Julia
In Memoriam
- Joined
- 10 May 2005
- Posts
- 16,986
- Reactions
- 1,973
Well now, fellas, you can take anything I say with the proverbial grain of salt given that I've been married twice and won't ever, ever do it again.
So nice to see that really most of you are pretty happy, despite the grizzles.
We women can be irrational and contrary.
One of the difficulties in the whole communication thing can be that when women are upset/worried/anxious/stressed often they just want you to listen to whatever it's about. But men - being solution-oriented - can usually quickly and logically sum up whatever the angst is about and offer a sure fire solution, e.g. "well, if you do this and this, then that will be all be solved".
And then you all get frustrated because she doesn't immediately dry her tears and thank you for your insight and solution.
Instead, as some of you have observed, she will go away and go through the whole problem ad infinitum with at least six of her women friends. These women will empathise, sympathise, but not offer a solution.
After all this, she will have figured out what she needs to do, most likely what you suggested in the first place.
Don't rebel against this process. Just accept it. It's just what women do unless they actually ask outright "What do you think I should do?"
The best relationships I know are those where the partners can still be individuals. I reckon you need to have your time with same gender friends or following separate interests. But maybe that's just my personal view: I feel suffocated if a bloke is into complete togetherness.
Someone mentioned their partner did the "When you....... I feel......"
Yep. Basic Assertiveness and Communication 101. It's a replacement for the "You make me feel awful because......." which is, according to the pop psychology books, not taking responsibility for one's own feelings.
I suspect this might engender more irritation on the part of the male partner than it's supposed to resolve. Dunno really.
Anyway, sounds to me as though most of you blokes are probably pretty decent partners and doing your best. Could I just suggest the odd bunch of flowers for no particular reason other than that you love her.
So nice to see that really most of you are pretty happy, despite the grizzles.
We women can be irrational and contrary.
One of the difficulties in the whole communication thing can be that when women are upset/worried/anxious/stressed often they just want you to listen to whatever it's about. But men - being solution-oriented - can usually quickly and logically sum up whatever the angst is about and offer a sure fire solution, e.g. "well, if you do this and this, then that will be all be solved".
And then you all get frustrated because she doesn't immediately dry her tears and thank you for your insight and solution.
Instead, as some of you have observed, she will go away and go through the whole problem ad infinitum with at least six of her women friends. These women will empathise, sympathise, but not offer a solution.
After all this, she will have figured out what she needs to do, most likely what you suggested in the first place.
Don't rebel against this process. Just accept it. It's just what women do unless they actually ask outright "What do you think I should do?"
The best relationships I know are those where the partners can still be individuals. I reckon you need to have your time with same gender friends or following separate interests. But maybe that's just my personal view: I feel suffocated if a bloke is into complete togetherness.
Someone mentioned their partner did the "When you....... I feel......"
Yep. Basic Assertiveness and Communication 101. It's a replacement for the "You make me feel awful because......." which is, according to the pop psychology books, not taking responsibility for one's own feelings.
I suspect this might engender more irritation on the part of the male partner than it's supposed to resolve. Dunno really.
Anyway, sounds to me as though most of you blokes are probably pretty decent partners and doing your best. Could I just suggest the odd bunch of flowers for no particular reason other than that you love her.