# Does loyalty in marriage pay dividends?



## McMark (5 March 2009)

It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
Last year my son left home to study in a capital city, then my old dog died,
my father went mad with dementia after helping my mother with him for some years and the family had him admitted to full care. Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent. While recovering I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 4 yrs. If this sounds like whinging and whining I apologise, unfortunately you cant discuss this sort of stuff with people you are connected with because it tends to be seen to be attempting to bring people on side. So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.


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## Sean K (5 March 2009)

counselor .....

good luck.


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## inenigma (5 March 2009)

Stop Loss ??


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## Trevor_S (5 March 2009)

McMark said:


> It hasnt with Zinifex




I had owned Pasminco, so there was no way I was ever going to touch Zinifex ... let alone Oz.



McMark said:


> Am I going mad?




As to the rest of your tail of woe... I am not sure if I should touch this.  The only thing I would suggest is talk to the other half, a serious long talk be very open and honest about your thoughts.  Try not to be angry though.

I have been through some of what you have been through and a few different things as well (father instead of dog for example) and am just starting to come out the other side... I hope

The rest of it just happens and is part of life, sucky as it is.  People age and get sicker as they age, friends and family start to die, animals age and die, kids move on..

best of luck to you !


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## McMark (5 March 2009)

thanks guys


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## JimBob (5 March 2009)

Hire a private investigator to calm your paranoia.


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## Ashsaege (5 March 2009)

Jeez doesnt sound too good mate.

But don't become the victim. 

My girlfriend's father recently passed away due to a heart attack. She's being going through an extremely tough time, but I find her really inspirational because she refuses to be the victim. She is getting on with her life and is starting to kick goals with her business.

A guy at my work told me the story about his close mate. His mate was a director of a company and was doing quite well. But his wife decided to leave him and she took everything. This guy didn't decide to become the victim, but instead he thought 'F@ck it, i will show her'. 
He now has $6million worth of debt, and $30-40million worth of property in QLD.
He is currently somewhere in Vietnam enjoying himself. Happy finish.


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## nomore4s (5 March 2009)

Ouch, now that's a bad year.

I would suggest that after your wife having an affair for 4 years I would think it will be very hard to trust her again. You may never ever get that trust back now.

My Advice - F her off and get a new dog :. But in reality this is of course alot harder than that. You just need to work through things and decide whether the relationship is worth saving as it will require alot of hard work from you and your wife to save it.

Good luck and after going through a messy break up myself I feel for you.


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## tech/a (5 March 2009)

Been at both ends.

Ive learnt this.
(1) If your really in love you wont look or be tempted elsewhere.
(2) Make it plain stupidity for your partner to look elsewhere---if of course you love them.

Have a good look at yourself---would any woman at your age or better still 10 yrs younger fall over themselves to be YOUR partner?---If the answers NO then why would you expect your partner to put up with less. If YES then shes nuts and you'll have a ball checking out the credentials of your next partner.

(3) Above all if all is lost,negotiate negotiate negotiate and be very very friendly.Display HURT not anger. Give sympathy NOT animosity. What you give out you'll get back!!!

Finally
There is always opportunity.
Humans are strange creatures when we become hurt by a partner we think that there is only one partner for us out of the 6,000,000,000 people out there!
Make yourself a MALE MINX.
Time for a make over. The best payback is YET TO COME.


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## disarray (5 March 2009)

McMark said:


> Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent.




i found with some of the older men in my family / circle that a realisation of their mortality brings about huge shifts in behaviour. people who were pricks for a long time suddenly became nice once they realised the end was actually within sight. sometimes it is too late and they can make amends all they want but it isn't enough to make up for a lifetime of being a selfish asshole. sometimes there is enough time to put in the hard emotional yards and mend those burnt bridges so that when they die the people they love will mourn them, which is pretty much the best outcome you can hope for at the end of your life.

it seems weird posting your heart on a public message board full of stock traders but if it helps you then i hope it does. i like to keep a circle of female friends (preferably married / attached so there aren't any sex hangups) to vent my emotional stuff to, you got some women to talk to? either way the most important thing to do is ask the following questions and be brutally honest, if you just bullsh1t yourself you'll never grow as a person.

why did your wife have an affair?

do you truly love her? or is it just emotional habit?

trust is something that grows and is easily shattered. it can be put back together again but you need self-realisation (in the zen kinda sense) to put it into persepective, otherwise your ego will just get in the way and you won't be able to process your emotions effectively. only when you understand the hows and whys of your emotions can you master them, and the more you can master them the better the person you can be. 

best of luck, i hope it works out ok for you.


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## Bushman (5 March 2009)

disarray said:


> trust is something that grows and is easily shattered. it can be put back together again but you need self-realisation (in the zen kinda sense) to put it into persepective, otherwise your ego will just get in the way and you won't be able to process your emotions effectively. only when you understand the hows and whys of your emotions can you master them, and the more you can master them the better the person you can be.
> 
> .




You could apply this statement to the greedy bankers out there too (Thain, Pankrit, the dude from Lehmans etc). Bet you there is some soul searching happening in the back of those corporate paddy vans. 

Sorry to detract conversation from the ASF relationship love-in. My advice is write-off the wife from the emotional balance sheet and get on with your life. You will always resent her deep down and that will fester away in you, further eroding your sense of self-worth. But then again I am a dysfunctional business analyst so maybe listed to some of the other blokes.


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## Knobby22 (5 March 2009)

Someone has analysed your relationship, refer below:
maybe some ideas?

http://www.epinions.com/review/kifm-Network-Cartoon_Network-Flintstones/content_8567033476

Fred Flintstone: represents the Working Class Man--blue collar American. He always thinks of himself first, and has to fix the damages as a result of his actions later. Fred is given to bouts of anger at his wife, Wilma, and his neighbor/best friend Barney. He will often do things with Barney at the expense of his relationship with Wilma, and they're often teamed against each other, driving Wilma and Fred farther apart. A prototype of Homer Simpson, but more malicious and more likely to be an abusive husband. 

Wilma Flintstone: Conniving, back-biting wife who is far more likely to undermine and conspire against Fred than to team up with him. She and Betty are good friends, but Wilma often resents the loveless marriage she was forced into by her bullying man. Left at home often to take care of Pebbles and the house--her life is made easier by the slavery of other beasts like her mammoth dishwasher. She and Betty will often go on shopping sprees that neither family can afford, putting them on enormous credit card bills, and then having to come up with Get Rich Quick schemes later to pay for them.


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

Marriage is probably worth it for the lucky ones who pick the right person, more often than not the decision the marry is made when the lights are out.

Cant tell what's right for *YOU* but I would throw her out and send her to him and divorse her immediately.

Money ? well it's only money. your freedom is worth more.

Try to work out why you married her in the first place and dont make that mistake again.

Have your op.

Book a tour of Europe in a group not that expensive for one person.

Settle back and reflect on how you got caught up in all this **** , after all it only happens to others doesnt it ?


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## Prospector (5 March 2009)

Sorry this seems to have come all at once for you.

The most crippling thing with disloyalty in marriage, is that it destroys trust.  And once that 'perfect trust' has gone, then every act seems suspicious, whereas before you wouldnt have given it a second thought.  You are obviously checking her mobile phone?  Hell, I wouldnt like my hubby to do that and I have nothing to hide.  So this isnt good for you, and it isnt good for her.  She may just as well be guilty (again) because you think she is anyway.

You will need to think about whether or not you can move past that; if you can't, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being suspicious about, well, everything she does?  I cant imagine she would want that either.  Not a great basis to sustain a healthy relationship either.  You deserve better.

A Counsellor will help you sort this out.  Go and see one before you take one step too far.  It really will help you to sort the issues out.

All the best.


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## Sir Osisofliver (5 March 2009)

Threesome!!

:nuts:

Ok Well maybe not.

Stop looking at me like that.

I'm leaving now.


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## Julia (5 March 2009)

I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible year.

There have been some good comments made.   I'm with Trevor S in feeling you need to have a frank talk with your wife.   I'm wondering what she wants?
i.e. there seems not much point in your trying to sort out whether you can ever  feel trust again if she's not genuinely interested in your relationship succeeding.

An affair is usually a symptom of an underlying problem.   Did she talk about whatever this may have been when you discovered the affair?

Disarray has made an interesting point about awareness of one's mortality causing evaluation of other aspects of our existence.  Maybe your own illness could also be affecting your wife's attitude towards what she might see as "making the most of what's left of life".   

As Prospector suggests, a good counsellor will help you sort all this out.
If your wife says she genuinely wants to save the relationship, then she will be prepared to engage in counselling with you.

Re the dog:  this is always sad.  Unfortunately, dogs have such short lives.
Hope you'll wait until everything is sorted out before getting another one so if there's a separation the poor dog doesn't get discarded in the process.

Best of luck.


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

Julia said:


> I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible year.
> 
> There have been some good comments made.   I'm with Trevor S in feeling you need to have a frank talk with your wife.   I'm wondering what she wants?
> i.e. there seems not much point in your trying to sort out whether you can ever  feel trust again if she's not genuinely interested in your relationship succeeding.
> ...




She's been having this affair for *4 years*

I think the time for "talking it out" and counseling is long past, this is a lifestyle for this woman stop trying to find an underlying reason to let her off the hook.

These things are different for everybody and we shouldnt make judgments (like I have) without knowing all the facts so yes counseling might be best but get a good one.


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## Knobby22 (5 March 2009)

Seriously I am with everyone here (except Mr Burns). (Also, couldn't resist the Fred Flinstone thing).

Rather than hate and checking on phones etc. maybe look at yourself, go to gym to get fit. See what you can do to smooth it over. A holiday perhaps, but I would have the holiday on an island where you can relax and can talk to others as well. 

The affair may have been to improve her self esteem or just boredom or maybe she has no real aims in life. Maybe you could help resolve these in other ways. She didn't leave you. It's not hopeless. Try to work it out without bitterness and hopefully with love. 

I know it would hurt. If it happened to me I would be upset but give her a chance.
You need to discuss it with her showing you are hurt butr without too much anger.


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## marcadrian (5 March 2009)

tech/a said:


> Been at both ends.
> 
> Ive learnt this.
> (1) If your really in love you wont look or be tempted elsewhere.
> (2) Make it plain stupidity for your partner to look elsewhere---if of course you love them.




Rubbish.

A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.

It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.


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## Knobby22 (5 March 2009)

marcadrian said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.
> 
> It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.




Well put.


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

Knobby22 said:


> Seriously I am with everyone here (except Mr Burns). (Also, couldn't resist the Fred Flinstone thing).
> 
> Rather than hate and checking on phones etc. maybe look at yourself, go to gym to get fit. See what you can do to smooth it over. A holiday perhaps, but I would have the holiday on an island where you can relax and can talk to others as well.
> 
> ...




Go to the gym and get fit,????????????? you must be joking the woman has cheated on him for 4 years, who the hell would want to try to win her back, it's a damn disgrace and the man should get as far away as possible from her.


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

marcadrian said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.
> 
> It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.




Thats crap and a cop out of an excuse to play around, if a man loves his wife he wouldnt even dream of it.



> Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.




LOL where do you live...... in a sit com ?


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## Knobby22 (5 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> LOL where do you live...... in a sit com ?




 LOL Is the Flintstones a sitcom? Sort of.
Is The Simpsons a sitcom? It has some things in common.


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## Prospector (5 March 2009)

marcadrian said:


> Rubbish.  A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.




What rot! 



MrBurns said:


> Thats crap and a cop out of an excuse to play around, if a man loves his wife he wouldnt even dream of it.  LOL where do you live...... in a sit com ?




:iagree:


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

I think we know how people lead their lives on how they post in this thread

Gee that shut all the understanding blokes up


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## Sir Osisofliver (5 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> I think we know how people lead their lives on how they post in this thread




Hey I was JOKING Mr Burns!!! I'd NEVER consider a threesome (Unless Scarlett Johansen happened to be available)

@ MarcArdian - Most marriages that last have a side dish???   Nice generalisation numbnuts. Some of us guys actually give a damn about our wives and wouldn't even consider it.

Sir O


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## MrBurns (5 March 2009)

Sir Osisofliver said:


> Hey I was JOKING Mr Burns!!! I'd NEVER consider a threesome (Unless Scarlett Johansen happened to be available)
> 
> @ MarcArdian - Most marriages that last have a side dish???   Nice generalisation numbnuts. Some of us guys actually give a damn about our wives and wouldn't even consider it.
> 
> Sir O




I dont think it's a matter of you considering it's more like how the hell would you find 2 that would be in it

As far as the side dish goes perhaps his wife might like a side dish with a 60% asset parting gift as desert, yuk *that *one up


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## tech/a (5 March 2009)

marcadrian said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.
> 
> It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.





Which part of *IVE FOUND* was it that you didnt understand?


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## nomore4s (5 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> Go to the gym and get fit,????????????? you must be joking the woman has cheated on him for 4 years, who the hell would want to try to win her back, it's a damn disgrace and the man should get as far away as possible from her.




I agree, 4 years isn't just a fling, that's a full blown relationship on the side imo.

I'd be doing what I said in the first place - F-ing her off and getting a new dog but it's never that easy when you're in the middle of it!


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## Buster (5 March 2009)

Hey ASF'ers..

Wow.. deep stuff for this forum.. Interesting though.



Knobby22 said:


> She didn't leave you. It's not hopeless. Try to work it out without bitterness and hopefully with love.




Hmmm.. Yes.. and why not I wonder?? Obviously the other 'man' (doesn't sound right does it, I guess we are conditioned only for 'the other woman'..) is not able to fulfill some other aspect that she requires.

She's obviously hanging around for some reason, noting that your health concern is only recent and the affair has been going on for some time I'd tip it's not that you were old and frail and she was simply waiting for you to pop your clogs and then live happily ever after with your assets..

I'd suspect that he is probably not able to keep her in the manner that she may have become accustomed (the material sense)..

Maybe he is also married, if so it might be worthwhile having a chat with his missus and ensure she is fully aware of the 'current situation'.  Possibly even give his wife a tap.. probably won't make the situation any better but would have to be good for the ego  (and knock some of the wind out of his..)

Regardless, if she's only hanging around because you've got deep pockets and pay the bills I'd be paying her off in a heartbeat..

Unfortunately due to the 'no fault' rule here in Oz, you will take a nasty hit when you part ways.. 

Personally, I believe that this rule is the root of many of the 'social' problems we have here in Australia.. the fact that your other half can decide that they want to do something different and take you to the cleaners is very very wrong in my book.  As soon as you start messing around with anything else , in my view you've broken your 'contract' and forfeit your normal 'entitlements'.. probably a fairly simplistic view, but then I'm a fairly simplistic bloke.. 

Hope whichever way you go you end up getting it sorted with the minimum of fuss..

Regards,

Buster


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## MRC & Co (5 March 2009)

People are acting like there is some universal rule.

Some who love their partner would never cheat, others would and others do it openly (swingers).

Everybody is different, pretty simple really.

Only you know your situation or can find it out. 

My opinion, find out why she did it, if you both want to work it out and then try to sort through the underlying cause (if there is one at all, other than her wanting some excitement).  

Tough year, good luck!


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## theasxgorilla (5 March 2009)

MRC & Co said:


> People are acting like there is some universal rule.
> 
> Some who love their partner would never cheat, others would and others do it openly (swingers).
> 
> ...




Wise beyond your years MRC & Co.  Exactly my point of view.  And someone else said something about the "not being a victim" mentality.  Very important IMO that one keeps off that slippery slope.


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## Green08 (5 March 2009)

I am assuming you're having sex with her again.

Have you ask her if she had anything (of course they say no) ask her to have a blood test and you see the printed results.  4 years is a long time. And your assuming she had one partner in that time, could be a few more.

Some precarious germs can hide for months or years. Watch you phyiscal health as well as your mental one.


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## ColB (5 March 2009)

> *Originally Posted by ASXGORILLA*
> 
> "Wise beyond your years MRC & Co. Exactly my point of view. And someone else said something about the "not being a victim" mentality. Very important IMO that one keeps off that slippery slope."






> *Originally Posted by MRC & Co*
> 
> "People are acting like there is some *universal rule*..."




But she has broken the Law of the Jungle!  You don't normally see the flowers chasing the Bees


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## So_Cynical (5 March 2009)

Hey McMark your story sounds similar to a guy i met at Sydney airport a few years 
ago, he was on the same plane as me heading for the Philippines, he was 52 and 
going on his first plane trip ever, going to met his internet girlfriend.

Loyalty in marriage, in fact in any relationship...pays dividends when that loyalty is 
respected and reciprocated...your not the problem mate, its the misses...text 
messages do not magically disappear.

If u cant live with what she has done...then u need to bite the bullet and make 
the hard decisions, i know u weren't expecting this at this time in your life but 
u do have to except, and deal with the crap that life throws at u.

Good luck.


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## Green08 (5 March 2009)

> Loyalty in marriage, in fact in any relationship...pays dividends when that loyalty is
> respected and reciprocated...your not the problem mate, its the misses...text
> messages do not magically disappear.




You are precise in that So-Cyincal - loyality is respect, trust and reciprocation.  

Sounds like the lady is not paying dividends anymore. So what to do with the shares? Professional advise, look at options and perhaps sell out if you can't see positive growth in the future from an investment that has lost value due to its precarious nature.


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## rustyheela (5 March 2009)

you have been betrayed big time. get out, move on, forget her. maybe a one off short term affair is forgiveable - we all make mistakes, heh we r all human, but a 4 year premeditated deception, the lying, avoiding, lack of honesty. wots the point? if someones not happy, cut the bull****, be honest, dont hurt the people that care n F#$% off. lifes to short for that crap, u deserve better than that 

and you are better than that!!


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## CanOz (5 March 2009)

So_Cynical said:


> Hey McMark your story sounds similar to a guy i met at Sydney airport a few years
> ago, he was on the same plane as me heading for the Philippines, he was 52 and
> going on his first plane trip ever, going to met his internet girlfriend.




Sounds like a plan right there, pack up and tour Asia for a while. If anything it will clear your mind of other things, that's for darn sure!

Don't fall in love with the first girl you meet though!

CanOz


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## Green08 (5 March 2009)

> Don't fall in love with the first girl you meet though!




Don't you me LUST!  Geez give love at least a week to fall into place:


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## rustyheela (5 March 2009)

touring asia? all those girls will "love u longtime" mr! depends wot part of asia ya talkin, n wot ya "bent" is!!


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## Julia (5 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> She's been having this affair for *4 years*
> 
> I think the time for "talking it out" and counseling is long past, this is a lifestyle for this woman stop trying to find an underlying reason to let her off the hook.



Mr Burns, that's a very reasonable comment.  If someone had cheated on me for four years that would be the end, no questions or considerations.
But if it were that simple for McMark, he wouldn't be on an internet forum asking for opinions about his situation.  It sounds as though, despite the infidelity, he wants to retain the relationship.

I wasn't 'trying to find an underlying reason to let her (or him) off the hook" as you put it.   But relationships are rarely uncomplicated.
Let's remember we only have McMark's side of the story here.
Not making any suggestions here, McMark, but for all anyone on ASF knows you could have had serial affairs all your married life.  
In other words, we have no idea of all the dynamics of the relationship so it seems to me precipitate to make judgements.






> These things are different for everybody and we shouldnt make judgments (like I have) without knowing all the facts so yes counseling might be best but get a good one.



As I said before, a first test of her commitment or otherwise would be if she is prepared to have counselling.  Even if this doesn't result in saving the marriage, it can make the separation process more civilised.


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## moXJO (5 March 2009)

rustyheela said:


> touring asia? all those girls will "love u longtime" mr! depends wot part of asia ya talkin, n wot ya "bent" is!!




Herpes "love you long time" too.

 Two choices really. Deal with it, and accept what happened. Do whatever it takes to resolve the problem. Or plan an exit and move on, and maybe find happiness elsewhere. Staying often seems easier. Leaving can be scary. Sometimes the hard road is more fulfilling. Really depends on you though. Don't live a lie while time is slipping away.


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## MrBurns (6 March 2009)

Julia said:


> Mr Burns, that's a very reasonable comment.  If someone had cheated on me for four years that would be the end, no questions or considerations.




Julia, I was just saying how I would react, everyones different I know.
It's a big bad world and the differences between people are sometimes huge, sometimes not ,depends in what context.


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## billv (6 March 2009)

mate, 
Does she know that you know?
Are the assets in both names?
before you do anything consider the financial implications
Asset protection comes to mind.
Look into it.
I know it's a complex issue but cheaters IMO should not be rewarded


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## MrBurns (6 March 2009)

McMark said:


> It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
> Last year my son left home to study in a capital city, then my old dog died,
> my father went mad with dementia after helping my mother with him for some years and the family had him admitted to full care. Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent. While recovering I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 4 yrs. If this sounds like whinging and whining I apologise, unfortunately you cant discuss this sort of stuff with people you are connected with because it tends to be seen to be attempting to bring people on side. So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
> This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
> I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.




Just re read the original post and will respond to that rather than just give my knee jerk reaction as if it were me.

It sounds like you've had it out with her , are still together but she's still acting strangely.

From what you said it sounds like she's still got this thing going with whoever it is, you dont just stop an affair after 4 years.

Trust is out the window , you should examine what will happen if you split and if that's bearable do it, financial and emotional consequences need to be considered.

Emotionally is't hard but sometimes the only way is to split.

If you dont split it seems you will have to accept that you live together but lead separate lives , I couldnt do that perhaps you can, I think a a number of  couples do that for the convenience of it.

From what I've read I think there's little chance you will ever be able to resolve this and mend the damage.

You will probably never trust her again so just accept that, either go or stay and live with it, at least now you know the truth.


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## tech/a (6 March 2009)

> I know it's a complex issue but cheaters IMO should not be rewarded




Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.


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## MrBurns (6 March 2009)

tech/a said:


> Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.




No fault divorse - 

She screws the entire local football team does nothing for 20 years makes your life hell, screws your neighbours and everyone but you then walks away with half or more of your life's work, because thats what she's entitled to under the law.


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## kincella (6 March 2009)

my 2 cents worth...sometimes the  'affair' itself is more exciting than the actual relationship....maybe they are both cheating on a spouse ......just wondering why she is still with you....??? has not left you....if she were in love with another why not leave....or are the financial affairs of the marriage more important to her.......
you need a counsellor with both of you to bring out the truth....
maybe the other one has a similar tie up ...more financially attractive to stay with his partner.....
or maybe its just a 2nd life change thing with a younger man...with no real intention of leaving you...just a fling thats gone on too long....

on the other hand...can you imagine life without your partner....living alone etc...would you find another ?  too many questions...and you need to protect yourself financially......try counselling and working it through.....being divorced or separated has the same stress levels of a death....the loss of a loved one

I left a cheating spouse many many years ago....never replaced them....enjoy living alone.....the other one has had numerous relationships...and still cheats on the partners..........
some people ignore the infidelity....to protect the financial assets
good luck for the future


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## MrBurns (6 March 2009)

I think counseling for sure, no doubt that's your next move. *BUT get a good one*


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## Nyden (6 March 2009)

kincella said:


> some people ignore the infidelity....to protect the financial assets
> good luck for the future




Sorry to go a touch off topic, but I think that's truly sad. Another argument supporting prenuptial agreements I suppose. Out of curiosity, would anyone feel offended if their partner asked this of them? Surely it's just playing the odds, as I believe something like 1/3 marriages fail. I personally believe that by taking financial risk out of the equation, many marriages might be stronger for it.

I realise that it's not exactly romantic (mentioning that there's a 33% chance of divorce!), but such discussions could even lead to more realistic expectations prior to marriage. It can't always be lust, candles, and bubble-baths 

Back on topic, Mark - I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do, or what you - or your partner is feeling now. It all depends on whether or not you both want to continue on, and more importantly - if you feel as though you can ever trust her again, or even respect her for that matter. If you feel unable to do this, (and unable to rectify that in the future) then it is simply unfair on both of you to continue.


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## Snakey (6 March 2009)

tech/a said:


> Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.



What about the illegal system?


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## xyzedarteerf (6 March 2009)

CanOz said:


> Sounds like a plan right there, pack up and tour Asia for a while. If anything it will clear your mind of other things, that's for darn sure!
> 
> Don't fall in love with the first girl you meet though!
> 
> CanOz




there a wee bit pricey considering there's a recession...







seriously though hope you come through ok...my sister and my sister in law's marriages a came apart a few years back its no laughing matter specially with kids involved...Good Luck.


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## billv (6 March 2009)

Nyden said:


> or even respect her for that matter.




Good point


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## tech/a (6 March 2009)

These new proposed laws which are designed to allow people who have been in long term Affairs to lay claim to each parties assets may have some impact.

But I wonder if they have taken into consideration.
(1) The other innocent party being further disadvantaged by such a claim,particularly if that party wishes to continue the Marriage. (I know 2 couples that have and are still together 15 and 20 yrs respectively).
OR
(2) There are some sick people out there who could entrap wealthy lovers (And they may well be single) with the view of getting a windfall---even if initially they are seen to split!!

I also knew of a couple who openly allowed the wife to have affairs---and she took great advantage of it having 9 that I knew of. They stayed together for their 25 yrs of marriage he 15 years her senior until she died of Breast Cancer---well before her time (Or not soon enough perhaps to some!).

Its a weird world we live in!


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## awg (6 March 2009)

McMark said:


> It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
> So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
> This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
> I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.





As this is a money orientated forum, I will first say that a divorce will f*ck yr finances beyond belief...I have seen this outcome MANY times

If I was you I would definitely schedule marriage counselling, as it should draw out and focus on the issues, individual psychological therapy can be undertaken as well, (separate counsellors) 

IMO an affair should not be the defining reason for marriage finishing, a huge number of couples are married, with all sorts of irregularities, I can think of many prominent persons etc.

You have not indicated if both u, and yr partner think it is best, on balance to continue or not?


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## marcadrian (6 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> Thats crap and a cop out of an excuse to play around, if a man loves his wife he wouldnt even dream of it.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL where do you live...... in a sit com ?




Wouldn't even dream of it?

Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone other than your wife?

Applause necessary if this is the case.

Don't let it stop you from realising that some men go through particularly hard patches in their marriage. (Women too, but lets focus on the men for a second). The secretary at work is listening to your problems more than the wife. Sex hasn't been on for two years because your wife has hang ups about her body, and while you love her with all your being, the girl at the bar keeps making suggestions that she thinks shagging you would be better than winning the lottery.

Just because you cross the line does not mean that you automatically do not love your wife. We're human, we make mistakes. It's your sort of dangerous attitude that doesn't let people recover from them and make amends.


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## Largesse (6 March 2009)

marcadrian said:


> Wouldn't even dream of it?
> 
> Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone other than your wife?
> 
> ...




MATE,


FLING =/= 4 YEAR AFFAIR


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## So_Cynical (6 March 2009)

MrBurns said:


> No fault divorse -
> 
> She screws the entire local football team does nothing for 20 years makes your life
> hell, screws your neighbours and everyone but you then walks away with half or
> more of your life's work, because thats what she's entitled to under the law.




At least she don't automatically get the kids any more 

John Howard's greatest accomplishment.



marcadrian said:


> Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone
> else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone
> other than your wife?
> 
> Applause necessary if this is the case..




I know i never did....and pity any man or woman in that situation....my ex is still the 
hottest looking 43 year old i know.


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## daisy (6 March 2009)

This may not be about money. Marriages get tired. Sex gets stale. Maybe your wife loves you which is why she hasn’t left you but needs something else as well. A middle-aged woman looking in the mirror feeling time is running out. Children need her less and less. The escapism and excitement of an affair. Forbidden sex must have an extra element of excitement. Not my style but I’d be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought about it. And I do love my husband. 

My first husband was “a player”. I could almost have coped with the actual sexual infidelity. It was the lying that I could not cope with and caused me to move on despite his genuine hurt that I did so.
Get counselling. You may at least find out why. Which will help you move beyond this either with your wife or without her.


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## Julia (6 March 2009)

Daisy, realistic and thoughtful post.


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## MRC & Co (7 March 2009)

Julia said:


> Daisy, realistic and thoughtful post.




Completely agree.

Though I think you could work this out the same way without a tit for tat counsellor.  Just MVHO (my very honest opinion).

As much as they try not make it that way, tell someone not to think of an elephant in a pink sweater.  First thing you think of is.......


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## SirRumpole (22 December 2021)

Disloyalty in marriage can pay big dividends.









						A sheikh who once spent $3.7m on strawberries has been ordered to pay $1b to settle a custody battle
					

The UK's High Court orders Dubai's leader, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum, to pay more than $1.03 billion to settle a custody battle with his ex-wife over their two children.




					www.abc.net.au


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