Gallows Humour

[Bushman]

Ok it is the nadir of the Bear. Sub prime has morphed into a 'global recession' despite Helicopters reassurances a year a go that it was 'contained'. Iceland has gone broke, Argentina is on it's way and our beloved Aussie is on the downward leg of the 'Big Dipper'.

Chinindia - recoupled.
Yanks - scr*wed.
Equities - hail Mary.
Property - card boxes.
Job - ha you would be lucky to be a sheep rustler in the forthcoming maelstrom.

So what do we do now we are in the 'eye of the storm'. Well in the best of Aussie traditions, lets have some gallows humour . So pst 'em here because I need a dark chuckle.

Here is my contribution. More to follow:

'Investment Advice:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank
all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the recycling REFUND
in S.A, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily
and recycle.'

 

[Aussiejeff]

Ok it is the nadir of the Bear. Sub prime has morphed into a 'global recession' despite Helicopters reassurances a year a go that it was 'contained'. Iceland has gone broke, Argentina is on it's way and our beloved Aussie is on the downward leg of the 'Big Dipper'.

Chinindia - recoupled.
Yanks - scr*wed.
Equities - hail Mary.
Property - card boxes.
Job - ha you would be lucky to be a sheep rustler in the forthcoming maelstrom.

So what do we do now we are in the 'eye of the storm'. Well in the best of Aussie traditions, lets have some gallows humour . So pst 'em here because I need a dark chuckle.

Here is my contribution. More to follow:

'Investment Advice:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank
all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the recycling REFUND
in S.A, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily
and recycle.'

You forgot the over-riding factor "and sell up and move to South Australia". No such luck with recycle refunds in VIC!!

Nice try to boost the S.A. economy. HAHA!!!

 

[Bushman]

You forgot the over-riding factor "and sell up and move to South Australia". No such luck with recycle refunds in VIC!!

Nice try to boost the S.A. economy. HAHA!!!

I am Alexander Downer in disguise

Some more giggles from the crypt:

'President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.

George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.

The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.

Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.

For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About 3 Pounds and 50 pence

If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.

George W Bush'

 

[Julia]

The Bush sayings are, sadly, only too believable. I heard a commentator say yesterday "Bush is no longer considered a lame duck, just a dead duck."
The funeral can't come soon enough.

 

[Bushman]

Ok hope this worked...

Caption is 'Times are tough in Blighty'. Actually I just made that up but you get the drift.

 

[GreatPig]

George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.

I hear he was considering making a movie called "Saving Private Lehman", but decided it would be old hat after the reality shows "Saving Private Stearns", "Saving Private Mac", "Saving Private Morgan", "Saving Private Lynch", and a string of other spin-offs.

Instead he decided to take over directing the reality show "Survivor: Wall Street".

GP

 

[derty]

First published in the British humour magazine "Punch" on April 3,
1957:



Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in
references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the
money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they
made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called
Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to
the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is
liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it
to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets.
It's the same $100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really
any
money at all?

A: Theoretically......

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they
get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their
profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that.........

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't
wanted
to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they
be
glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at
once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A: I wouldn't say that.

Q: Naturally. Well, if there's nothing else you think you can tell me....?

A: Quite so. Now you can go off and open a banking account!

Q: Just one last question.

A: Of course.

Q: Wouldn't I do better to go off and open up a bank?

 

[Bushman]

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."


Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

 

[Joules MM1]

with the spx at the do-or-die moment.....

Ronald Reagan’s Blood To Be Auctioned


http://slatest.slate.com/posts/2012/05
/22/ronald_reagan_s_blood_to_be_auctioned_.html

excerpt

The seller claims to have contacted the Reagan National Library to see if they'd like to purchase the vial. In the auction description, he or she notes that the library asked him to donate the vial, to which he replied "that I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that Pres. Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it.” According to Reuters, the Reagan Foundation declined to verify that this exchange happened.

:silly: