# Clean jokes



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." 

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." 

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. 

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." 

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."


----------



## resourceboom (6 January 2009)

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"


----------



## bigdog (2 March 2009)

*What company logos will look like after the financial crisis is finally over.*


----------



## bigdog (2 March 2009)

*What company logos will look like after the financial crisis is finally over*


----------



## Wysiwyg (29 April 2009)

Probably been done a thousand times ...


 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business role at this convention?”

Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most-well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irishman.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man sai, “Tonto Pappadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”


----------



## Datsun Disguise (29 April 2009)

I like 'em - if only I could remember them.

Reminds me when I was working as an advisor to the Bush administration  during the assault on Bagdad. My boss was giving daily updates on casulaties to Gdubya. We turned up one day with what we thought was good news, no American casualties, although 3 Brazilian soldiers had been caught by an IED - roadside bomb.

It was my bosses turn to speak, as always he led with the bad news first. 
"Sir, Yesterday saw 3 Brazilian soldiers killed, but no others."

At this George looked up clearly stunned, then his head went into his hands, his body started shaking as hug sobs of grief racked his body. We were mystified, - what was the link to Brazil? We should have known this and could have delivered the message more delicately - perhaps said they were Canadians or something. My boss looked at me, plainly angry that I didn't let him know how sensitive the prez was on this topic - I shrugged, I just had no idea what the connection was.

George managed to get himself to a point were he could speak. Lifting his head, tears still running down his cheeks e asked "just how many is a Brazilian anyway?"

boom boom. (pardon the pun)


----------



## frankie_boy (11 May 2010)

Knock knock ......
Who's there ? ...... 
David ...... 
David Who ? ...... 
Gordon open the bloody door and get out of my house...


----------



## Boggo (11 May 2010)

“Two atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, “I think I lost an electron!” The other replies, “Are you sure?”  “Yes, I’m positive.””


----------



## frankie_boy (13 May 2010)

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response. 

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevins hand in his right hand and Waynes hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."


----------



## frankie_boy (14 May 2010)

An 80 year old man finds his wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.
Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I know you can't get it up, so maybe you can drop it in."


----------



## derty (14 May 2010)

*How fights start:*


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* **
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


----------



## Buckfont (14 May 2010)

One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

        The next year I didn`t buy her a gift.

        When she asked why, I replied,

 " Well you still haven`t used the gift from last year! "

        That`s when the fight started.

                        ********

I asked my wife where where she`d like to go for our anniversary?

It warmed my heart to see her melt in sweet anticipation.

     "somewhere I haven`t been in in a long time," she said.

                            I replied 

                  How about the kitchen.

        That`s when the fight started.

                        ********


----------



## frankie_boy (18 May 2010)

My wife asked me to go down to the shops for her and gave me a long list of stuff to buy. She wanted ingredients for soup including cauliflower and peas. She asked me to get a new bulb for the fridge, some elastic to repair the waistband on her jogging pants as well as calling at the local farm for eggs and the vets for a breath freshener for the dog who poisons us every time he yawns. To remember it I wrote it out as follows:

soupacaulifridgeelasticeggspeashalitosis.


----------



## frankie_boy (27 May 2010)

Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command.


----------



## Boggo (27 May 2010)

I just post em


----------



## frankie_boy (28 May 2010)

Wonder woman hasn't actually got a cape, 
She just turned her apron around


----------



## frankie_boy (29 May 2010)

I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

"It's a migraine," he explained.

"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the f**k have you started speaking Italian?"


----------



## Buckfont (30 May 2010)

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house  was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.

She asked: `Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?`
Maria :` Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase.
  The first is that I iron better than you.`
Wife  : `Who says you iron better than me?`
Maria : `Your husband said so.`
Wife  : `Oh ?`

Maria : `The second reason is that I`m a better cook than you.`
Wife  : `Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?`
Maria : `Your husband did.`
Wife  : `Oh.`

Maria : ` My third reason is that I`m a better lover than you.`
Wife  : (really furious now): `Did my husband say that as well?`
Maria : `No Senora... the gardener did.`

Wife  : ` So how much do you want?`


----------



## Mister Mark (30 May 2010)

What do politicians use for contraceptives?

Their personalities


----------



## derty (31 May 2010)

You Know You're A Redneck When..

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


----------



## Calliope (31 May 2010)

Give the Frog a Loan.

http://www.danggoodjokes.com/loan/


----------



## frankie_boy (31 May 2010)

Apparently Gary Coleman had been at death's door for quite some time before he died.

Poor little bloke just couldn't reach the handle.


----------



## frankie_boy (2 June 2010)

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year. 
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!


----------



## Bronte (15 June 2010)

Subject: Socceroos


I know why the Socceroos are performing so badly at this World Cup......

They are playing soccer while the rest of the world is playing FOOTBALL


----------



## Bronte (15 June 2010)

Subject: England


If only John Terry had had an affair with Robert Green's wife.


----------



## dutchie (15 June 2010)

frankie_boy said:


> A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
> Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
> That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
> Bloody good value that!




Can't be an Australian study.

But if he was a POM and if he went to the pub each day then the pub would be about 1.23 miles away and he'd only drink half a pint a day.


----------



## frankie_boy (20 August 2010)

Did you hear about the new box office hit coming out in Australia?

"A Dingo Slapped My Baby!"


----------



## Wysiwyg (1 April 2011)

~ Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4000 per month. 

~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 quid. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.


----------



## Wysiwyg (1 April 2011)

Granny thinks this kid is telling fibs.


----------



## Glen48 (3 April 2011)

Whats the ideal weight for a lawyer?

about 6kg including the urn.


----------



## pixel (3 April 2011)

On his long marches through India, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot; the rough soil gave his feet blisters on the blisters.
As he travelled through desolate areas, where meals and dental hygiene were few and far between, he became quite emaciated; he also suffered from bad breath.
But his mental abilities were Legend.

That is why he is fondly remembered as the *super-calloused fragile Mystic, plagued by halitosis.*


----------



## jbocker (5 April 2011)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian and a Swiss went into a night club.

The doorman says,
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"


----------



## pixel (8 April 2011)

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For  those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella  Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's  in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off  the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever  think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for  the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of  cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher  handy.

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010 :


*  SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of  Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her  ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The  store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the  running toddler was her own son

Start scratching! 


* SIXTH  PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus  medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman  apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was  trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 

Scratch some more...  


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania ,  who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener  malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't  re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked  when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and  survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the  homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his  anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are  more... 

Double hand scratching after this one.. 

*FOURTH PLACE*  

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th  Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after  being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the  beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much  as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at  the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the  yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.. 

Pick a new spot to  scratch, you're getting a bald spot.. 


* THIRD PLACE * 

Amber  Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia  restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and  broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had  thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever  happened to people being responsible for their own actions? 

Only two  more so ease up on the scratching... 


*SECOND PLACE* 

Kara  Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city  because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two  front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room  window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had  to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 


Ok.  Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place  Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of  Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago  motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on  to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the  driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not  surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not  surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's  manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise  control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?  

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their  manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives  who might also buy a motor home.


----------



## bellenuit (8 April 2011)

pixel said:


> It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!





Pixel, those awards were so outrageous that I thought I would search on Google to see if I could locate the original stories concerning the lawsuits.

It appears that they are all fakes. Not surprising.


----------



## pixel (9 April 2011)

bellenuit said:


> Pixel, those awards were so outrageous that I thought I would search on Google to see if I could locate the original stories concerning the lawsuits.
> 
> It appears that they are all fakes. Not surprising.



 I just took them as funnies, without bothering to check their veracity.
But thanks for the follow-up.


----------



## basilio (12 August 2011)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian .. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.......... I'm married to his F****ing' widow."


----------



## Boggo (12 August 2011)

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 feet for 10,000 feet, requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
Expect runway 06."


----------



## robusta (15 November 2011)

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.  

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. 
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. 
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?' 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.


----------



## basilio (18 November 2011)

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet . As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

        The sign says: 
        'SEX FROGS' 

        Only $20 each!
        Comes with complete instructions. 

        The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

        As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

        The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. 

        As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 

        1. Take a shower. 
        2. Splash on some nice perfume. 
        3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
        4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

        She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

        So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

        The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:

        'LISTEN TO ME!! 
        I'm only going to show you how to do this

        ONE ... MORE .... TIME!!!'


----------



## DB008 (18 November 2011)

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.


----------



## DocK (19 November 2011)

Subject: HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

             Now  we know∑  
A  revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

In ancient Israel,  it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto  himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely  woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.   Indeed, she was  often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And  Abraham did look at her (as though she were several saddle bags short of a  camel load) but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will  place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying  what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by  Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he  would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were  an immediate success.  
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the  top price, without ever having to move from his  tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the  drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers  knew.
 It was  called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a  language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People  (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did  secret himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some  of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and  prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot  Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They  were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or  NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches  and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches  were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of  Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did  insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates'  drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we  have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham  looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He  said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied:  "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO,"  said  Abraham.  And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot  Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic  Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate  things around the countryside.   It soon became known as God's Own  Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And  that is how it all  began. 


Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!


----------



## DocK (19 November 2011)

Duties of Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece. 

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. 

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.


God Bless Australian Women


----------



## awg (25 November 2011)

Q) What is the name of a good-looking Lebanese guy?

A) Asif


----------



## pixel (27 December 2011)

*Christmas Carols for the Disturbed*
(Thanks to Val Laughton for collecting these gems)

Schizophrenia: "Do you hear what I hear?"

Multiple Personality Disorder: "We three kings disoriented are."

Dementia: "I think I'll be home for Christmas."

Narcissism: "Hark the herald angels sing ... about me!"

Manic: "Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and trucks and trees and..."

Paranoia: "Santa Claus is coming to get me."

Borderline Personality Disorder: "Thought of roasting on an open fire..."

Personality Disorder: "You better watch out, I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna pout. Maybe I'll tell you why."

Attention Deficit Disorder: "Silent night. Holy ooh look at t hat froggy! Can I have a choc cringle? Why is France so far away? "

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,..."


----------



## Glen48 (28 December 2011)

CONFESSIONAL BOX 

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. 

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" 
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

 bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. 
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

he missus asked if she pleased me in bed. 
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? 
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"

A aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Canberra "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, Apparently she'd stood him up

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out . They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. 
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!




The priest replies, 

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".


----------



## Glen48 (28 December 2011)

The dangers of cut and paste
CONFESSIONAL BOX 

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. 

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, 

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".


----------



## joea (19 January 2012)

The Difference if you Marry a Queensland Girl.

Three friends married women from different parts of Australia.

The first man married a South Australian girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a lady from NSW. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Queensland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Now you why we win so many "State of Origin" games.
joea


----------



## Bill M (19 January 2012)

*Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:*

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.	


6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

*And last, but not least:*

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


*To test this theory:* 
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.


----------



## joea (19 January 2012)

Bill M said:


> *
> 
> 11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
> 
> *



*

I can assure you with No. 11 my dogs looks at me and says. Why/ Why? Why?!!! with his eyes and body language. But a bone settles him. maybe he is kidding me!

joea*


----------



## Eager (20 January 2012)

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and make their way up to the bar. The patrons and the barman couldn't help but to look, but with all the confidence in the world, the one on the right looks at the barman and says, "G'day! I'm John, and this is Jim! We're joined at the hip! Two beers, thanks!"

Since the ice was broken, the barman says, "So, what have you been up to? You seem pretty happy!"

"Going on holidays next week!" said John, "To the good old US of A! We go there every year, just touring around, going from one side of the country to the other!"

"Gee you must like it there!" replied the barman.

"Nup, can't stand the joint!" said John. He continued, "Bloody obnoxious people, the beer tastes like crap, and it's such a povvo place nowadays too!"

The barman is curious now. "So why go?" he asks.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive!!!!!!!" says John.


----------



## Garpal Gumnut (20 January 2012)

Eager, will pay that one.

Just told it at the RIH Public bar, and old Souvlaki has had an ambulance called he was laughing so much, we think he's burst his hernia.

gg


----------



## Wysiwyg (20 January 2012)

A drunk was crawling about on the sidewalk under a lamppost at night.

A Police Officer came up to him and inquired, "What are you doing?"

The drunk replied, "I'm looking for my car keys."

The Officer looked around in the lamplight, then asked the drunk, "I don't see any car keys. Are you sure you lost them here?"

The drunk replied, "No, I lost them over there", and pointed to an area of the sidewalk deep in shadow.

The policeman then asked, "Well, if you lost them over there, why are you looking over here?"

The drunk looked at him and said, "Because the light is better over here."

:


----------



## Julia (20 January 2012)

Thanks, Eager.


----------



## Junior (20 January 2012)

Garpal Gumnut said:


> Eager, will pay that one.
> 
> Just told it at the RIH Public bar, and old Souvlaki has had an ambulance called he was laughing so much, we think he's burst his hernia.
> 
> gg




GG, after hearing you harp on about the RIH so much, I decided to punch it into google to find out what this place looks like.

Discovered that if you type 'Ross Island Hotel' into Google image search, a picture of your ASF avatar comes up on the first page of images!!


----------



## Glen48 (20 January 2012)

This is a bit from left field mate, the captain of the Costa Concordia wants to know if you need any help with your boat policy?" the Triple M announcer said.

"Well, that was one boat that did get stopped, wasn't it," Mr Abbot replied


----------



## bellenuit (20 January 2012)

Glen48 said:


> This is a bit from left field mate, the captain of the Costa Concordia wants to know if you need any help with your boat policy?" the Triple M announcer said.
> 
> "Well, that was one boat that did get stopped, wasn't it," Mr Abbot replied




ABC News Radio this afternoon.  "Abbott tried to link the sinking of the Costa Concordia to his asylum seeker policy...."

What BS. The above accurate quote, from what I remember, clearly shows that it was the radio announcer who made the link in an off-beat humorous fashion. 

Albinese (sp.) was on the radio saying he wouldn't dignify Abbott's remark with a comment. That's all Labor have been doing all day. Commenting on a non-issue.


----------



## Eager (20 January 2012)

Garpal Gumnut said:


> Eager, will pay that one.
> 
> Just told it at the RIH Public bar, and old Souvlaki has had an ambulance called he was laughing so much, we think he's burst his hernia.
> 
> gg



 Cheers,

It did the email rounds at work this week, if it's a newie I'll expect that it will spread pretty quick.


----------



## Eager (1 February 2012)

A big, strapping, but very cocky young bloke on a large building site was sprouting off to anyone within earshot how good, smart and strong he was. Fig jam was his middle name.

An old geezer, small but wiry, challenged him. "Betcha $100 that whatever I put in that wheelbarrow over there, I can push to the boundary fence, but you can't push back here!"

"You're on!" said the tyro, obviously thinking he couldn't lose.

Grabbing the handles of the wheelbarrow, the old bloke said, "Hop in!"


----------



## Glen48 (18 February 2012)

Friday Funnies
Understanding Unemployment

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right, 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%. [Except according to John Williams, it's about 22%]

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: Wait a minute. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are out of work!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are all out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why the government's unemployment figures are improving! 

Magic Numbers

Speaking of suspect numbers, I have no idea how these things work, but they do. Cut and paste the URL in your browser window and follow the instructions. I guarantee (most of) you will be flummoxed.

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

A Newfie

Hailing from a small town in an isolated corner of the Big Island of Hawaii, I have zero understanding of the basis for most intra-national, or intra-cultural humor. For instance, why the New Zealanders and Aussies are always making fun of each other. Or why it is that a number of our Canadian subscribers like to send us jokes about people from Newfoundland (which, I am assuming, is the origin of the word "Newfie"). Even so, the following struck me as somewhat funny, in a juvenile sort of way, so I'm sharing it here. (If you are a Newfie, feel free to send me back something that makes fun of folks who hail from Toronto, whence the sender of this particular joke emanated.)

A Newfie had two red ears and so went to the doctor. The doctor asked the Newfie, "What happened to the ears?"

"Well, I was ironing me shirt and the phone rang... and instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up me iron and stuck it to me ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But that doesn't explain the other red ear. What happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

The Golfing Nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration. 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green - and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 "No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. 

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 

"You missed the goddamn putt, didn't you?"


----------



## bellenuit (16 March 2012)

Two men in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an aircraft of the cheapest of the cheap airlines ever, where the Chief Executive is renowned for his cost cutting. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.  As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


----------



## dutchie (16 March 2012)

bellenuit said:


> Two men in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an aircraft of the cheapest of the cheap airlines ever, where the Chief Executive is renowned for his cost cutting. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
> 
> The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.  As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
> 
> Meanwhile In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."




How do they land?


----------



## rumpole (17 March 2012)

dutchie said:


> How do they land?




Very badly


----------



## Glen48 (17 March 2012)

Once only.


----------



## joea (7 July 2012)

Satnavs.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a drivers friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's 6o klm an hour", it says
"And your doing 65".

It tells me when the light is red
And when to use the break
And tells me it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies the gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives advice

It fills me up on counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed

joea


----------



## Glen48 (10 July 2012)

There was a ragged, old, retired Chief Diver who shuffled into a water front bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign  from the window  and handed it to the bartender. I'd like to apply for  the job," he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Salt, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try. The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. 
By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice  was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike  anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry  eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.  
It's called "Drop your Dacks, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight" said the old Chief Diver after he took a long  pull from the beer. 
The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano  player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that  had the place jumping.
After he finished the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched to the heads. 
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your d#@k is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "I wrote it!!!"


----------



## joea (11 July 2012)

Little Asian kid walks into a bar...
He has the most amazing and colorful parrot on his shoulder...
The barman says "Wow!!! That's awesome, where did you get it?"
"China, there's freaking millions of them!", replied the parrot.
joea


----------



## joea (15 July 2012)

Australia mate  

I remember the cheese of my childhood,
and the bread that we cut with a knife,
when the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed an ice chest,
and the bread was so crusty and hot,
the children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the billy,
with the yummy cream on the top,
our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks,
just a game with our mates in the paddock,
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of lollies was sold
do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic,
or is it....I'm just getting old?

I remember when the loo was the dunny,
and the pan man came in the night,
it wasn't the least bit funny
going out the back with no light.

The interesting items we perused,
from the newspapers cut into squares,
and hung on a peg in the outhouse,
it took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds
but the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's duds

I remember the slap on my backside,
and the taste of soap if I swore
anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed
we ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.

cheers joea


----------



## CanOz (15 July 2012)

joea said:


> Little Asian kid walks into a bar...
> He has the most amazing and colorful parrot on his shoulder...
> The barman says "Wow!!! That's awesome, where did you get it?"
> "China, there's freaking millions of them!", replied the parrot.
> joea




ROTFLMAO!!


----------



## Glen48 (15 July 2012)

Further to Joea:
While these restrictions are limited to a few states, the effect of the legislation has been widespread, such that retailers often carry products that are compliant even outside of these regulated areas...
"'The cost of not complying with this can be extraordinary, as Ace Hardware learned a few years back. In the state's largest settlement, Ace was forced to hand over $850,000 to California's Air Resources Board for selling blends that exceeded state limitations."​Frustrated about the regulations that diluted his windshield wiper fluid to the point of uselessness, Joel took it upon himself to find a solution:"Unable to find what I needed in the physical world -- the world controlled by the state -- I began searching online, and to my never-ending joy found that Amazon offers myriad products and concentrated formulas for windshield wipers.
"So the solution to such madness is simply to mix your own wiper fluid with the concentrated formula at a higher rate than the packaging suggests. In the winter months, you can add a little antifreeze to your wiper fluid as well. These two fixes will roughly return the wiper fluid to its pre-adulterated state, ensuring clean and ice-free windshields for safer driving."​


----------



## waza1960 (26 July 2012)

Just seen this list on another forum............


----------



## joea (26 July 2012)

waza1960 said:


> Just seen this list on another forum............




+1 This referred to your previous post.
joea:bananasmi


----------



## Boggo (26 July 2012)

*This is an extract from the Elizabeth (suburb north of Adelaide) version of Fifty Shades of Grey.*

Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill the lonely hours between Jerry Springer and Days of our Lives.
As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of his Nike vest, his smile told me that it was dole day and I knew that my velour track suit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight.

As I stood in line at the job centre,... thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, sweat and Lynx Africa! I turned and there he was, DWAYNE, with his pants half way down his ****, our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Woolies.
He had already tied his Staffy to a post in the alley way so we would not be disturbed, there was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery.

I knew then that this was love and my life would never be the same again.

I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.


----------



## CanOz (26 July 2012)

Good grief Boggo....


----------



## joea (3 August 2012)

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that  fly never knew what hit it...

joea


----------



## CanOz (7 August 2012)

For those problem solvers amongst us...


----------



## joea (7 August 2012)

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well now Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse .

joea (well it's pretty clean).


----------



## burglar (7 August 2012)

joea said:


> ...
> 
> joea (well it's pretty clean).




You forgot to mention the sand ...


----------



## joea (7 August 2012)

burglar said:


> You forgot to mention the sand ...




??

joea


----------



## CanOz (10 August 2012)

This is a true story

WIFES DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long.
So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what as wrong:He said "Nothing".
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it was nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it..
On the way home, I told him I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving..
I cant explain his behavior. I dont know why he didn't say "I love you too".
When we got home,I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted,and that his thoughts were somewhere else..
He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.







HUSBANDS DIARY

A four putt.......who the ---k four putts?


----------



## joea (14 August 2012)

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!! 


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. 
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 
"What are these, Dad? 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied t he boy pensively. 
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." 
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking 
up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....


----------



## johenmo (18 August 2012)

BACKGROUND: The Higgs Boson particle is being called the God particle.  It's currently considered the elementary particle with out which, matter cannot exist.

JOKES for Geeks:
The Higgs Boson enters a Catholic church.  The Priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here".  The Higgs Bososn says "But you can't have mass without me!"

Breaking news:  Apple takes out patent on Higgs Boson particle.  Sends a case-and-desist letter to the universe.

also, consider this....

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A blonde walks into a bar.  She say to the barman "Give me a double entendre."  So he gave her one.


----------



## MrBurns (3 December 2012)

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

 "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

* "He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

*"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


* "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow


* "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


* "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas


* "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain


* "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde


* "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


* "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ....if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.


* "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop


* "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright


* "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb


* "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson


* "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating


* "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand


* "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker


* "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain



* "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West


* "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


* "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


* "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."
-       Groucho Marx.


----------



## StevieY (4 December 2012)

A man goes up to a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Do you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


----------



## burglar (25 December 2012)

A headmistress was wanting a proper Latin motto for the school.
The English one read "Listen Look Learn".
Imagine her surprise when she read the sign painted in huge letters.

Audio Video Disco


----------



## MrBurns (26 December 2012)

A failed Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, and a Communist walk into a BAR. 

Bartender asks....  













"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


----------



## Joe Blow (3 February 2013)

Sometimes ASF's traffic spikes on random days for mysterious reasons. It did so on January 23 and 24 this year and a quick scan of our website statistics revealed the reason. This thread was listed as one of the "Top 10 Australia Day Websites" by the YOURLifeChoices Australia website.

Congratulations to all the contributors! Let's keep the thread going with many more clean jokes that everyone can enjoy!


----------



## Purple XS2 (4 February 2013)

One morning before sun-up, station manager says to one of the boundary riders:

"want yer t' cruise the eastern ranges - come back in a couple of days ...".
 Boundary rider says " ... " (nuthn)

"and you, go with him..."

2 boundary rider says "..." (nuthn)

They saddle up: first boundary rider looks to the eastern dawn; says

"t's gunna be bloody 'ot tday..."

 2nd rider says "..."

They ride through the day. Early afternoon, sun high in the sky.
1st rider looks up & around, squints at the sun:

"t's bloody hot tday..."

2nd rider: "..."

Come early evening, they dismount near a waterhole, unstrap their swags.

1st rider says "was bloody hot tday..."

2nd rider looks at him, shakes his head, re-packs his swag and mounts up.

1st rider: "what's your problem...?"

2nd rider: "   too much bloody talk around here..."


----------



## macca (10 February 2013)

What do you call a sheep with no legs?


A cloud


----------



## Gringotts Bank (14 February 2013)

Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus.  I've been Googling like crazy and no luck.  She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public.  A bit like a female Borat.

Thanks


----------



## pixel (14 February 2013)

macca said:


> What do you call a sheep with no legs?
> 
> 
> A cloud




What do you call a dog with no legs?


Doesn't matter what you call him. He won't come.


----------



## pixel (14 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus.  I've been Googling like crazy and no luck.  She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public.  A bit like a female Borat.
> 
> Thanks




Julia Morris


----------



## Gringotts Bank (14 February 2013)

pixel said:


> Julia Morris




Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris.  Has her own TV show.  Long hair, quite nice looking.


----------



## pixel (14 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris.  Has her own TV show.  Long hair, quite nice looking.




try here: http://www.entertainoz.com.au/entertainers/comedians/female-comedians


----------



## DocK (14 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris.  Has her own TV show.  Long hair, quite nice looking.




Catherine Tate or Jennifer Saunders???


----------



## Gringotts Bank (14 February 2013)

DocK said:


> Catherine Tate or Jennifer Saunders???




Thanks but niether of them!

I don't think she does stand up routines pixel.


----------



## MrBurns (15 February 2013)

Ruby Wax ?


----------



## nulla nulla (15 February 2013)

Pamela Stevens?


----------



## burglar (15 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Definitely a Brit, the one I'm thinking of, and much more crude than Morris.  Has her own TV show.  Long hair, quite nice looking.




Not the other Julia, then!


----------



## Gringotts Bank (15 February 2013)

Thanks guys.  None of them.  :1zhelp:


----------



## DocK (15 February 2013)

Katy Brand, Julia Davis, Morgana Robinson, but probably not Jo Brand


----------



## nomore4s (15 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus.  I've been Googling like crazy and no luck.  She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public.  A bit like a female Borat.
> 
> Thanks




What channel?


----------



## Gringotts Bank (15 February 2013)

None of those Dock.

It was aired fairly frequently last year, quite late about 11pm, midweek.  Not on at the moment.


----------



## bellenuit (16 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> Can anyone tell me the name of that British female comedian who occasionally appears on late free-to-air tv here in Aus.  I've been Googling like crazy and no luck.  She has quite baudy humour and is often doing street scenes with unsuspecting public.  A bit like a female Borat.




I was just flicking through the Foxtel channels and on The Comedy Channel is a British lady with her own show that seems like what you described. Her name is Olivia Lee and the show is called: *Olivia Lee; Dirty, Sexy, Funny*.


----------



## pixel (16 February 2013)

bellenuit said:


> I was just flicking through the Foxtel channels and on The Comedy Channel is a British lady with her own show that seems like what you described. Her name is Olivia Lee and the show is called: *Olivia Lee; Dirty, Sexy, Funny*.




Thanks bellenuit,

she should fit the bill: 
long blonde hair; dirty, sexy, and funny; plus, she has appeared on free-to-air channel 7


----------



## Gringotts Bank (16 February 2013)

THANK YOU BELLENUIT!!:


----------



## dutchie (16 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> THANK YOU BELLENUIT!!:




Was there a prize?


----------



## Gringotts Bank (16 February 2013)

I was just checking some of the youtube videos.  Not screamingly funny, but quite entertaining nonetheless.  I think she was at her best as Bunny Boiler in  Balls of Steel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPQ1h1f564
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x5e-U8pHco

The prize is a smile on your dial dutchie!


----------



## DocK (16 February 2013)

dutchie said:


> Was there a prize?




At least now I can stop wondering......


----------



## raindy12 (18 February 2013)

Thanks for sharing


----------



## Gringotts Bank (18 February 2013)

raindy12 said:


> Thanks for sharing




No, thank you.  I insist.


----------



## explod (18 February 2013)

Gringotts Bank said:


> No, thank you.  I insist.




Ah well, if he won't take it just drop it in the hat on the way out; 

only gold coins mind


----------



## spooly74 (15 March 2013)

Just got this through in an email.


*A Lesson In Political Spin*

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland, Australia, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor. 

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail. 

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 



So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.
Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.. 

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. 

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." 

NOW, That's how its done, folks!


----------



## basilio (15 March 2013)

Very Droll Spooly..

It is of course just a clever hoax email that has been used a squillion times for many politicians and public figures.

I suppose the real (bad) joke is that this and many similar stories turn on on "hate" websites that don't waste their time checking up on stories that trash the right people.

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/remus-rudd-hanged-horse-thief-hoax.shtml


----------



## CanOz (15 March 2013)

Good one Spooly

How embarrassing...


----------



## basilio (15 March 2013)

CanOz said:


> Good one Spooly
> 
> How embarrassing...




You didn't actually believe that story did you...??


----------



## CanOz (15 March 2013)

basilio said:


> You didn't actually believe that story did you...??




Actually i did... He is a politician after all!


----------



## basilio (13 April 2016)

Couldn't resist this joke.  

Enjoy!!

____________________________________________________________________

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"  ....Says the duck. 

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," 

Says the barman as he pours the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.  Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him......

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 

"Hey Mr. Duck, I'm positive I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," 

Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," 
Says the barman.

"The circus?" 
Repeats the duck.

"That's right," 
Replies the barman.

"The circus?" 
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?" 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..........

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"


----------



## pixel (14 April 2017)




----------



## explod (14 February 2018)

About time we fired up some humor around here, so:-

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.


----------



## explod (21 February 2018)

Something to remember as we get older....

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.


A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


----------



## SirRumpole (21 February 2018)

explod said:


> 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
> 
> The waiting room erupted in laughter...




That would only be a clean joke if he was wearing a condom on his ear.


----------



## noirua (11 December 2020)




----------



## SirRumpole (6 September 2022)

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."


----------



## Eager (9 September 2022)

^ Yes, blonde MEN are so stupid, aren't they?  (just trying to save you from bring labelled as mysogynist, old mate).

Anyways...apparently, people living in Dubai don't like watching the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do! 

Love and kisses,

Bruce.


----------



## Dona Ferentes (17 September 2022)




----------



## Dona Ferentes (16 December 2022)

The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is that one of them is not an elephant.


----------



## Dona Ferentes (17 December 2022)

When addressing a person accused of excessive comma usage, the judge said the community expected a very long sentence.


----------

