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How To Choose a Partner

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, or if someone has beeen abused etc
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This resonates with me .......my ex wife was abused when a child ,told me about it not long after we met but I had no idea how it really effected her until years into our marriage. To the outside world she appeared ( and to me at first) very happy but in private was very negative , critical and untrusting. Despite the grief she gave me I feel sorry for her.
 
My ex bro want to do grade 12 maths but his father told him no .. so the bro told me and because of that his life was f$%&ked up.
He wanted an apology from his Father and that would fix things. Which the father did and nothing changed.
The bro suicided about 5 yrs ago, his Father had absolutely NO sense of humour at all any joke you told had to be explained but was completely foreign to him yet he could do the Times crossword in 2 minutes..
So if some one tells you they were......(insert here )... check it out with the next of kin and make sure.
Good luck with who ever you are with now.
Now how do ankle biters if in here???
 

Isnt this the NFC no fat chicks rule?
 
awg said:
I hope this doesnt sound too sexist, but women are designed to nurture babies, which normally requires a great selflessness, and this will extend further if all is well.
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Selflessness toward the children yes, but the husband is seen as a means to an end, money, protection home help. Not always but too often and once he's no longer needed for those things she sometimes "all of a sudden" needs to find herself and is off.

If your partner is not kind enough they will not have it in them to nurture you when the chips are down..and to be sure they will be down sometimes...so this can be a marriage wrecker.
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Very insightful.....very.
 
Totally excellent comments from awg in this thread... made me think again what a lucky fellow I am with my missus.

MrBurns said:
I think running her past your friends is also a good move, they see what you don't
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Funny thing, I don't fundamentally agree, but a comment from a friend made me re-evaluate my relationship with my eventually to be wife.

He had met both the previous girlfriend and the then current one and said something like - "She's hawt, but the last one was hawtter. But you know what, this one would get out of bed to make you dinner if you come home late from work. She's a 'keeper'"

It was then that I quantified why I liked her so much... not that she would bust her **** for my benefit, but that she was beautiful on the inside as well.
 
wayneL said:
Totally excellent comments from awg in this thread...
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Seriously good, I've been mulling over this subject for a couple of years and this has really helped clarify things.


Lucky man why is it you learn these things too late in life.
 
awg said:
I hope this doesnt sound too sexist, but women are designed to nurture babies, which normally requires a great selflessness, and this will extend further if all is well.
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This comment resonates strongly with me too (and no, I don't think it's sexist if it's addressing realities here). And Burnsie's reflections from having come out the other end aside, I've been trying with my partner to raise some consciousness about this phenomenon.

It's hard to raise it, and it's hard not to be defensive about it when it is raised. And there's also no guessing that it's denied, because to admit it is to concede that the relationship has got a 'shelf life' or expiry date.

Most men sense this (whether they're willing to admit it or not) and so in some, it raises a sense of insecurity that never quite goes away. I suspect Mr Burns' experience is pretty common in that it seems to many men that women ending a relationship is like flicking a switch.

It feels that way, I'm not saying it IS the way. I think the reality here is that one gender is just mentally stronger than the other. Maybe our evolution from the caves has wired us into our physical strength, bread-winning abilities etc., and we've just missed out on the mental strength component. So it feels easily taken advantage of.

Like Burnsie - you've been good for me AWG, so keep it up!
 
Both sex's are like computers it all depend on what programme's have been loaded with or not and if all the internals are working correctly, sadly you won't knew until after a lot of testing.
You can't look at a motherboard and know what in there.
 
Here's a scenario that I have pondered on quite a bit and still haven't got the answer.

Say you are interested in starting a relationship and your a person who has had a lot of hassles,dramas in your life and even though these have been dealt with they after all still a part of who you are.
Is it better to look at future potential partners who have had their own share of life's
obstacles with the view that you can reach mutual understanding more easily.
( I personally have found the opposite to be the case, as some partners
who have had a tough hard life has little patience/compassion or tolerance left.)
Or do you look at partners who have a simpler easier life to date for the reasons stated above....
Obviously a lot depends on the personalities involved.
 

The answer is within you not a partner.
How you cope will determine how much garbage a partner has to put up with
Zero is the premium option.

The right partner will then be attracted to you.
You wont need to go looking.
 
I think it's a little bit of an illusion that we get to choose. I reckon there's a matching that occurs at multiple levels, mostly outside of conscious awareness.

To make oneself more attractive to a wider audience - that's all one can really do. And I'm not necessarily talking about a faster car or bigger bank account (although those things are good). The process just happens on its own. My 2c.
 
Some great insights here. One that especially resonates with me is awg's comment about cruelty. After I left my husband and had time to think objectively (is this ever completely possible?) about all that had happened, I remembered some very cruel remarks he'd made to his ex which should have been a red flag to me.

One of the difficulties in making a thoughtful decision about a partner is, I think, that the biology can take over and make us vulnerable to too easily dismissing character flaws that later become all too obvious.

I'd never do it all again, but in the wisdom of retrospection I wish I'd looked for kindness and generosity of spirit as a first priority. The intellectual and physical connections are not enough without this.
 

All very true, wise after the fact, I should have taken more notice of signs before I married but thats now history, better luck next time ? I doubt I'll bother.
 
Julia said:
...in the wisdom of retrospection I wish I'd looked for kindness and generosity of spirit as a first priority. The intellectual and physical connections are not enough without this.
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So true, characteristic of every long term partnership I've ever seen. Look for proven character folks. Plenty of gold diggers and other opportunists out there.
 
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