Hi Julia, in fact it is compulsory now to have minimum 3 hours mediation before heading to court. If one party doesn't turn up it would be quite damning for them in court.
Well that's a good thing to hear, Absolutely. In the mid 90's my ex didn't even show up for the mediation. In fact I had a hard job getting her into relationship counselling a couple of years before she split, when I first noticed a problem. She begrudgingly came along a few times.
If we could get to a situation where the conduct and demeanour of the parties in compulsary mediation could be related to the Judge by qualified psychologists and be taken into account by the Judge when deciding the case, I think we would not see so many cases repeatedly going back to court for the Judge to find out at much expense who the unreasonable, dishonest 'Toxic' people are.
I reckon from perusal of some case law that this problem is roughly evenly split between male and female trying to wrought the system.
I will briefly relate my story and what I found for the benifit of those still wrestling with the system, with reference to Toxic People, whom I am inclined to think make up the majority of troublesome cases.
I didn't contest custody of the kids because I didn't want them to be seen as a financial asset. Besides the ex and her parents 'built them up' to leave one day while I was away from home, and she kept putting obsticales between us including trying to get a protection order on the premise that I was harassing and stalking her. The police prosecutor didn't take long to see that she was just trying to use, rather abuse the system to try to stop me calling to her house to pick up the daughter. The Magistrate then made an order that I be allowed to phone her 3 times per week and call to pick her up.
Unfortunately, she had a very nice story to twist all the facts around at the trial and despite what I thought was proving that she lied about material evidence in her affidavits of evidence she somehow persuaded the judge at trial that I was the villan, that she was the one who tried counselling but it didn't work, etc all to make sure that she got an extra 15% of the assetts for child maintaince on the premise that there was no guarantee that I would make enough taxable income to pay child support after being lumbered with a heap of debt that she lied about not having any knowledge of and convinced the judge that I must have incurred it after seperation.
As I was getting the evidence together to prove she lied, to change the orders so I could refinance the debt to keep the property, she just as ruthlessly expedited the sale process to shut me down... partly out of revenge, but mostly to force me back into paid employment so she could double dip and get child support automatically deducted from my wage again. Fortunately for me, she didn't force me back into paid employment, but she did have the CSA harass me for a few extra dollars just before the kids got too old.
It took me awhile to wakeup that she had a new boyfriend and planned to leave some two years earlier, but took the time to set up the situation and milked me all the way.
T'was a good act. I had worked 6 and 7 days most weeks for years and built my own large brick home in what spare time I had, trying to get financial enough to please her. I ended up with chronic fatigue and related issues and an empty house... eventually no house.
The moral of my story and seems to be confirmed by my research into case law, that if your situation ends in court and you know you have not been unreasonable, dishonest or disloyal to the family relationship, then your partner most likely is and is going for the juggler vein.
I was under the misaprehension that most cases were decided at trial. Not sure what the figures are now, but I think I was told later that only about 5% of cases go to trial.
If only I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have been so tolerant of her. I would have seen her for what she was... a toxic person. Ironically I had started my own business a few years earlier and was getting more involved in community organisations, as opposed to centreing our relationship around her family, and just months before she left, I started an intensive Group Facilitation Conflict Resolution Course. It is now obviuos that she saw she wasn't winning control of me with guilt tricks etc so she went directly to plan B.
My big mistake was that I took a more passive position of letting her rants and rage mostly fly over my head for too long. If I knew then what I know now, I should have taken a strong uncompromising assertive position, because although the kids have grown up now the wife still walks across the street when she sees me coming and she and her parents give the kids a hard time if they associate with me.
I just googled toxic people for the benifit of those not familiar, and came up with a brief summary ... on the Oprah Winfrey site
... but it's as good a summary as I have seen anywhere.
Toxic Relationships: The People
Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.
The Blamer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml