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For those on ASF still in the market for new relationship this analysis may be useful.
Or not..
PS the link does take you to the story. The wonders of working Smart TVs is a bonus for the ASF 70 plus posters who aren't looking for a new love but are tearing their hair out with a "Smart" TV
Go Premium
EVER feel women have impossible standards for boyfriends? You’re right. Here are some of their contradictory requirements that mean there’s zero chance of a shag.
Must be good-looking but in no way vain
Many women want a guy with conventional good looks (think: young Hayden Christensen) but who isn’t obsessed with clothes/moisturisers/his hair. Also he should not be aware that he can easily sleep around. Luckily the world is brimming with extremely good-looking men who’ve never encountered a reflective surface.
Must combine spontaneity and meticulous planning
For example: you should suggest a crazy, spur-of-the-moment weekend away, but also like planning holidays with Wehrmacht-style thoroughness so that literally nothing can go wrong. It’s such a contradictory mindset that if you tried to program a robot this way its brain circuits would catch fire and explode.
Must be amazing in bed but without a string of hot exes
Your partner’s exes can be a psychological pain in the arse. You particularly don’t like the thought of them having more fun together or much better sex. Therefore the perfect boyfriend should have no sexual history at all yet somehow be really good at sex, which is eerily similar to being a brand new ‘pleasure model’ replicant.
Must be hard but not get into fights
The ideal boyfriend needs to be harmless 99.9% of the time yet able to intimidate other men in a dodgy situation or to protect you. Unfortunately there’s a reason why some men are good at fighting: they practise a lot. If you go out with one prepare yourself for a thrilling rollercoaster ride of tense nightclub and kebab shop stand-offs.
Must be successful but not off-puttingly ambitious
Granted, careerist twats who say things like ‘failure isn’t in my vocabulary’ should be ground up in an industrial mincer. However there is a causal link – high-flyers are frequently massively into their tedious jobs. So as a man all you need to do is find a career combining a high salary with gentleness and humility. Have you tried applying for Archbishop of Canterbury?
Must have a great sense of humour within rigid parameters
Boyfriends should be able to deploy a range of humour from devastating wit to genuine belly laughs. But joking all the time is unattractive, and acting the clown is obviously out. Also beware of telling bad taste jokes that might offend your girlfriend in some obscure way. Fortunately your boyfriend mind reading skills should prevent that happening.
www.thedailymash.co.uk
Or not..
PS the link does take you to the story. The wonders of working Smart TVs is a bonus for the ASF 70 plus posters who aren't looking for a new love but are tearing their hair out with a "Smart" TV
Good-looking but unaware of it: The contradictory boyfriend requirements of women
28th October 2022Go Premium
EVER feel women have impossible standards for boyfriends? You’re right. Here are some of their contradictory requirements that mean there’s zero chance of a shag.
Must be good-looking but in no way vain
Many women want a guy with conventional good looks (think: young Hayden Christensen) but who isn’t obsessed with clothes/moisturisers/his hair. Also he should not be aware that he can easily sleep around. Luckily the world is brimming with extremely good-looking men who’ve never encountered a reflective surface.
Must combine spontaneity and meticulous planning
For example: you should suggest a crazy, spur-of-the-moment weekend away, but also like planning holidays with Wehrmacht-style thoroughness so that literally nothing can go wrong. It’s such a contradictory mindset that if you tried to program a robot this way its brain circuits would catch fire and explode.
Must be amazing in bed but without a string of hot exes
Your partner’s exes can be a psychological pain in the arse. You particularly don’t like the thought of them having more fun together or much better sex. Therefore the perfect boyfriend should have no sexual history at all yet somehow be really good at sex, which is eerily similar to being a brand new ‘pleasure model’ replicant.
Must be hard but not get into fights
The ideal boyfriend needs to be harmless 99.9% of the time yet able to intimidate other men in a dodgy situation or to protect you. Unfortunately there’s a reason why some men are good at fighting: they practise a lot. If you go out with one prepare yourself for a thrilling rollercoaster ride of tense nightclub and kebab shop stand-offs.
Must be successful but not off-puttingly ambitious
Granted, careerist twats who say things like ‘failure isn’t in my vocabulary’ should be ground up in an industrial mincer. However there is a causal link – high-flyers are frequently massively into their tedious jobs. So as a man all you need to do is find a career combining a high salary with gentleness and humility. Have you tried applying for Archbishop of Canterbury?
Must have a great sense of humour within rigid parameters
Boyfriends should be able to deploy a range of humour from devastating wit to genuine belly laughs. But joking all the time is unattractive, and acting the clown is obviously out. Also beware of telling bad taste jokes that might offend your girlfriend in some obscure way. Fortunately your boyfriend mind reading skills should prevent that happening.
The complete f**king mess your parents have made of their new smart TV: a troubleshooting guide
YOUR parents have taken the plunge and bought a new smart TV. Within days it’s f**ked, and they want you to sort it out. Here’s how:
www.thedailymash.co.uk
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