


> i went to a private catholic boys school for 8 years... im not catholic tho, but yeh i still dont quite get it, let me re-read it...




Just been reading the last couple of pages, some very good ones!

White, did anyone help you out?


----------



## LeeTV (12 September 2008)

A man approached a timid looking woman in a bar and asked if she had ever been f**ked before she replied no so he talked her in to buying some Zinifex shares right before the merger with Oxiana


----------



## nevieboy (12 September 2008)

A woman comes home to find her man blowdrying his penis.
She says "what the hell are you doing?"
He answers, "heating up your dinner...!!"


----------



## Naked shorts (12 September 2008)

LeeTV said:


> A man approached a timid looking woman in a bar and asked if she had ever been f**ked before she replied no so he talked her in to buying some Zinifex shares right before the merger with Oxiana




oh lol thats good!


----------



## fordxbt (12 September 2008)

LeeTV said:


> A man approached a timid looking woman in a bar and asked if she had ever been f**ked before she replied no so he talked her in to buying some Zinifex shares right before the merger with Oxiana




ahaha. it was the quickest ****ing ive ever had


----------



## 2020hindsight (12 September 2008)

fellow meets a lady in a bar and it ends up with "your place or mine",  
after coffee she says, "ok we can go to bed now, but I warn you I like  men to show good manners even in bed"
"like what ?" he says with some confusion in his voice
"well - you know  - manners! - like at the dinner table for instance"
so they get into bed ....  pregnant pause 
"err hi sweetheart" he says cautiosly "would you please pass the vagina"


----------



## BBand (15 September 2008)

Two red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened intently until he heard an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irish man was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, Its our custom during mating season when Indian man see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Immediately, there was an answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found
There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! like the others.
He heard the answering call, "WOOOOOO!, WOOOOOO!, WOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local paper read ..........








NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


----------



## cuttlefish (15 September 2008)

The US economy.





(now is that a record for the shortest joke on here?  )


----------



## BBand (15 September 2008)

Dave and Jim

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man, I wish I had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz."

"You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Its Jim. 
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too, You don't have a hangover?"

Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"Whats that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in Perth!"


----------



## sam76 (16 September 2008)

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


----------



## Buddy (16 September 2008)

Yeah, Yeah.  But Chuck doesn't do any of that.


----------



## nioka (16 September 2008)

Buddy said:


> Yeah, Yeah.  But Chuck doesn't do any of that.





Chuck was number 9. It got chucked out.


----------



## sam76 (16 September 2008)

Chuck is neither good nor bad.

Chuck _IS_


----------



## Kauri (16 September 2008)

* ME..*​


----------



## Greg71 (16 September 2008)

sam76 said:


> YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
> 
> 
> 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )




Yeah, it's like they're saying, "It's O.K., I understand, all mysteries of the universe have been revealed to me so i know what you're going through, I really empathize. I am an empathy centre, I understand people, it's what I do..."


----------



## Greg71 (16 September 2008)

BBand said:


> Dave and Jim
> 
> Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
> 
> ...




I don't get it.


----------



## Boggo (16 September 2008)

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?". The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States." St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me!  When did this happen?" To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."


----------



## 2020hindsight (16 September 2008)

Greg71 said:


> I don't get it.



greg 
there used to be a version of this one when the Concorde first came out lol

Paddy and Seamus working as janitors at the airport - they see this liquid dripping from the tanks of the Concorde. ...
try it - decide it's not too bad - heck it's near enough to knocking off ...
have themselves a blinder of a party...stagger home etc 

Next day Seamus wakes with the mother of all hangovers - phone is ringing...
"oooh,  yesss, oouch" he says tentatively

"Seamus , this is Paddy !"  comes an equally painful voice, but with a sense of urgency about it

"Seamus how do you feel ?"  "lousy" says Seamus

"ok, ok , now look in the miirror, is your nose all elongated and sorta hanging down?" - 

"oo aye it is and all" says Seamus

"ok ok , now try this, when you put your arms back do your elbows lock?"   

"oo aye they do! , they do!!" sez Seamus

"Well" sez Paddy, "for chrise sakes don't fart,  I'm calling from Bahrain!"


----------



## 2020hindsight (17 September 2008)

Kids Are Quick 
____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find Australia.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered Australia?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________ 
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
_________________________________ 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
______________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.


----------



## Greg71 (17 September 2008)

Ahhh...I get it. 

I was actually typing that I still didn't get it, then I got it. 

Here's one I found on another forum. I thought it was quite funny, so here it is.


Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 

'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 

'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancÃ© got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said,

'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''


----------



## Greg71 (17 September 2008)

*Ancient Chinese Torture*

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


----------



## Bronte (20 September 2008)

A Bunbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the
  car salesroom. Taking off down the freeway, he floored it to 160 kmph,
  enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!'
  he thought as he flew down the Bunbury bypass, enjoying pushing the   pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a, police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

  'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase
  as he floored it to 180 kmph, then 190, then 200 kmph.

  Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
  nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
  the police car to catch up with him.

  Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
  of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10
  minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you  can
  give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
  before, I'll let you go.'

  The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years  ago,
  my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

  'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.


----------



## CAB SAV (22 September 2008)

This is the right thread for ASIC, asx delay isn't it?


----------



## Wysiwyg (25 September 2008)

Been done before but still funny in m.o.

The definition of having some balls.

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


----------



## seamisty (25 September 2008)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert alwayswanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, hebought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walkedback into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hangingdown today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down againtomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'Nope', she replied. IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought ahat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'


----------



## 2020hindsight (25 September 2008)

Wysiwyg said:


> Been done before but still funny in m.o.
> 
> The definition of having some balls.
> 
> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''



There's allegedly a subtle difference between BALLS - as you define -  and GUTS (according to the cyberjoke anyway (and according to these definitions, I have neither - not sure I want to go there, coed website as this is,  lol).  I'm sure the girls could retaliate with similar jokes   :-



> by "contrast"...
> GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


----------



## mayk (26 September 2008)

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson


----------



## Edwood (2 October 2008)




----------



## BIG BWACULL (2 October 2008)

Edwood said:


>



Now thats Real "Crack cocaine"


----------



## Glen48 (2 October 2008)

This baby Seal walks in to a club.



A Chicken and an Egg were having a smoke after sex and the Chicken turns to the Egg and says I gyess that answers that question.


----------



## rub92me (2 October 2008)

A frog jumps off the building. Quack!
A dog catches fire. Whooff!


----------



## [t..o..m] (2 October 2008)

A man was driving down a street when he noticed two men that were working for the council. One man was digging a hole, and when finished, the other worker would fill it back up. Confused, the driver approached the two council worker's, "I don't doubt how hard you two are working, but what exactly are you doing?"

The man digging the hole slowly looked up and wiped the sweat from his brow. He looked at the driver and said, "The guy that puts the trees in is havin' his day off."


----------



## CoffeeKing (2 October 2008)

rub92me said:


> A frog jumps off the building. Quack!
> A dog catches fire. Whooff!




Quack...since when did frogs quack...
I thought they only croaked it...


----------



## rub92me (3 October 2008)

CoffeeKing said:


> Quack...since when did frogs quack...
> I thought they only croaked it...



Sorry, I should have said a dutch frog. They say 'kwak', which I translated into 'quack'.


----------



## bluelabel (3 October 2008)

rub92me said:


> A dog catches fire. Whooff!




Keeping with the theme...

how do you make a cat go woof...douse it in petrol and light it with a match

How do you make a dog go meow... run it through a band saw

 disclaimer: no animals were hurt in the writing of this 

:bier:

blue


----------



## mr_delta (3 October 2008)

Glen48 said:


> This baby Seal walks in to a club.
> 
> 
> 
> A Chicken and an Egg were having a smoke after sex and the Chicken turns to the Egg and says I gyess that answers that question.




Glen48,

I missed it completely...pls enlighten me on this....


----------



## springhill (3 October 2008)

mr_delta said:


> Glen48,
> 
> I missed it completely...pls enlighten me on this....




Which CAME first, the chicken or the egg?


----------



## 2020hindsight (3 October 2008)

Then there was the old Jewish bloke who bought the DVD of "The Prostitute who entertains Old Men"  ........ wore it out ....

kept playing it backwards watching her give the money back


----------



## 2020hindsight (5 October 2008)

The Blonde and the Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."


----------



## Buddy (8 October 2008)

Is this still funny?

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. 

 CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer. 

 BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to  mistake himself for a financial genius. 

 BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 

 VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 

 P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 

 BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 

 STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 

 STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. 

 STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your  assets equally between themselves. 

 FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 

 MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 

 CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears  down the toilet. 

 YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker  for $240 per share. 

 WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who  bought Potash @ $240 per share. 

 INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked  up in a nuthouse. 

 PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


----------



## bassmanpete (10 October 2008)

Some jokes about the current financial crisis from the BBC web site:

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply


----------



## rub92me (10 October 2008)

And from the same BBC source:
Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving


----------



## bankit (11 October 2008)

The printing presses are running hot at the moment


----------



## Green08 (11 October 2008)

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher


"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno


"Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on." --Jay Leno


----------



## Family_Guy (11 October 2008)

A priest books in to a hotel and says to the hotel clerk “I hope the pr0n channel in my room is disabled”

She replies “No sir, it’s just regular pr0n you sick Bastard!


----------



## rub92me (13 October 2008)

A typical long term investor, reflecting on the past 6 months:
"This is way worse than a divorce ...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife."


----------



## noirua (17 October 2008)

Q. Do you know the Capital of Iceland?  Yes, $4.50.


----------



## Kauri (17 October 2008)

The French bank Caisse d"Epargne has admitted it lost E600mn in a derivatives trading incident last week, blaming extreme volatility in the markets....  
volatility plays havoc with risk assessment and control....  apparently...

Cheers
..........Kauri


----------



## Glen48 (18 October 2008)

Sex at the
 Nursing home.........


 Harold is
 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
 Every night after dinner,
 Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder
 His accomplishments and long life.

 One evening, Mildred, age
 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know
 It, several hours have passed.

 After a short lull in their
 Conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I
 Miss most of all?'

 She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he
 Replies

 Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get
 It up if I held a
 Gun to your head!'

 'I know,' Harold says,
 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
 It for a
 While.'

 Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his
 Trousers, removes his
 Manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward,
 They agree to meet secretly
 Each night in the garden where they
 Would sit and talk and Mildred would
 Hold Harold's
 Manhood.

 Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual
 Meeting place.
 Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make
 Sure he was O.K.

 She walked around the Senior Citizen Home
 Where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female
 Resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

 Furious, Mildred
 Yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I
 Don't have?'

 Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
 'Parkinson's.'


----------



## roland (20 October 2008)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile
phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last
shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the
clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said,

"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"


----------



## MrBurns (20 October 2008)

Heightened Threat Levels In Europe 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." 
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the 'Great Fire' of 1666. 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. 

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy


----------



## bankit (20 October 2008)

Believe me things in Britain are a lot worse than people realize.​


----------



## roland (22 October 2008)

Sick Leave……..
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.


----------



## Buddy (22 October 2008)

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day.............. 
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!


----------



## roland (22 October 2008)

Buddy said:


> When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day..............
> On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
> 
> Be very sure you get this brand.
> ...




That's a bit like the notices from older resturants and motels:

"All Water Used in This Establishment Has Been Passed by the Supervisor


----------



## Bronte (23 October 2008)

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is 
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost 
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the 
age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the 
coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny


----------



## Gundini (23 October 2008)

I recieved this text yesterday, it said:


Message from www.adultdating.com 

Your dating ad has been on our website for 19 years now without any reply!

Do you want us to try one week without a picture?


----------



## 2020hindsight (23 October 2008)

Bronte said:


> They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started ...



pffft


----------



## anthon (23 October 2008)

SOCIALISM    
 You have 2 cows.    
 You give one to your neighbour   


  COMMUNISM    
  You have 2 cows.    
  The State takes both and gives you some milk.    


  FASCISM    
  You have 2 cows.   
The State takes both and sells you some milk.    


  NAZISM    
  You have 2 cows.    
 The State takes both and shoots you.    


 BUREAUCRATISM    
  You have 2 cows.   
  The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...    


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM    
 You have two cows.    
  You sell one and buy a bull.    
 Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.    
  You sell them and retire on the income.    


  SURREALISM    
  You have two giraffes.    
  The government requires you to take harmonica lessons    


  AN AMERICAN CORPORATION    
 You have two cows.    
 You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.    
  Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.    


  ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM    
 You have two cows.    
 You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.    
  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.    
  The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.    
  You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.    
  No balance sheet provided with the release.    
  The public then buys your bull.    


 THE ANDERSEN MODEL    
  You have two cows.    
  You shred them.    


  A FRENCH CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
 You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want   three cows.    


  A JAPANESE CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.    
  You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.    


  A GERMAN CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.    


  AN ITALIAN CORPORATION    
  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.    
  You decide to have lunch.    


  A RUSSIAN CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
  You count them and learn you have five cows.    
 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.    
  You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.    
  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.    


  A SWISS CORPORATION    
  You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.    
  You charge the owners for storing them.    


  A CHINESE CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
 You have 300 people milking them.    
  You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.    
  You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.    


  AN INDIAN CORPORATION    
 You have two cows.    
  You worship them.    


  A BRITISH CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
  Both are mad.   


  AN IRAQI CORPORATION    
  Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.    
  You tell them that you have none.    
  No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....    


  A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION    
  You have two cows.    
  The one on the left looks very attractive.   


  AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION    
 You have two cows.    
 Business seems pretty good.    
 You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


----------



## 2020hindsight (24 October 2008)

Same joke as bassmanpete's, just a slight twist ...


			
				bmp said:
			
		

> Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
> A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari




Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker, day 40?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Hyundai (?)


----------



## CoffeeKing (24 October 2008)

Got some classics this guy...


----------



## CoffeeKing (25 October 2008)

Husband says to the wife "what do you want for your birthday"
Wife says something sleek slim and shiny that goes from 0 to 120 in 6 seconds

Husband goes and buys some bathroom scales


----------



## bluelabel (25 October 2008)

The jamaican central bank released a statement today, it said

"chill out man"

:kiffer:


----------



## sam76 (27 October 2008)

Nice Cosby gags, CK! 

Dear Abby, 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, You don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, 

But last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. 

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. 

My question is. 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? 

Signed, Perplexed


----------



## arco (28 October 2008)

.
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"


----------



## roland (29 October 2008)

A blonde wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking. 

This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." 

So she gets up, puts on her robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. 

A little while later, she comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the husband.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."


----------



## CoffeeKing (29 October 2008)

roland said:


> A blonde wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking.
> 
> This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
> 
> ...




ROFL ROFL


----------



## cornnfedd (29 October 2008)

possibly the biggest joke of this year..


----------



## Glen48 (29 October 2008)

I heard there is a No. 2 Hotel now in Sydney


----------



## Boggo (29 October 2008)

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies...
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


----------



## Bronte (31 October 2008)

*Subject: Market philosophy*

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers 
that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the 
forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the 
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy 
at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys 
again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to 
their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little 
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant 
would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all 
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them 
to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to 
him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys 
everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works


----------



## arco (31 October 2008)

Bored??????

http://www.pointlesssites.com/


----------



## arco (31 October 2008)

*Woman jailed for 'killing' virtual husband*

A woman in Japan has been jailed after allegedly killing off the character of her internet boyfriend in a popular online game.

The 43-year-old piano teacher admitted the allegations, the Associated Press reported, and blamed a sudden "divorce" from her online "husband" for triggering her actions.

She was jailed on suspicion of logging on with his password and killing off the man's character in the Maple Story game, which is an online role-laying game similar to the popular World of Warcraft.

*If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison to illegally manipulating electronic data, AP reported.*

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4738606a28.html


----------



## Sean K (4 November 2008)

*The Pastor's Donkey *

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to 
enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he 
ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. 

The next day the paper read: 

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the 
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains 
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:  

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


----------



## arco (4 November 2008)

I put this on the Cafe thread by mistake......

Anyway its very funny IMO

Dr Jay n Easy Lee - Dear Penis

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ3lw-eNrFk


----------



## roland (5 November 2008)

An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 

'Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!'


----------



## mike85 (5 November 2008)

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. 
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple 
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way 
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. 
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, 
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. 
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. 
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. 
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


----------



## awg (5 November 2008)

how crude can a joke be and still be acceptable on ASF Joke thread?

I only know crude ones!

I will partially obliterate the offending words

Is there a guideline somewhere?

warning..if no-one answers I will post one and find out!


----------



## derty (6 November 2008)

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs.  I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again,  although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.  I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??


----------



## BBand (10 November 2008)

*IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH*

This morning , from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister for Emigration, Mohammed Omar,
warned Australia, that if military action against Iraq continues,

Taliban authorities will cut of Australias supply of convenience store managers,
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers --------

Its getting ugly folks !


----------



## bankit (10 November 2008)

Our neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids. 

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.


----------



## sam76 (11 November 2008)

How many internet forum members to change a light bulb? 

Only 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

And 1 electrician to fix up the mess!


----------



## cuttlefish (11 November 2008)

You forgot one person to post that chuck norris doesn't change for anyone, lightbulbs change for him, but he still rejects them anyway ...   (or something like that )


----------



## sam76 (11 November 2008)

cuttlefish said:


> You forgot one person to post that chuck norris doesn't change for anyone, lightbulbs change for him, but he still rejects them anyway ...   (or something like that )




lol

Chuck norris creates light by clicking his fingers.


----------



## Wysiwyg (11 November 2008)

I went to the train station and asked the clerk for a return ticket.

He said, "where to"?

I said, "back here you dim wit".


----------



## cuttlefish (11 November 2008)

sam76 said:


> lol
> 
> Chuck norris creates light by clicking his fingers.




haha thats the one.


----------



## sam76 (11 November 2008)

how about:

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.


----------



## Family_Guy (12 November 2008)

*BBQ  RULES* 

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor   cooking activity 

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 

Routine... 
(1) The woman buys the food. 
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert . 
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,   

   and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 

*Here comes the important part: *
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 
More routine... 
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer 

   while he flips the meat . 
*
Important again: *
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 
More routine... 
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. 
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

*And most important of all: *
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


----------



## arco (13 November 2008)

*Beautiful Queen with large breasts*


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your dues.


----------



## GeoffM (13 November 2008)

I think this is the biggest joke on life 

There where three Gods all arguing over where to hide all the wisdom there is for man 
The first God said “ Lets hide it on top of the tallest mountain. “ “Man will never think of looking for it there”. 
The other two Gods disagreed and said “one day man will conquer the highest mountain and will find such a treasure “ 
The second God said “ lets hide it in the deepest ocean Man will never think of looking for it there”
Again the other two Gods disagreed saying “Eventually man will conquer the seas and find it “  
The third God said “ I have the perfect place to hide all his wisdom.” “ Lets hide it in Man’s brain” . “He will never think of looking for it there “
The three Gods agreed

Geoff


----------



## mayk (13 November 2008)

I don't know where to post this. But I thought it was funny ( but sad!)

http://www.cnbc.com/id/27661724



> *Downturn May Tighten Mafia Grip on Italy's Economy*
> 
> Italian shopkeepers pay about 250 million euros a day to Mafia protection rackets and loan sharks and fear the current downturn could allow the mob to further tighten its stranglehold on the vulnerable economy.
> 
> ...


----------



## roland (14 November 2008)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'   she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!   Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?”


----------



## sam76 (14 November 2008)

A woman has divorced her husband after she caught him repeatedly "cheating" on her in the online game Second Life.

British woman Amy Taylor, 28, fell in love with countryman David Pollard, 40, after they met in an internet chat forum. 

The pair met up in person and married in July 2005, but both maintained a strong presence online by setting up avatars ”” virtual representations of themselves ”” in the game Second Life. 

But their relationship ran into to trouble when Ms Taylor arrived home one night to find Mr Pollard at the computer watching his avatar have sex with a prostitute. 

When she confronted him about it, Mr Pollard insisted the online encounter meant nothing and maintained he was being faithful to her. 

"I went mad ”” I was so hurt," she was quoted as saying in UK tabloid The Daily Mail. 

"But he didn't see it as a problem, and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention." 

The pair then reconciled ”” until another incident in April this year when Ms Taylor caught her husband's character canoodling a young female avatar on a couch. 

She demanded to view her husband's chat history after learning the female character belonged to a real-life woman in the United States. 

But Mr Pollard erased the records before she could look at them. 

"I ended up going off in floods of tears," she said. 

"He confessed he'd been talking to this woman player in America for one or two weeks, and said our marriage was over and he didn't love me anymore, and we should never have got married." 

Ms Taylor said she filed for divorce the next day. 

But in a further twist in the tale, the recent divorcee is now seeing a man she met in another virtual universe ”” World of Warcraft.

Her new romance had helped her move on from a "terrible" period in her life, she said.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665873


----------



## Glen48 (14 November 2008)

A turtle is on his way home when he is attacked by a mob of Snails so the Turtle goes to the Police station to report it and the policeman ask the Turtle to explain what happened to which the turtle replied well I am not sure it all happen so fast.


----------



## Indie (14 November 2008)

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre - so he gives her one.


----------



## Boggo (14 November 2008)

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, one says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


----------



## Boggo (14 November 2008)

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says, "What are your doing? She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." 

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".


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## kirtdog (14 November 2008)

Q/ why dont you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A/ cos the black ones will steal ur watch

Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
A/ gang rape

chuck norris ate his mouth

your mummas so fat she got a life ban from her local all you can eat


----------



## 2020hindsight (14 November 2008)

kirtdog said:
			
		

> Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
> A/ gang rape



Domestic Violence ... the things that batter 

mods, feel free to delete this post on the grounds of social insensitivity.


----------



## CAB SAV (14 November 2008)

Bedtime for husband & wife. Wife hops into bed & husband goes into ensuite. When he comes out, wife quickly says, I've got a headache. Husband says, that's OK, I've ground up a panadol & sprinkled it on the end of my dick.
You can take it orally or as a suppository.


----------



## kirtdog (15 November 2008)

2020hindsight said:


> Domestic Violence ... the things that batter
> 
> mods, feel free to delete this post on the grounds of social insensitivity.



my post?


----------



## 2020hindsight (15 November 2008)

kirtdog said:


> my post?



mine - and one of those jokes of yours I guess (now you come to mention it).


----------



## gav (15 November 2008)

kirtdog said:


> Q/ why dont you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
> A/ cos the black ones will steal ur watch
> 
> Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
> ...




I find this very offensive! 

How dare you say that about my mother!  It's not her fault they ran out of food! :


----------



## mayk (19 November 2008)

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj_g-kYAZxw


----------



## xyzedarteerf (20 November 2008)

kirtdog said:


> Q/ why dont you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
> A/ cos the *black ones* will steal ur watch
> 
> Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
> A/ *gang rape*




that's just terrible


----------



## Edwood (22 November 2008)

the latest Nike ad


----------



## 2020hindsight (22 November 2008)

Lol - gotta be Rome (that Nike ad)  
Here are some extrememly poor Xmas jokes   ...

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? 
A: Because he had low elf esteem. 

Q: How does Bob Brown celebrate Christmas?
A: On Christmas morning, he gives the presents TO the tree.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? 
A: Santa caught in a revolving door! 

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the other reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


.........................................
Twelve ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

3. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

4. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

5. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

6. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " 
Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

8. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

9. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

10. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

11. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

12. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us".


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## Family_Guy (24 November 2008)

CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2008
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. 
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. 
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 25th October 2008
RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! 
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John Benson.


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## Edwood (24 November 2008)

kiwi stocking filler

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Business-farming-industry/Farming/Other/auction-188904435.htm


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## roland (27 November 2008)

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I.  Let's go get a beer.'


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## 2020hindsight (27 November 2008)

lol - good one roland.. (imo)

so was this previous one of yours btw (back a few) 

https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=361821


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## basilio (28 November 2008)

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. 

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. 

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. 

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. 

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible

_Not sure who this was referring to but funny anyway_


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## kirtdog (29 November 2008)

xyzedarteerf said:


> that's just terrible




sorry if i offended u but i think theyre pretty funny


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## Naked shorts (30 November 2008)

reminds me of when i first started.


----------



## mike85 (30 November 2008)

hahah naked shorts i like that one... its soo true


----------



## Glen48 (1 December 2008)

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of
> Rome.
> 
> One leans over to the other and says, "I've never
> come this way before."
> 
>   The other Nun whispers, "It's the
> cobblestones."


----------



## pistol72 (1 December 2008)

pmsl@kirt+glens gags

how can you tell if your at a poofter bbq?
the sausages taste like $hit!!
P


----------



## arco (1 December 2008)

............................................................................................


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## arco (1 December 2008)

Endless fun 

http://nickerchen.com/v1/index.php?option=com_ponygallery&Itemid=26


----------



## roland (5 December 2008)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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## 2020hindsight (7 December 2008)

As old as the hills , but what the heck  :-

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. 
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. 
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response

'Got drunk once, and had s * x with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


----------



## 2020hindsight (8 December 2008)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' 'Next.'


----------



## GumbyLearner (8 December 2008)

Remember Brewster's Millions with Richard Pryor and John Candy

Well here's Bernankes Billions

http://mefeedia.com/entry/bernankes-billions-trailer-comedy-com/12226993/

:bonk::silly:


----------



## Wysiwyg (8 December 2008)

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead. 


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead 



Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead 



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. 

So the Minister asked the congregation - 

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Ethel,who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 
That pretty much ended the service --


----------



## skyQuake (8 December 2008)

One from the Aussie sharemarket:


----------



## Wysiwyg (9 December 2008)

This could turn out to be a sticky situation.


----------



## Naked shorts (10 December 2008)

skyQuake said:


> One from the Aussie sharemarket:



 :


----------



## GeoffM (16 December 2008)

Arrr the good old days When we new exactly what was being said 
Geoff


----------



## doctorj (16 December 2008)

George Bush is an anagram of ‘Bugger! Shoe!’


----------



## Naked shorts (17 December 2008)

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/12/17/2449454.htm
*
CBA blames Merrill Lynch for capital bungle*

"The Commonwealth Bank has blamed broker Merrill Lynch for an embarrassing capital raising bungle.

Last night the Commonwealth Bank announced it had successfully raised $2 billion through a share placement, which had been overseen by broking firm Merrill Lynch.
......
Investors pulled out of the $27 per share placement when the Commonwealth Bank revealed it expected increases in bad loans after the share offer had closed."



This is whats called a real life joke


----------



## rub92me (17 December 2008)

A motorcycle cop has been hiding in the bushes all day, hoping to catch a speeder. He finally pulls over a guy doing 180km an hour in a convertible Jag.
Grinning from ear to ear, the cop leans into the Jag and says: I've been waiting for you all day long, pal. The guy in the Jag, drunk as a skunk, replies: well offisher, I got here as fast as I could!

A bit later another motorcycle cop pulls over the same drunk. This time the cop is a female. She tells him: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk says: "t1ts"

Somewhat later the same drunk stumbles out of a bottleshop. He sees a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. He staggers over to the cop and says: "Come on pal, give a guy a break." The cop keeps writing the ticket. Come on, the drunk says, don't be such a friggin' Nazi! So the cop writes a second ticket for the car having a damaged tail light. The drunk calls him an ********, and the cop writes a third ticket for worn windshield wipers. This goes on for ten minutes: the drunk hurling abuse and the cop writing tickets. Finally the cop closes his book and says: are you satisfied now? The drunk says, I really don't give a damn offisher. _My_ car is parked around the corner.


----------



## GeoffM (18 December 2008)

Now you Know 

A motorcycle cop pulled me over the other day. When he got to the car window I said “ I know officer your going to ask me to bye a ticket to the Motorcycle cops ball”. he replayed “ Motorcycle cops don’t have balls “


----------



## sam76 (9 January 2009)

Why men have no reason to be depressed



Your last name stays put. 

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be President. 

You can never be pregnant. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

The world is your urinal. 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too disgusting. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

Same work, more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. 

People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them, unless there is food on your shirt. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood all the time. 

You frequently get fed. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

People believe you when you give advice about computers or cars. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 

Your underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You almost never have strap problems in public. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 

You can buy clothes based entirely on what's on the size tag. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 

You only have to shave your face and neck. 

You can play with toys all your life. 

One wallet and one color for all seasons. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 

You can wear sandals no matter how your toe nails look.


----------



## Shtav1 (11 January 2009)

What's the difference betwen a pizza and a stockbroker??

A pizza can still feed a family of four.


----------



## Shtav1 (11 January 2009)

This really happened. 

At a Californian political rally someone in the crowd threw an egg at Governor Schwartzneger, it hit him smack in the face. Before he finished wiping the egg, he replied with " where's the bacon". (say like he said 'I'll be back')

Legend


----------



## Buddy (14 January 2009)

A memo from the H.R. Dept. Sorry bout the censorship (its the ASF software) but I think you can work out the word.

Dear Employee, 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a  scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early  retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).   
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired  Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who got AIDS or HERPES are not eligible to be SHAFTed or SCREWed any more.   
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle. 

Thanking you 

HR


----------



## xyzedarteerf (14 January 2009)

an Englishman an Irishman and an Aussie were the top three 
candidates of a physics contest. having all tied
it was up to the final and deciding question for the Win.

Host: 
Here's the final Question.

"What is the fastest thing in the universe?"

Englishman: 
I would have to say Electricity as when I flick the switch the light turns on instantly. So Isay Electricity is the fastest thing in the Universe!

Host: Good Answer.

Irishman: 
Well I think my answer is better than that, The speed of Thought is faster as thinking of switching the light on is faster than flicking the switch. Aye the Speed of Thought is the fastest thing in the Universe.

Host: Ah yes an even better Answer well done.

Aussie: 
You all answered well, but I have to say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the universe!

Host: 
Confused? And Why do you say that?

Aussie: 
Well last night right! when I was in bed right I got up, but before I could turn the light on! and even before I could think! I already shyt myself! So I have say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the Universe.


----------



## BBand (14 January 2009)

Blonde Joke

A young ventriliquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going throgh his usual dumb blonds jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 
" I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because of you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination  against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriliquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."


----------



## Buddy (16 January 2009)

Sometime in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. 
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 

    'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I
    have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here,  I'm
    going to have to let someone else go.

    I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
    one of them go, but you have to take their
    place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.' 


    George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 


    The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a
    large pool of hot water.  He kept diving in and climbing out, over
    and over. Such was his fate in hell. 


    'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
    don't think I could stay in hot water all day.' 


    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
    sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
    hammer, time after time. 


    No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
    agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George W. 


    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George W. saw Bill Clinton
    lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
    staked in a  spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
    doing what she does best. 


    George W. looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
     'Yeah, I can handle this.' 


    The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'


----------



## sassa (26 January 2009)

"Everything the Communists told us about communism was a complete and utter lie. Unfortunately, everything the Communists told us about capitalism turned out to be true." ””John Nellis, World Bank


----------



## bankit (26 January 2009)

Murder at Woolworths

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...​ 
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>​ 



*ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS*!​


----------



## CAB SAV (27 January 2009)

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT-
All white people report to the cotton fields for orientation.


----------



## Buddy (30 January 2009)

Actually, I dont believe this. Nobody could be that dumb could they????  Maybe they said it but I think they probably have very good script writers.  

Priceless, eh? I wonder if they are this good in the sack.  

*HERE are the top 50 dumb blonde jokes cracked by Hollywood's hottest actors and socialites, complied by The Sun newspaper in London.*

1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?"

2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' 

3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: "I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." 

4) Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I've changed? What do you mean... I've changed my clothes?" 

5) Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: "Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops." 

6) Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: "I don't really think, I just walk." 

7) Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: "A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!" 

8) Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: "Comedy is funny". 

9) Sam Fox on fitness clothes: "I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week." 

10) Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: "So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants... all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing... the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that..." 

11) BB's Helen Adam’s on education: "The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde - I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate." 

12) Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: "It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day." 

13) Britney on Japan "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." 

14) Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: "Sorry I don't eat buffalo." 

15) Paris Hilton on her fame: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon." 

16) Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: "He looks at us like we're stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He's a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!" 

17) Cameron Diaz on science: "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." 

18) Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: "I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.” 

19) BB's Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: "Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!" 

20) Christina Aguilera on film festivals: "So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?" 

21) Paris Hilton on her career choices: "First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I'd just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead." 

22) Alicia Douvall on motherhood: "I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she's managed well. That's why I'm happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career." 

23) Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: "Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?" 

24) Britney on capital punishment: "I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time." 

25) BB2's Helen Adams on pulses: "How much chicken is there in chick peas?" 

26) Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That's what magazines are all about - there's always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they're wearing. It's not as if I'm doing anything weird.” 

27) Paris Hilton on her title: "I don't want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn't do anything for that." 

28) Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist." 

29) Ivana Trump on literature: "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." 

30) Christina Aguilera on herself: "I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures." 

31) Britney Spears on her first tour: "Where the hell is Australia anyway?" 

32) Alicia Douvall on surgery: "I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I'd rather die trying to sort things out." 

33) Jodie Marsh on cooking: "Is an egg a vegetable?" 

34) Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: "I like her cos she's like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it's not like she's gorgeous or anything.” 

35) Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 '05 video awards: "Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable." 

36) Helen Adams on BB2 : "I probably sound Welsh on the telly." 

37) Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: "I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time." 

38) Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: "What’s a gynaecologist?" 

39) Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: "I don't think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!" 

40) Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex's new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.” 

41) Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." 

42) Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: "From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment's notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had." 

43) Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: "I'm definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!" 

44) Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: "Eleventy-twelve pence? I don't get it. How much is that then?" 

45) Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: "I always loved Pat Benatar." 

46) Emma Bunton on moobs: "I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing." 

47) Cyndi Crawford on modelling: "In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it's not like a blank stare." 

48) The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: "Doesn't that hurt?" 

49) Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: "I love what you’ve done with the place!" 

50) Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: "Pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas."


----------



## sassa (13 February 2009)

The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”


----------



## Trembling Hand (13 February 2009)

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Puff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 

Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after 
lunch.' 


Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say.


----------



## Glen48 (13 February 2009)

Subject: Fw: And the winner is...







BELIEVE it or not , these are Nashville , TN REAL 911 Calls! 


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. 
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?  


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller :  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . 
Dispatcher : Excuse me? 
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. 
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? 
Caller :  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! 


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? 
Caller:   I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. 
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. 
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one 
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. 
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. 



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? 
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart 
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? 
Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband! 

And the winner is.......... 

Di spatcher: 9-1-1 
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. 
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? 
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher:! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? 
Caller:   No 
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police. 



This Blonde had a sea shell tattoo on her inner thigh when you put your Ear to it you could smell the Ocean.


----------



## mattlaw (13 February 2009)

Scarlett Johannson is on a small plane with just her and a pilot. The plane crashes on a deserted island and both scarlett and the pilot survive. The pilot builds a shelter and gets food and does all of the things to help both of them survive. This goes on for a little while and Scarlett starts to get quite attracted to the pilot as he has been looking after her since the crash.

So one thing leads to another and they do the no pants dance and after a while Scarlett says to the pilot 'You have been so nice to me i want to do something really special for you. The pilot says 'Ok can you dress up like a man' Scarlett thinks this is pretty weird but agrees anyway as the pilot has been so nice.

Scarlett leaves the tent and comes back in dressed like a man and the pilot says 'Oh mate i am so glad you are here, you will never guess who i am sleeping with!'


----------



## roland (2 March 2009)

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.  Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!  My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"


----------



## Solly (14 March 2009)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my licence! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tel me you had a prescription.”


----------



## MrBurns (15 March 2009)

Girl takes her dress to the drycleaners.
Says "I'll be back Friday"
Drycleaner is a bit deaf and cups his hand to his ear and says "come again?'
Girl says, "No, this time it's mayonaise"


----------



## rub92me (16 March 2009)

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. 
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"


----------



## roland (21 April 2009)

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives.  I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make 
a woman truly happy'.



The Lord replied : 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


----------



## MrBurns (21 April 2009)

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Jerry the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

Jerry was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. size 44 long.' 

Jerry laughed,

'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

Jerry  tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

 'How about a new shirt?' 

Jerry thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

Jerry was surprised,

'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years.' 

Jerry  tried on the shirt

and it fit perfectly. 

Jerry  walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

 'How about some new underwear?' 

Jerry  thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. 

Jerry  laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. 

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Jerry the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

Jerry was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. size 44 long.' 

Jerry laughed,

 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years!'

 the tailor said. 

Jerry  tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

 'How about a new shirt?' 

Jerry thought for a moment

 and then said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

Jerry was surprised,

'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years.' 

Jerry  tried on the shirt

and it fit perfectly. 

Jerry  walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

 'How about some new underwear?' 

Jerry  thought for a moment

 and said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. 

Jerry  laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


----------



## cuttlefish (21 April 2009)

MrBurns said:


> Girl takes her dress to the drycleaners.
> Says "I'll be back Friday"
> Drycleaner is a bit deaf and cups his hand to his ear and says "come again?'
> Girl says, "No, this time it's mayonaise"




Her name wasn't Monica was it?


----------



## MrBurns (21 April 2009)

Had to write something to get this to load -


----------



## stl_08 (21 April 2009)

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forrest the bear says to the rabbit do u ever have problems with **** sticking to you fur, the rabbit replies no why? So the bear wiped his **** with the rabbit


----------



## GumbyLearner (22 April 2009)

George at his best


----------



## GumbyLearner (1 May 2009)

DOG  FOR   SALE!        

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the   
efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!! 

Dog  For Sale                  
Free to good home.

*  Excellent guard dog.
*  Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as  
there are no more thieves, murderers or 
molesters left in the neighborhood for him   
to eat.
* Most of them knew him as
'Holy ****.'


----------



## nomore4s (1 May 2009)

lol, thats one big dog.


A guy is on the bus when he suddenly needs to pass wind. The music on the bus is really loud, so he times his bouts of wind with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he starts to feel better as his stop approaches.

As he is getting off the bus people are really staring him down..........

And that is when he realises he's been listening to his iPod.


----------



## Uncle Festivus (1 May 2009)

Not sure if it's been posted....

*Dog food*

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal dogfood at the supermarket and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


----------



## Julia (1 May 2009)

Uncle Festivus said:


> Not sure if it's been posted....
> 
> *Dog food*
> 
> ...



If this is true, Uncle F, it's no more than the silly woman deserved.


----------



## springhill (2 May 2009)

Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes

How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment

If you contract swineflu what is the best way to get to hospital? In a hambulance

I tried to phone my doctor today to get my swine flu test results but all i got was crackling


----------



## It's Snake Pliskin (2 May 2009)

springhill said:


> Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes
> 
> How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment
> 
> ...



Pretty good.

A guy was walking down the street and came past a horse in a small paddock next to a shop. The horse looked pretty sad so the guy asked the horse: "What's with the _long_ face?"


----------



## springhill (2 May 2009)

springhill said:


> Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes
> 
> How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment
> 
> ...




Oops heres another!

I woke this morning and knew i had swine flu cos i had rashers on my body


----------



## Naked shorts (4 May 2009)

Julia said:


> If this is true, Uncle F, it's no more than the silly woman deserved.




she might have been trying to start a conversation just because he looked interesting/attractive to her


----------



## Timmy (5 May 2009)

Got this one on an email a while ago and has become one of my favourite jokes:

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. 

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. 

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


----------



## Quincy (9 May 2009)

*Why I fired my Secretary*. 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. 

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.' 

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' 

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. 

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' 

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' 

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' 

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' 

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 

'Ok.' I nervously replied. 

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. 


And I just sat there.... 

On the couch... 

Naked.


----------



## jono1887 (9 May 2009)

They once said that a black man would become president when pigs flew. 100 days later... Wham! Pigs Flu!!!


----------



## Naked shorts (10 May 2009)

hahaha love it guys


----------



## nulla nulla (17 May 2009)

Q. What is the difference between a NFL player and a brick? 
A. The brick has a higher IQ.


----------



## mlross75 (17 May 2009)

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician.

He worked it out using his fingers.


----------



## ThingyMajiggy (17 May 2009)

Did you hear about the gay wizard?

He disappeared with a poof!
__________________________________

Whats a Hindu?










.....Lays iggs bru.


----------



## Sir Osisofliver (23 May 2009)

It's rowdy in the western bar when the swing doors are slammed apart and in walks a piece of road, puffs out his chest and says. "I am the toughest bit of bitumen you will ever see, and anyone who wants to argue with me I'll beat you stupid." whereupon the bar goes quiet and satisfied he walks to the barman to get a drink.

A minute later the door slams back again and a piece of dual carriageway stalks in with a mean look in his eye and says in a quiet voice. "I say I *am* the toughest bit of bitumen that ever walked the earth and I will dessimate anyone who says different."

The road drinking turns around as the bar goes quiet, and the two are standing there eyeing each other off when the doors slam open again and a huge eight lane freeway walks in shouting. 'I be the toughest bit o' bitumen you ever did see and will squash you if you say different." 

The tension in the bar ratchets up another notch and the bar patrons are edging apart from the roads when the doors quietly swing open and in walks in a small blue piece of road.

Instantly the three roads sit down and quietly order drinks from the barman who says. 'Hey what's with him pointing to the small blue road."

"Shhh.... shut-up!" the three roads whisper, "That guy is a total cycle path."




Boom tish

Sir O


----------



## CoffeeKing (5 June 2009)

Stephen Kings new horror story...

_Flu_ from the piglets


----------



## nulla nulla (5 June 2009)

A man go's to the optomitrist and says i need glasses. The optometrist exams his eyes and says "There is nothing wrong with your eyes, you're fine go away".

Two weeks later he is back, the optometrist exams him again, nothing wrong, sends him on his way.

Two weeks late he is back with a brown paper bag, says he needs glasses. The Optomitrist exams his eyes, says "There is nothing wrong, why do you think you need glasses?" The man hands the optomitrist the paper bag. The optomitrist opens the bag and there is a turd inside the size of a house brick.

The man says " I must need glasses, every time i pass one of those my eyes water".


----------



## Timmy (10 June 2009)

I love this thread, thanks everyone.

Not a joke, but a funny article in the paper.  Been hearing about this guy for a while (Christian Lander) and now he is Australia.  

A tour of Melbourne in search of our whitest suburb.


----------



## bellenuit (15 June 2009)

*Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version*

This is a hoot!

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA


----------



## Julia (17 June 2009)

A politician dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Before you settle in," St. Peter says, "you'll have to experience one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose where to spend eternity."  The MP finds that hell includes a beautiful golf course, and in the clubhouse are many of his late friends and colleagues.  They play golf and dine on lobster, chips and champagne.  After 24 hours he is taken to heaven, where he joins a group of contented souls wafting from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

Before he knows it, St. Peter is back.  "You've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven.  Choose your eternity."  The MP says, "Don't get me wrong, heaven has been great, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So off he goes to hell but this time he finds a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and his friends are dressed in rags.  "I don't understand," the MP says to the Devil.  "When I was here yesterday there was a golf course and I had a great time.  What happened?"

The Devil smiles and replies:  "Yesterday we were campaigniing.  Today you voted."


----------



## ajjack (17 June 2009)

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blond girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over
and asks .. "How do you get into those pants?".

The blond looks him over and replies ..
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".


----------



## GumbyLearner (20 June 2009)

I'm sorry Momma 

I NEED TO SELL SOME RECORDS....

BUT TONIGHT, I NEED TO LOCK YOU IN THE CLOSET


----------



## Timmy (26 June 2009)

I wouldn't normally post something from the Fail blog, there's just too much there.  But I needed a laugh this morning.  What genius came up with this?


----------



## esolano (26 June 2009)

Timmy said:


> I wouldn't normally post something from the Fail blog, there's just too much there.  But I needed a laugh this morning.  What genius came up with this?




LOL that is hilarious! I bet they don't even realise what they've just done.


----------



## Boyou (26 June 2009)

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to forward a questionable e-mail.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. 

The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. 

Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. 

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was ashamed and remained silent.. 

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. 

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.


----------



## Edwood (26 June 2009)

They plan to melt Michael Jackson down & use the plastic to make toys so children can play with him for a change


----------



## Happy (26 June 2009)

5-year-old kid, never said the word all his life.
All of the sudden one day after diner he says: Where is desert?

My little boy you can talk say parents, why didn’t you say anything until now?

Because desert was always there.


----------



## roland (2 July 2009)

At the hotel breakfast room on my last visit to Sydney, I called over the waiter and said,

"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and rubbery.  

Also grilled bacon hardly cooked that has been left on the plate to get cold;

Dry toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a cup of very weak coffee, luke-warm."


"That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."


I replied, "Should be easy for your kitchen, that’s what you gave me yesterday!”


----------



## Boyou (2 July 2009)

Letter To God 
 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. 

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: 

Dear God, 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. 

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? 

Sincerely, Edna 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. 

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. 

It read: 

Dear God, 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. 

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. 

Sincerely, Edna


----------



## Happy Reaper (2 July 2009)

*Re: Michael Jackson Dead*

Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter look up her book
and says "I see you were a Charlies Angel. Well, that entitles you to
a special wish for earth."
Farrah responds "Thank you! I wish for all the children of the world to be safe!"
Michael Jackson suddenly has a heart attack and drops dead............

Whats the difference between an Xbox and Micheal Jackson? Nothing -
They're both made of plastic and kids turn them on.

Michael Jackson's body is being melted down into shopping bags so he
will remain white, plastic and dangerous to children.

What is the difference between the English cricket team and Janet
Jackson? Janet Jackson gets to take home the Ashes!


----------



## Happy Reaper (2 July 2009)

*Re: Michael Jackson Dead*

They tried to give him mouth to mouth,but when they blew air in his
nose kept popping off.

Michael Jackson's attorney waned him he could only date twenty-nine
year olds. Michael replied, "That many?"

It was originally thought Micheal Jackson was dying from skin cancer
but actually tripped over a babies stroller and died......so don't
blame it on the the sunshine, blame it on the buggy!!!!!!!

Madonna was devastated that the only celebrity to treat other peoples
kids worse than her has died.


----------



## Happy Reaper (2 July 2009)

*Re: Michael Jackson Dead*

The family of Michael Jackson have announced that his ashes are to be
used in etch-a-sketch, so that kids can still play with his knob.

The Boy Scouts movement announced as a sign of respect for the passing
of Michael Jackson they will be wearing their pants at half-mast.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? A: He
thought it was a delivery service.

Michael Jackson died of the bends, they found bubbles up his *rse

Q: What was the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne
doesn't come on a boys face until he is 13.

Q: What's brown and found in nappies? A: Michael Jacksons hand.

Michael Jacksons last request was to be buried at sea, preferably
between two buoys.


----------



## Happy Reaper (2 July 2009)

*Re: Michael Jackson Dead*

Arthur Scargill, who met the late Michael Jackson on several
occasions, expressed his deepest condolences for the legend of
contemporary pop music and recalls fond memories of going down the
shaft and sharing a minors helmet together.

Jockeys at Royal Ascot will wear black armbands out of respect for
Micheal Jackson, who has reportedly ridden more three year olds than
anyone else......

At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to Michael
Jackson’s upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s
been trying to quit for a while.

To commemorate  MJ's death, Kmart decided to do a one time
special...ALL BOYS PANTS HALF OFF!

Whats 5 minus 1? The Jackson 4


----------



## johenmo (2 July 2009)

A chicken was going to cross the road when a duck came running up to it.

"Hey!! Don't cross the road or you'll never hear the end of it!"


----------



## kincella (3 July 2009)

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


----------



## kincella (3 July 2009)

One afternoon a stockbroker was cold calling potential clients about a stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really fly said the broker. It's currently only trading at $1 a share." 

"Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock had jumped to $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right about that stock, I'd like to buy 5000 more shares." 

The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had skyrocketed to $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares," said the client. 

"Wonderful!" said the broker. The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had reached $9. 

Deciding to take advantage of the huge profit he had made in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock." 
..................................................................................................

***ps just wondering if something like this has happened to you....hehehehe


----------



## kincella (3 July 2009)

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for 
his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I 
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images
and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO
WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevins hand in 
his right hand and Waynes hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have 
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life 
after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; 

I would like to do the same."


----------



## trainspotter (7 July 2009)

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh 
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh 
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh 
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh 
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh 
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh 
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh 
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh 
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh 
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh 
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh 
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh 

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!


----------



## nulla nulla (10 July 2009)

My son said he signed on for a new website and chose the word "penis" for his password.
He said his application to join was rejected because his password was too short.


----------



## MrBurns (10 July 2009)

nulla nulla said:


> My son said he signed on for a new website and chose the word "penis" for his password.
> He said his application to join was rejected because his password was too short.




Perhaps he should have used   *blackpenis *    or would that be too long ?


----------



## jbocker (12 July 2009)

An American couple, English Couple and an Aussie couple share a table at breakfast guest room. After a few minutes silence the American says loudly with a smirk on his face to his wife "Could you please pass the honey, Honey!"
After another silent minute the relieved English man asks his wife  more loudly "Could you please pass the sugar, Sugar"!.
Poor Aussie bloke feels much pressure, and then he thinks I got em! Asking his wife even louder.
Could you please pass the Tea ..Bag!


----------



## kincella (20 July 2009)

q...how many arians does it take to change a light bulb....
a ...none ..they are not afraid of the dark
q ..how many pisceans does it take to change a light bulb..
a...none, only the inner light matters 
q...as above for Leos
a...one, to hold it while the world revolves around him or her
q... for   Virgo
a..none... virgo will just sit still, all alone in the dark and suffer
q...for scorpio
a...Who wants to know
q...for capricorns
a...none...they dont waste time with childish jokes
q...for taurus
a...none, taureans dont like to change anything
q...for gemini
a...two, plus a mobile phone, internet link, and a copy of the 'bluffers guide to changing light bulbs


----------



## noirua (22 July 2009)

Oh my god!
http://jokelibrary.blogspot.com/2008/01/things-that-make-you-say-oh-my-god.html


----------



## trainspotter (24 July 2009)

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. 

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. 


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.  

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. 

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. 

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' 

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return  

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. 

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


----------



## Boyou (26 July 2009)

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw --especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Ma."


----------



## donteventryit (27 July 2009)

An old man goes into a drug store. 

'Can I have 6 viagra tablets, cut into quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.' 

'I am 90' said the old man. 'I don't want a full erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'


----------



## trainspotter (28 July 2009)

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador 
in the middle seat next to the man. 

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ? 

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' 

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: 
 Watch this.'   He tells Smithy to 'search'. 

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. 

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. 

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. 

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. 
 The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm. 

The agent says,  'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.' 

'I like it!' says his seat mate. 

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. 

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the 
middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. 

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' 


The agent nervously replies, 


*'He just found a bomb !'*


----------



## Solly (29 July 2009)

Which bank ??

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"


----------



## Solly (29 July 2009)

A financial adviser parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office at Redcliffe to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a B-Double comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught the financial adviser grabs his mobile and calls the Police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the financial adviser starts screaming hysterically: 

"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never by the same again!"

After the financial adviser finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody financial advisers are", he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't even notice anything else in your life".

"How can you say such a thing in a time like this?" snaps the financial adviser.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?".

The financial adviser looks down in absolute horror. "Freaking hell!" he screams, ....."Where's my Rolex!!"


----------



## MrBurns (29 July 2009)

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what an Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny in the front row.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'


----------



## trainspotter (29 July 2009)

Next Prime Minister of Australia that little Johnny !!! LMFAOOOOOO


----------



## 2020hindsight (29 July 2009)

MrBurns said:


> A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.
> 
> .....
> With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'



Reminds me of this one .. 
sheesh thanks god that those days are over !!  "uma lava peasoupo" as they say in Polynesia !! (that for your benefit ts , uma = finished, uma lava = very finished , uma lava peasoupo = literally the pea soup cans are finished = definitively finished !! ) 

George Bush visits Burke school whilst touring Western NSW..
"OK children" says the teacher - "aren't we lucky to have President Bush here with us today.
Well, are there any little questions you'd like to ASK President Bush?"

pregnant pause, Smithy's hand shoots up.

"Yes Smithy?" 

"Mr Bush" says young Smithy, "I've got 3 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did you treat the prisoners so bad ?" - 

Dubya looks uneasy, but fortunately the bell rings for recess. "ok says the teacher - recess!" 

Returning after 20 mins, the teacher again invites questions. "Yes Thommo?"

"Mr Bush" says young Thommo, "I've got 5 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad - ........4. why did the recess bell ring 5 minutes early, and 5. ........what's happened to Smithy??"


----------



## 2020hindsight (29 July 2009)

trainspotter said:


> Next Prime Minister of Australia that little Johnny !!! LMFAOOOOOO



...


----------



## MrBurns (30 July 2009)

***VIRUS WARNING***ALERT***

If you receive an email entitled ”nude photos of Sarah Palin,
don’t open it. It could contain a virus. 



If you receive an email entitled ”nude photos of Julia Gillard,
don’t open it. It could contain nude photos of Julia Gillard.


----------



## MrBurns (1 August 2009)

At the end of this message, you are asked a question. 
Answer it immediately. 
Don't stop and think about it.. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind. 
This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the 'test.' Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised.


Start: How much is: 15 + 6



















21










3 + 56 

































59







89 + 2 







































91







12 + 53 




























































65







75 + 26 











































101





25 + 52 





































































77







63 + 32 



























































95







I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..





Come on, one more! .















123 + 5 






















































128













QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

























Scroll further to the bottom....

































A bit more...

































You just thought about a  red hammer, didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of 
people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you .


----------



## trainspotter (1 August 2009)

LMFAO .... I immediately thought red SHOVEL. 2% te he.


----------



## trainspotter (1 August 2009)

*Stevie Wonder has some words to say about the death of Michael Jackson.*

... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ 

And this 

... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __  made me cry it did.


----------



## jono1887 (1 August 2009)

MrBurns said:


> You just thought about a  red hammer, didn't you?
> 
> If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of
> people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.
> ...




I thought blue hammer.... what does that mean?


----------



## Julia (1 August 2009)

trainspotter said:


> LMFAO .... I immediately thought red SHOVEL. 2% te he.



I thought:  'green trowel'

Trainspotter:  you're apparently amongst the 98%


----------



## trainspotter (1 August 2009)

Am I ??? Oh well ... back to the flock. :sheep: No one is watching until you make a mistake *shrugs*


----------



## MrBurns (1 August 2009)

Tnhere are several explanations, most like this - 



> Answer
> 
> It seems pretty unanimous that the reason this "works" is because Red is usually the color people think of first, and Hammer is the first too.  It also seems pretty unanimous that nowhere near 98% of people answer "red hammer".
> This page has a discussion from a linguist.
> ...


----------



## trainspotter (4 August 2009)

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 

' Ladies and  gentlemen , this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293 , non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth,  uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !' 

Silence followed! 

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 
'Ladies and gentlemen , I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you , a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 


One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis  you should see the back of mine! '


----------



## Ashsaege (4 August 2009)

MrBurns said:


> You just thought about a  red hammer, didn't you?
> 
> If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of
> people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.
> ...




I thought of a green power drill


----------



## jono1887 (4 August 2009)

After a flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

' Ladies and gentlemen , this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293 , non-stop from Sydney to LA . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and enjoy the trip'

moments later the pilot speaks to his co-pilot with the intercom still on

'you know what I'd like right now... a cup of coffee and a blowjob!

Instantly, a flight attendant runs towards the front of the plane to inform the pilot the intercom is still on. 

As she runs past, a male passenger yells at her - 'don't forget the coffee!'


----------



## Sean K (7 August 2009)

Not sure if this has been posted.

I am in tears. 


Post Flight Form*

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots
review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas'
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S)
by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


----------



## kincella (7 August 2009)

I am a black screwdriver person myself


----------



## Trevor_S (7 August 2009)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## mini696 (7 August 2009)

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."


----------



## MrBurns (7 August 2009)

Rural Australian Computer Terminology


LOG ON:                       Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF:                      Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR:                    Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD:                 Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE:                Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD:                   Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW:                     What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN:                       What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE:                           What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE:                   What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP:                           A pub snack.
MICROCHIP:                 What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM:                       What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP:                       Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE:                   Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster. 
HARDWARE:                  Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE:                        The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME:                 What holds the shed up.
WEB:                           What spiders make.
WEBSITE:                     Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE:           What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR:                      What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO:                        What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE:                     A steep hill..
SERVER:                        The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER:                The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER:                           The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK:                    What you do when you need to repair the yabby net.
INTERNET:                    Where you want the yabbies to go. 
NETSCAPE:                    What the yabbies do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE:                        Where you hang the washing.  
OFFLINE:                       Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


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## trainspotter (10 August 2009)

*A CATTLE DOG STORY - An oldie but a GOODY !*

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,

I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters". 

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia. 

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle

dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback

country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set

off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer". 

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best

coming up"

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and

chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a

drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a

grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the

cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments

later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the

dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went

back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen

came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the

barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" 

*
"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog

in the bar with two arseholes".*


----------



## Buddy (13 August 2009)

Facebook....careful what you say, and to whom.......


----------



## trainspotter (18 August 2009)

*One of the funniest stories I have read for a looooooong time*.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Erin. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" 
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.
Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my 
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. 
"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...


----------



## LeeTV (19 August 2009)

*GOLF NEWS*

In the golfing world, Nick Faldo's old caddy Fanny Sunesson is to marry masters champion V J Singh. At the press conference V J Singh commented "I'm hoping to make her Fanny Singh by Christmas".


----------



## Edwood (25 August 2009)




----------



## GumbyLearner (27 August 2009)

This is funny! Well I thought it was.

A good tune adapted to modern times!


----------



## nulla nulla (27 August 2009)

Usain Bolt was interviewed by the media after his record breaking 100 metre race. "Can you describe the race to us". asked the interviewer?

Bolton replied "Well it was neck to neck there for a while and I was getting worried......then the gun went off".


----------



## Zird (27 August 2009)

https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=32678&stc=1&d=1251339647


----------



## Quincy (29 August 2009)

*Banking crisis explained*




 Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.   The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  
 The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
 Chuck  replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'  
 The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'  
 Chuck  said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'  
 The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?  
 Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'  
 The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'  
 Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'  
 Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'  
 The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'  
 Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back   his two dollars.'
 Chuck now works for NAB


----------



## Quincy (30 August 2009)

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following : - 

A litre of milk 
A carton of eggs 
A carton of orange juice 
A 250 gram package of bacon 
A head of lettuce 
A 1 kilo can of coffee 


As I was unloading my items onto the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. 

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'


----------



## Chris45 (30 August 2009)

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.' 

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


----------



## mastatrada (30 August 2009)

A guy is driving around the back woods of  Tennessee and he sees a sign  in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For  Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the  backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.  But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.


----------



## donteventryit (31 August 2009)

*Why men don't write advice columns*

Dear Robert,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 minutes down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. 

He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


******************************


Dear Sheila, 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. 

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Robert


----------



## donteventryit (31 August 2009)

*Frying pan mystery*

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, whilst watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more to Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter said" I know what you must be thinking, but Simon and I are just good flatmates" 

About a week latter Simon came to Peter saying "Ever since your mother came for dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan - you dont suppose she took it do you?"' Well I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure" Peter said. So he sat down and wrote: 

Dear Mother, 

I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house and I'm not saying you did not take the frying pan from my house. The fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. 

Love Peter. 

Several days later, peter received an email from his mother, which read: 

Dear Peter, 

I'm not saying that you _*do* _sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you _*do not *_sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. 

Love Mother.


----------



## Edwood (1 September 2009)

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you ********?" 

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter............

"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"


----------



## trainspotter (4 September 2009)

Colour Test ~ These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease.. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions! It's harder than it seems, as it should be. A brain waker-upper for today!

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf


----------



## MrBurns (4 September 2009)

trainspotter said:


> Colour Test ~ These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease.. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!
> 
> It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions! It's harder than it seems, as it should be. A brain waker-upper for today!
> 
> http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf




Took me about 10 times, but then I'm drinking.


----------



## jono1887 (4 September 2009)

trainspotter said:


> Colour Test ~ These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease.. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!
> 
> It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions! It's harder than it seems, as it should be. A brain waker-upper for today!
> 
> http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf




got 0% the first 2 times  but 100% on the 3rd...


----------



## MrBurns (6 September 2009)

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported 
his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery, concluding with this case study: 

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana 
and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles an hour. 
All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass.   
I was able to put them together and now she's Deputy Prime Minister of Australia." 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Postal Service Recall 

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Kevin Rudd.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.  This enraged the Prime  Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a
special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. 

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.


----------



## Harleyquin (6 September 2009)

Man's right of reply

If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one . 
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials... 
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. 
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that. 
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
You have enough clothes. 
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 
Thank you for reading this. 
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


----------



## Edwood (15 September 2009)

A bloke is sitting in the bar in the departure lounge at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leaned across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

Then he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Jetstar'


----------



## Riddick (15 September 2009)

trainspotter said:


> Colour Test ~ These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease.. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!
> 
> It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions! It's harder than it seems, as it should be. A brain waker-upper for today!
> 
> http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf




nice one. got 100% five times in a row. apparently I am a master right and left brain something or other. anyone got any problems in ther life that need to be solved, maybe riddick could be your answer?


----------



## Riddick (15 September 2009)

MrBurns said:


> At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
> Answer it immediately.
> Don't stop and think about it.. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
> This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the 'test.' Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised.
> ...






A blue chisel. i like these games.


----------



## plankton (17 September 2009)

Diary of a Perth Summer.

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise **** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th: 
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my **** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ****, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th: 
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my **** out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*cking kidding me!!


----------



## Chris45 (17 September 2009)

Diary of a Canadian winter.

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I absolutely love it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I really do love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I really love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F*cking snow plough!

Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry F*cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*cking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time.  Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That f*cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f*cking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f*cking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that f*cking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada.


----------



## 3 veiws of a secret (17 September 2009)

I remember my merchant banker mate telling meon the phone from London  the lastest in jokes during the credit crunch last year'ish.........


1-What's the capital of Iceland?     reply    NIL!

another vague one .....

2-Who can leave a deposit on a brand new Ferrari ...a merchant banker , Stockbroker or a pidgeon?
......reply.....
A pidgeon leaves a full deposit everytime......


----------



## jbocker (1 October 2009)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. 

I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did"?


----------



## jono1887 (1 October 2009)

jbocker said:


> A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
> 
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
> 
> ...




I dont get it


----------



## pacestick (1 October 2009)

The chicken is dead  in the fridge waiting to be cooked how would you feel if you were the parrot


----------



## Riddick (1 October 2009)

jono1887 said:


> I dont get it





you are kidding right?


----------



## nunthewiser (1 October 2009)

The chicken didnt cross the road?


----------



## skyQuake (1 October 2009)

The chicken is skinned, decapitated, had stuff shoved up its ***, feet chopped off...
Now that parrot would be quite scared


----------



## jono1887 (1 October 2009)

skyQuake said:


> The chicken is skinned, decapitated, had stuff shoved up its ***, feet chopped off...
> Now that parrot would be quite scared




ahh.. ok ok, i get it now...


----------



## jbocker (3 October 2009)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a 
show in a small town in Blonzville. With his dummy on his knee, he starts 
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the fourth 
row stands on her chair and starts shouting:


"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think 
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's 
hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work 
and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. 
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against 
not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde 
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** 
on your knee."


----------



## Chris45 (3 October 2009)

Awesome Answering Machine Message From Queensland Maroochydore High School

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU

If ONLY this were true! 

Unfortunately:   http://www.sunshinecoastdaily.com.au/story/2009/09/17/school-phone-message-hoax/


----------



## MrBurns (3 October 2009)

Chris45 said:


> Awesome Answering Machine Message From Queensland Maroochydore High School
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU
> 
> ...




I like this - 



> If you want this in another language move to a country that speaks it


----------



## Quincy (4 October 2009)

*Scottish short joke*

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv inny books on suicide?' 

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'


----------



## MrBurns (4 October 2009)

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
-------------------------------

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

---------------------------------

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss. 

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

-------------------------------

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

-------------------------------

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

----------------------------

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

--------------------------

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

----------------------------
Adelaide:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 -------------------------

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

--------------------------------------

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

--------------------------


money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

---------------------------

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


THE END........................


----------



## arae (5 October 2009)

A friend once said to me "When a black man becomes President of the US, pigs will fly". Sure enough, 100 days later, swine flu.

The Washington Redskins have been forced to change their name as it causes offense to native Indians. From now on, they will be known as the Merryland Redskins.


----------



## jbocker (6 October 2009)

Tighten What!!?










Dont say you were not warned before boarding this boat...


----------



## roland (8 October 2009)

Someone just sent me an email with 'Tenjewberrymuds'  at the bottom, well just had to Google it:

TENJEWBERRYMUDS


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."


Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"


G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


RS: "Ow July den?"


G: "What??"


RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"


G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."


RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"


G: "Crisp will be fine."


RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"


G: "What?"


RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"


G: "I don't think so."


RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"


G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"


G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."


RS: "We bodder?"


G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."


RS: "Wad?"


G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."


RS: "Copy?"


G: "Excuse me?"


RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"


G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."


RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"


G: "Whatever you say."


RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."


----------



## jbocker (10 October 2009)

The Bathtub Test​
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'


----------



## Chris45 (11 October 2009)

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f*ckin’ Arabs!..."


----------



## Gordon Gekko (11 October 2009)

So a young lady is in Tiffany's leaning over a glass display case admiring a necklace when all off a sudden she squeeks out a little fart. She then turns around to see a sales agent, she is very embarrassed but the agent is cool as a cucumber so she doesn't think he noticed.
She then asked the agent how much for such a lovely necklace?

The agent then replies,
Lady if you farted just looking at it you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price.

G


----------



## jbocker (11 October 2009)

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and f*rted whenever he wanted.

THE END


----------



## Dark1975 (13 October 2009)

With Oil prices heading up at this rate!
I'm sure the U.S are going to invade Iran
Sorry bad humour


----------



## jbocker (13 October 2009)

Murder at Woolworths

So, here's the story  Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy 
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a 
large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then 
arranging to have her killed. 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side 
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' 
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a 
spouse was $5,000. 

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he 
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's 
insurance money. 

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man 
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested 
inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to 
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. 

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths 
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to 
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew 
her last breath & slumped to the floor........ 

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the 
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie 
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.  

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the 
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, 
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested 
before he could even leave the store. 

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie 
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial 
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .... 

*'Artie Chokes 2 for $1.00 at Woolworths!'*


----------



## jbocker (23 October 2009)

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation while visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died from a heart attack.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Australian Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back home for a proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that sending a body back to the States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,350.00. The Consul then advised that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body there. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That is what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, said "You must have respected your mother-in-law very much, considering the cost."
"Well," says George, "I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just aint taking that chance!"


----------



## MrBurns (23 October 2009)

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said: 

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." 

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." 

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" 

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd." 

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" 

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." 

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."


----------



## MrBurns (23 October 2009)

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL". 

NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. 




 .


----------



## GeoffM (23 October 2009)

Anna lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but she didn't know anyone. 

Her daughter replied, "Mum, I have someone for you to meet."

It was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. .

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" .

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." ..

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night. ..

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. 

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."


----------



## Chris45 (24 October 2009)

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.


----------



## jbocker (27 October 2009)

Men Remember Anniversaries.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies. 


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'


----------



## GumbyLearner (27 October 2009)

Why can't lawyers have sex with their clients?

Because you cannot bill your client twice for the same service.


----------



## Da Cat (27 October 2009)

so so cringeable (and wrong) but pretty funny all the same....
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh haming it up:

In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test." 

The Prince angered local residents in Lockerbie when on a visit to the town in 1993, he said to a man who lived in a road where 11 people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle." 

During a Royal visit to China in 1986 he described Peking as "ghastly" and told British students: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed." 

He said of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves." 

At the height of the recession in 1981 he said: "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." 

In 1966 he provoked outrage by saying: "British women can't cook." 

Another jab to the Chinese came at a World Wildlife Fund dinner: “If it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Chinese will eat it.” 

To an Australian Aborigine he met in 2002, Philip asked: “Still throwing spears?”


----------



## nomore4s (27 October 2009)

Da Cat said:


> so so cringeable (and wrong) but pretty funny all the same....
> Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh haming it up:
> 
> In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test."
> ...




lol, the George W Bush of England


----------



## Edwood (27 October 2009)




----------



## mastatrada (28 October 2009)

nomore4s said:


> lol, the George W Bush of England




I disagree, his faux pas are way wittier than that retarded redneck dubya, and most importantly he's not actually in charge of running a country like bush was!


----------



## mastatrada (29 October 2009)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you”


----------



## Chris45 (30 October 2009)

*What's your dog up to when it's home alone?*


----------



## Chris45 (4 November 2009)

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute asylum seeker outside the Immigration Offices in Sydney.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --*PING!!!* He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'. 

The claimant now got bolder. 

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the North Shore with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

*PING!* - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a luxury 4WD, full of his relatives playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. 

I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, an Aussie accent, and I want to have white skin like the Australians..'

*PING!* - The man was instantly transformed and found himself wearing worn out jeans from Best And Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a pair of cheap joggers. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What the bloody hell's happened to my new teeth?' he screamed. 'Where's my new bloody house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough ****! Now that you're an Australian, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!


----------



## 2020hindsight (12 November 2009)

I notice Ozwaveguy quoting Alan Jones on another thread. 
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=509594

Personally I'd probably listen to anything else - but I do concede I was walking through the factory the other day and the lads had Alan Jones on the radio - and he came up with this joke ...

This fisherman was returning to port loaded down with codfish, when he was caught in a terrible storm. A wave came over the side, and was about to wash him over to a watery grave, when he reached out and caught a case of fish. It slipped over the side as he grabbed it, but he was able to lever against it and stay aboard. 

And as he watched the case floating away, he said to himself ..

"There, but for the case of cod, go I".


----------



## bunyip (15 November 2009)

There's a new party game that's all the rage.

The men and women all go into the same room.
The women line up against the wall and remove all their clothes.
The men line up against the opposite wall and remove all their clothes.
On the count of three, the men and the women all run towards each other flat out.
The first correct entry wins.


----------



## Boggo (15 November 2009)

The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"


----------



## bunyip (15 November 2009)

And then there were the two men who were married to the same woman.
The marriage didn't work out too well though - they found they just couldn't get on together!


----------



## bunyip (15 November 2009)

A young nun becomes disillusioned with convent life. 
She goes to the Mother Superior and tells her she's resigning.

The Mother Superior says _'But my child - you've been with us since you left school, you know no other line of work. How on earth will you earn a living'?_

The young nun replies _'Well Mother, I've given that some thought and I don't think it will be a problem - I've decided to become a prostitute'._

The Mother Superior is shocked. She clutches a hand to her heart and says _'You've decided to become a *WHAT*'????!!!!_

The young nun calmly repeats _'I've decided to become a prostitute'._

_'Oh, thank goodness for that'_ exclaims the Mother Superior - _'for one horrible moment there I thought you said you'd decided to become a Protestant'!_


----------



## Timmy (20 November 2009)

Q: How do you price carbon in an ETS?

A: Use an Al Goreithm


sorry


----------



## bloomy88 (20 November 2009)

Timmy said:


> Q: How do you price carbon in an ETS?
> 
> A: Use an Al Goreithm
> 
> ...




lol i think it's a good one


----------



## Timmy (28 November 2009)

If this is the joke thread then I should really just type in:
Fox "News".

What a joke.

Anyway, here is a nice example from the clowns, see attachment.

And there's a video of the newsreader solemnly reading out the figures from the teleprompter, here:
http://flowingdata.com/2009/11/26/fox-news-makes-the-best-pie-chart-ever/


----------



## nulla nulla (28 November 2009)

Only in America can the sum of the parts be greater than the hole.


----------



## bloomy88 (30 November 2009)

Heard this one today:

An Irishman get's a 20 piece puzzle which takes him 9 months to finish

He tells his friend he is happy he finished it so quickly

His friend asks "why's that?"

He says "because on the box it said it was for 4-6 years"

Poor gag but pretty nifty lol


----------



## jbocker (30 November 2009)

Spoke to a blond the other day who said the capital of California was 'C'.


----------



## Timmy (10 December 2009)

If Fox "News" didn't exist, someone would have to invent it.

Source:
http://paul.kedrosky.com/


----------



## Julia (10 December 2009)

Timmy, don't you think that if a poll were taken in Australia today, asking that question, the results would be pretty close to what's quoted above?


----------



## Timmy (11 December 2009)

Julia said:


> Timmy, don't you think that if a poll were taken in Australia today, asking that question, the results would be pretty close to what's quoted above?




Plug the numbers into your calculator Julia 
(Add them up)


----------



## GumbyLearner (11 December 2009)

Timmy said:


> Plug the numbers into your calculator Julia
> (Add them up)




Yeah that's as funny as **** like this site!

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/


----------



## Julia (11 December 2009)

Timmy said:


> Plug the numbers into your calculator Julia
> (Add them up)




Oh dear!   I'm duly mortified and embarrassed.  Just glanced at the ratios.


----------



## Investor82 (11 December 2009)

Julia said:


> Oh dear!   I'm duly mortified and embarrassed.  Just glanced at the ratios.




Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader? 

Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause? 
Santa stops at three ho's.


----------



## Julia (11 December 2009)

Investor82 said:


> Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader?
> 
> Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause?
> Santa stops at three ho's.



You might explain the connection between glancing at percentages about public opinions, and being a successful trader?

And/or the connection between Tiger Woods and Santa *Claus*
joke (?) and being a successful trader.


----------



## Investor82 (14 December 2009)

Julia said:


> You might explain the connection between glancing at percentages about public opinions, and being a successful trader?
> 
> And/or the connection between Tiger Woods and Santa *Claus*
> joke (?) and being a successful trader.





Julia - sorry - I hope i didnt offend, certainly not my intention. I was having a laugh, because I didnt pick up on the percentages calculation either. I was joking that if your good at maths you wont be much good at trading. It was funny in my head. 

no connection between tiger, and trading - it was just my random joke of the day.


----------



## Julia (14 December 2009)

Investor82 said:


> Julia - sorry - I hope i didnt offend, certainly not my intention. I was having a laugh, because I didnt pick up on the percentages calculation either. I was joking that if your good at maths you wont be much good at trading. It was funny in my head.
> 
> no connection between tiger, and trading - it was just my random joke of the day.



Thanks for explaining.  Certainly not offended, just a bit puzzled.


----------



## Wysiwyg (14 December 2009)

Investor82 said:


> Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader?
> 
> Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause?
> Santa stops at three ho's.




I got a grin out of it Inv. 82.


----------



## Investor82 (14 December 2009)

Goodo - Carry on!

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.  Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


:


----------



## McCoy Pauley (14 December 2009)

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.I'm smart and will answer the question.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."


Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. 


Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."


Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. 


When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


----------



## derty (19 December 2009)

.


----------



## derty (19 December 2009)

My how meanings change.


----------



## Sir Osisofliver (14 January 2010)

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally..... 

'Circumcised' 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. 
She went back to find out what was going on. 
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. 
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. 
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.   

He did and returned to his class. 
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. 
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school


----------



## Bronte (18 March 2010)

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.   

On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town , stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. 

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar , who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him  "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the  motel owner with the $100.

The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government's stimulus package works.


----------



## Timmy (30 March 2010)

A woman went to a pet shop &  immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'That's really not so bad, actually it's kind of cute.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,  'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'


----------



## nomore4s (13 April 2010)

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints 

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' 

The barman noticed  them, went berserk, and threw them out. 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'


----------



## nomore4s (13 April 2010)

A guy goes to  the Post Office to apply for a job.     
The interviewer  asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"  
He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."  
"Have you  ever been in the military service?"  
"Yes,"  he says, "I was in Iraq  for two years."  
The interviewer  says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."  
Then he asks,  "Are you disabled in any way?"  
The guy says,  "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles..  
The interviewer  grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire  you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start  tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."  
The guy is  puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,  why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"  
"This is a  government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we  just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you  coming in for that


----------



## newbie trader (13 April 2010)

Probably one of the funniest jokes you'll read on this thread:

Why are maths books so sad?

BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT SO MANY PROBLEMS!


----------



## jancha (13 April 2010)

I don't think i'm racist but i do find this one amusing.
I'll leave it up to the Mods to screen it.

An Aboriginal walks into a Doctors surgery with a Galah on his head.
The doctor asks what can i do for you?
The Galah replies "Would you mind getting this black head off my foot"


----------



## trainspotter (27 April 2010)

Pakistani gets killed and ends up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter asks him what is he doing there? 

"I am here for Jesus" is the reply.

St. Peter turns his head and yells at the top of his lungs "JESUS .... your taxi is here!"


----------



## trainspotter (6 May 2010)

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Kevin Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what a Kevin Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Kevin Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Kevin Rudd fan?' 
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Liberal.' 
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. 
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.' 
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' 
Little Johnny replied, 'A Kevin Rudd fan.'


----------



## Buckfont (20 May 2010)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he replied.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep. 3 males and 2 females," he retorted.
Intrigued she asked him how he knew the difference.
"Oh that`s easy," he replied.

3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.


----------



## trainspotter (21 May 2010)

*Re: Adam Goodes article - Indigenous Round Footy*

*** NEWS FLASH .......NEWS FLASH ***

Fremantle Football Club has been rocked by a drug scandal. 

After investigations by the AFL Commission suggested that a Fremantle player was involved in the use of illegal drugs, the AFL have taken a hardnosed approach to the problem and stripped the Fremantle Football Club of ALL awards won over the past 15 years. 

The AFL Commissioner was seen leaving Fremantle Oval this morning with:

· 15 participation certificates. 
· 3 junior whopper with cheese value meal vouchers. 
· 7 chocolate frogs. 

Insiders close to the club, state that the club is devastated.


----------



## trainspotter (24 May 2010)

We all remember the KFC
"Hillary Clinton Meal:"
small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an
addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket: 
It consists of left wings and an asshole.


----------



## gav (24 May 2010)

trainspotter said:


> It consists of left wings and an asshole.




You mean there is a difference between the two? :


----------



## GumbyLearner (24 May 2010)

A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Melbourne courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Richmond football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.


----------



## newbie trader (24 May 2010)

GumbyLearner said:


> A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Melbourne courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
> 
> The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
> 
> ...




hhahahahahahahahahahaha that is excellent hahaha


----------



## explod (24 May 2010)

Not only has Professor Robots returned unscathed after his holidays from ASF but I have a strong feeling he will in due course replace Joe and then close down all threads that do not have a property ramping content.

cheers explod


----------



## newbie trader (25 May 2010)

What has 36 legs and can't climb a ladder?

Richmond Tigers.


----------



## jbocker (26 May 2010)

Speaking of footy...

An Aussie watching the footy on TV7 kept switching to the SBS channel which was showing a raunchy movie featuring a lusty couple having sex.  

"I don't know whether to watch them or the football," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife  said. "You already know how to play football"


----------



## jancha (26 May 2010)

Read this one in the Walkabout Creek Hotel last week.

WORLD ANNUAL ASSERTIVE WOMENS CONFERENCE.

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said '' During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands".

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington,that i would no longer cook for him and he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, i saw nothing. The second day, i saw nothing, but on the third day i saw he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

( The crowd cheered)

The second lady from Russia, stood up and said, " After last year's conference, i went home and told my husband, Ivan, that i would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

The first day i saw nothing. After the second day, i saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had not only done his own washing, but mine as well".

( The crowd cheered)

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said, "After lass years conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines,
Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucking and washin his undawear and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. 

( The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted five minutes!)

She continued. " Afta da first day,I nevah see nuffin..Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see just a little bit outa my left eye'.


----------



## GumbyLearner (29 May 2010)

*Tigers end drought with mauling of Power*

IT TOOK 10 rounds but Richmond has registered its first win for the season, downing a disappointing Port Adelaide by 47 points in horrendous conditions at AAMI Stadium on Saturday afternoon.

http://www.afl.com.au/news/newsarticle/tabid/208/newsid/95270/default.aspx

I'm sure the Port coach will not be happy tonight.


----------



## seamisty (29 May 2010)

Not sure if this one will pass the cenorship!!

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.

As he jumps out of the Caprice, Kevvy looks over the Lake & notices that someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message............"KEVVY SUCKS".



Kevvy is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" & to report within two weeks.



Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says...."our investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news, bad news & terribly bad shocking news".



Well says Kevvy, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says..."We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".



Well says Kevvy what's the bad news?



The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.



Looking pale, Kevvy says" & what is the terribly bad shocking news?"



The ASIO chief replies...." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".


----------



## seamisty (29 May 2010)

While I'm pushing my luck I'll go for a double!!
Australia Post created a New stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as Requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry 
Finding. 




The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not  Sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full  Investigation. 
After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings: 


  1)  The stamp is in perfect order.
  2)  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3)  People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.


----------



## trainspotter (4 June 2010)

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front 
Of  her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures;
 in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

 Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead
 car stepped a well attired blonde grinning man.

 "Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd. What do you have in
 the basket?" he asked.

 "Kittens," little Suzy said.

 "How old are they?" asked Mr Rudd

 Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

 "And what kind of kittens are they?"

 "Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

 Mr Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his

 PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
 Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime
 Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled
 media, have the child talk about her discerning kittens. So the next
 day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE
 KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans
 from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly
 set up, then PM Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

 "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends
 out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

 "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

 Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But... but..
 yesterday, you told me they were Labor."

* Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes
 open."*


----------



## GumbyLearner (5 June 2010)

Guys who have roughed it!


----------



## pacestick (17 July 2010)

facts about chuck norris 

Chuck Norris doesnt do press ups he presses down the earth

The giraffe was created when chuck Norris gave an uppercut to a donkey

Once the whole of France of watched a Chuck Norris  movie and then surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be safe


----------



## Beenjammin (30 August 2010)

*Target marketing: Example*

Ensuring your advertising budget is well spent is a major concern for
most marketing directors. Fortunatley, the gurus at News Ltd's "the
Australian" website are on the ball.....(see attached)


----------



## jbocker (31 August 2010)

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and a few kilo's since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.


----------



## jbocker (1 September 2010)

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'


----------



## trainspotter (10 September 2010)

Julia Gillard was visiting a primary school in Tasmania.

One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Julia  if she would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.

‘No,’ said Gillard ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’.

‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Gillard ‘that’s what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mr. Gillard  was struck by a ‘friendly fire’
missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Gillard . ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f*cking accident either!’


----------



## Boggo (10 September 2010)

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him doing a sexy striptease in front of his farm machinery, Mick says "what da divil are ya doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "well me and the wife haven't been getting on lately and me therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor"


----------



## Quincy (26 October 2010)

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. 

How could anyone stoop so low?  :dunno:


----------



## Mofra (26 October 2010)

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."


----------



## trainspotter (1 November 2010)

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving from 
Sydney.

She turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a 
conversation with your fellow passengers.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly  and said 
to Gillard, 'o.k., what would you like to talk about?'

  'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health care', 
and she smiles smugly.

  OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But  let me ask 
you  a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same 
stuff - grass.  Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow turns 
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global
warming or health care when you don't know ****?'


----------



## Boggo (1 November 2010)

While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver".
I thought, "What a ******* great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"


----------



## Happy (2 November 2010)

Boggo said:


> While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver".
> I thought, "What a ******* great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"




What is funny that 24 hours went past and nobody called you   r a c i s t   yet.


----------



## nomore4s (22 November 2010)

Hahaha, this is the way to sell a car.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/FULLY-SICK-S...rucks_Commercial_Vehicles&hash=item35ad6e7ed6


----------



## burglar (3 December 2010)

Patient to Proctologist: " Can you use two fingers?"

Proctologist to Patient: " Why?"

Patient to Proctologist: " My wife wants me to get a second opinion?"


----------



## burglar (3 December 2010)

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


"Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my **** was not as fortunate..

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ****.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my **** was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ****.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?"


----------



## burglar (6 December 2010)

Don't flame me, it's only humour!


  Simple maths over the past 40 years and beyond. 



  1.  Teaching Maths in 1970

 A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

 What is his profit? 





 2. Teaching Maths In 1980

 A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

 His cost of production is 80% of the price.

 What is his profit? 





 3.  Teaching Maths In 1990

 A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

 His cost of production is $80.

 How much was his profit? 





 4. Teaching Maths In 2000

 A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. 

 His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. 



Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 







 5.  Teaching Maths In 2005

 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. 
Your assignment:  Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20. 







 6. Teaching Maths In 2009 

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license.  He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.  He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.  His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.  He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100. 

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash.  They also have a BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.  The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence.  He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. 
Your assignment:  How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work; he should give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?







 7.  Teaching Maths In 2010

 A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.  The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on hi s old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.  Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road.  They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.  If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense.  Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again.  The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

 The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap.  The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

 You do the maths. 







 8.  Teaching Maths in 2017

 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
 ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟


----------



## nomore4s (16 December 2010)

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?"


----------



## pixel (17 December 2010)

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have...

* Disturbed You,
* Troubled You,
* Pestered You,
* Irritated You,
* Bugged You,
* Or simply got on your Nerves!!

So today, I just wanted to tell you…





Suck it up, Buttercup!!

Cause *THERE AIN'T NO CHANGES* planned for 2011!!


----------



## breaker (20 December 2010)

Get home safely, use the beer scooter. 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night 
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you 
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to 
your house. 

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer 
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: 
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the 
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. 

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their 
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. 
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' 

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are 
thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified 
Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top 
of your head. 

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of 
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. 

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell 
happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal f Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. 

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause 
the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the 
passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. 

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). 
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. 
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is 
the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. 

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to 
comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


----------



## burglar (22 December 2010)

Christmas Greeting To All My Friends.... 


I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on their advice I wish to say the following: 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, 
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices 
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. 

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. 

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message.


----------



## nomore4s (24 December 2010)

Hahaha, love how the wipers keep coming on.


----------



## Solly (8 January 2011)

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. 

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of panadols and a glass of water on the side table. 

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. 

He takes the panadols and notices a note on the table. 

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!" 

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. 

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". 

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!" 

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes 'n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"


----------



## pixel (9 January 2011)

THE DECISION  

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."  

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."  

The man perks up at this.  
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. 
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."  

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"  
"I have," says the man.  
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"  
"She has," says the man.  
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. 
"We're getting a new kitchen."


----------



## pixel (9 January 2011)

THE SCOTTISH COW 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so  they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever  the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. 

The people were very upset and decided to go  to  the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." 

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:  
"My wife is from Scotland"


----------



## nomore4s (27 January 2011)

Serious streaker fail.

Be warned there is a tiny tiny bit of nudity if you squint just right


----------



## GumbyLearner (28 January 2011)




----------



## trainspotter (23 February 2011)

*The Balloonist & The Engineer*

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:  'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.’

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metre above the ground. You're between 25 and 26 degrees South latitude and between 27 and 28 degrees East longitude.' 

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.  

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'  

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I do not understand your answer & I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'  

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'  

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'  

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

*The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, now it's my fault!*


----------



## tothemax6 (23 February 2011)

trainspotter said:


> *The Balloonist & The Engineer*
> 
> A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
> 
> ...



Thankyou for that .

The joke should probably also include some humorous play on the fact that the manager also gets paid much more than the engineer for this farce.


----------



## trainspotter (3 March 2011)

A Polish immigrant goes into Specsavers for an eye test.

The Optician shows him the test card with:

*C Z W J X N Y S A C Z*

and asks him: 'Can you read that?'

The Pole says 'read it?'

'I know the prick!'

(Apologies for any racist overtones or reaction from the Polish Peoples Liberation Front)


----------



## ChaoSI (3 March 2011)

okay i'll say that this one is a little lame... but i have the moderating benefit  (if it can be called that) of being able to say that i actually made this one up  so this is an original...




what do you call a piece of headwear that really bothers you?



disturban


----------



## breaker (3 March 2011)

Whats disturban is you may not have taken todays medication


----------



## square44 (4 March 2011)

Did you hear the story about the giraffe?
Forget it its too long...


----------



## trainspotter (4 March 2011)

Not really a joke but funny nonetheless.

Laying in bed with Mrs Train last night and a "chirp chirp chirp" cricket starts up.

We search high and low for this cricket and finally figure out it is up in the ceiling.

Start hitting the ceiling with my hands to try and dislodge the cricket from it's perch and stop it's annoying "chirp chirp chirp" .

All to no avail.

I turned to Mrs Train and said "You know what will fix that?"

Mrs Train said "No ...... what?"

I said ..................... "A cricket bat !"

We rolled around laughing at my stoooopid joke (we were both very tired).

Finally stopped giggling and gues what ?

Mr cricket had shut the hell up !

Moral of the story. Laughter cures everything.


----------



## trainspotter (6 March 2011)

You just gotta love Facebook


----------



## trainspotter (16 March 2011)




----------



## ChaoSI (16 March 2011)

trainspotter said:


> View attachment 41891




HOLY CRAP!!!  IT TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THE CHICK'S NAKED!!!!
that's incredible!!!!

first reaction was ".... wait.. i don't get it.. why's the chick naked?" then i read the caption.....


----------



## trainspotter (6 April 2011)

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.                               

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


----------



## JTLP (6 April 2011)

Classic moments - First Chorus and from 2:02 onwards...


----------



## Glen48 (6 April 2011)

This prawn and a crab want to marry but the prawns Father won't let them because the crab walks side ways any way after a long period of time the crab turns up and walk straight to the Prawn and her father The prawn races over jumping up and down over joyed how did you do it she asks the crab her replies shut up I pissed


----------



## Boggo (7 April 2011)

"OK honey, I said I was sorry, you can come out now"

.


----------



## nulla nulla (8 April 2011)

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. 


The only question asked was:- 
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" 

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:  
1.      In Eastern Europe they didn't  know what "honest" meant. 
2.     In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 
3.     In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 
4.     In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 
5.     In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 
6.     In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 
7.     In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 
8.    In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


----------



## trainspotter (13 April 2011)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda 

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!   

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!   
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 

*I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!   *

*There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! *

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! 

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless..  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig? 

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody els e called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are. 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! 

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to waitALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks! 

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!     

And our parents told us to stay outside and play.... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside.... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on..  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!   

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in my time  or any time before!


----------



## jbocker (14 April 2011)

trainspotter said:


> ....
> See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in my time  or any time before!




Yeahhhh you should listen to uncle Trainy, we also had 1 (yes ONE - I am not kidding) TV in the house, and most of those were black and white. AAAAND that (ONE) phone was stuck in the house it was mobile for about a metre. A camera had a roll of film  that YOU had to put in it and get it developed which had to be sent interstate and took 4 weeks to return 12 24 or a massive 36 pictures, cost you a months pocket money too. And if you said sh*t or f**k (even if you were hit by a truck or something) you never saw the light of day for a week. 

The only saving grace was if your dog dropped some 'barkers eggs' on someone elses lawn you didnt have to pick it up.

I know this is the JOKE thread but we aint joking.


----------



## Happy (15 April 2011)

Quite funny that no jokes are allowed in jokes thread!


----------



## nomore4s (15 April 2011)

Man you blokes must be old:


----------



## Happy (15 April 2011)

Just spinning a little bit more, into the future.

Imagine poor little kid of the future generation with spoiled rotten parents, that give no **** about nothing.

Kids will have to fend for themselves, probably living on pizza scraps and half empty coke bottles, hoping that soiled nappy dries out before they have another leak.


----------



## Calliope (15 April 2011)

Not a joke...just entertaining.[video]http://youtu.be/SUNmLuNdiL8[/video]


----------



## sptrawler (15 April 2011)

trainspotter said:


> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
> 
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
> 
> ...




Luxury, when I was a lad, we lived in a ole in the road. LOL.

someone with better internet skills than I could add the pertinent skit.
But I must agree there was nothing worse than playing your favorite tape in the car and when you ejected half the tape was still in the dashboard.


----------



## Glen48 (16 April 2011)

The record companies must have made a firtune selling the same song to us 10 times firts it was Vinyl  33 1/3 or 45 , reel to reel/ Cassettes / 8 track/cd/ mp3/ itunes and other down loads.


----------



## joea (21 April 2011)

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, 
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What are all those clocks."?

St.Peter answered,"Those are lie clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth
has a lie clock. Every time you lie, the hand on the clock move.

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that."?

Thats Mother Teresa's, replied St. Peter. The hands have never moved.
Indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that.
St Peter responded "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us  that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.

Where's Julia Gillard's clock?. asked the man.

St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He is using it as a ceiling fan".


----------



## Glen48 (21 April 2011)

This mouse is in a bar when a Miss Giraffe walks in the mouse slides over and goes to work and off they go the next night the mouse in back in the bar eyes hanging out, only just able to walk ,compltly worn out , the bar asked you must of  had a good night 
 the mouse replies between the kissin' and f**" I must have run about 100 miles.


----------



## Glen48 (21 April 2011)

The  Philosophy of Ambiguity 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1.  DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 

11.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



13.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14.  WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 

15.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25...  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?  

32.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD!


----------



## burglar (21 April 2011)

Glen48 said:


> 25...  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? ...




Nah, you just use split screen!

Hi Glen48,

Luv this stuff, 

Thanks

99... How many syllables are there in the word monosyllable?


----------



## joea (21 April 2011)

joea said:


> CLOCKS IN HEAVEN
> 
> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
> he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What are all those clocks."?
> ...




Well I thought somebody may have asked where wayne swan's clocks is.
Well they are still trying to find bolts big enough to attach it to the ceiling.


----------



## Glen48 (21 April 2011)

Swishing>> 
Ladies, now don't get offended - trust in your doctor! 

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face. 
The Doctor asks: "What happened?" 
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
 husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
 The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
 comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in
 your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes
 to bed and is asleep."
 Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and 
 reborn.
 The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
 husband came home drunk, I swished with water.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
> How does the water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water does f**k all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."


----------



## Wysiwyg (21 April 2011)

burglar said:


> Nah, you just use split screen!
> 
> Hi Glen48,
> 
> ...



Yes Glenn48 .. got me smiling. 

Here is one I found and thought okay.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."


----------



## pixel (21 April 2011)

Wysiwyg said:


> Yes Glenn48 .. got me smiling.
> 
> Here is one I found and thought okay.
> 
> A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."



 GROOOAAAAANNN!

That's even worse than the spoonerism I was reminded of today, on Liz Windsor's 85th birthday: "Three cheers for our queer old Dean!"


----------



## burglar (21 April 2011)

Hey trainspotter,

Q. How do you tell if a railway employee has died on the job?
A. You wait till knockoff time!


----------



## Glen48 (21 April 2011)

USA Senator to Larry Flynt  your a bottom feeder!!
Larry Flynt: Agree lbut ook what I found.


----------



## GumbyLearner (21 April 2011)




----------



## ajjack (21 April 2011)

Hey Glen48 kamusta ka mate ... how's the heat there?
April sure is a tough month.


Q.  How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?

A.  It isn't hard.


 kabayo


----------



## GumbyLearner (22 April 2011)

"A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a***hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half'.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Queensland, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Queensland,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but *****s and rugby league players up there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Queensland!'

The boy replied, "No ****??? Who did she play for?'"


----------



## Glen48 (22 April 2011)

ajjack 
yes nice and hot but the night are tops  Dead horse 1.50 a Litre and what you don't drink you can use for white ant killer.

Worked out if they have Black hair good chance they are scammers.

Man goes in to see the Dr with a wind problem so the Dr sold him a kite..
no the man walks in to the Dr office bbrrb bbrrr with every step
 tells the Dr his problem the Dr goes to the cupboard and come back with a long stick with a hook on the end the mans eyes light up in panic he asks the Dr what are you going to do with that??

  open the windows it stinks in here  Dr replies..


----------



## Glen48 (22 April 2011)

Two caterpillars were muching on a few juicy leaves when a Butterfly goes over head , one Caterpillar looks up and says to the other you will never get me up in one of those things..


----------



## trainspotter (23 April 2011)

The 2011 World Submarine Racing Championships held in Newfoundland , Canada ...


----------



## jbocker (24 April 2011)

I was just on the Aussie Property Forum thread.. and there was a real Estate Link to Egypt
I checked it out thinking it might be Pyramid Selling.

(sorrie one two many easter skotches)


----------



## Glen48 (25 April 2011)

VERY  BRAVE MAN JOKES --- 

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? 
Marry It! 

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 
A battery has a positive side.  

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
Put a nipple on it.  

Why do women fake orgasms ? 
Because they think men care.   

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? 
Nothing, she's been told twice already. 

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? 
Made her chain too long 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women? 
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.   

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. 
It's called a Wedding Cake. 

Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to.


----------



## trainspotter (28 April 2011)

Rockingham (could be any local lower socio economic suburb close to you) flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously 

Torrential rain hit Rockingham in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Rockingham Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Read St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Skye-Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.' The water rushed in the front door and out the back – it was amazing, the place has never been so clean!”

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots, hoodies and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Sarah Lee Frozen Cheesecakes, Chips, all Fizzy drinks, Wagon Wheels, Tim Tams, Coco Pops and Fruit Loops. No Diet Coke

Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter and cans of Jim Bean to calm the nerves of those affected.


----------



## Glen48 (28 April 2011)

A chicken and an Egg had just finished a hot sex session both were sitting back having a giggie when one turn to the other and said I guess that answers that question.


----------



## Calliope (28 April 2011)

trainspotter said:


> Rockingham (could be any local lower socio economic suburb close to you) flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously



 I know this place. Nothing was insured but the victims are still complaining that the insurance companies should pay up anyway.


----------



## burglar (2 May 2011)

A criminal flees to Pakistan, hops in a Taxi and says,
"Take me to a place where I will be safe from the FBI."

The driver says "What, ... Bin Laden's house?"


----------



## trainspotter (14 May 2011)

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."


----------



## dutchie (14 May 2011)

Who is Hank and who is John?

PS LOL anyway.


----------



## Glen48 (14 May 2011)

Kid turns up at the door to pick up his girlfriend the father comes out  tells the kid "be careful with her she has Acute Angina"  
the kid replies  yer "I know great boobs as well"


----------



## burglar (18 May 2011)

Best Card Trick Ever!

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html


----------



## macca (19 May 2011)

burglar said:


> Best Card Trick Ever!
> 
> http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html




Excellent stuff !


----------



## jbocker (2 June 2011)

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

    BALLS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'Gday Presshus put that away for now and hows bout we goes orf for a kiss and a cuddle.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.


----------



## Boggo (2 June 2011)

Qantas investors may not find this funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zhb-wbWBjs&feature=youtube_gdata_player


----------



## sptrawler (15 June 2011)

A bald guy with a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party.  So he contacts an online costume hire company and asks if they could send him something appropriate to wear.
The package arrives in the mail containing a stuffed parrot and a bandana and sugest he go as a pirate. Really annoyed he sends it back and says he is trying to hide his shortcommings, not highlight them.
The next package arrives containing a monks habit. With this he is really peesed off and sends it back saying he was trying to disquise his bald head not highlight it. He said if they didn't sent something suitable he wanted a refund and would name and shame them.
The final package came, it contained a tin of golden syrup and a note.
The note said, paint the golden syrup on your head and let it dry. Then take your wooden leg and stick it up your bottom and go as a toffee apple.


----------



## trainspotter (28 June 2011)

A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan. 

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. 

It's doing well. 

He says prophets are going sky high.


----------



## Tysonboss1 (28 June 2011)

trainspotter said:


> A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan.
> 
> He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
> 
> ...


----------



## James58209 (28 June 2011)

*Australian Banks Less Vulnerable to Global Shocks*

Australian Banks Less Vulnerable to Global Shocks

Are you sure? They've already lost their capital. Capital "B" that is.


----------



## pixel (28 June 2011)

Lawyers! Grandma got it right:


----------



## trainspotter (2 July 2011)

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 7 days, 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Labor spends


----------



## trainspotter (4 July 2011)

I just googled "Australian Political Joke" and I got this as the answer:-




I looked up the dictionary for the word "imbecile" and I got this:-


----------



## trainspotter (19 July 2011)

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

   The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
    excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
    talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made
    $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
    customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
    success."

   "Very good," said the teacher.

   Little Jenny was next:

   "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to
    everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

   "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

   Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

   The teacher held her breath ...

   Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
    box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

   "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
    selling?"

   "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

   "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
    enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

   "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set
    up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

   They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

   Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

   "I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh1tty
    for free, and then making you pay to get the sh1tty taste out of your
    mouth."


----------



## Julia (19 July 2011)

Ha, so funny, TS.


----------



## Wysiwyg (19 July 2011)

In another part of the world you would be rotting in jail for that post #957 defamation, spotter. 

Anyway this is an e-mail number going around ......



John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque. 

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. 

When Putin and the Queen hear this they goes ballistic and ask the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply. 

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


----------



## burglar (27 March 2012)

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


           And finally the all time classic:


Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:


IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

‎


----------



## Calliope (29 March 2012)

This is not a joke, but one of the best skits I have heard. George Carlin leaves no cliche unturned.

[video]http://www.openculture.com/2011/05/george_carlin_the_modern_man_in_three_minutes.html[/video]


----------



## James58209 (29 March 2012)

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno


----------



## burglar (30 March 2012)

Calliope said:


> This is not a joke, but one of the best skits I have heard. George Carlin leaves no cliche unturned. ...




Hi Calliope. Not heard of him until recently ... now I see him everywhere. And GOD he is good!!
George Carlin:- 
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread599427/pg1


----------



## Sdajii (2 April 2012)

Who remembers the Count from Sesame Street? I'm pretty sure I actually remember watching this when I was about three years old  The fact that I find this so amusing probably means I haven't matured much since then 

It's not a joke, but I still laughed 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM


----------



## Calliope (2 April 2012)

burglar said:


> Hi Calliope. Not heard of him until recently ... now I see him everywhere. And GOD he is good!!
> George Carlin:-
> http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread599427/pg1




Hi burglar. I had never heard of hin until I heard the sbove skit on ABC radio. I headed straight for Google and discovered a goldmine. He died in 2008 aged 71.


----------



## burglar (3 April 2012)

In a Cemetery:
 PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .



Hahahaha!

Just this moment, I see why this is funny!!!


----------



## bellenuit (5 April 2012)

Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
...

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -

You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of â‚¬4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".


----------



## CanOz (5 April 2012)

---very clever bellenuit...


----------



## Joules MM1 (24 April 2012)

depends on how dark your humour is i spose......

http://www.washingtonpost.com/busin...-of-millions/2012/04/20/gIQAFjlLWT_story.html


----------



## CanOz (24 April 2012)

From another forum....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
_________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_________________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________ _____________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law


----------



## CanOz (24 April 2012)

I took some artistic liberty with this one...

A Sydney lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tasmania. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up in his old Holden ute and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the top trial attorneys in Melbourne and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tasmania. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tasmanian Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

"Now, since this is MY property, I reserve the right to take the first 3 kicks," to which the lawyer readily agreed.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

I love this part .....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The old farmer smiled and said:

"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## CanOz (10 May 2012)

MY NEW GOLF BOOK

I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite
proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking
friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider
information that I have gained through my 10+ years of experience.

> Highlights include:
>
> Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
> Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a
> Titleist from the Tee
> Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
> Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
> Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
> Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
> Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
> Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
> Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
>
> The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
> • A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
> • A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
> • A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
> • A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
> • A Cuban - needs one more revolution
> • An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
> • An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
> • A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
> • A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
> • A Kate Moss - bit thin
> • A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
> • A Rodney King - over-clubbed
> • An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
> • A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
> • A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
> • A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
> • An elephant's **** - high and ****ty
> • A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
> • A circus tent - a BIG top
> • A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be


----------



## Glen48 (10 May 2012)

Why doctors have trouble operation between the first and second hole.


----------



## Joules MM1 (12 May 2012)

> First one home wins






> ok












> @#$% !!


----------



## dutchie (25 May 2012)

Labor has introduced $1.1 million fines for waiters or sales staff who exaggerate or lie about the carbon tax.


----------



## Joules MM1 (30 May 2012)

tweet today



> Mr. Blobert ‏@blobert
> 
> Justin Bieber accused of attacking a photographer. The man, Periwinkle Willowarms is recovering at Pussymember General Hospital.


----------



## CanOz (30 May 2012)

> A Greek man, a German man, a Swedish girl and an old Italian woman are traveling on a train that has just entered a dark tunnel. Suddenly they hear a loud slap, and when the train emerges, the German man has a red hand print on his cheek.
> He must have groped the Swedish girl, and she slapped him, the Italian woman thinks.
> He tried to grope me but fondled the old lady instead, and she slapped him, the Swedish girl decides.
> The Greek guy must have groped the blonde, and she slapped me by accident, the German determines.
> I can't wait for another tunnel, the Greek man thinks, so I can smack that German again!




CanOz


----------



## Joules MM1 (30 May 2012)

> Doesnt matter if youre rich or poor, as long as you have money



Terry Wogan

:star:


----------



## Glen48 (31 May 2012)




----------



## Glen48 (31 May 2012)




----------



## CanOz (31 May 2012)

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

___________________________________________________________________________________________


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



CanOz


----------



## CanOz (1 June 2012)

This ones for Tech/A!!



> A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'




CanOz


----------



## Eager (5 July 2012)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”


----------



## jancha (28 July 2012)

This is so tasteless, it cries out to be shared! 

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. 

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. 

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. 

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. 

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' 

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. 

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. 

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. 

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' 

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


----------



## DocK (13 October 2012)




----------



## Julia (13 October 2012)

Thanks, Dock.  Timely and  very funny.


----------



## DocK (26 January 2013)

This arrived in my inbox overnight, and made me chuckle so much I spilt my morning cuppa.  Thought I'd share:

*BEING GREEN*

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the 'green thing' back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the  province of Ontario. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." 
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.  We didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the 'green thing' back then?



Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off ... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.


----------



## burglar (8 May 2013)

Adam Hills:


----------



## dutchie (18 September 2013)

Best prank ever?

Watch the video.

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/re...-house-with-beer/story-fnet0he2-1226721533181


----------



## burglar (20 September 2013)

dutchie said:


> Best prank ever?
> 
> Watch the video.
> ...



More from Adam Hills.
Watch the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcF1Ge2TY_M


----------



## trainspotter (6 December 2013)

Nigella Lawsons favourite vegetable ......... an artichoke.


----------



## Baldric (6 December 2013)

Nigella Lawsons Xmas special - Cold turkey


----------



## trainspotter (6 December 2013)

Nigella Lawsons new menu ..... Hot Tongue and Cold Shoulder.


----------



## burglar (6 December 2013)

Baldric said:


> Nigella Lawsons Xmas special - Cold turkey




Past the lips ...
On the hips!!


----------



## Boggo (6 December 2013)

Nigella Lawsons new Xmas menu .....


----------



## trainspotter (7 December 2013)

Boggo said:


> Nigella Lawsons new Xmas menu .....




Just LOL at this one. Made my morning this did.


----------



## Calliope (8 December 2013)

trainspotter said:


> Just LOL at this one. Made my morning this did.




I seem to be missing the joke. I suppose you also got LOL from the scenes of the obnoxious Saatchi trying to choke Nigella. I wouldn't be surprised if Saatchi was the originator of the above Xmas menu (joke?), which is just as nasty.


----------



## trainspotter (9 December 2013)

Calliope said:


> I seem to be missing the joke. I suppose you also got LOL from the scenes of the obnoxious Saatchi trying to choke Nigella. I wouldn't be surprised if Saatchi was the originator of the above Xmas menu (joke?), which is just as nasty.




But funny


----------



## noco (13 December 2013)

A man takes the day off work and 
Decides to go out golfing. 
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears, 
Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't 
See anyone. 
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' 
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the 
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron. 
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. 
He is shocked. 
He says to the frog, 
'Wow that's amazing.. 
You must be a lucky frog he asks?

The frog replies, 
'Ribbit Lucky frog.' 
The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole. 

'What do you think frog?' 
The man asks. 
'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, 
Boom! Hole in one... 
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say. 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and 
Asks the frog, 
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 
'Ribbit Las Vegas ...
' They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says,

'OK frog, now What?' 
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' 
Upon approaching the roulette table, 
The man asks, 
'What do you think I should Bet?' 
The frog replies

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but 
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom! 
Tons of chips come sliding back across the table 
The man takes his winnings and 
Buys the best room in the Hotel. 
He sits the frog down and Says, 
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and 
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him, 
He deserves it.. 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a 
Gorgeous 25-year-old girl.

'And that, 
Your honor, is how the girl 
Ended up in my room.

So help me God

Or my name is not Craig Thompson.'


----------



## Justin Andersen (18 December 2013)

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


----------



## burglar (15 February 2014)




----------



## DocK (21 February 2014)

Religious threads seem to be trending atm, so here's so light relief:

Repent O Scottish Sinner...
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. 


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building. 

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... 

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned & useless paint. 


Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees & cried: 

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. 


(you're going to love this) 

 "Repaint!  Repaint! And thin no more .


----------



## trav365plus (23 February 2014)

DocK said:


> Religious threads seem to be trending atm, so here's so light relief:
> 
> Repent O Scottish Sinner...
> There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
> ...




Haha  :-D


----------



## trav365plus (23 February 2014)

A japanese guy is at the airport waiting fr his flight back home. He decides to o to the Exchange counter.
J: Wait a minute when I came here i got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on?
C: Fluctuations
J: (stiffens at this) Well fluck you too Americans.

:-D lol


----------



## sptrawler (23 February 2014)

trav365plus said:


> A japanese guy is at the airport waiting fr his flight back home. He decides to o to the Exchange counter.
> J: Wait a minute when I came here i got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on?
> C: Fluctuations
> J: (stiffens at this) Well fluck you too Americans.
> ...




A bit like the joke " just because man fly plane upside down, doesn't mean he has crack up".lol, how bout that 

Flunny one hey.


----------



## noco (11 March 2014)

Recently,  while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbours  stopped to chat as they returned home from walking  their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12  year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She  said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her  parents who are Socialist Labour were standing there, so I asked her, "If  you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would  do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the  homeless people."

Her parents  beamed with pride!


"Wow!   What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're  Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?"  she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house  and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you  $50.  Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless  guy hangs out, and you can
Give him the $50 to use toward food and a  new house."


She thought that over for a few  seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't  the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him  the $50?"


I said, "Welcome to the Liberal  Party."


Her parents  aren't speaking to me, anymore.


----------



## CanOz (11 March 2014)

ROTFLMAO...nice one Noco!


----------



## sptrawler (11 March 2014)

Yes Noco, chardonay socialists, don't you love them.lol

They're the ones sitting on tons of money, and feeling sorry for the poor.lol

But ask them to rent one of their rental properties to an indigenous person or just let a homeless person use it. 
They look shocked and change the subject, it is really sad. Absolute #ankers.


----------



## sptrawler (11 March 2014)

sptrawler said:


> Yes Noco, chardonay socialists, don't you love them.lol
> 
> They're the ones sitting on tons of money, and feeling sorry for the poor.lol
> 
> ...




Appologies wrong thread, my mistake.


----------



## noco (13 March 2014)

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra ..


The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.


We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'


'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'


'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'


'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'


'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'


'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.. 
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. 

You're not getting any real nourishment.



See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******** and a briefcase.


----------



## rumpole (13 March 2014)

noco said:


> Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra ..
> 
> 
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
> ...




Congratulations Noco, you avoided saying "Labor Politician"

Actually makes the joke quite funny


----------



## noco (13 March 2014)

rumpole said:


> Congratulations Noco, you avoided saying "Labor Politician"
> 
> Actually makes the joke quite funny




rumpole, I am so pleased I finally put a smile on your face.....I have been so worried about you lately....I believed you had been sucking on lemons long enough.


----------



## noco (18 March 2014)

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: 


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. 


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers. 


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? 

A. Only a smidgen of it. 


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

  ;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. 


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? 

A. Shut up. 


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: 


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will  ;go to China, Vietnam orSri Lanka . 


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. 


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or  ;China ...


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....  

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go  ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead, keep the money in Australia by: 

1) Spending it at  garage  sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 

4) Beer or 

5) Tattoos. 

(These are just about the only Australian  businesses still operating in OZ.) 

Conclusion: 

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage ;sale and drink beer all day ! 


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.


----------



## dutchie (18 March 2014)

noco said:


> Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
> 
> This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
> 
> ...





Very funny Noco. Unfortunately true though.

Even beer purchase might not stay here. Have you seen how many foreign beers are on the shelves.

Put the money into educating yourself and family members?


----------



## Garpal Gumnut (18 March 2014)

This was sent to me recently.



> Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 32 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
> 
> The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
> 
> ...




gg


----------



## rumpole (21 March 2014)

Subject: Oscar Pistorious Jokes....Doesn't take long !!!



His lawyers got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasnt got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentines Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility.  He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say hes a front runner  at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentines Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentines Day card: Roses are red, violets are glorious.  Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes toJail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriends murder. Footprints!

She didnt notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs. 

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released Bam! President of South Africa. Thats how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes  Just  Dont Do It.

Hollywood are doing his life story; its now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty hes gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!


----------



## noco (22 March 2014)

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Tp1_llDdmfM?rel=0


----------



## noco (18 May 2014)

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
Found him, resting on the seventh  

He inquired,  --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
----  "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,   ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet,"  --- replied God,   --- and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" ---   inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. 
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries.  ---  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,   ---  "What's that one?"

"That's Perth , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world. 
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,   ---  "But what about balance, God?   You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled,  --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............


----------



## noco (19 May 2014)

A farmer died and in his will he left 17 horses to his 3 sons.

The eldest was left one half 1/2

The second son was left one third 1/3

The third son was left one ninth 1/9

As they said it was not possible to divide the 17 horses into the manner their father worded his will, they had a fight about it...

To try to resolve the issue, they asked the neighboring farmer to arbitrate on the situation for them.

So the neighboring farmer brought over one of his horses to make it 18.

Now the boys were happy.

The eldest son got 9 horses.....the second son got 6 horses......and the third son got 2 horses......17 in total.

So the neighboring farmer took his horse home and everybody was happy.


----------



## noco (22 May 2014)

Serious trouble for Australia



True, Very True

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 24 million.

8 million are retired.

That leaves 16 million to do the work.

There are 8.5 million in school.

Which leaves 7.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million on the dole and invalid pensions.

Leaving 3.5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces

Which leaves 3.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for state and local
Governments. And that leaves 2,214,000 to do the work.

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 2,100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.



And 267,500 travelling at any one time



That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ****,

At your computer, reading jokes. NICE.     REAL NICE.





GREAT! NO WONDER WE GOT TROUBLES.


----------



## noco (22 May 2014)

For further jokes and jokers, please refer to 'the Abbott Government ' thread.

Laughter makes the world go around.


----------



## sydboy007 (1 June 2014)

The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services. The allergists voted to scratch them, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the radiologists could see right through them. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in parliament!

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/whats...rson-a-mate-20140530-zrswa.html#ixzz33KtTZLxb


----------



## dutchie (1 June 2014)

sydboy007 said:


> The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services. The allergists voted to scratch them, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the radiologists could see right through them. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
> 
> In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in parliament!
> 
> Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/whats...rson-a-mate-20140530-zrswa.html#ixzz33KtTZLxb




Sydboy007, this is by far your best post ever.


----------



## noco (19 July 2014)

THIS IS THE BEST MAXINE EVER, EVER,.............EVER!
                                      RIGHT ON MAXINE!!! 
This is the best analogy yet!
  Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America/Canada/Australia/UK are now in economically.


I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it
on my back porch and filled it
with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the poop. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.

And other birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ...... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see......
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegals came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than ”ours” are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder. 

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the poop!


----------



## dutchie (1 September 2014)

Woody Allen: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”


----------



## dutchie (2 September 2014)

Steven Wright: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”


----------



## noco (2 September 2014)

dutchie said:


> Woody Allen: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”





Woody Allen also said , trying to have sex at 90 is like trying to play snooker with a piece of rope for a cue.


----------



## dutchie (5 September 2014)

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"


----------



## noco (15 September 2014)

Here's your English lesson for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?  

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.


----------



## noco (1 October 2014)

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes
about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the
Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French
(including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....


Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
you may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford 
shoes, you may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand
but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.  You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
you may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
you may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off 
roadside bombs, you may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
you may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it, you may be a Muslim.


----------



## dutchie (29 October 2014)

Kiwi couple tell two Muslims to go back to their own (Muslim) country.

(http://www.news.com.au/national/kiw...o-muslim-country/story-e6frfkp9-1227105228734)


----------



## barney (29 October 2014)

noco said:


> Here's your English lesson for the day!
> "Complete" or "Finished"?
> 
> No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
> ...





LOL

I have to steal that one for a short column I have to write.  

GOLD


----------



## dutchie (31 October 2014)

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous Classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
'Who do you want to play?' Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
'I've always been a big fan of Chopin' said Bruce. 'I'll play him.'
'And you, Sylvester?' asked Spielberg.
'Mozart's the one for me!' said Sly.
'And what about you?' Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.....'I'll be Bach' said Arnie.


----------



## noco (31 October 2014)

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' 

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. 

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. 

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. 

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Huntsville WalMart. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor. 
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. 

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. 

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested. 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 


(You're going to hate me for this ....) 









'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!' 


Oh, quit bitching!  I don't write this stuff.  I just receive it from my warped friends, and then send it on!




This email is free from viruses and malware because avast! Antivirus protection is active.


----------



## noco (6 November 2014)

Subject:  Tolerance



Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,
says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against
another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal
of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious
beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote
tolerance.”

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy,"
and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of
Ribs.”

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the
goods.”

"Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex
toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered.”

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us."

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing
this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point ... it
is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to
put your camel to bed


----------



## noco (12 November 2014)

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. 
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me. You have taken ...
   -  My favourite actor - James Garner;
   -  My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
    -  My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
   -  And finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are -
   -  Bill Shorten
  -  Christine Milne
   -  Jacqui Lambie
   -  Sarah Hanson-Young and 
  -  Clive Palmer.

Amen!"


----------



## noco (19 November 2014)

Subject:Brilliant come-backs

          After recent events in Canada, remember the fallen on
          Remembrance Day

              /Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are
              nationally arrogant?/

              /
              /*JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in
              the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of
              NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of
              France as soon as possible.*
              *Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried
              here?"*



              *You could have heard a pin drop*
              *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

              *There was a conference in France where a number of
              international engineers were taking part, including
              French and American. During a break, one of the French
              engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
              the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an
              aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
              victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'*

              *A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:*

              *'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can
              treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered
              and can supply
              Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
              have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
              people three meals a day,
              They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water
              from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
              helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured
              to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such
              ships; how many does France have?'*


              *You could have heard a pin drop.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



              *A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference
              that included Admirals from the U.S. , English,
              Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail
              reception, he found himself standing with a large group
              of Officers that included personnel from most of those
              countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
              sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
              complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,
              the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is
              it that we always have to speak English in these
              conferences rather than speaking French?'*

              *Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,*

              *'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's,
              South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you
              wouldn't have to speak German.'*


              *You could have heard a pin drop.*
              *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



              *AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...*

              *Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
              Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes
              to locate his passport in his carry on.
              *
              *"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
              officer asked sarcastically.
              *
              *Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
              *
              *"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
              *
              *The Englishman said,**'The last time I was here, I
              didn't have to show it."
              *
              *"Impossible. You English always have to show your
              passports on arrival in France !"
              *
              *The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
              Then he quietly explained,*

              *''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in
              1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
              single Frenchmen to show a passport to."*


              *You could have heard a pin drop.*

              *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

              *If you are proud to be an American, British, Canadian,
              Australian, South African, or a New Zealander pass this
              on! If not, delete it.*


----------



## CanOz (19 November 2014)

noco said:


> Subject:Brilliant come-backs
> 
> After recent events in Canada, remember the fallen on
> Remembrance Day
> ...




Absolutely priceless....I'm sure there are many French people that appreciate what our countries did in WWII. Nonetheless, i have some good mates that will thoroughly enjoy this!


----------



## pixel (20 November 2014)

CanOz said:


> Absolutely priceless....I'm sure there are many French people that appreciate what our countries did in WWII. Nonetheless, i have some good mates that will thoroughly enjoy this!




LOL, I'm sure there won't be many people of French extraction that pass it on either...


----------



## pixel (20 November 2014)

*Think Twice Before You Force Children To Pray...*

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. 
"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

“Just pray what comes to mind: for your family members, friends and neighbours," suggested his father, "and don't forget the poor."

"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's computer and also provide shelter for the poor homeless men who warm up in mom's room when daddy is at work.  AMEN"

*Dinner was cancelled.*


----------



## dutchie (20 November 2014)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".


----------



## Craton (18 December 2014)

*THE $10 DOLLAR JAR*

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. The man orders a drink and when the bartender returns asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn’t make a face and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


----------



## noco (22 December 2014)

Australian Love Poem 

Of course I love ya darlin 
You're a bloody top-notch bird 
And when I say you're gorgeous 
I mean every single word 

So ya bum is on the big side 
I don't mind a bit of flab 
It means that when I'm ready 
There's somethin' there to grab 

So your belly isn't flat no more 
I tell ya, I don't care 
So long as when I cuddle ya 
I can get my arms round there 

No Sheila who is your age 
Has nice round perky breasts 
They just gave in to gravity 
But I know ya did ya best 

I'm tellin' ya the truth now 
I never tell ya lies 
I think it’s very sexy 
You've got dimples on ya thighs 

I swear on nanna's grave now 
The moment that we met 
I thought you was as good as 
I was ever gonna get 

No matter what u look like 
I'll always love ya dear 
Now shut up while the cricket’s on 
And fetch another beer..
Australian Love Poem


----------



## pixel (23 December 2014)

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should consider which profession to choose. Like many youngsters his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it either. One day, while the boy was on his way home from school, his father decided on an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

    a Bible
    a $50 note
    a bottle of Bundaberg Rum
    a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the fifty bucks, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling, and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and tucked it under his arm.
He picked up the bank note and slipped it into his pocket.
He unscrewed the Rum bottle and took a couple of gulps while admiring this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy", the old preacher sighed to himself, "He's gonna stand for the Senate!"


----------



## dutchie (24 December 2014)

Christmas Eve There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve & went to heaven. St. Peter at the gate said since you all died on Christmas Eve you all got to show me something that represents Christmas. First guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a lighter lights it & said "Candle" St. Peter said there are candles for Christmas go in Second guy pulls out a set of keys & shakes them saying bells. St. Peter said there are bell for Christmas go in. Third guy pockets were turned inside out "Well" St. Peter said The guy puts his hand in his coat pocket & pulls out a pair of womans panties St. Peter said now what do they have to do with Christmas? The guy said "Oh theses are Carols."





'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.  The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

    The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
    The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
    The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
    The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
    The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
    The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
    The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
    The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
    The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
    The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
    The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'



Members contributions to this question welcome:-    What would the Australian have said/done



Anyway a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all ASF members.


----------



## pixel (24 December 2014)

dutchie said:


> What would the Australian have said/done.




"Give us a cold Forex, Mate! Even your flies can't match it with our Blowies!" 



> Anyway a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all ASF members.




and I'll second that


----------



## noco (29 December 2014)

Italian Pregnancy 
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. 

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was a the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. 

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. 

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. 

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. 

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.. 

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him. 

"You-a gonna try again!"


----------



## pixel (29 December 2014)

Have you ever wondered, how Jesus got his name?

Mary and Joseph were still recovering from Christmas in that old stable, when the three Magi dropped in with their presents of myrrh, frankincense, and gold.
The third visitor, carrying the heavy gold chest, dropped it just inside the threshold; glad to be rid of the heavy weight, he straightened up with a sigh of relief ... and banged his head underneath the door jamb.

"Jesus Christ!" he yelped, as the bruise on his head started throbbing.

"Oh my," said Mary sweetly, "what a lovely name! Let's call the boy 'Jesus Christ'. That has a much nicer ring to it than Joe's suggestion, who wanted to call him 'Bazza'."


----------



## Tisme (13 January 2015)

*Gun Powder Plot*

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## noco (16 January 2015)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating 
for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.. 
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, 
and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got 
more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate...she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had 
feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.  
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, 
and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said... "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment...then turned and made a bee-line straight 
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!  
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are 
very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better 
man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## Bintang (18 January 2015)

*Advanced Medecine*
A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s private parts; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”

The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA,  we selected a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls….we made him President, and now……. the whle country is looking for work..”


----------



## noco (16 March 2015)

Subject: FW: Shorten


Bill Shorten walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Bill, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?” 
Shorten: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Bill Shorten, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!” 

Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification
Shorten: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Shorten: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Greg Norman and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Bill Shorten stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr. Shorten.


----------



## noco (14 April 2015)

A blonde was playing golf   
when she took a big swing and fell.


The party waiting behind her was a group from   
Canberra that included Bill Shorten.

Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her  feet.


She thanked him and started to leave,  
when he said, 
  "I'm Bill Shorten and I hope you'll vote Labor in the next  election.”

She laughed and quickly said:  




"I fell on my ****, not my head!"


----------



## Bintang (14 April 2015)

noco said:


> A blonde was playing golf
> when she took a big swing and fell.
> 
> 
> ...




That response is far too intelligent. She can't have been a natural blonde.


----------



## Craton (28 April 2015)

Due to the GFC, a stock broker was unemployed for a very long time. He could not find a job but he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."

A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Stock Broker: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is petrol!"

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Stock Broker: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is petrol!"

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily but comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak, I can barely see a thing."

Stock Broker: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Here, take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is only $500..."

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


----------



## trainspotter (13 July 2015)

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?”
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!”
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.”
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!”
Satan: "You a smoker?”
Guy: "You better believe it!”
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?”
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!”
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.”
Guy: "Cool!”
Satan: "What about Drugs?”
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean…?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.”
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?”
Guy: "No…"
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."


----------



## dead trader (13 July 2015)

The last two jokes are so funny!!! Where do you get these?? [emoji23]


----------



## pixel (13 July 2015)

One Sunday morning, a minister decided to do something a little different.

He said 'Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever word I say, I want you to sing the first hymn that comes to your mind'.

The congregation nods in unison. The pastor shoutes 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation starts singing as one, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollers 'GRACE.' The congregation sings 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor yells 'POWER.' The congregation sings 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor's final word is 'SEX'. The congregation remains in total silence, stunned, shocked.
All of a sudden, from the back row of pews, an 87 year old lady gets up and breaks into song,

*'MEMORIES...'​*


----------



## noco (19 July 2015)

WELCOME to 2015: 

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless 

We are SPEECHLESS, 
Government is CLUELESS, 

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS ! 

I'm scared – ****less










--


----------



## noco (19 July 2015)

Subject: Fwd: Murphy
    Murphy


An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty quid,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid.




So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is the police.



'What's going on here?'
asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'


----------



## noco (19 July 2015)

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he is lost and seeing a woman down below, descends within hailing distance and calls down to her...



 "Can you help...I'm on my way to meet some people...I promised them a nice dinner, but I don't know where I am!"



 The woman shouts back, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You are between 53.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."



 "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist." "I am," said the woman, "how did you know!" And the balloon man answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct...but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost...frankly, you've not been much help at all...if anything, you've delayed me even further!"



 The woman shouted back, "You must be in government!" "I am," shouted the balloonist, "how did you know!!"



 To which the woman said, "you don't know where you are or where you're going...you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air...you made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met...but now, somehow, it is my fault!!"


----------



## noco (19 July 2015)

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish…  A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.                                                                                                               

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! 

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife;  had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician.  “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.” 

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late


----------



## noco (19 July 2015)

*Bailout - international finance Greek style.


         Probably happens all the time!

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. 

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a  ¤100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one room in which to spend the night. 

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the  ¤100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. 

The butcher takes the  ¤100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. 

The pig farmer takes the  ¤100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. 

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the  ¤100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. 

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the  ¤100 note. 

The hotel proprietor then places the  ¤100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything. 

At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the  ¤100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. 

No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. 

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek government hopes to fix its economic problems. 
*


----------



## trainspotter (24 July 2015)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.  He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.  He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.   As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.  

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! 

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.  Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b1tch, I'm married!!' 


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS


----------



## bellenuit (29 July 2015)




----------



## bigdog (2 September 2015)

*My Tax Return*




I just received an audit on my tax return for 2014 back from the Australian Tax Office and it puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question, "List all your dependants?"

I replied, "100,000 muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 10,000 crack heads in rehab; 1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work, 25,000 people in prison, 3,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday, 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!! 

They told me that this was NOT the correct answer. 

 SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HECK DID I MISS"?

655


----------



## bigdog (3 September 2015)

*What the Sydney Fire Commander Said was Priceless!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander says!!!!

In Macquarie Fields, Australia, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by a fire.





A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.

Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They, too, died.

A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.

The couple survived the fire.

Various multicultural agencies were furious!! 

They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander.   

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?





The Fire Commander said, "They were at work."

This has just got to keep circulating. It's too good!*

761


----------



## basilio (3 September 2015)

That was SO, SO funny Big Dog.  Totally wet myself....

But mate how did you miss out on the transgenedered, drug taking pros living in the basement ?  And surely there were some lesbian couples with turkey basted kiddies in one of the flats (also on welfare I might add).

(I appreciate that someone took a lot of trouble to spray as many Andrew Bolt targets as they could in such a short joke. I was just trying to add a few more targets .  Jews perhaps? Commos ?  Greenies  ? )

(What emoticons should I put here to suggest I don't necessarily agree with this joke and my response has elements of ambiguity in it ?)


----------



## bigdog (4 September 2015)

*SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH  

A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job. 

The manager asked 'Do you  have any sales experience?' 

The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.' 

The manager liked the Aussie  so he gave him the job. 

His first day  was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  

After the store was locked up, the  manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'  

The Aussie said  'One!' 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day. 

How much was the sale for?   

'£124,237.64p.'  

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!  What the hell did you sell him?' 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'  

'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'  

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 
4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'  

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as well go fishing.'  *

887


----------



## noco (4 September 2015)

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'



Give me a sense of humor, Lord, 
Give me the grace to see a joke, 
To get some humour out of life, 
And pass it on to other folk.


----------



## bigdog (5 September 2015)

*Go Dutch . . . But Why Wait Until 2016?

The Netherlands, where six per cent of the population is now Muslim, is scrapping multiculturalism.  

The Dutch government says it will abandon the long-standing model of multiculturalism that has encouraged Muslim immigrants to create a parallel society within the Netherlands...    

A new integration bill, which Dutch Interior Minister Piet Hein Donner presented to parliament,  on June 16, reads: 

"The government shares the social dissatisfaction over the multicultural society model and plans  to shift priority to the values of the Dutch people." 

  In the new integration system, the values of the Dutch society, play a central role.  

  With this change, the government steps away from the model of a multicultural society. 

   The letter continues: "A more obligatory integration is justified because the government  also demands that from its own citizens." 

   It is necessary because otherwise the society  gradually grows apart and eventually no one feels at home anymore in the Netherlands. 

   The new integration policy will place more    demands on immigrants. 

For example, immigrants will be required to   learn the Dutch language, and the  government  will take a tougher approach to immigrants who ignore Dutch values or disobey Dutch law.  

  The government will also stop offering special subsidies for Muslim immigrants because, according to Donner; 

  "It is not the government's job to integrate  immigrants."  (How bloody true!!!) 

   The government will introduce new legislation that outlaws forced marriages and will also  impose tougher measures against Muslim immigrants  who lower their chances of employment by the way  they dress. 

   More specifically, the government imposed a ban on face-covering, Islamic burqas as of January 1, 2015.  

Holland has done that whole liberal thing, and realized - maybe too late - that creating a nation of tribes, will kill the nation itself. 

  The future of Australia, the UK, USA, Canada and New Zealand may well be read here..  

   READERS NOTE: Muslim immigrants leave their   countries of birth because of civil and political  unrest . . . "CREATED BY THE VERY NATURE OF   THEIR CULTURE.” 

   Countries like Holland, Canada, USA, UK, Australia,  and New Zealand have an established way of life that actually works, so why embrace the unworkable? 

   If Muslims do not wish to accept another culture, the answer is  simple; "STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!" 

 This gives a whole new meaning to the term, 'Dutch Courage' ... Unfortunately Australian, UK, USA,   Canadian, and New Zealand politicians don't have the ... guts to do the same.  There's a whole lot of truth here!!!
*

017


----------



## bigdog (18 September 2015)

*SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH  

        A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job. 

        The manager asked 'Do you  have any sales experience?' 

        The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.' 

        The manager liked the Aussie  so he gave him the job. 

        His first day  was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  

        After the store was locked up, the  manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'  

        The Aussie said  'One!' 

        The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day. 

        How much was the sale for?   '£124,237.64p.'  

        The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!  What the hell did you sell him?' 

        'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'  

        'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,         so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'  

        'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the         4x4.

        The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a         boat and a 4x4?'  


        'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


        'Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as well go fishing.' *
9577


----------



## pinkboy (18 September 2015)

bigdog said:


> *SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
> 
> A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job.
> 
> ...




Hmm, same joke 2 weeks apart from same person.......



pinkboy


----------



## dutchie (18 September 2015)

pinkboy said:


> Hmm, same joke 2 weeks apart from same person.......
> 
> 
> 
> pinkboy




He really really likes it.

Can never have too much humour!


----------



## bigdog (24 September 2015)

*Poor Old Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,  only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...  

Here she is –- in the  middle of her election campaign -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You bastard!

How could you have let this happen?  

With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!

How could you? I can't  believe this!                                   

I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..............

Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?".

*

13


----------



## luutzu (24 September 2015)

Why is 6 afraid of 4? Because 7 8 9.


----------



## pixel (24 September 2015)

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.     

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.  

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven".     

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"     

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.     

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.     

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted - "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"


----------



## Tisme (25 September 2015)

Apparently someone is shot or syringed or knifed on average every 12 hours in Australia. Poor bugger!


----------



## Tisme (1 October 2015)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my breasts ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"


----------



## SirRumpole (1 October 2015)

Tisme said:


> A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
> 
> When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
> 
> ...




Was the milkman's name Ernie ?


----------



## Tisme (9 October 2015)

Be careful what you buy online.

I just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.
They sent me a magnifying glass!
The only instructions said:
"Do not use in sunlight"


----------



## SirRumpole (9 October 2015)

Tisme said:


> Be careful what you buy online.
> 
> I just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.
> They sent me a magnifying glass!
> ...




Well, if you really think you need that sort of thing...


----------



## pixel (9 October 2015)

Tree Hugger

A woman, who was a tree hugger, purchased a block of old-growth bushland near Collie, WA.  
There was a large Jarrah tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  In order to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land, she started to climb the big tree.  As she neared the top, she disturbed a spotted owl that angrily attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground, catching many splinters in her crotch.  In considerable pain, she rushed to the nearest country hospital to see a doctor. 
In the process of explaining how she came to get all the splinters, she mentioned that she was an environmentalist, a member of the Greens Party, and objected to hunting.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would check how he could help her. 
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  Angrily she demanded, "What took you so long?" 
With a big smile, he replied, "Well, I had to apply for permits from the Environment Protection Agency, the Forestry Supervisory Board, and the Department of Land Management, giving me the authority to remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.  
I'm sorry ... they turned you down."


----------



## Craton (19 October 2015)

pixel said:


> Tree Hugger
> 
> A woman, who was a tree hugger, purchased a block of old-growth bushland near Collie, WA.
> There was a large Jarrah tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  In order to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land, she started to climb the big tree.  As she neared the top, she disturbed a spotted owl that angrily attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground, catching many splinters in her crotch.  In considerable pain, she rushed to the nearest country hospital to see a doctor.
> ...




*two thumbs up belly laugh*
I like it!


----------



## noco (19 October 2015)

Subject: Fwd: SUNDAY CLOTHES




________________________________________
  A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
He said, “Hello.”
 'Hi,' replied the little girl. 

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy. 

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way to my aunties,' answered the little girl. 

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy. 

'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
 So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: 


'You know, I never realized before just how much
Difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!'


----------



## Gringotts Bank (19 October 2015)

noco said:


> 'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
> 
> 'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.




Slight error in the telling!  The Catholic church is always on top of the hill.  Don't ask me why, but just have a look around Melb or Syd and that's how it is.


----------



## trainspotter (8 January 2016)

Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his Labrador, Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all DA buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."


----------



## trainspotter (8 January 2016)

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Cardiff, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


----------



## explod (19 January 2016)

A few minutes ago a lovely female voice came up on my phone.  (about 70 yrs but on the ball. 

"is Lynn there? "

" no,  sorry,  think you have a wrong number"

"oh,  well.... 

never mind darling,  I put my finger in the wrong hole. "


----------



## trainspotter (24 January 2016)

Tickles my funny bone this one ..


----------



## trainspotter (25 January 2016)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching pr0n."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what pr0n was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.


----------



## Glen48 (5 February 2016)

Came home and found a note on the Fridge...Not working going to Mothers,,,Opened he door  making ice and all cold lights work,,,,beats me what she is on about????


----------



## noco (6 February 2016)

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are  out for a stroll in town one day. 
As they walk, they come across a sign:  "Beauty contest for the most beautiful 
woman in the world.  
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, 
"Well, how.did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White. 
They continue walking and they see a  sign: 
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" 
They continue walking when they see a  sign: 
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"  
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an  hour later, 
he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Bill Shorten?" asked  Pinocchio.


----------



## pixel (21 February 2016)

A few from the Math Teacher's Desk:
*
Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: "Nice belt"

Q: What do you get when you take the Sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the Sky.

Q: What did the Mermaid wear to Maths Class?
A: An algae-bra.

There are 10 kinds of Mathematicians: Those that understand binary numbers and those that don't.

Q: Why did the (x ²+1) tree fall over?
A: It didn't have a real root.*

Above sourced from http://www.transum.org/Software/Fun_Maths/Jokes.asp

which inspired me to come up with some of my own:
*
Q: What did the four say when the eight showed up?
A: Here comes my double.

Last night, I saw on my front stair
Root minus One (√-1), which wasn't there.
It then explained quite easily:
"Not real am i, but imaginary."*


----------



## bellenuit (21 February 2016)

I love those maths jokes Pixel. Here are some more, though not limited to math.....

_What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're – on average - very comfortable.

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: "Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: "You mean Roundup?" Scientist: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that dang name."

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, "That was great for you, but how was it for me?"_

_Two chemists are in a restaurant, one chemist says to the waiter "I'll have a glass of H2O". The other chemist says "I'll have a glass of H2O too". He dies.

Helium walks in to a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases here". Helium doesn't react.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are having a coffee when they see two people entering the house across the street. A few minutes later three people leave the house. The biologist exclaims "They have multiplied!", to which the physicist replies "Naw, it's just a measuring error". The mathematician slowly sips on his coffee and replies "You're both wrong -- when one more person enters the house it'll be empty again".

There are 10 types of people in the world: those that know hexadecimal......and F the rest

Two is the oddest prime of all - because it's even.

Why do computer programmers mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.

Why did the chicken cross the mobiÃºs strip? To get to the same side!

A Higgs-Boson walk into a church. The priest says "Hey, you can't be in here!" to which the Higgs-Boson replies "But you can't have mass without me!"

i says to pi: ''Be rational.'' To which pi says: ''Get real!''
_


----------



## noco (6 March 2016)

> Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
> 
> Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
> 
> A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!
> 
> When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I 
> ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, 
> takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I 
> signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, 
> their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could 
> communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle 
> something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
> 
> My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of 
> everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I 
> am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in 
> my golf bag.
> 
> The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get 
> lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I 
> keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] 
> phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was 
> standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone 
> in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing 
> aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
> 
> I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady 
> inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into 
> in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, 
> "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was 
> like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh 
> and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a 
> right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship... When I get 
> really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross 
> streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, 
> the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
> 
> To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the 
> cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I 
> still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have 
> to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and 
> the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
> 
> The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up 
> every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could 
> settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
> every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of 
> those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never 
> remember to take them with me.
> 
> Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I 
> just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their 
> turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I 
> tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
> 
> P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you 
> to forward it to those who are.......Not me; I figured your sense of 
> humor could handle it....
> 
> We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the 
> garage door remote are about all we can handle.


----------



## SirRumpole (6 March 2016)

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,

two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain

around his neck; walked into the
Dole Office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like

taking advantage of the system, getting

something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your

timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have

to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and

he will supply all of your clothes."


"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her

overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say

but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the

daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong

sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,

"You're kidding me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...

You started it." .....


----------



## noco (14 March 2016)

Here is a good laugh reflecting on both sides of politics...Hope the lefties don't get too upset.


http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opi...mage-gallery/ee8a4ef1032a9da5a37c87ecb7f34c5c


----------



## Tisme (14 March 2016)

noco said:


> Here is a good laugh reflecting on both sides of politics...Hope the lefties don't get too upset.
> 
> http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opi...mage-gallery/ee8a4ef1032a9da5a37c87ecb7f34c5c





i like this one 


http://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/37b730ed7a01002a8f30c288fd77eec5?width=1024


----------



## SirRumpole (14 March 2016)

Tisme said:


> i like this one
> 
> 
> http://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/37b730ed7a01002a8f30c288fd77eec5?width=1024




I thought they were Richo and Keating for a minute.


----------



## Craton (23 March 2016)

*OMG! I'm rich.*

Silver in the hair, gold in the teeth, crystals in the kidneys, sugar in the blood, lead in the butt, iron in the arteries and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas!

I'd never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!


----------



## noco (10 April 2016)

A POEM TO  WHICH I CAN RELATE

I remember the bologna of my  childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a  knife,
When the children helped with the  housework,
And the men went to work not the  wife.

The cheese never needed a  fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and  hot,
The children were seldom  unhappy
And the wife was content with her  lot.

I remember the milk from the  bottle,
With the yummy cream on the  top,
Our dinner came hot from the  oven,
And not from a freezer; or  shop.

The kids were a lot more  contented,
They didn't need money for  kicks,
Just a game with their friends in  the road,
And sometimes the Saturday  flicks.

I remember the shop on the  corner,
Where cookies for pennies were  sold
Do you think I'm a bit too  nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting  old?

Bathing was done in a wash  tub,
With plenty of rich foamy  suds
But the ironing seemed never  ending
As Mama pressed everyone's  'duds'.

I remember the slap on my  backside,
And the taste of soap if I  swore
Anorexia and diets weren't heard  of
And we hadn't much choice what we  wore.

Do you think that bruised our  ego?
Or our initiative was  destroyed?
We ate what was put on the  table
And I think life was better  enjoyed.

Author, Unknown
If you can remember  those days , continue to enjoy your  retirement & GOD BLESS


----------



## Tink (10 April 2016)

Very nice, noco.

Reminds me of the thread Tisme put up --

_Oldies and Fossils_

https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29319&page=4


----------



## MrBurns (10 April 2016)

This is good -


----------



## Tink (15 April 2016)




----------



## SirRumpole (15 April 2016)

Tink said:


> View attachment 66283




Like that one !


----------



## pixel (15 April 2016)

SirRumpole said:


> Like that one !




Misogynism is alive and well, it seems. 
Thanks Tony


----------



## SirRumpole (15 April 2016)

pixel said:


> Misogynism is alive and well, it seems.
> Thanks Tony




I didn't take it that way.

My interpretation was that with all the talk about LGBTI's going around, not to refer to them would be seen as an insult by some.


----------



## pixel (15 April 2016)

SirRumpole said:


> I didn't take it that way.
> 
> My interpretation was that with all the talk about LGBTI's going around, not to refer to them would be seen as an insult by some.




hmm - looking at the rainbow colours on the protester's face and figure, you're probably right. 
So, it's "Miso-anything that's not straight Caucasian Male"-ism.
Even more thanks to Tony and Cory and Eric and ...


----------



## Tink (15 April 2016)

Where does it say, not straight?

It says male and female.

No identity politics.

Make of it what you wish.


----------



## noco (30 May 2016)

*This Makes sense to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
________________________________________

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE.................

*


----------



## Tisme (30 May 2016)

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the *real* reason;


I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...
The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the work.
Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there playing around on the Internet!


----------



## luutzu (31 May 2016)

Tisme said:


> For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the *real* reason;
> 
> 
> I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...
> ...




To which the American reader replied:

And unless you're the actuary/statistician/comedian, no one's doing any work.


----------



## pixel (31 May 2016)

luutzu said:


> To which the American reader replied:
> 
> And unless you're the actuary/statistician/comedian, no one's doing any work.




... and that is why they vote for Donald Trump.


----------



## sptrawler (16 June 2016)

*UN Survey*:
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
A single question was asked;
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure, because:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant,
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant,
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant,
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant,
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant,
And in Australia, New Zealand & Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!


----------



## pixel (16 June 2016)

sptrawler said:


> *UN Survey*:
> Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
> A single question was asked;
> “Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
> ...



Nice one, sptrawler 
But you missed a line:*
In the US of A nobody had a clue what "the rest of the world" meant.*


----------



## CanOz (16 June 2016)

pixel said:


> Nice one, sptrawler
> But you missed a line:*
> In the US of A nobody had a clue what "the rest of the world" meant.*




ROTFLMAO! So True


----------



## noco (24 June 2016)

THE BRITISH PENNY

EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE - NO. 456179/1             
IN ORDER TO BRING ABOUT FURTHER INTEGRATION WITH THE SINGLE EUROPEAN CURRENCY, THE EURO; 
ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND MUST BE MADE AWARE
THAT THE PHRASE "SPENDING A PENNY" IS NOT TO BE USED AFTER 30th June 2016.

FROM 1st July 2016, THE CORRECT TERM WILL BE "EURONATING".

IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF TO EVERYONE.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST GIVE ME A TINKLE.


----------



## Tisme (10 November 2016)

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of  Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?


----------



## dutchie (20 December 2016)

Muslim girl refuses to shake German president's hand as he visits a school to praise it… for integrating migrants so well

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-integrating-migrants-well.html#ixzz4TJiBvgcm
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook


----------



## Tisme (20 December 2016)

dutchie said:


> Muslim girl refuses to shake German president's hand as he visits a school to praise it… for integrating migrants so well
> 
> Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-integrating-migrants-well.html#ixzz4TJiBvgcm
> Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook




Should really be moved to appropriate thread, but I think "'No offence, my religion won't let me do that. I do not mean to disrespect you.' mentioned in the article says heaps about mind control from cradle to grave.... I would have replied " well I am offended and you have a fat a4se."


----------



## pixel (20 December 2016)

Tisme said:


> Should really be moved to appropriate thread, but I think "'No offence, my religion won't let me do that. I do not mean to disrespect you.' mentioned in the article says heaps about mind control from cradle to grave.... I would have replied " well I am offended and you have a fat a4se."




Along those lines: Pauline emailed me this one. As you all know, she is the expert on all things Islamic. 
*
Islamic dancing rules.*

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" "Sure," says the Mullah, go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
*"It could lead to dancing"*


----------



## MrBurns (20 December 2016)

Why men have less depression.

Men Are Just Happier People --  What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics (usually) tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,  he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet , and one pair of shoes -
 - one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES
Ã‚·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
 will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
Ã‚·If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Bubba , and Wildman.

EATING OUT

Ã‚·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
Ã‚· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

MONEY

Ã‚· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
Ã‚· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
 doesn't need , but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

Ã‚·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel.
Ã‚· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

Ã‚· A woman has the last word in any argument.
Ã‚· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a  new argument.

FUTURE

Ã‚· A woman worries about the future
  until she gets a husband.
Ã‚· A man never worries about the future
  until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

Ã‚· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
Ã‚· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

Ã‚· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
Ã‚· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Ã‚· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Ã‚· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ã‚· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Ã‚· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## MrBurns (20 December 2016)




----------



## dutchie (20 December 2016)

MrBurns said:


> Why men have less depression.
> 
> Men Are Just Happier People --  What do you expect from such simple creatures?
> Your last name stays put.
> ...




Spot on.


----------



## Tisme (20 December 2016)

mRbURNS said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w




love it LOL .


----------



## MrBurns (20 December 2016)

Tisme said:


> love it LOL .





This too -


----------



## SirRumpole (20 December 2016)

MrBurns said:


> This too -





I can see the inspiration for David Frost and Monty Python there.


----------



## Tisme (20 December 2016)

SirRumpole said:


> I can see the inspiration for David Frost and Monty Python there.




Mitchell and Webb


----------



## Craton (28 December 2016)

A woman takes eight-year-old Paul home to his mother and tells her “He was caught playing doctors and nurses with Alison, my eight-year-old daughter.”

Paul’s mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....they are bound to be curious about sex at this age."

"Curious about sex?" retorts Alison’s mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


----------



## noco (16 January 2017)

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opi...mage-gallery/ee8a4ef1032a9da5a37c87ecb7f34c5c


----------



## PZ99 (26 January 2017)

Heaps of marriage jokes in here... Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade


----------



## Tisme (29 January 2017)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely f@#k-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!


----------



## noco (4 February 2017)

A bit of Trump/Turnbull satire .

http://www.afr.com/opinion/columnis...rnbull-telephone-conversation-20170202-gu4jh6


----------



## noco (4 February 2017)

noco said:


> A bit of Trump/Turnbull satire .
> 
> http://www.afr.com/opinion/columnis...rnbull-telephone-conversation-20170202-gu4jh6



Apology......This only for subscribers of the AFR.


----------



## noco (19 February 2017)

not politically correct, but who cares?

An African, an Arab and Pauline Hanson are in the same bar.
When the African finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Africa, our glasses are given to us by Red Cross Aid

so we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make

glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

Pauline Hanson, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it

in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and

shoots the African and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says, 'In Queensland, we have so many illegal immigrants

that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Queensland.

God Bless Pauline.


----------



## noirua (8 July 2018)




----------



## noirua (8 July 2018)




----------



## basilio (4 August 2018)

*Excellent Medical Advice*

I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.
But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions,
ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident.  It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it
but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

*Warnings:*

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think  you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important medical information!

“*LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM*”!


----------



## noirua (4 August 2018)




----------



## explod (4 August 2018)

I can juggle that,

I think

Yes, no, no, yes.

Say again


----------



## noirua (6 September 2018)

https://flic.kr/p/qCLr1f

*Saudi Arabia CRACKDOWN: Satire to see FIVE YEAR jail terms - ‘a dark time for freedom’*
https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/1013293/saudi-arabia-news-social-media-satire-online-penalty


----------



## dutchie (6 September 2018)

This woman is the joke of the day. I could not stop laughing.

'I didn't spend eight years at university for this': Academic slams Qantas after flight attendant calls her Miss instead of Doctor.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ight-attendant-calls-Miss-instead-Doctor.html

She is a joke for calling out the flight attendant. The flight attendant should have said "tickets please"
Her PhD was "Wankers with Honours"

Besides a PhD in philosophy doesn't make you a "Doctor". A Doctor is someone who practices medicine. 
(I know it's the academic custom)


----------



## moXJO (6 September 2018)

dutchie said:


> This woman is the joke of the day. I could not stop laughing.
> 
> 'I didn't spend eight years at university for this': Academic slams Qantas after flight attendant calls her Miss instead of Doctor.
> 
> ...



Dear god its an aussie as well.


----------



## Knobby22 (8 September 2018)

moXJO said:


> Dear god its an aussie as well.



Course it is. We passed the Poms as the world's biggest whingers some time ago.[emoji58]


----------



## dutchie (8 September 2018)

Knobby22 said:


> Course it is. We passed the Poms as the world's biggest whingers some time ago.[emoji58]




Possibly so. But the snowflakes at US universities would give us a run for our money.


----------



## moXJO (8 September 2018)

dutchie said:


> Possibly so. But the snowflakes at US universities would give us a run for our money.



You been to Melbourne lately?


----------



## jbocker (24 December 2018)

Kids gave me a voucher from the local bottle shop for Christmas.
So I rode my bicycle there and bought a very nice bottle of scotch. I put it in the bicycle basket and then thought about it. If I fall off the bike the bottle will break. So I drank all the scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision as I fell off the bicycle seven times on the way home!


----------



## jbocker (24 December 2018)

Kids gave me a voucher from the local bottle shop for Christmas.
So I rode my bicycle there and bought a very nice bottle of scotch. I put it in the bicycle basket and then thought about it. If I fall off the bike the bottle will break. So I drank all the scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision as I fell off the bicycle seven times on the way home!


----------



## Skate (24 December 2018)

jbocker said:


> Kids gave me a voucher from the local bottle shop for Christmas.
> So I rode my bicycle there and bought a very nice bottle of scotch. I put it in the bicycle basket and then thought about it. If I fall off the bike the bottle will break. So I drank all the scotch before I cycled home.
> It turned out to be a very good decision as I fell off the bicycle seven times on the way home!




@jbocker I was a heavy scotch drinker once & I tended to repeat myself (a lot) - some found it funny, I got the same feeling when I read your repeated post.. 

Skate.


----------



## tech/a (24 December 2018)

Older guy looks in the rear view mirror and sees cops behind him

Thinking he may never get a licence back if it’s taken off him he takes off
Cops behind him.

10 min later he’s forgotten why he’s fleeing so pulls over.
Cop gets out and says “ I’m about to knock off I can’t belive you just took off”

“ If you can give me an excuse I’ve never heard then I’ll let you go”

Old guy pauses for a second and says

“ 25 years ago my wife ran off with a cop —— I thought you were bringing her back!”

Have a great day Sir!


----------



## dutchie (24 December 2018)

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".


----------



## jbocker (24 December 2018)

Skate said:


> @jbocker I was a heavy scotch drinker once & I tended to repeat myself (a lot) - some found it funny, I got the same feeling when I read your repeated post..
> 
> Skate.



Phew. I thought I was seeing double.


----------



## Boggo (24 December 2018)

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff…like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit”…Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “Nothing…but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t…."


----------



## noirua (26 February 2019)

Broadcast in 1976. Just in case a few jokes are not appropriate these sensitive days.


----------



## jbocker (20 May 2019)

Talking to some mates over the weekend, about cashless society, and what do they use for bigger ticket items and where.
Johnny Ray said I only use card and I only shop Harvey Normans
Danny John said I only use cash and I only shop Cash and Carry
and
Larry Ken said I  never use Cash nor Card and I only shop Lift


----------



## sileverback (20 May 2019)

Who's to blame  A sad joke

Forget who to blame and who to laud among the politicians 

The real culprit here is the australian electorate. They have done the broader community damage. By that I mean the kids who make up the balance of the community.and  who they profess to love,  do anything for, would put their kids life before theirs at the drop of a hat. 

Yet their greed and their collective intellectual gifts preclude that. They have not the vision and the imagination it requires, to extend beyond the next 5 minutes let alone 50 years.They have not the whit to see beyond the blandishments of marketing that litter and pollute everyday life. If it was a family you were dealing with  you would call in DOCS to save the kids from the stupidity of the parents. And so, they will continue to lay the ground work for the likely wasteland to come in which their kids and their kids...  will need to survive

Especially culpable are the boomer generation, the"its all about me" generation. Over their lifetime they have exploited their voting power to rob fellow members of the community of opportunity and their fair share of community wealth and hidden behind excuses provided by the intellectual giants in conservative ranks and spread and supported by Rupert's tabloid media in particular. In essence, as shallow as a puddle of piss. 

No credit to scummo and his horde. They well understood the selfishness and anti-community at the core of the electorate because they are at the heart of it and fully invested in it. They are able to reflect it and have the ethical and moral measure to profit from it. 
So all it took was a low level marketing operative to "win".  No credit there.


----------



## Zaxon (20 May 2019)

sileverback said:


> Who's to blame  A sad joke
> The real culprit here is the australian electorate. They have done the broader community damage.



Er, this is a joke thread.


----------



## moXJO (20 May 2019)

Zaxon said:


> Er, this is a joke thread.



I thought the tears were hilarious.


----------



## qldfrog (20 May 2019)

Cry me a river.all your fault, not us cause we are the words of truth, 
And all this in the joke threat
It is genuinely hilarious


----------



## Ann (20 May 2019)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about climate change.
The teacher said this is the first anthropogenic climate change we ever had.
The little girl stated that the biblical flood was another.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that it is the first; at that time it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Noah".
The teacher asked, "What if Noah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


----------



## noirua (1 December 2019)




----------



## Knobby22 (15 December 2019)

In today's Age.

Under Headlines you won't see.

BORIS GOOD STRONG NAME SAYS VLADAMIR.


----------



## explod (15 December 2019)

At Myers in town a young lad had been waiting patiently in line to meet Santa.

When his turn came Santa sat him on his knee and said, "ho ho ho, little boy. And what would you like for Christmas.

The youngster huffed and suddenly jumped down kicking Santa fair in the shins yelling, "you stupid old goat I told you everything yesterday".


----------



## frugal.rock (15 December 2019)

3 old geezers sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons watching life go by, discussing old age.
One pipes up, and says, my incontinence is out of control, if it doesn't run down my leg I don't even know it's happening. If it runs down the pants, usually someone looks at me with a stunned expression which alerts me, unless I feel wet and cold...
Next one sprouts, yeah, I have trouble pooing, always constipated or the complete reverse, like a panel beater at a car spraying competition...I miss the Mr Wippy days...
Third one muses, well, you might be pleased to hear that I don't have any problems pooing or weeing. I do both regularly around 4am or so. (The others nod there heads enviously.)
The only problem I have is, that I don't wake up until 6am...


----------



## Craton (30 December 2019)

Why don't husbands know when their wives are having a fantastic orgasm?

...because they're not there.


----------



## dutchie (6 January 2020)

It's always good to start the New Year with a good joke!


https://www.bloomberg.com/amp/news/...ight-next-recession?__twitter_impression=true


----------



## SirRumpole (13 January 2020)

Not a joke as such, but a great Australian prank played on unsuspecting tourists.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-01...holding-a-drop-bear-during-bushfires/11863942


----------



## jbocker (26 February 2020)

I was getting really worried that my wife was losing her hearing.
I didn't want an argument about getting her hearing checked so I thought I will do it myself. Hey and save some money too!
I waited till one afternoon when she was standing at the sink with her back to me. I stood quietly about 10 steps back and asked "What's for dinner tonight, Darrrling?"
There was no response, not a peep.
I moved 5 steps closer, again asking "What's for dinner tonight, Darrrrrling?"
Still nothing! Zippo! Absolutely no response! I was getting VERY concerned at how bad it really had become!
So I stood right up behind her. "Whats for dinner tonight, Darrrrling??"
With that she stops. Turns her head and barks...
For the THIRD time SAUSAGES!!!!


----------



## jbocker (8 March 2020)

Having a quiet beer at my local, when my best old barmaid Iris starts her shift. She spots me and yells across the bar _"Whats you got today love?"_
I reply _"I got Carona Iris."_
Next minute the place is empty!


----------



## Knobby22 (21 March 2020)

Had to stay at home due to the lockdown. Actually sat and was sort of forced to talk to my wife for an hour. 

Found out she thinks I'm alright!

(Told by chairman, beer & beef club, Melbourne of which I am a member. Got a big laugh.)


----------



## Dona Ferentes (21 March 2020)

Doing the rounds:

New Aussie slang likely to be heard soon:
_Sanny - Hand sanitiser
In iso - self isolation/ in lockdown
the Rona - self explanatory
Magpie - supermarket hoarder_

Employed as follows : _Me boss tested pozzi for the Rona so now he's in iso. Popped down to woolies for some sanni but its all been bloody magpie'd_


----------



## Dona Ferentes (24 March 2020)

My housecleaner rang to tell me she'll be working from home from now on.


----------



## SirRumpole (24 March 2020)

Dona Ferentes said:


> My housecleaner rang to tell me she'll be working from home from now on.




Housecleaner ? Luxury. We have to get up three hours before we go to bed and lick house clean with our tongues.


----------



## basilio (26 March 2020)

I liked this.

_"Jones was having his first date with Miss Smith and was utterly captivated by her. She was beautiful, and intelligent as well, and as dinner proceeded, he was further impressed by her faultless taste.

"As he hesitated over the after-dinner drink, she intervened to say, 'Oh, let’s have sherry rather than brandy by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes by which I may, at that moment, be surrounded. The flavor, the aroma, brings to mind irresistibly—for what reason I know not—a kind of faerie bit of nature: a hilly field bathed in soft sunshine, a clump of trees in the middle distance, a small brook curving across the scene, nearly at my feet. This, together with the fancied drowsy sound of insects and distant lowing of cattle, brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a sort of dovetailing of the world into a beautiful entirety. Brandy, on the other hand, makes me fart.'"_


----------



## Knobby22 (27 March 2020)

Wise words from the our country's coach.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LxVvLiPcaY


----------



## chiff (30 March 2020)

From twitter...what do you call a gathering of 20 people?..two weddings and a funeral.


----------



## basilio (30 March 2020)

Not quite a joke but worth putting in this thread.
 
* Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device *
Australian Dr Daniel Reardon ended up in hospital after inserting magnets in his nostrils while building a necklace that warns you when you touch your face
https://www.theguardian.com/austral...ck-up-nose-while-inventing-coronavirus-device


----------



## basilio (30 March 2020)

*OLD FRIENDS*

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long
time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


----------



## moXJO (30 March 2020)

basilio said:


> Not quite a joke but worth putting in this thread.
> 
> * Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device *
> Australian Dr Daniel Reardon ended up in hospital after inserting magnets in his nostrils while building a necklace that warns you when you touch your face
> https://www.theguardian.com/austral...ck-up-nose-while-inventing-coronavirus-device



Poor guy will never live this headline down.


----------



## moXJO (30 March 2020)

To keep in the theme of things:


----------



## basilio (3 April 2020)

I'm sure this advice could resonate amongst  the majority of use trying to do the right thing at home.

_Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. 

 I looked through my house to  find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! 
	

		
			
		

		
	






	

		
			
		

		
	
❣_


----------



## basilio (5 April 2020)

Going  a little stir crazy here.. 
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... yes, you guessed it... pull myself together.


----------



## bellenuit (5 April 2020)




----------



## basilio (8 April 2020)

*



*
*My wife and I are going gardening and  so I will be going offline now.*

*I may be gone for some time..*

*



*


----------



## Boggo (8 April 2020)




----------



## basilio (10 April 2020)

*A bed time story.*

Trump goes to bed and...
Early in the night, the ghost of FDR appears.
Trump asks him how he can make America great again.
FDR replies, “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.”
Trump declaims, “FAKE NEWS!”

A few hours later he is awakened by the ghost of George Washington.
Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?”
Washington replies, “Never tell a lie.”
Trump is infuriated!

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Again Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?”
Lincoln responds, “Go to the theatre.”


----------



## basilio (17 April 2020)

Perhaps not a joke ?  Well worth the read..

* Woman's attraction to chandeliers not a sexual orientation, ruling says *
Amanda Liberty made complaint about article mocking declaration of love for light fitting

Jim Waterson Media editor

Wed 15 Apr 2020 00.01 AEST   First published on Tue 14 Apr 2020 19.43 AEST


    Library picture of a chandelier. Liberty made the complaint after the tabloid newspaper mocked her love for Lumiere, her name for an intricate lamp she bought on eBay. Photograph: @ Mariano Sayno/husayno.com/G
Shares
2,343





A British woman in a long-term relationship with a 92-year-old German chandelier has been told that her attraction to historic light fittings is not considered to be a protected sexual orientation.

The press regulator, Ipso, made the ruling after Amanda Liberty, a woman from Leeds in her mid thirties, complained about an article in the Sun mocking her public declaration of love for Lumiere, her name for an intricate lamp she bought on eBay.
https://www.theguardian.com/media/2...handeliers-not-a-sexual-orientation-ipso-says


----------



## jbocker (7 May 2020)

basilio said:


> Perhaps not a joke ?  Well worth the read..
> 
> * Woman's attraction to chandeliers not a sexual orientation, ruling says *
> Amanda Liberty made complaint about article mocking declaration of love for light fitting
> ...



It was well hung.


----------



## jbocker (7 May 2020)

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation while visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died from a heart attack.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for a proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that sending a body back to the States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $20,000.00. The Consul then advised that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body there. This would only cost $250.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That is what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, said "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the cost."
"Well," says George, "I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!


----------



## qldfrog (4 June 2020)

to laugh or cry, your call:
Just completed a survey after some interaction with the ATO , which decided to ask for my feedback
I believe the links say it all:


----------



## explod (8 June 2020)

Tony Abbott top honours hey.

A screaming BL...  ddy joke


----------



## Knobby22 (8 June 2020)

explod said:


> Tony Abbott top honours hey.
> 
> A screaming BL...  ddy joke



Feel sorry for him. He really wanted a knighthood, but after all his efforts bringing it back the government got rid of them before he could get one.


----------



## SirRumpole (8 June 2020)

Bronwyn Bishop's gong is an even worse joke.


----------



## macca (8 June 2020)

All politicians giving other pollies a gong for just doing their job are a joke, 

Red or Blue here's one for you


----------



## Knobby22 (8 June 2020)

macca said:


> All politicians giving other pollies a gong for just doing their job are a joke,
> 
> Red or Blue here's one for you



It's always a few pollies, a sports star and a politically correct choice. Really ruins the respect we all have for the awards.


----------



## Dona Ferentes (8 June 2020)

SirRumpole said:


> Bronwyn Bishop's gong is an even worse joke.



who gave you your gong, Horace?


----------



## SirRumpole (8 June 2020)

Dona Ferentes said:


> who gave you your gong, Horace?



Same who gave you yours I imagine.


----------



## basilio (8 June 2020)

Bit old now but still worth a punt..


----------



## basilio (26 June 2020)




----------



## dutchie (26 June 2020)

That is good news.


----------



## SirRumpole (26 June 2020)

basilio said:


> View attachment 105247




That means we are stuck with Trump for 650,000,000 years ?


----------



## basilio (28 June 2020)

SirRumpole said:


> That means we are stuck with Trump for 650,000,000 years ?




Not necessarily.  But I fear he has propagated a million little Trumpites who will continue to infest our systems for a long time.


----------



## basilio (28 June 2020)

*Old Goat Quiz  - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd. *

*With which of the following names are you familiar?*


*1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, 
thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?


Lovely, just  lovely.


Sometimes I worry about you!*


----------



## basilio (29 June 2020)

*A bit of cultural news for a welcome change. *

*



*

*After a two year loan to the United States,

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy. *

*



*
*His Proud Sponsors were:*

*



*


----------



## basilio (3 July 2020)

*Ordering Pizza In 2020*

CALLER:
 Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:  
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased  only a  box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...


*--AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE COVID-19 APP*


----------



## basilio (7 July 2020)




----------



## dutchie (7 July 2020)

basilio said:


> *Ordering Pizza In 2020*
> 
> CALLER:
> Is this Gordon's Pizza?
> ...





Unfortunately that joke is either true now or it will be soon.


----------



## Dona Ferentes (7 July 2020)

My friend told me "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

He meant well.


----------



## basilio (7 July 2020)

Dona Ferentes said:


> He meant 'well.'



Indeed. .. 
You didn't get soppy did you ?


----------



## basilio (10 July 2020)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – neither of them barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The traffic light was red, but they drove through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and, again, the light was red. For a second time, they drove right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

Sure enough, at the next junction, the light was red and they drove on. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”


----------



## dutchie (10 July 2020)

One of these settings is redundant


----------



## basilio (10 July 2020)

This is Donald Trump riffing on the records he has broken.  

...he has no organ..
https://www.tiktok.com/@kyscottt/video/6820569587474533637


----------



## basilio (10 July 2020)

And lets not forget how much China respects Donald Trump and his very, very large brain.
Seriously...
https://www.tiktok.com/@kyscottt/video/6818784227329363206


----------



## spooly74 (10 July 2020)

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;  buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest t1ts.

Men are like that, you know.


----------



## basilio (15 July 2020)

This is a looooong joke. But it comes from one of the best in the business.
Carol Burnett in *"As the stomach turns"
*


----------



## jbocker (29 July 2020)

A mate of mine has gone vegan, even after I assured him it is gonna be a big missed steak.


----------



## basilio (30 July 2020)

*Sammy J appreciation time for those of us dealing with ISO*


----------



## basilio (30 July 2020)

*And this Sammy J riff on Karen from Bunnings is hot off the net*


----------



## Dona Ferentes (30 July 2020)

basilio said:


> *Sammy J appreciation time for those of us dealing with ISO*



used to handling tools


----------



## basilio (31 July 2020)

I thought the best place for this was in the Joke thread.
I mean could you actually believe this was a literacy test for voters in  the US ?

The punch line is at the end of the video..


----------



## dutchie (10 August 2020)

Which muppet will be controlling the Biden puppet?


----------



## Knobby22 (20 August 2020)

Not strictly a joke but pretty funny.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-08...-adelaide-backyard-following-tornado/12577268


----------



## basilio (23 August 2020)

*Urine Test for Old Farts*

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the corona virus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.

*Directions:*
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S


----------



## Craton (25 August 2020)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


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## basilio (26 August 2020)




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## basilio (28 August 2020)

True and funny
*Cricketer left in need of windscreen repairs after smashing own car with huge six*

Ireland’s Kevin O’Brien scores direct hit in T20 game
Self-inflicted damage comes from one of eight sixes
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2...-repairs-after-smashing-own-car-with-huge-six


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## Joules MM1 (29 August 2020)

Mark Hamill@HamillHimself
Aug 28
Popular joke in Europe: Question: What borders on stupidity? Answer: Canada and Mexico


----------



## Joules MM1 (29 August 2020)

djt


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## basilio (2 September 2020)




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## basilio (3 September 2020)

*Fears changes to news-sharing policy may turn Facebook into some sort of awful hellhole of fake news and conspiracy theories *





With Facebook threatening to ban users from posting news on its site, there are concerns the social media platform may quickly descend into a ghastly hub of fake news, conspiracy theories, bullying and extremist rhetoric.

Experts cautioned against the change, saying Facebook could morph into a bin fire of unverified content before our eyes. 

“The last thing we want is for Facebook to become a platform for extremist theories or crazy ideas,” media expert Johnathan Reece said. 
*
“If we’re not careful, this could become a place where people go to organise Nazi rallies, discourage parents from vaccinating their children, or to spread ridiculous theories about mobile phone towers. Is that what we want? 

“Today Facebook is a space where people share wholesome stories about their lives and factually accurate articles about what’s going on in the world. But if we’re not careful, it could quickly become a place where people spread insane ideas like how Hillary Clinton is secretly operating a paedophile ring in the basement of a Washington DC pizza shop”.
*
https://www.theshovel.com.au/2020/0...a_officially_in_recession&utm_term=2020-09-03


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## jbocker (4 September 2020)

My Scottish mate sent me this. I am pretty sure he is joking and its not really him.

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
            "£85 for an extraction, sir"
            "£85?”, the man replies. “Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
            "That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.
            "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
            "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
            "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"
            "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."
            "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
            "It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."
            "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?


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## basilio (4 September 2020)

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
  I asked her, "Does it tell the time?
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
.........................................
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

..........................................
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

..........................
  Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
  Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."


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## basilio (9 September 2020)




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## basilio (9 September 2020)




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## basilio (9 September 2020)




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## basilio (13 September 2020)

Politically incorrect wives jokes.
Handle with care...

*Wives

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has
helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called
‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your
wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...

Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

******

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humor ??

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the
best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make
wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get
married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to
handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot
of improvement!?

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means
is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! " *


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## basilio (17 September 2020)




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## basilio (5 October 2020)

For those looking for some light relief (as distinct from a happy ending ..) check out The Shovels 2020 Annual.  
Front cover is a great start.













						The Shovel Annual 2020
					

In 2020 we lived through two of the most traumatic events in living memory: the shocking bushfires in Australia and Gwyneth Paltrow’s...




					theshovel.bigcartel.com


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## basilio (19 October 2020)




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## basilio (26 October 2020)

Funny ? Yes but also a very good simple magic trick.


----------



## qldfrog (29 October 2020)

what does ASF knows about be?
is that just because I tend to read @Knobby22 posts?


----------



## Knobby22 (29 October 2020)

Obviously I get them even more.
Yes, I will have to buy some pairs.


----------



## basilio (31 October 2020)

If you need a laugh this will get you going..


----------



## dutchie (5 November 2020)

Rioters Patiently Wait For All The Votes To Be Counted
November 4th, 2020




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U.S.—Rioters across the nation are patiently waiting for all the votes to be counted, sources in Democrat-controlled cities confirmed Wednesday.

Rioters stood around in gas masks wielding baseball bats, bricks, and unlit Molotov cocktails, just kinda standing there kicking rocks. Some made a game out of it and played brick catch, though they tended not to be able to throw them very far. Others just browsed their iPhones, checking for updates to see if they had the green light to "burn the city down."
"We're just waiting to see if our guy lost before it's go time," said Christopher Jenkell of Portland. "I hate all this waiting around. I much prefer the 2016 election, when Trump was quickly declared the winner and we knew right away it would be endless protests for the next four years."
"In a way," he added, "I really hope Trump wins. I just don't know what I would do with myself for the next four years if he were to suddenly be out of my life."




*There are 5 comments on this article.*


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## bellenuit (7 November 2020)




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## bellenuit (8 November 2020)




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## dutchie (9 November 2020)

And he has even given Trump a well deserved job........


Here Is A Top-Secret List Of Biden's Anticipated Cabinet Picks
November 8th, 2020




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Biden insiders have contacted the Babylon Bee to reveal some of his top cabinet picks. Wow! They must really like us. Take a look at the list below for a revealing look at the next administration. 

*AOC* - Secretary of Math
*Jeb Bush* - Secretary of Energy
*Hunter Biden* - Secretary of Treasury
*Pete Buttigieg* - Secretary of Gay Stuff 
*Nikole Hannah-Jones* - Secretary of Education
*Ibram X. Kendi* - Secretary of Re-Segregation
*Rachael Maddow* - Secretary of Defense
*CNN President Jeff Zucker* - Secretary of Ending The Pandemic
*Keith Olbermann* - Secretary of Mental Health
*Chinese President Xi Jinping* - U.S. Trade Representative
*Jane Fonda* - Secretary of Veterans Affairs
*Petro Poroshenko* - Secretary of... not sure yet but we'll get him in somewhere
*Don Lemon* - Director of National Intelligence
*Any female of color* - Secretary of Diversity
*Bernie Sanders* - Secretary of Labor
*Carole Baskin* - Secretary of Health and Human Services
*Elizabeth Warren* - Director of Bureau of Indian Affairs, duh
*Gavin Newsom* - Secretary of Transportation
*Trump* - Secretary of Nicknaming Stuff
*Bob Brown* - Secretary of White House Handicap Accessibility 
*Dale Smith* - Secretary of White House Maintenance and Telling the President Whatever Those Flyover State People Are Up To
*Amber Carter, R.N.* - Secretary of Reminding Biden What His Name Is
*Chef Gordon Ramsay* - Secretary of Crushing Up Meds Into Biden's Applesauce 
This list, according to experts, is entirely plausible. We hope you've enjoyed this super exclusive peek into Joe Biden's administration!


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## Bill M (10 November 2020)

Very funny, turn on the sound.


----------



## Craton (12 November 2020)

Great find Bill M.
Very, very clever. Amazing how real fakes can be, lol...


----------



## basilio (16 November 2020)

Missed this a couple of weeks ago but too funny to pass up.


----------



## dutchie (18 November 2020)

Trump Signs Executive Order To Double Debt Of Journalism Students
November 17th, 2020




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WASHINGTON D.C.—There have been suggestions that Joe Biden may use an executive order to cancel student debt, but President Donald Trump has announced he’s going a different direction: He is signing an executive order to double the debt of all journalism students.


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## dutchie (26 November 2020)




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## jbocker (3 December 2020)

People who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.


----------



## basilio (5 December 2020)

Palaeolithic Dad refuses to discover fire, insisting family put on extra animal hides first


----------



## Dona Ferentes (5 December 2020)

I used to think orthotics weren't for me, but now I stand corrected.


----------



## dutchie (6 December 2020)




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## dutchie (10 December 2020)

The Don is such a funny man.


Brilliant Trump Annexes Greenland, Grants It 271 Electoral Votes
December 9th, 2020




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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a brilliant move to swing the election his way again, Trump announced he has annexed Greenland and has granted it 271 electoral votes-- more than enough to deliver him the victory in the 2020 election. 

"Greenland... beautiful Greenland... they would be nothing without the United States. So I annexed them," said Trump to OAN reporters. "I can do that. If Sleepy Joe and the corrupt Democrats can steal an election, I can annex a country! I win!"


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## dutchie (11 December 2020)

This is the winning     JOKE OF THE YEAR FOR 2020


----------



## Knobby22 (11 December 2020)

dutchie said:


> This is the winning     JOKE OF THE YEAR FOR 2020
> 
> 
> View attachment 116242



Yes, its says person and there are 2 of them!


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## bellenuit (12 December 2020)




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## dutchie (13 December 2020)

Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free 'Going Out Of Business' Signs To Small Business Owners 









						Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free 'Going Out Of Business' Signs To Small Business Owners
					

WASHINGTON, DC—After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump's signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi's ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual...




					babylonbee.com


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## basilio (14 December 2020)

*Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.*

*I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

 The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.

 I missed our bikes.

 I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. 

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

 I am enclosing pictures for you at the bottom of this note.

 I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 Your loving wife. XX* 

* P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!! *


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## basilio (14 December 2020)

Can't beat the Bee for astute analysis of how Trump politics works in  the US.









						Here Are 10 Ways Trump Could Still Win
					

Many Americans think Trump lost the election, but it ain't over 'til it's over, baby! While all those squishy, spineless Republicans surrender to Sleepy Joe and his fraudulent ballots, we here at The Babylon Bee have found 10 clear paths to victory for your favorite president!




					babylonbee.com


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## dutchie (15 December 2020)

There is light at the end of the tunnel for Sparky



Heartwarming: Antifa Member Suddenly Realizes The True Fascist Was Inside Him All Along
December 18th, 2019




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PORTLAND, OR—In a heartwarming moment of self-reflection, local antifa protester Sparky Moonshine suddenly realized the true fascist was inside him all along.

As he lifted a brick to throw at a conservative reporter, the protester suddenly froze and said to himself, "Wait a minute -- all this time I've been searching for fascists out in the real world, when all along, the true fascist has been inside me."
"Maybe the real fascism is just all the antifa friends I've made along the way," he said.
His heart grew three sizes that day as he was comforted by the thought that among billions of people in the world, he had found his soul-fascist inside him.
"Maybe the real joy of fighting fascism isn't breaking windows or burning things with Molotov cocktails -- maybe the real joy of fighting fascism is finding the fascist inside all of us."
Having made peace with his inner fascist, he then threw the brick at the reporter.


----------



## moXJO (15 December 2020)

Saw this comment after a news.com  article that was bagging the new Olympic sports (break dancing, skateboarding, etc)

*Paul


The IOC has announced that 2032 Brisbane Olympics will feature the new sports of yabby pumping and a "burn-out" competition to be held in the city's street. Thomas Bach, President of the IOC, stated that "Each country gets the opportunity to introduce or display competitive sports at the games they host. Australian had a long list of events that would have liked to hold but were limited to 2. Some of the events would have been world firsts including Cane Toad Golf, Kangaroo Shooting and Drop Bear wrestling but the AOC decided on these sports, a truly inspiring undertaking"*


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## Joe Blow (16 December 2020)

Folks, can we please get politics out the joke thread. People come here for a laugh, not more pointless political point scoring.


----------



## dutchie (19 December 2020)

A woman multi tasking.


----------



## bellenuit (9 January 2021)

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hey ⁦<a href="https://twitter.com/JaneFallon?ref_src=twsrc^tfw">@JaneFallon</a>⁩ ⁦<a href="https://twitter.com/rickygervais?ref_src=twsrc^tfw">@rickygervais</a>⁩ have you seen this? I must have watched it 30 times in a loop 😂😂 <a href="https://t.co/A5wU3xBiBU">pic.twitter.com/A5wU3xBiBU</a></p>&mdash; The Artful Doodler (@richnairn) <a href="">January 7, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>


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## basilio (9 January 2021)

*It's Summer. It's warm outside and many of us are going to the beach...*

A young couple decided to take their six year old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit and the young boy asks “Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out of my sight”. Little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. “Mummy” he say “some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobie the sillier the lady”.

The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have a paddle in the water” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out too far”. So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states “Mummy some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the mans thing, the dumber he is”.

The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have another paddle” and Mum says “ok but don’t be too long we are going to have lunch soon”. So the boy trots off down the beach, but this time he is only gone a couple of minutes and he’s back. He’s in a hurry. He’s running. “Mummy, mummy, Daddy’s talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets”.


----------



## dutchie (13 January 2021)

This is funny.
*Russian navy commander 'helped steal two 13-ton bronze propellers from his own destroyer while it was in dry dock - and replaced them with cheap ones'*








						Russian commander 'stole two 13-ton bronze propellers from destroyer'
					

The former commander secretly replaced the bronze propellers on the Bespokoynyy with ones made from a cheaper and lighter material, the navy said.




					www.dailymail.co.uk
				




Next thing you'll know he will steal the whole boat and replaced it with a tinny.


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## dutchie (14 January 2021)




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## bellenuit (14 January 2021)

It's a 5 minute walk from my place to the pub but it's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my place....the difference is staggering.


----------



## basilio (19 January 2021)

*The Healing Touch*

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.   The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.  'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping  his hands there at his groin.

 At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked,  'How does that feel'?  He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.


----------



## basilio (26 January 2021)

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

KNOWLEDGE is knowing that a tomato is a fruit,
BUT WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.


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## noirua (4 February 2021)




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## dutchie (4 February 2021)

Do it yourself removalist


----------



## bellenuit (5 February 2021)

Our uncle Joe died of a lung infection last week. He could have been saved if only one of us could remember his blood group. But at least he died as he had lived, spreading optimism all round with his heaving gasping last words, as he repeated over and over: "Be positive".


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## basilio (5 February 2021)




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## dutchie (8 February 2021)

So it appears that you can have political threads and you can have joke threads but you can't have a joke in a political thread nor politics in a joke thread.
Now that's funny.


----------



## Joe Blow (8 February 2021)

dutchie said:


> So it appears that you can have political threads and you can have joke threads but you can't have a joke in a political thread nor politics in a joke thread.




That's correct. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is tired of political point scoring and agenda pushing in threads that aren't about politics.


----------



## basilio (8 February 2021)

dutchie said:


> So it appears that you can have political threads and you can have joke threads but you can't have a joke in a political thread nor politics in a joke thread.
> Now that's funny.



Which is why, of course, there is thread called "political satire" where one can conveniently marry politics and funnies.


----------



## dutchie (17 February 2021)

BREAKING: Husband Wins Argument -- UPDATE: Nope Never Mind
February 16th, 2021





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CANTON, MI—In a stunning development, local man Anthony Larson actually managed to win an argument with his wife just moments ago.

The incident is being hailed as a giant leap for all of husbandkind. Larson unleashed a series of convincing, unassailable, undebunkable arguments that his wife, Amy, had no response for.
After slamming her with argument after argument, she got quieter and quieter, strengthening Larson's resolve to finish her off with a devastating logical deathblow.
He says he finally knew he won when she said, "Fine. You're right. You win."
*UPDATE:* NOPE, NEVER MIND. New updates are coming in, and it appears that despite initial reports, Larson did not win the argument AT ALL and in fact is in HUGE TROUBLE. We apologize for the error.


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## basilio (19 February 2021)




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## basilio (5 March 2021)




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## basilio (21 March 2021)

Easter is coming. Always time for  Easter Bunny jokes - particularly  from a smart alec 3 year old


----------



## bellenuit (28 March 2021)

On Twitter....


----------



## basilio (7 April 2021)

Another funny Bud Light commerical. 

How to make a clothing drive really zip.


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## basilio (10 April 2021)




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## basilio (13 April 2021)




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## basilio (19 May 2021)




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## basilio (23 May 2021)




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## basilio (23 May 2021)

One for the toolies on ASF.


----------



## Craton (24 May 2021)

A fellow walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
“Shingles,” he said.
She took down his name, address, Medicare number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
“Shingles,” he said.
She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and to wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
“Shingles,” he said.
“Where?” said the doctor.
And the bloke replied, “Outside, in the truck. Where do you want them?”


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## basilio (1 June 2021)




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## basilio (1 June 2021)

Funny ? Or desperately sad...


----------



## basilio (2 June 2021)

basilio said:


> Funny ? Or desperately sad...
> 
> View attachment 125332



It was, in fact, a clever joke by Ruthe. 
Unfortunately that didn't stop some nasty trolls becoming totally toxic.







Ruthe Phoenix on Twitter: "Took the batteries out of the carbon ...​twitter.com › ruthephoenix › status


6 Dec 2015 — Took the batteries out of the _carbon monoxide_ alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. 11 ...
Ruthe Phoenix on Twitter: "Because of my carbon monoxide ...​twitter.com › ruthephoenix › status


18 July 2016 — @_RuthePhoenix_. _Ruthe_, you're a psycho. - Graham Linehan (creator of Father Ted and a world of abuse against trans children) (She/Her).


----------



## basilio (2 June 2021)




----------



## basilio (3 June 2021)

Couldn't resist sharing  this one..


----------



## basilio (12 June 2021)

Old one but a goody.
Mastercard and the "Priceless" ads.


----------



## Craton (18 June 2021)

Not PC but what the hell, here goes.

How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Pour petrol over the cat then throw a lit match at it.

How do you make a dog go "meow"?
Run the dog through a circular saw.


----------



## basilio (18 June 2021)




----------



## basilio (10 July 2021)




----------



## Craton (13 July 2021)

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where you're taking me when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.


----------



## Craton (13 July 2021)

Oh my, how the health experts lie?
They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.


----------



## basilio (13 July 2021)




----------



## Craton (14 July 2021)

My wife caught me watching a pr0n channel on the TV the other day so I quickly turned to a fishing channel. On her way out she said, "You should stay on the pr0n channel. You know how to fish!"


----------



## Craton (15 July 2021)

Three quick ones...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Sydney Tower?
Of course! Buildings can’t jump.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

My partner asked me, "How do I look?"
I said, "With your eyes."


----------



## Knobby22 (22 July 2021)

This one made me laugh.


----------



## basilio (31 July 2021)




----------



## basilio (31 July 2021)




----------



## Craton (4 August 2021)

More quickies:

You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed my brother off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.


----------



## explod (10 August 2021)

> > An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till  night she was always complaining about something.
> > The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
> > Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.  Killed her dead on the spot.
> > At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
> > ...


----------



## basilio (17 September 2021)

Big Bang Theory jokes.

Sheldon arrogantly asked Mary, "If the great flood were true, what pray tell did Noah feed the big cats?" She answered as quick as a wink "The corpses of floating heathens."

Sheldon to Mum. “Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?” “When God writes one, I will.”


----------



## macca (19 September 2021)

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water


----------



## macca (19 September 2021)

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street, when they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asked his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well, flip her over! I'd rather have a puppy!"


----------



## basilio (19 September 2021)




----------



## Knobby22 (20 September 2021)

Proverbs 26:4 and 26:5  Definitely still true.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.


----------



## Knobby22 (23 September 2021)

Sorry, previous was not a joke.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I  am not sure but the flag is a big plus.


----------



## Craton (24 September 2021)

A few more on the ah, offensive side...

*What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?*
Returning to the scene of the crime.

*What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?*
Your virginity.

*What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?*
Getting the water bill.

*How is a sibling-like a laxative?*
They both give you the shits.

*How do you know when the dishwasher has stopped working?*
She’ll be sleeping next to you.

*Why do cats make the perfect animal for experimentation? *
Simple, they have nine lives.


----------



## Knobby22 (6 October 2021)

Wish I had of thought of that.


----------



## basilio (2 December 2021)

A Joke ?  Perhaps. Or a life reflection.


----------



## basilio (2 December 2021)

And how did women view this "True Story "?


----------



## basilio (13 December 2021)

Is this a joke ?  Could it be funny ?  Is Life Imitating Art now ?  

Spanish bishop who married erotica author is stripped of powers ​Xavier Novell i Gomà was Spain’s youngest bishop before abandoning clerical career to marry Silvia Caballol





Xavier Novell i Gomà automatically forfeited his powers as a bishop after marrying Silvia Caballol. Photograph: Iglesia en Valladolid

Sam Jones in Madrid

@swajones
Mon 13 Dec 2021 00.03 AEDT
First published on Sun 12 Dec 2021 13.04 AEDT


A Spanish bishop has been formally stripped of his powers and prohibited from administering the sacraments four months after he abandoned his clerical career to marry a “dynamic and transgressive” erotic novelist.

..It soon emerged that Novell had abandoned his vocation because he had fallen in love with Silvia Caballol, a clinical psychologist who became a novelist in 2015.

.... Caballol’s publisher, Lacre, describes the writer as “a dynamic and transgressive author who’s made her mark on the thorny world of literature by turning all our moral and ethical questions upside down”.

According to the Lacre website, her Amnesia trilogy is about “the logical against the illogical, the rational against the irrational, good against evil, and madness against sanity.”

Novell, who has a degree in agricultural engineering and who was ordained in 1997, is now reported to be working for a company that extracts and sells pig semen.









						Spanish bishop who married erotica author is stripped of powers
					

Xavier Novell i Gomà was Spain’s youngest bishop before abandoning clerical career to marry Silvia Caballol




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## SirRumpole (13 December 2021)

basilio said:


> Is this a joke ?  Could it be funny ?  Is Life Imitating Art now ?
> 
> Spanish bishop who married erotica author is stripped of powers ​Xavier Novell i Gomà was Spain’s youngest bishop before abandoning clerical career to marry Silvia Caballol
> 
> ...



'The Bishop's gambol' for you chess players.


----------



## noirua (28 December 2021)




----------



## Craton (30 December 2021)

Silly season jests.

1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?​Because he knows better than to try the back door.
2. Why was the snowman smiling?​He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
3. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?​Their balls are just ornamental.
4. Why is Santa so damn jolly?​Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
5. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?​They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.


----------



## basilio (11 January 2022)




----------



## basilio (11 January 2022)

*Those of a sensitive disposition leave now . *

Fascinating  Aida.


----------



## macca (12 January 2022)

Sorry it won't enlarge


----------



## Craton (21 January 2022)

More quickies...

*My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.*


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.


*Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”*


Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.


*The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.*


If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.


*I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket:

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”*


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


----------



## wayneL (25 January 2022)

LMAO


----------



## sptrawler (28 March 2022)

A lady and a guy were sitting together on a long haul flight, being strangers the lady decided to strike up conversation, she turned to the guy who was reading a book and asked,"what are you reading"?
To which the man looked up from the book and said, "it is an encyclopedia of sexual facts", not being deterred the lady asked, "have you found any that are interesting".
The man looked up again from the book and said,"yes actually I just read, on average the the American Indians have longest and thinnest penises in the World, whereas the Irish have the shortest and thickest penises".
The lady thinking I really really need to get off this subject says, "oh and by the way what is your name"?
To which he replies, "Tonto O'Shaughnessy".


----------



## noirua (19 June 2022)




----------



## Craton (20 June 2022)

A few jokes with a Russian tilt:

*A Russian man walked into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. *One vodka for me, and one for the road.
*Russian maths teacher:* If I have 5 bottles of vodka in one arm, and six bottles of vodka in the other. What do I have? *Russian Student: *A drinking problem.
*Russian doctor: *Ma’am, due to your declining health, I would advise you to no longer touch anything alcoholic. *Woman: *I guess I’ll have to get a divorce.
*Vodka isn’t just a liquid. *It’s a solution!
*Why is Russian vodka so clear?* It’s so Russians can tell it isn’t tap water.
*A woman asked her husband: *What forces you to drink vodka every day? The husband replied: Nobody forces me, I volunteer.
*Assassination Attempt:*
A man is waiting in line for several hours at his local bank to try to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends up screaming “This was a stupid war. I’m going to go and kill Putin because he’s done all of this.”

He goes to the Kremlin, fuming.

A few minutes later, he is back in line at the bank.

“Hey you came back” says another person waiting in line “what happened?”

“The line at the Kremlin is even longer than this one…”


----------



## basilio (24 June 2022)

*Rupert Murdoch already has a new Tinder profile     * 

Newly single and with a spring in his step, media mogul Rupert Murdoch was back on the prowl this morning, with a brand new profile on dating site Tinder.


----------



## Craton (26 September 2022)

A conversation between a camel and its mother​ 
Baby camel: Mum, why do we have humps on our back?

Mother camel: So that we can store food and water for many days when we trek for long distances in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have thick eyelashes?

Mother camel: So that we can avoid sand from entering our eyes during a sandstorm in a desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why have we got wide feet?

Mother camel: So that we can trek easily in the desert

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have such long legs?

Mother camel: So that we can walk easily on sand and keep our body high above it in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum?

Mother camel: Yes dear?

Baby camel: Then what the hell are we doing in the zoo?


----------



## sptrawler (15 November 2022)

It was my birthday last week, the missus bought me a sweater.
I personally would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.


----------



## Craton (15 November 2022)

_Jokes with a Russian twist._

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

I asked my Russian friend "How is it going?" 
He replied "I can not complain."

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables. 

What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.

*Adam and Eve* 
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."


----------



## basilio (16 November 2022)

* Odds of AFL addressing root cause of Brownlow betting scandal out to 250-1, Sportsbet says       * 








In new markets released this morning, betting company Sportsbet is offering odds of $250 that the AFL will address the underlying gambling culture it has helped create and acknowledge its role in facilitating the Brownlow Medal betting scandal. Official AFL betting partner BetEasy is offering $220, while TAB and PointsBet are each offering $235.                                                                               

Bet365 announced a same-game multi of $320, which pairs an acknowledgement of the role of gambling sponsorship with a plan to do anything about it, in the same bet.

In a special offer, Sportsbet said if the AFL gets halfway to making the connection between betting ads during games and the associated gambling culture, but then loses its train of thought, you’ll get your money back.

In a statement to media today, outgoing AFL chief Gil McLachlan said the AFL takes gambling very seriously. “Just look at any AFL website, broadcast, player guernsey, event or live match and you’ll see how seriously we take it”.









						Odds of AFL addressing root cause of Brownlow betting scandal out to 250-1, Sportsbet says
					

TAB and PointsBet are each offering 235-1




					www.theshovel.com.au


----------



## Dona Ferentes (20 November 2022)

Brainteaser; do you know the answer? 





(_Being Irish may help_)


----------



## SirRumpole (20 November 2022)

Dona Ferentes said:


> Brainteaser; do you know the answer?
> 
> View attachment 149510
> 
> (_Being Irish may help_)



TREE ?


----------



## Dona Ferentes (20 November 2022)

close ......  TEN
.
.
.
(Tree and a turd, thrice) 
.
.
(_ I said being Irish could be an advantage_)


----------



## Knobby22 (20 November 2022)

Dona Ferentes said:


> close ......  TEN
> .
> .
> .
> ...



?


----------



## Dona Ferentes (20 November 2022)

Knobby22 said:


> ?



_ I said being Irish could be an advantage_


----------



## Knobby22 (20 November 2022)

Dona Ferentes said:


> _ I said being Irish could be an advantage_



Finally!
Tree and a turd thrice, 3 1/3 thrice.


----------



## Dona Ferentes (21 November 2022)

Knobby22 said:


> Finally!
> Tree and a turd thrice, 3 1/3 thrice.



I wasn't going to spell it out completely


----------



## Craton (22 November 2022)

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.​ 
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the lunch bell sounds and the kids go for lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,

"I have four questions. My Questions are: Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And where is Sasha?"


----------



## Craton (22 November 2022)

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?​One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.
Trump voters​A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters.
Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. 

The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump voter."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Democrat and my Dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat."

Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump voter."


----------



## basilio (25 November 2022)

Yeah. I thought this darkly funny.

*Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs * 






Republican leaders say the recent shooting in Colorado was a tragedy that never should have happened and have called for new laws to make it harder for citizens to open gay nightclubs.  

Republican Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said it was simply too easy to open a gay nightclub these days. “There are no background checks, there’s no need for a licence – in some states you can simply walk into a bar, put up a rainbow flag and call it a gay friendly space. It’s terrifyingly simple.                                                                                

“If we want these shootings to end, we need to ban the key components that make them possible – gay people in a nightclub”.









						Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs
					

"It's way too easy to open a gay nightclub these days"




					www.theshovel.com.au


----------



## sptrawler (25 November 2022)

basilio said:


> Yeah. I thought this darkly funny.
> 
> *Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs *
> 
> ...



Yes the sad and dark part is neither party seems to have done much about the shootings, in clubs, schools, shopping centres etc.
I think history shows the humour can be applied to both the republicans and the democrats, it's a shame it isn't focused that way.
I guess that wasn't the intent.


----------



## basilio (25 November 2022)

sptrawler said:


> Yes the sad and dark part is neither party seems to have done much about the shootings, in clubs, schools, shopping centres etc.
> I think history shows the humour can be applied to both the republicans and the democrats, it's a shame it isn't focused that way.
> I guess that wasn't the intent.




Hey wait a sec SP.  Lets be absolutely clear here.  From day 1 the Democrats have looked to gun control measures as one particular way to lessen/stop the mass shootings. It isn't the only solution. But it's a start.

From Day 1 the Republicans  have steadfastly refused to countenance any changes in public access to weapons. In fact they have pushed for more relaxed gun controls.
Just saying...


----------



## sptrawler (25 November 2022)

basilio said:


> Hey wait a sec SP.  Lets be absolutely clear here.  From day 1 the Democrats have looked to gun control measures as one particular way to lessen/stop the mass shootings. It isn't the only solution. But it's a start.
> 
> From Day 1 the Republicans  have steadfastly refused to countenance any changes in public access to weapons. In fact they have pushed for more relaxed gun controls.
> Just saying...



Well how long have the democrats been around? And the problems have been around for a long time also, or are you saying this is a new phenomenon in the U.S?
If not, why haven't the democrats done something about it, when they have been in power?
It's a bit like making a joke about a Liberal Govt  'hammering the nurses', because that's what Liberal Governments do, but if you look at recent history that isn't exactly true.
Your mate the shovel would have probably said something like LNP 'screw111g the nurses', I wonder how he will report it?
I don't find him funny, I find a smutty, bigoted, biased, self opinionated, dick, but hey he might appeal to some. 

Today's news, Labor Govt:








						Thousands of nurses strike across WA over failed pay deal, as surgeries cancelled
					

Nurses and midwives have walked off the job, after their union rejected the government's latest pay and conditions offer.




					www.abc.net.au
				



2013 same scenario, Liberal Govt.








						Barnett backs down in nurse pay battle
					

Colin Barnett has caved in to nurses' demands for a hefty pay rise, saying people could have died if staff had walked off the job.




					au.news.yahoo.com


----------



## Craton (28 November 2022)

sptrawler said:


> Well how long have the democrats been around? And the problems have been around for a long time also, or are you saying this is a new phenomenon in the U.S?
> If not, why haven't the democrats done something about it, when they have been in power?



26 Mar 2022:
Senate GOP blocks domestic terrorism bill, gun policy debate after 2 recent mass shootings​


> WASHINGTON (AP) — Democrats’ first attempt at responding to the back-to-back mass shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde, Texas, failed in the Senate Thursday as Republicans blocked a domestic terrorism bill that would have opened debate on difficult questions surrounding hate crimes and gun safety.


----------



## sptrawler (28 November 2022)

Craton said:


> 26 Mar 2022:
> Senate GOP blocks domestic terrorism bill, gun policy debate after 2 recent mass shootings​



The U.S political system sounds like a nuthouse, how many different sections of Government are there and doesn't one party ever get a majority?
It bodes well for Australia becoming a Republic.
All hail the Republic.  🤣  🤣


----------



## Craton (28 November 2022)

sptrawler said:


> The U.S political system sounds like a nuthouse, how many different sections of Government are there and doesn't one party ever get a majority?
> It bodes well for Australia becoming a Republic.
> All hail the Republic.  🤣  🤣
> 
> View attachment 149849



Whoosh!
Sorry, whatever the hell that pic is from, don't know the reference so goes over my head...

That nuthouse in the USA is so because the GOP have claimed the 2nd Amendment as an immoveable object thus, garnishing large and vast swashes of political funding from extremely deep and devoted pockets.
Thus, the GOP membership follow the party line and instead of voting for what is right, good and proper, the arsehats do the exact opposite.
The gun slayings in the USA are beyond a joke and fast becoming a laughing stock. It is down right criminal and the elected GOP reps fail at every turn to even try to change the status quo. Shame on them.

With regards to Australia, Yes I'd like to see us free from the bounds of the "old country".
I can't see us being  or going anywhere near the *cough* "united states" experiment. We are far more coherent regards to interstate law and as a nation as a whole. If nothing else, the USA has displayed what not to do and to find a better path, IMHO.

Anyway, back to the jokes huh?


----------



## sptrawler (28 November 2022)

Agree 100%, I didn't realise GOP was actually a party, like I've said know nothing about the U.S system, but it seems an absolute joke.
As for us being freed from the bounds of the "old country", we seem to have a system of Govt that has stood the test of time and actually works well.
But as usual we always love a chance to reinvent the wheel and make it better.  
But yes we have completely drifted off topic, my bad.


----------



## Craton (29 November 2022)

Republican Party = GOP aka Grand Old Party = Conservatives
Democrats = Democratic Party = Liberals

Back to joking:

There is no Republican Party. There’s a Trump party. The Republican Party is kind of taking a nap somewhere.
_- John Boehner, Republican former Speaker of the House

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks; mostly sits.
- Woodrow Wilson_

Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose.
_- George Will_

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.
_- Franklin Delano Roosevelt_

If Abraham Lincoln could see what’s happened to the Republican Party, he would be the oldest man alive.
_- Guy Endore-Kaiser_

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends ... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
_- Adlai Stevenson_

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.
_- P. J. O'Rourke_

 If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more more happy Republicans?
_- (Unknown Author)_


----------



## Craton (29 November 2022)

The Democrats​A Democrat  politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians   and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.  

“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”  

The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”  

“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains."

*Q*: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? 
*A*: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

*Q*: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
*A*: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

*Q*: : Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet dee
*A*: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Wow *I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat*​He never would have done that when he was alive!
How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?​They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.


----------



## basilio (30 November 2022)

Just thinking that the observations about Republicians are funnier/more insightful than the Dems.


----------



## Craton (30 November 2022)

basilio said:


> Just thinking that the observations about Republicians are funnier/more insightful than the Dems.



Thanks to Trump, the GOP is funnier. Hey, was that insightful? 

President Obama was speaking at one of the Washington Correspondents Dinners.

“The Republican leadership in Congress and I are both committed to working together and compromising to do what’s best for our country.

“This dinner is a perfect example. I wanted to have it at the Marriott Hotel, and they wanted to have it at the Hyatt Hotel. So we compromised and are having it here at the Hyatt.”


----------



## SirRumpole (2 December 2022)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."


----------



## Craton (2 December 2022)

Did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?​ 
Only have Targets.

Calling a friend in Ukraine​ 
“G'day, what is going on ?”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 1,400 tanks, over 60,000 soldiers...”

“And NATO ?”

“Hasn't shown up yet.”

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..​ 
From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take out 100 Russian soldiers!"
The Russian colonel is getting annoyed now, so he sends 100 of his best fighters over the rubble pile.
After a much larger battle, silence ensues but no Russian soldiers return and yet the colonel hears: "One Ukrainian soldier can take out 1000 Russian soldiers!"

The colonel is furious, and sends 1000 of his best soldiers. After a very long battle, a wounded Russian limps back over the rubble towards his battalion:

"COLONEL, IT’S A TRAP! THERE'S TWO UKRAINIANS!!"

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?​I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.


----------



## noirua (15 December 2022)




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## SirRumpole (16 December 2022)

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "Father, Father I'm cold!"
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "Is that better Sister?" he asks. "Yes Father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, "Father I'm still cold!"
So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better Sister?" he asks.
"Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.
So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"
The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"
The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."
So the Father replies,
"Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.


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## sptrawler (16 December 2022)

I have four of the grandkids with me ATM and they actually cracked me up, they ordered me this tee shirt for Christmas, they reckon it's me to a tee. 🤣


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## Craton (19 December 2022)

Some not-for-kids chrissy jokes.

Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?​He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?​Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…​Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?​You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

Christmas is so stupid…​Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?​When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

*Did you know that they say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday?*
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to, sounds pretty Catholic to me.
*
Did you hear about Bert the brown-nosed reindeer?*
He’s second behind Rudolph but can’t stop as quickly.


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## macca (28 December 2022)

Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable.

“Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”

She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”

The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”

Santa says, “Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can’t get up the chimney like this!”


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## Dona Ferentes (4 January 2023)

Went to the Karma Café for a meal. There was no menu. Staff said I'd get what I deserve.


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## Dona Ferentes (4 January 2023)

Dona Ferentes said:


> Went to the Karma Café for a meal..



They now have a fast food outlet;
 Instant Karma.


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## sptrawler (5 January 2023)

Maybe now Scomo isn't so busy, he can be relocated to W.A.









						Fire threatening lives and homes in Western Australia's South-West
					

A bushfire threatens lives and a small number of homes in Thomson Brook in Western Australia's South-West region, about 220km south of Perth.




					www.abc.net.au


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## frugal.rock (Saturday at 11:08 PM)




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