G’devening everyone.
It’s a great honour to have been asked to give the second annual Margaret Thatcher lecture here in London, England. As most of you will know, Mrs T was a sheila but she managed to rise above that disability to bomb the **** out of the Argies and take back the Falklands for Great Britain and to piss off most of the rest of Europe. She was the kind of leader every country needs. As far in sight as she was to the right.
Some people here – those of you who have any idea who I am – may regret that I only got to be prime minister for two years. Well, let me tell you that I am proud of what I achieved for Australia in those two years. Bibles and onions for all school kids and a knighthood for Prince Philip. What country could ask for more?
Tony Abbott urges Europe to adopt Australian policies in refugee crisis
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Now let me say this. When I was prime minister I didn’t choose to lecture other countries on how to run their international relations. But, to be honest, I’m now at a bit of a loose end and who wouldn’t pass up the opportunity of a free flight to watch the Wallabies give the Kiwis a pasting in the rugby World Cup final? So here goes.
You want to know why Australia is so good at rugby? Well let me tell you. It’s because we closed our borders on every damn illegal immigrant who came within 100 metres of our shore. That’s right. Every foreign scrounger who turned up pleading persecution in their own country was sent back to somewhere else. And if you Brits want to get good at rugby again you’re going to have to learn to do the same thing.
Here’s the problem with you Europeans. You’re just a bunch of hand-wringing pussies. You’re too nice to foreigners. Every time some loser turns up at your borders whinging about how hard their lives are, you fall for their sob stories. So let me tell you straight. Man up, before it’s too late. As Jesus himself once told me in person, if you don’t look after number one then everyone else will just take advantage of you. Sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Only when hundreds of thousands of them have died will they realise they were better off dying wherever it was they came from. Doing this may take some getting used to and gnaw at your conscience but, take it from me, you’ll soon get over it.
I'm not stupid. Well, not very
Now I’m not stupid. Well, not very. I know there’s some bad stuff going on in Syria, but that doesn’t mean we’ve got to be nice to every Syrian who wants to get the hell out of their country. Their problems are nothing to do with us and the compassionate thing to do is stack them up in camps in Turkey and Lebanon. You see, there’s a reason Syria and the rest of the Middle East is a total mess. Some pinkos will try and tell you it’s partly because the west interfered too much in their affairs. Wrong. Very wrong. The problem wasn’t that the west created too many wars, but that it didn’t create enough. We should have taken out every country in that part of the world while we still could. Bomb, bomb, bombety, bomb.
So I leave you with this thought. The only way forwards is backwards. That’s what Margaret would have said in one of her more rabid moments. What are you doing with me? Where are you taking me? Help, help …
The Margaret Thatcher Institute deeply regrets that Mr Abbott has become indisposed before he was able to finish his extremely interesting speech and we hope you enjoy the rest of your dinner.