- Joined
- 23 March 2005
- Posts
- 1,943
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- 1
Not many people will understand this, those that do will (hopefully) find it bloody funny! 
Your ricer is a beast you need to learn how to control, here are some insiders tips.
*Cut the springs full dont be shy! 11mm off ground, that's heaps!
*fully sick interceptors with 2 mags on front wheels maaaayt!
*shick subwoofa ( note: it's not loud unless the boot hinges are about to give way)
*Get some fully fluffy assed dice from Uncle Charlie down at the Vic market,
he can hook you up with some real niiiice ones mayt!!
*Install a custom built hair wax holder on the dash for those last minute touch ups before you turn off Chapel Street
*Buy the lowest seat you can find so all people can see is your Kappa hat poking above the dash
*fully shick stickers on the side door, showing the sponsors you couldn't afford ( Greddy, HKS etc etc )
*put 144 on side window and state it does 11's
*install a bottle of gold polish under the dash so you can quickly shine up those "chest-hair line indicators" before stepping out.
*put a $30 turbo tip from Super-Cheap Auto on your exhaust so people think you can actually afford a real turbo
*Slow all the way down to about 2 kph at least 20 feet prior to a speed hump, to ensure people understand your car is lower than it actually is, and seems like your chassis is detailed
*Stare at people when you drive past as if you're about to fight them, then drive off with as much RPM as possible so they get "scared"
*When you exit your car, look at the big scratch on the spoiler. You put your amp there when your arms got weak but pretend to forget that for a second, rub the scratch with ur thumb as if it would come off
*When you rest your arm on the door, make sure you push outwards so your muscles look bigger.
*Make sure you have a nice teenage girl in the passenger side who's "like, totally in love with you"
*Never fix your neons, just constantly jiggle the wires until they go on.
*Make sure youur turbo's bearing are shot so badly that u get 3000rpm of lag and need to pump the clutch to get the shick sound
*Make sure you own a nokia, so you're bro's and hoes can call you and say, hey bro, lets go for a cruise in the wexy uLeh!
*Take your ride to "tint professor" so you get to drive the replacement car (excel) and FRASH it to da max
*Never buy optimax because your bro said it's not good for turbos
*Ask a bro for 2 bucks for fuel money coz you used your money up for a new turbo badge for yuour fake turbo
*Moving your lisence plates to the side so you can get that extra 3 square cms air intake..
*When you change the steering wheel moit, make sure you use the good boss kit so your fringes dont get stuck in the column
*Write in ur calender that you'll need a new clutch every two months because you can't drive manual
*Have a folder in your glove box to store all the canaries you cop every saturday night at chapel st coz ur seat is so low
*Ask the copper to stick your canary on an angle in the perfect place on your window so the most people will see it at "chapz"
*Keep a syphon tube in the boot incase you need to make a quick refill.
*Nod your head to other "tilted hat people" as if you know them... they'll nod back if they are sick
*Get your break lights tinted so they are only just visible at night.
*Make sure u are sponsored by a Car Towing company, proving you are a real VL muzza on the burnout run saturday nights
*Dont use brakes.. manual shift the auto like a sick **nt..
*Clean your lowerd seats before leaving Chapel so your ma doesnt find out you ate a kebab after her dinner.
*State you got a permit from the EPA not to run a cat converter.
*Tell everyone at the drags that you're running 32psi, and after the Cortina sucks your headlights out , say " oh my digital boost controller was stuck on 11psi "
*Blu-tac your TURBO badge on to your boot so when you floor it, the badge will fly off and you can say, "Bro! See that my car is so f'n fast the turbo badge fell off"!
*Always wash your car with the hood up on the nature strip
*When out with mates, make sure your fat cousin and her boyfriend sit in the back so your car looks lower.
*When someone overtakes you in ur ricer you have to reovertake them and just as u pass them you have to make sure the blow off valve sounds
*When driving past chicks at o-zone, make sure you change gears at just the right time for the BOV to open up...
*The correct cruising method is: 1 hand out window on the door, 1 hand on top of steering wheel, chin up, hat tickling gods feet, full shick diesel jeans and top
Enjoy the ride.
Your ricer is a beast you need to learn how to control, here are some insiders tips.
*Cut the springs full dont be shy! 11mm off ground, that's heaps!
*fully sick interceptors with 2 mags on front wheels maaaayt!
*shick subwoofa ( note: it's not loud unless the boot hinges are about to give way)
*Get some fully fluffy assed dice from Uncle Charlie down at the Vic market,
he can hook you up with some real niiiice ones mayt!!
*Install a custom built hair wax holder on the dash for those last minute touch ups before you turn off Chapel Street
*Buy the lowest seat you can find so all people can see is your Kappa hat poking above the dash
*fully shick stickers on the side door, showing the sponsors you couldn't afford ( Greddy, HKS etc etc )
*put 144 on side window and state it does 11's
*install a bottle of gold polish under the dash so you can quickly shine up those "chest-hair line indicators" before stepping out.
*put a $30 turbo tip from Super-Cheap Auto on your exhaust so people think you can actually afford a real turbo
*Slow all the way down to about 2 kph at least 20 feet prior to a speed hump, to ensure people understand your car is lower than it actually is, and seems like your chassis is detailed
*Stare at people when you drive past as if you're about to fight them, then drive off with as much RPM as possible so they get "scared"
*When you exit your car, look at the big scratch on the spoiler. You put your amp there when your arms got weak but pretend to forget that for a second, rub the scratch with ur thumb as if it would come off
*When you rest your arm on the door, make sure you push outwards so your muscles look bigger.
*Make sure you have a nice teenage girl in the passenger side who's "like, totally in love with you"
*Never fix your neons, just constantly jiggle the wires until they go on.
*Make sure youur turbo's bearing are shot so badly that u get 3000rpm of lag and need to pump the clutch to get the shick sound
*Make sure you own a nokia, so you're bro's and hoes can call you and say, hey bro, lets go for a cruise in the wexy uLeh!
*Take your ride to "tint professor" so you get to drive the replacement car (excel) and FRASH it to da max
*Never buy optimax because your bro said it's not good for turbos
*Ask a bro for 2 bucks for fuel money coz you used your money up for a new turbo badge for yuour fake turbo
*Moving your lisence plates to the side so you can get that extra 3 square cms air intake..
*When you change the steering wheel moit, make sure you use the good boss kit so your fringes dont get stuck in the column
*Write in ur calender that you'll need a new clutch every two months because you can't drive manual
*Have a folder in your glove box to store all the canaries you cop every saturday night at chapel st coz ur seat is so low
*Ask the copper to stick your canary on an angle in the perfect place on your window so the most people will see it at "chapz"
*Keep a syphon tube in the boot incase you need to make a quick refill.
*Nod your head to other "tilted hat people" as if you know them... they'll nod back if they are sick
*Get your break lights tinted so they are only just visible at night.
*Make sure u are sponsored by a Car Towing company, proving you are a real VL muzza on the burnout run saturday nights
*Dont use brakes.. manual shift the auto like a sick **nt..
*Clean your lowerd seats before leaving Chapel so your ma doesnt find out you ate a kebab after her dinner.
*State you got a permit from the EPA not to run a cat converter.
*Tell everyone at the drags that you're running 32psi, and after the Cortina sucks your headlights out , say " oh my digital boost controller was stuck on 11psi "
*Blu-tac your TURBO badge on to your boot so when you floor it, the badge will fly off and you can say, "Bro! See that my car is so f'n fast the turbo badge fell off"!
*Always wash your car with the hood up on the nature strip
*When out with mates, make sure your fat cousin and her boyfriend sit in the back so your car looks lower.
*When someone overtakes you in ur ricer you have to reovertake them and just as u pass them you have to make sure the blow off valve sounds
*When driving past chicks at o-zone, make sure you change gears at just the right time for the BOV to open up...
*The correct cruising method is: 1 hand out window on the door, 1 hand on top of steering wheel, chin up, hat tickling gods feet, full shick diesel jeans and top
Enjoy the ride.
