The Stupid People Thread

[beerwm]

Stupid people ... where to start?

OK.
Yesterday.
Dad playing with his kids.
They were playing with one of those "Razor" scooters.
The Dad was on it, going waaaaay too fast, waaaaaaay too fast ... when he tried to turn a corner. The front wheel of the scooter slipped out from under him, sending him plummetting to the concrete. Smacked his knees, grazed his palms and really slammed his shoulder. He spent the following day (today) munching down Panadols, and being unable to do much that involved moving his right shoulder.
Please don't ask how I know so much about this stupid guy.

hows your shoulder timmy? :

 

[bowman]

"Butchers are having 60 per cent more sex than other workers. "

This could just be a misunderstanding.
Is it 60% more bonking or 60% more boning?

 

[tech/a]

I love idiots.

Case (1)

At the time it was deadly serious.
I had suspicions that I had theft going on in my company.

One day during an investigation after quizzing an employees wife as to his where abouts on a Saturday morning when he left a site prematurely---the employee stormed into my office and promptly resigned with great gusto.

Throwing his Office keys/Company Phone/ Car keys and stormed off.

We checked his SMS's.
There were at least 50 of them documenting phone numbers and places to meet for distribution of goods and splitting of money.
6 employees in total were involved all had cleared their SMS's.
The police thought it was Xmas.
I was less joyous.
Idiot had to deal with Me/The police and his 5 accomplices!

Best thing that ever happened we haven't looked back since the clean out!

Case (2)
Got to the office at 6.30am one morning.
The small window next to the front door in our Old premises was smashed but the door closed?

I walked in and there was blood all over the floor leading to the back kitchen area.
This looked like someone had been badly stabbed---the toilet next room on was just a wash in blood.A full toilet roll full of blood was in the bowl.
A massive mess---but no one to be seen.

I followed the trail out the back door to the back fence 100 meters away.
There was a "Cowboy Shirt" covered in Blood and that's where it stopped.

Back inside I called the police explaining the above.

"Oh yeh we have him he's in intensive care in Flinders"
"Yours must have been the first he broke into 4 other neighbours straight after you looking for medical supplies to stop the bleeding---evidently at Strasdin Crash repairs he realised he was in trouble and rang 000.
He was found out the front of the building unconscious"

While reaching in to unlock our dead lock he had slipped and a shard of broken glass had severed his artery under his right arm.

Idiot!

Case (3)

Guy comes in with a horse float.
"I want 5x2.4 100 mm Pine posts."

"You'll see them up the back and I'll see you when you come back"

He comes to the counter.
"How many posts?
5
Thats $30.35."

Hands over cash and I follow him to his car.
Standing at the window he hops in and winds down the window.

"You want something he asks"

"Yes can you just open up the float."
"Why dont you trust me?"
"I dont know yet--please open it for me."
He opens it.

"Hmm 28---you always had trouble counting?"

"Just stack them back where you found them.
Then get out of here.
What about my $30"

What??--IDIOT!

 

[ThingyMajiggy]

I went to order Fasta Pasta one night...take away.

Up to the counter, ordered what I want, as she was tapping it into the machine.

All done, great!

"Name please?"
"Sam"
"How do you spell that?"
"Errr...?"

I just stopped and looked at her....

"S...A....M"
"Yep thanks, that'll be about 10 minutes"

I then proceeded to burst out laughing in disbelief, and waited till it was ready

...ahhh some people

 

[trainspotter]

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.

Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up
to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating.

When once more, the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back
up to the men's tee, please !"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back . . "Would
the ars*hole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"

 

[tech/a]

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.

Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up
to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating.

When once more, the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back
up to the men's tee, please !"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back . . "Would
the ars*hole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"

Hahaha

Reminds me of the time we were playing in a tennis tournament in Crystal Brook.
Quaint country town.
We had entered a mixed doubles male as Mike Hunt.
The Announcer screamed out this guys name for a full 10 mins before being let in on the joke.
Town was never the same.

 

[trainspotter]

Took nine mates to Cairns to go diving on the Great Barrier Reef and experience the "tourism" aspect of the place. Got to the ticket booth to purchase for the big day and they asked us to write our names on a lovely round sticker the size of a tennis ball and place it on our chest. The crew all wet themselves when we turned up for the headcount and proudly had the name "BRUCE" emblazoned all over our chests. Booked a helicopter flight and the name "BRUCE" came over the loudspeaker. The chopper pilot had a fit when TEN guys rushed to get into the jetranger.

 

[awg]

Hahaha

Reminds me of the time we were playing in a tennis tournament in Crystal Brook.
Quaint country town.
We had entered a mixed doubles male as Mike Hunt.
The Announcer screamed out this guys name for a full 10 mins before being let in on the joke.
Town was never the same.

Used to work at a busy place where we had to call the customers names.

Newbies were given bodgie names to call, while we rolled about laughing.

A beautiful blonde started, and I was explaining a few things to her, including how not to get caught calling out bodgie names, gave her a few examples.

She says "Whats wrong with Mike Hunt"..in a really loud voice, we were on the floor with tears in our eyes, boss was appalled, she reddened right up ( we would not have called out that one btw, although Arthur Woodie was a favorite)

 

[trainspotter]

Friend of mine was being interviewed for a news story about a car accident he witnessed. The interviewer asked him his name. Mike Litoris was his answer. Sure enough. 5.30pm local news and there he was in all his glory.

 

[tech/a]

Took nine mates to Cairns to go diving on the Great Barrier Reef and experience the "tourism" aspect of the place. Got to the ticket booth to purchase for the big day and they asked us to write our names on a lovely round sticker the size of a tennis ball and place it on our chest. The crew all wet themselves when we turned up for the headcount and proudly had the name "BRUCE" emblazoned all over our chests. Booked a helicopter flight and the name "BRUCE" came over the loudspeaker. The chopper pilot had a fit when TEN guys rushed to get into the jetranger.

Was in a 10K race
People stretching----jogging on the spot
As the gun went off 8000 people shuffled off.

One guy yells out "Bruce where are you?"
8000 call back I'm here--no I'm over here--no no I'm here!
Followed by "Im Bruce,No Im Bruce,No No I'm Bruce!
Couldnt stop giggling right through the race!
Bet there wasnt a Bruce in the race.

 

[tech/a]

Friend of mine was being interviewed for a news story about a car accident he witnessed. The interviewer asked him his name. Mike Litoris was his answer. Sure enough. 5.30pm local news and there he was in all his glory.

Oh stop it I cant take any more!!!!

 

[trainspotter]

Went to the Doctors the other day for a checkup. 53 minutes waiting in the foyer and 11 minutes in the docs office. Went out to settle the account and by this time the waiting room was full. Looked down at the account and saw the letters "STD". Me at the top of my lungs "I don't have a sexually transmitted disease, I only came in for a checkup" the secretary behind the counter looked at me over her horn rimed glasses and replied "No Sir, you had a STANDARD consult, less than 12 minutes, which is why I am only charging you $65.00" Left the building at a great rate of knots with head down.

 

[jbocker]

Got a text message on the phone a while back from my daughter. Ended in LOL.
Thought about it for a while and thought thats cute, must mean Lots Of Love.

On hearing some bad news from my sister about the death of her daughters pet dog.
Sent a message
Sorry to hear about old Rexy.
He was a good trusty old pup. Will miss him.
LOL
Uncle jb

 

[Hedders]

I used to own a store in a busy shopping centre. Part of the "initiation" given to new members of staff was getting them to ring centre management and have bogus names paged back to the store. Some of the successfully paged names included- Phil Enhorny, Ineedaff Hart, Filmybe Orlbag, Dick Hertz, Phil Marpeenez and Jenny Talia.

Sadly it became a case of "the boy who cried wolf"- centre management cottoned on to the situation, which made it quite difficult to page back real customers that happened to have silly names, such as Nita Dick...