Funerals

[Julia]

Recently I've been to two funerals.
Both people died suddenly.

In one funeral, there was a protestant minister who throughout the dismal and very serious service proclaimed that Bill would now be having to answer to God. He would be called to account for life. For every action he had taken throughout his life.
His family had just lost their father through a tragic drowning and they had this misery laid on them at his funeral. Bill was an ordinary, decent bloke who I doubt had ever done anyone a disservice.

The other service was called "A Celebration of the Life of Norman".
There was no mention of God. There were no hymns or prayers.
Those who knew him spoke with affection of his positive effect on their lives. There was humour and much smiling.
Norm would have loved it.

So it started me wondering how many ASF members have even begun to think about funerals, either our own or those of our parents, and if so, what sort of event would you like it to be?

I guess there will be the same divisions as we've had in the "Religion" thread in terms of whether you would want God to feature in the service.

What funeral services have you been to and liked or loathed and why?

 

[Prospector]

Hi Julia

You would know me well enough by now that God won't be featuring at my funeral!

I think it is entirely inappropriate for Ministers to bang on about a day of reckoning at someone's funeral. To me, the funeral should be a source of comfort to those who are grieving, and anything else is entirely irrelevant, even if the person wasnt the nicest person in town. To those who are grieving, the person was important to them and that is what the funeral is all about.

The funerals that have helped the most are those that celebrate the person's life, and that would most likely include humorous stories. One of the saddest I have been to recently was the father of my son's friends (all aged around 21 years old) who had succumbed to cancer after a long fight. The father had attended most of their 21st birthdays, in various degrees of ill health. So to see all these healthy 21 year olds very much in grief for a parent was very touching, and also very comforting to know that they had such respect and love for one of us 'oldies'. And there were many funny stories.

 

[Whiskers]

Hi Julia

My father passed away about three years ago. Mum had a bit of a get together and it was decided to have a 'celebrate the life' style service at the crematorium, as Dad wished. No priests and no sermons. An uncle read a eulogy an others were invited to speak. Dad's sisters are a little 'religious' so there was a brief, but subtle prayer or two along non denominational lines a song and a casual get together and refreshments afterwards.

I've been to a few of this style in recent years and they all went over well. People from all walks of life could attend and not feel offended in any way.

I have been to some relatively good church funerals in recent years, but for the main the religious doctrine seems to be too heavy for most I associate with these days.

I can recall when I was a kid I went to one church funeral and the priest was tiddly.

 

[Julia]

So, Prospector, if funerals are for those who are grieving, then you wouldn't be happy with the idea of no funeral at all I guess?

I know two people who have adamantly instructed that there is to be no funeral.
My late father did likewise. (In his case it was just as well because he had no friends and it would have been a pretty lonely affair!)

Whiskers, I'm sorry to hear about your father. Any feelings about the no funerals notion?

 

[Prospector]

So, Prospector, if funerals are for those who are grieving, then you wouldn't be happy with the idea of no funeral at all I guess?

Interesting question Julia! I have never thought that funerals are for those who have died, so I guess the answer is that I would not be happy if someone planned it that way. It is the ones left behind who need it, after all. I think it would be very sad if someone planned a 'funeral' and thought that no-one would miss them!

 

[Surly]

I went to a funeral a few years ago for a guy that had died of mesothelioma in his 50's. He knew what was coming and had obviously put a reasonable amount of thought into how he wanted his send off to be.

Amongst the touching moments was the playing of the song Rush by Big Audio Dynamite which really summed the guy up and proved right to the end he wanted things to be upbeat and happy.

The song starts...
If I had my time again
I would do it all the same
And not change a single thing
Even when I was to blame
For the heartache and the pain
That I caused throughout my years
How I loved to be your man
Through the laughter and the tears
...makes a lot more sense when you are hearing it from the recently departed.

cheers
Surly

 

[2020hindsight]

....

Three friends from the local congregation were asked “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Don said: “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

sorry Surly - not meaning to juxtapose this with your post
yep - I met a bloke (Scotsman) the other day - who had sung " A man's a man for a' that " at a friend's funeral - again pretty touching stuff. Important for those who are left to mourn too.

PS Julia - I've already posted my own wishes for how I want my ashes disposed of - poetry thread
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=204052&highlight=ashes#post204052

I was thinking I’d like my ashes stirred
with the waves of the ocean to travel the world
be that as it may be, as Gods may decide
for some future low day, and some future high tide

and I couldn't agree more with you about the contrast in the two funerals you went to -
sheesh if that first funeral was mine / me -
I don't care how dead I was - I'd find some way to tell that idiot parson/ priest/ whatever to "cool it" with the fire and brimstone stuff lol

 

[It's Snake Pliskin]

I believe it is up to the one who dies what type of funeral they have. Any opinion to the contrary of what has been wished for is mere conjecture.

I will have a lot of Rock being played at mine with a religious minister of some sorts telling everyone what sins I committed and how I am meeting the maker.

 

[Flying Fish]

Recently I've been to two funerals.
Both people died suddenly.

In one funeral, there was a protestant minister who throughout the dismal and very serious service proclaimed that Bill would now be having to answer to God. He would be called to account for life. For every action he had taken throughout his life.
His family had just lost their father through a tragic drowning and they had this misery laid on them at his funeral. Bill was an ordinary, decent bloke who I doubt had ever done anyone a disservice.

The other service was called "A Celebration of the Life of Norman".
There was no mention of God. There were no hymns or prayers.
Those who knew him spoke with affection of his positive effect on their lives. There was humour and much smiling.
Norm would have loved it.

So it started me wondering how many ASF members have even begun to think about funerals, either our own or those of our parents, and if so, what sort of event would you like it to be?

I guess there will be the same divisions as we've had in the "Religion" thread in terms of whether you would want God to feature in the service.

What funeral services have you been to and liked or loathed and why?

I went to my grandmothers funeral a little while back. She was very religious and died at the ripe old age of 98. To tell the truth I found the whole affair a little funny. It was at a church, and all her"religious" friends were declaring that she would go straight to heaven etc etc. I guess in the old days they were still very religiious. It was in a catholic church.

I went to a mates funeral some years back who died age 39. His was a simple affair at a crematorium, where all his friends and family got together. No religion involved just a bunch of people remembering a good friend, no pretence. Was much better I thought and probably a whole lot cheaper.

I guess it depends if you believe in god afterlife etc, which I don't.

 

[Whiskers]

Hi Julia

It's not a subject I've given a lot of thought too, but I reckon I would want a funeral service of some sort.

I think I would prefer an independant celebrant, but would not mind a toned down church funeral. Either way I think it is only common decency to have some sort of ceremony for the passing of people. I've never heard of anyone requesting not to have a funeral service before.

I just have to work on whether I want the cremation or the burial.

I can only hope that I will find out whether or not there is a God before then and leave the appropriate instructions to deal with my spirit, soul and whatever.

 

[2020hindsight]

not that funny this one (just found it in cyberspace) - especially if you're a gynecologist etc

Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

. . . . . . . . .That's when the proctologist slipped out the side door

.

 

[cuttlefish]

I think a funeral can be celebration of a persons life. At my fathers funeral various people spoke, played music and read poetry. Many people that knew him participated and it was helpful to hear how others would miss him and the different ways and stages of life that different people had come to know him. A funeral should draw out a mixture of emotions to allow the grief to come through.

Depending on the type of person the deceased was and how their family deals with emotion this could take many forms and as long as its something they feel right about then thats whats important imo.

It should also not be forgotten that the emotional hole created by the loss of someone can create all sorts of uncertainties about the future to those close to that person, and so a funeral is a way of friends and relatives of the deceased to grieve but also acts as a way of reassuring those that are left behind that there is a community out there that will support them and for people to show support for those left behind.

I think that if someone say's they don't want a funeral they probably mean it genuinely because they would be embarrassed by people fussing over them, but at the same time possibly explaining to that person that people around them would really like to have a funeral because a service to grieve would be important for them, might help them to understand that a funeral has multiple purposes.

I also think that many people that have attended funerals would agree that the deceased is there and knows whats going on and sometimes even participates in curious ways, and so its a very important process in laying someone's spirit to rest, whatever way or shape that takes.

 

[Julia]

Thanks for interesting and varied responses. Cuttlefish, that's a really thoughtful and insightful post.

 

[cuttlefish]

Thanks Julia, I must admit I've had some experiences over the past year where it would have helped to have had a better understanding of the different ways the people I'm close to deal with emotion and also the unexpected ways that the loss of someone that was an important part of your life can impact you years later, but better late than never!

 

[2020hindsight]

If you think you're having a hard day / life whatever ... try reading this with a dry eye

Cripes life can be cruel ....
"but everywhere there is incredible courage " ...
sometimes that courage is just ... bludy incredible

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=302382

Wickham funeral will also be a 'wedding'
Thursday Oct 4 09:58 AEST

The funeral of Australian swimming legend Tracey Wickham's teenage daughter Hannah, will double as a wedding celebration after she married her "soul mate" just hours before her death from cancer this week.

Nineteen-year-old Hannah lost her three-year battle with the disease in a Brisbane hospital in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Her marriage to 20-year-old Tom O'Driscoll, whom she met in hospital while he too was being treated for cancer, was to have been held on the Sunshine Coast in 10 days time.

Both went into remission, but Hannah's returned in a more aggressive form earlier this year.

When it became clear Hannah was losing her struggle with cancer, arrangements were hastily made for a priest to marry them in a bedside ceremony in Brisbane's Wesley Hospital on Monday night.

Hannah's death came three years to the day since she first discovered a lump in her leg, which later spread to one of her lungs.

Tracey Wickham, dual swimming world champion and former holder of the 400m, 800m and 1500m freestyle world records, said she was comforted that Hannah had got her dying wish.

"She knew what was going on, she gazed into his eyes and the love they had for each other was incredible," a distraught Wickham told Southern Cross Broadcasting.

"Tom is the most special person ... they were meant to meet. They were meant to get cancer and they were meant to meet because he was her soul mate and vice versa.

"The year they had together was so beautiful."

Hannah died with her family and friends around her three hours after the bedside ceremony.

Her funeral service will be held on Sunday at 2pm in the chapel of All Hallows School in Brisbane where she was a student until two years ago.

Wickham said the occasion would also mark her daughter's marriage.

"We are going treat it as a wedding," she said.

"She's going to be buried in her wedding dress and there will be six bridesmaids and groomsmen, including my son.